what is a waste of time?

Hello all,
not sure I want to touch that one with a ten foot pole.
today was not a good day mentally.

When you start thinking in circles it is time to not think.
money, crap, housework..money, crap, housework.
Call my mom...think about how often I see her vs. how often I don't.
Think of my friends and how few I really have (not counting you guys)
I mean, short of hunting friends down....how do you go about finding them..take out an ad in the yellow pages.
Then I f I had more than one or two, what would I do with them...it's not like I have time NOW.
I didn't draw last night because I ended up doing laundry.
I still have to write out my week at homeschool but am on here instead blabbing.
It's like I have too much to do and not enough to do.
too much bs. Not enough crap that means something.

I went to church today and I guess I can just blame this whole mind melt on the preacher.
I want to pull a mother theresa. But I have laundry to do.
He's all..
And what does it profit a man if he gains the WHOLE WORLD and loses his soul.
I feel like most of me wants to live there all the time.
I wish sometimes that I had become a nun.
Don't get me wrong, I love my kids and I love my husband.
It just seems like it would be easier to really understand where God is coming from if all you did was talk to him and wait to hear from him.
I get five minutes in a closet before I hear screaming from the other room.
And don't I know that God is talking to me through my children..I get that.
I am learning about the nature of God all the time through my family...I just feel like I can't ever get caught up with what I am supposed to know because I never have time to sit down and let it SINK IN.
I am missing 'quiet time'.
I am lucky to get exercise time.
Drawing time is limited.
Thinking time?
I think this is the precursor to dumb jock syndrome.
there are so many hours in a day.

Let me just stop and say something right here.
losing weight and Getting to the point where you are no longer ridiculed is awesome.
If you are single, it's great.
Men notice you...they laugh, they flirt etc.
If you are married it is nice at first.
Hey...you know if something were to happen you are still in the game.
But after a while
who cares.
It beats the doors in your face, but I am happily married.
I don't care if fartsy mcfartsalot likes me.
I got a husband.
So It's down to feeling healthy and finding balance.
I don't need or want to put in the kind of time getting jillian micheal's body is going to take.
Which would be two hours a day minimum.
maybe some have that kind of time.
I don't.
One hour six days a week.
That is the time i am willing to put in.
1500 to 1600 a day in calories.
That is what i am willing to eat most days.
On special occasions I will eat more...probably no counting on turkey day and on christmas...on my birthday and a few other special occasions.
But that's it.
learning how to live within those boundaries is where I need to be.
Getting much closer to God...Necessary.
Doing my art...necessary
Just got to find the time.
Have a great night guys.


Jen said...

I fell across your blog last week--can't remember where--but I'm glad I found you. I stay home with my kids too, and right now, we are SO busy==don't quite know why. That's life with three kids. My new idea is to get up earlier in the AM so I can have some quiet time just to myself. It's worth a try. . . Am enjoying your posts.

Mrs. Happy Pants said...

I feel you on the time thing.
I feel like there's so much to do, and yet I am accomplishing zilch.
Maybe I just have PMS. If PMS lasted 3+ weeks. LOL.
I'm enjoying the peeks at your art, by the way. :)

MargieAnne said...

Chris if you haven't already found it, look for a book by Brother Lawrence called something like 'Practicing The Presence Of God' It's a classic and has been re-published a few times.

Mothers, even Stay at home Mums, are busy. Life is full of distractions and time alone is rare. My best period was a stage when our children were young and I had a time with God somewhere between 2 am and 3.30 am depending on when I woke up. It was very precious and I often wish I could do the same now and still function during the day.

I'm all out of kilter spiritually right now and am picking up on my Bible Reading by listening on-line with Gateway Bibles. Maybe something like that with earphones would help you get into your Bible again.

These days I'm not so busy but I'm rarely alone. A retired man doesn't give one much time especially in a small house .... nowhere to sneak away or set up as a prayer room. I'm sorry I lost passion for the bible. It takes discipline to restore.

All the best.

Purple Cow said...

I guess most mothers are where you are - harried. Your message rings a bell.

Sometimes when there is so much to do we lose ourselves...other times exactly because there is so much to do we procrastinate and lose sight of what's important.

Keep drawing, blogging, multi-tasking...

Robin said...

Oh my goodness. This is as close to a Chris meltdown that I have witnessed. I am not sure what to say. I come here for inspiration. I am used to being the one melting down. I will remind you of something you said, but I won't get it exactly right. You are not losing weight for your husband. You are doing it for you. You are doing it because you feel better. Not because men hold open doors for you or smile more at you or any of those things. You feel better. You will feel best at your ideal weight. That is your truth. That is your reason to suck it up and keep going. Once you get there, then it is just maintenance. You aren't dieting. You are creating a lifestyle. And I am glad that you are going to church if that makes you feel better and closer to God, but God doesn't live in church. He lives in your heart. He is everywhere. And if you stopped going and decided to stay home and pray and just have an intimate relationship with God, that would be okay, too. There are no rules about it. Despite what you seem to think, I don't think God talks any more to nuns than He does you or I. He talks to everyone equally. It is up to us to pay attention and listen. That is it. I know that I have gotten messages through things like bumper stickers. The thing about God is this... free will. It's a real kick in the teeth. So, God gives suggestions. We can pay attention or go another way. All of those yuck decisions were me not listening to my gut (I think that is God talking, btw) and I have lived to regret them. The other kicker is that God isn't much of an explainer. Never has been. Not so sure you would like that. Just sayin'.

Lorinda said...

"I think this is the precursor to dumb jock syndrome." Love it!! Hoping you have a better tomorrow. Hugs.

Joy said...

Hey Chris,

What I would not give to be with you in your season of life!! Just enjoy every minute with your kids, before you know it, they will be gone and it will never be the same again!!

I miss mine like crazy. Thinking back I wish I would have relaxed a little bit more with them, played more, read to them more and just enjoyed it more.

Now I'm getting a second chance with the grand babies and I'm not missing a thing!!! Enjoying every second that I get!!

Enjoy where you are. Do what you can. You're time will come!!


Linda Pressman said...

I share your frustration, Chris. Though with me half the problem is, um, me. Today I had some glorious time alone, very unusual for a Sunday. I should have been writing. Instead I did chores, ate (okay, I had to eat), took a shower, organized stuff, and goofed around. Suddenly it was time for my exercise class.

As far as God, sometimes I get the "God thought" in my head that didn't come from me. It's simply too profound or wise of a thought to have come out of my head. This normally happens out of the blue, like at Jazzercise, I think because it's one of the few times I empty my head and just enjoy what I'm doing!

Deb Willbefree said...

:D Chris. :D

You are in such a wonderful place!

Yes, you are.

It doesn't feel like it--it feels overwheming. I know. But, you are in a wonderful place.

As far as God goes (You know, I'd hit that topic first, right?) You are the hungry heart--hungry for Him. He's up for that & will oblige. Gladly, joyfully, fully.

As far as time exercising, calorie intake...

You're finding where your line of dminishing returns happens. When is the cost too high--when do you start giving up your life to pursue something that is not what you need? You're finding that balance.

A wondeful place. Finding what counts in your life and how much life you want to spend on it.

And finding what your life can't do without.

Usually, the way we find those things out is by feeling overwhelmed. That usually comes first. shrug. It gets our attention--and we need to end that misery! We can't go on like that for long--at least, not go on like that and hold onto sanity.

So we examine our days--what we want, need, have. What we're spending our life on. What needs to be modified, dumped, expanded, diminished, added...

As the pieces click in place, it can get a little noisy and chaotic--but the end product is a complete and content life. and a sigh of relief.

:D I feel sympathy for this hard spot--(It IS hard!)--and I'm so happy for those clicking pieces...

Now schedule yourself some time to draw!


Rettakat said...

Well, I definitely don't have any advice! I am trying to find balance myself. That's why I loved Deb's comment and made a copy for myself, LOL!

I just know that Time IS the coin of our life. And I am trying to decide how to spend this precious NON renewable coin called Time... and like you said, what is worth it.

That's definitely a big part of this journey to a healthy life. I know you will work it out, just like you have the rest of the components of your journey.


Tammy said...

I'm sorry you're so incredibly stressed out right now. My suggestion for the quiet time is to hire a babysitter for 3-4 hours....either go out by yourself..a favorite "thinking" spot....or have the sitter take the kids somewhere, and enjoy the peace of your home. It's quite obvious though that you need a break...a well-deserved one. :)

Diana P. said...

Days like this happen....but still it sucks. :( Good for you for letting the steam off and blogging about it!
I sometimes listen to an audio Bible when I'm working out. Doesn't help with the quiet time to think...but at least it's a start!

I know you'll find the balance you're looking for....that's what all this is about, right?

Helen said...

As your life moves on and your kids leave home, your time allotments will ebb and flow. But I totally understand. Because it's just me and my Mr. and sometimes when I see a body I admire I think, "I want that, but I don't want it bad enough to work out 4 hours a day." Realistically I probably could work out at least 2 hours, but I don't want to! I like having time for other things. Hope today is a better day at sorting all that out.

Jane said...

My kids are grown up and I now enjoy grandkids, but I know that the hectic pace can throw me off balance and off my food plan. I just returned from vacation, and I have to work at getting back to my routine and my boundaries. And...because I love your blog, I gave you a blog award. You may have already gotten this one, but wasn't sure.

M Pax said...

Balance is a key to all this. I don't have time to get a Jillian Michaels body either. I do what I can when I can. That I'm at a healthy weight and have maintained it for 2.5+ years without a struggle, I consider a major victory.

I'd rather give some of my workout time to pursuing my dreams. That's what keeps me clicking. What gets me through all the crap.