How's it going.
I didn't get to draw yesterday...I spent my drawing time watching a pretty bad movie called legion..
and by bad I mean BAD..not baaaaaaaaaaaaddddd...in the slang sense.
It was truly awful..
The visuals were great however, and I got a few ideas from it which I will be working on this coming week.
So, that being said
I have fears.
I think we all do.
My number one fear is something happening to my children.
I love my kids.
I think most people who have kids do.
But I have 'abandonment issues' stemming from my ____________- *everyone say it with me
I let three people drive my kids.
my friend amber.
I am not kidding.
If they go with anyone else I am in the car with them.
Like I am some kind of talisman.
Actually, It's just this...if something is going to happen I want it to happen to me too.
I don't know what that is.
But the idea that one of my kids gets hurt and I am not there..
I couldn't deal with that.
In much the same way that i got one of those beeper things on the back of my van, cause if I ever ran a kid over I would never be right in the head again.
Heck, one time I nearly ran over a Dog in NOrth Carolina..
I was so angry because it had a collar and these people were having a party in the front yard and the dog is off leash and runs out in front of my car.
I nearly hit it.
I got out of my car *I was 8 months pregnant and carried on till they promised they would tie the dog up.
A human being...I hope I get through this whole life never taking the life of someone else.
My youngest has a field trip with her homeschool enrichment class this coming Tuesday.
They are going on school buses nearly 25 miles away.
A school bus driven by a person of unknown character and drug usage habits.
I am going to volunteer to 'help out' and go along, ride with her as it were.
My youngest thinks it's great, she's homeschooled and so doesn't know that she is supposed to be embarrassed of me.
That being said, I did allow my oldest to go to Denver to an opera last year ALONE (she was 15) in a school van driven by one of her teachers.
But not before I gave her 10 dollars and tons of unwanted advice.
See, I can do this.
I am still going on this field trip.
I am also going to lose this weight.
I have stopped weighing for one very good reason.
Every time I weigh I panic.
because I am getting lower.
The fear is nearly oppressive. And much like every other time, the only way to get over it is to get lower, not have anything bad happen...and move past it..but I have to get there first.
I have 'issues stemming from my childhood' (from here on out and in all future posts I will simply refer to similar problems as i.s.f.m.c. , it saves time) regarding feeling vulnerable at a lighter weight.
So, I will just keep eating my correct number of calories and exercising and I will weigh in a month or two.
weighing makes me want to eat.
Not weighing is allowing me to lose.
So, no weigh ins.
I'll get skinny by counting calories...
So, That's all...
I will update the art portion of this blog on Tuesday because I really do have a neat idea for a shadow demon that I got from a combination of a facebook app and that trashtastic movie I watched last night. For now, hows about I share some of the fun? eh
your weight blind blogger,