9.19.2010

moving past fear or learning to live with it.

Hey all,
How's it going.
I didn't get to draw yesterday...I spent my drawing time watching a pretty bad movie called legion..
and by bad I mean BAD..not baaaaaaaaaaaaddddd...in the slang sense.
It was truly awful..
The visuals were great however, and I got a few ideas from it which I will be working on this coming week.
So, that being said
I have fears.
I think we all do.
My number one fear is something happening to my children.
I love my kids.
I think most people who have kids do.
But I have 'abandonment issues' stemming from my ____________- *everyone say it with me
my CHILDHOOD.
LOLOLOL.
Anywhoozle.
I let three people drive my kids.
Me.
my husband
my friend amber.
That's it.
No,
I am not kidding.
If they go with anyone else I am in the car with them.
Like I am some kind of talisman.
Actually, It's just this...if something is going to happen I want it to happen to me too.
I don't know what that is.
But the idea that one of my kids gets hurt and I am not there..
I couldn't deal with that.
In much the same way that i got one of those beeper things on the back of my van, cause if I ever ran a kid over I would never be right in the head again.
Heck, one time I nearly ran over a Dog in NOrth Carolina..
I was so angry because it had a collar and these people were having a party in the front yard and the dog is off leash and runs out in front of my car.
I nearly hit it.
I got out of my car *I was 8 months pregnant and carried on till they promised they would tie the dog up.
A human being...I hope I get through this whole life never taking the life of someone else.
My youngest has a field trip with her homeschool enrichment class this coming Tuesday.
They are going on school buses nearly 25 miles away.
A school bus driven by a person of unknown character and drug usage habits.
..........
hmmmmm.
I am going to volunteer to 'help out' and go along, ride with her as it were.
My youngest thinks it's great, she's homeschooled and so doesn't know that she is supposed to be embarrassed of me.
That being said, I did allow my oldest to go to Denver to an opera last year ALONE (she was 15) in a school van driven by one of her teachers.
But not before I gave her 10 dollars and tons of unwanted advice.
See, I can do this.
lol.

I am still going on this field trip.
I am also going to lose this weight.
I have stopped weighing for one very good reason.
Every time I weigh I panic.
because I am getting lower.
The fear is nearly oppressive. And much like every other time, the only way to get over it is to get lower, not have anything bad happen...and move past it..but I have to get there first.
I have 'issues stemming from my childhood' (from here on out and in all future posts I will simply refer to similar problems as i.s.f.m.c. , it saves time) regarding feeling vulnerable at a lighter weight.
So, I will just keep eating my correct number of calories and exercising and I will weigh in a month or two.
weighing makes me want to eat.
Not weighing is allowing me to lose.
So, no weigh ins.
I'll get skinny by counting calories...
So, That's all...
I will update the art portion of this blog on Tuesday because I really do have a neat idea for a shadow demon that I got from a combination of a facebook app and that trashtastic movie I watched last night. For now, hows about I share some of the fun? eh





Till then,
your weight blind blogger,
Chris
...out.

7 comments:

Robin said...

As I know you know, this whole deal is a head game. Maybe not weighing in will work and maybe it won't. Your body is still going to be losing and you will be noticing because your clothes won't fit. I think that in order for you to be comfortable with this new you maybe you need to change your associations with size. For instance, when you were at 262 lbs, if someone had attacked you, you wouldn't have been able to fend them off. You were barely able to breathe lying down and you couldn't run. I don't see that you had much by way of strength because you weren't working out, so fight or flight were not good options. That meant there were no good options. By losing the weight and working out, you have gotten stronger. Taking the self defense course, you could fight if you were backed into a corner, but your better bet is to get one good jab in and then run. And you can now run. You can run. A year ago that would have surprised the crap out of you. So, lean = strong. It isn't weaker. Some idiot might make the mistake of thinking that, but that is where you have the advantage. A year ago, it would have been no contest. Game over. Bad guy wins. When you start seeing this weight loss as you being less vulnerable instead of more vulnerable, your fear will vanish.

I may be a total moron, but I didn't get your comment on my blog. Why does my blog remind you to be curious?

Deb Willbefree said...

so much of what you say, I could have said...or have said...or have done. Maybe we're related.

I have two sons--I never, I mean NEVER, let them sleep over night at someone's house. NEVER. They did not ride in other's cars until high school. My boys were in chorus and band, respectively, and I eventually got used to them being bused places. It was hard.

And I was not a clingy, pathetic mom. I wasn't. I had a life.

When they left home--much to their surprise--I actually had things to do. (For the Mother's Day before my youngest graduated from high school, he bought me garden tools. He said--lol--they were to give me something to do since him and Billy were both leaving home! I worked a full-time job!!!)

Anyway, moving on.

Thank you for saying that weighing less causes panic. Not many say that. It's good to know that if I'm nuts, well, at least I'm in good company. :)

Onward and forward--and lower and lower til we hit goal. gulp. :)

Deb

logmyloss said...

I know what you mean about your children. I have had nightmares about something happening to my kids. Now that my oldest one is 18, I am having to let go more than I want to. I keep reminding myself that when I turned 18 I was married within 7 days.

M Pax said...

I have never used a scale this go around. My goal was healthy habits no matter what number the scale landed on. When I used a scale before, I found it ruled my mood and behavior. But we all have to do what works for us.

In today's world, I'm not sure your fears are that out of left field honestly.

SeattleRunnerGirl said...

I totally hear you on the weighing less causing panic. I'm not panicking, but I am...I don't know, feeling weird knowing that Onederland is only 11.4 pounds away. How the heck is that possible? Who am I if I'm not a 200+ pound woman? Etc.

So, yeah. I hear that.

Lisa said...

I can understand your nervousness about your kids. I too should stop getting on the scale. Thanks so much for all of your HONEST advice and support. you are sooo right about everything.

Fiona said...

Great idea to take away the power of the scales :)