9.06.2010

Hello comrades...

Sorry, couldn't resist.
I home school and it is a well known fact that I don't take labor day off for home school...because it's a communist holiday.
Which it is.
But more on that later.

First off, Today I got my mojo back.
I woke up this morning and felt like losing the fat like I haven't in quite a while.
I think you have to 'feel fat' again to want to keep dropping weight.
I felt great, I thought "I look good'.
So the itch wasn't there.
But today I woke up and could see the fat.
I am still 'overweight'.
So that's no surprise.
But when you go from being morbidly obese to only 9 lbs overweight..
Well, you feel skinny.
lol.
So, I worked out and burned 800 calories and I ate 1560 calories.
String a couple more days like this together and I will be normal in no time.
Well, 'normal' in the weight sense.

But back to the communist holiday.
I decided to take today off.
I took it off because it was a chance to spend time with my kids.
I took my oldest to get a wig cap for the upcoming anime convention.
My youngest got some cat ears for her character...
and we hung out and then went and got some new shoes for my little one for her home school enrichment course tomorrow.
Part of the reason I like this is because it gives her a taste of public school without the rancid aftertaste.
It's one day a week.
It is all home school kids...
It has art and science (things that are difficult to duplicate at home)
and it gives her a chance to make friends.

I have spent the last 16 years giving my kids what I hope they understand to be
unconditional love.
I got love from my mom...
I didn't realize it was unconditional until I was older.
I got abuse from my 'father'.
He wasn't my biological father.

I have been thinking about that.
He was abused by his father.
Badly.
I was saved by the knowledge that God is my true heavenly father.
That he does love me unconditionally.
And God gave me a whole handbook on how to live.

My earthly abusive father never knew God.
He never knew unconditional love from anyone.
Not his mother or his brothers and sisters.
He got married and emotionally had nothing to give.
How can you pour out love if you have never been filled up?
Every part of his life, love has had to be earned and he didn't know how.
Or even if he 'earned' it, he learned that love can be withheld.
I forgave him a few years ago and left it there.
I called and forgave him.
He didn't accept that he was abusive.
He stated that my mom 'gave as good as she got'.
(which secretly made me happy to hear)
So I said
That's like saying the victim of a mugging wasn't the victim of a mugging because they fought back.
he didn't say anything.

Now before I sent the first angry letter.
Before I ever thought of forgiving him.
He had apologized to both me and my little brother.
He said He knew what he had done to all of us was wrong.
He cried.
It was after my brother and I had bought him a birthday cake.
( I actually didnt care, I did that for my little brother)
That he was able to say what he had done then, when we gave him a cake .
But the fact that his heart had hardened after I sent a bitter letter, that after I had written out my anger, he couldn't admit wrong doing.
I find it interesting that the asking for forgiveness moved my emotions enough to expose them to show me the root of my bitterness which prompted the angry letter.
(which quite frankly started the healing...so the act of love was the start of the healing, not the angry letter...hey robin...do you see why I read your blog? we think the same way.)

I thought
An act of love prompted the remorse.
An act of bitterness caused him to cover up.

So,
Since I forgave him, and worked through all those feelings I had about my childhood...and then went home and solidified the fact that I have healed.
I have been thinking about him.

I knew at the time that forgiveness was the right thing.
But a flash of thought came to my mind.
"What if you could love him unconditionally?"

I dismissed it because I really wanted to protect myself.
I think now that was the right decision.
I hadn't really worked through my life.
I hadn't started losing weight or anything else.
So I was right to let it go.

But I realized the other day how solid I feel.
I have no hate...and no love for him.
Just empathy.
I know how he was raised and how he felt..
Because I was raised the same way.
It doesn't matter who did the raising.
He doesn't batter people anymore.
He has gotten better that way.
But he is not healed, because I confronted him about his own childhood and he just kept saying "That has nothing to do with it."
But it has everything to do with it.
So, the thought is this.
I don't need him to be a father, he wasn't my biological father anyways.
I have my stepfather.
I don't need him to be a friend, or anything to me.
I have friends.
I don't need anything from him.
But I have something I can give him.
I can give him love and encouragement that is unconditional.
I can send him the birthday cards he was never sent.
I can write to him about his good points.
Because he does have them.
I can give him what he should have had from his parents.
It doesn't matter how old he is.
Inside he is still broken.
Does that mean I include my children?
No.
I live 1500 miles away.
I don't need him to send me cards.
Or give me encouragement.
I don't need anything from him.
I am the perfect person to do this.
This may sound crazy..
But as I was contemplating it...
I was listening on the radio and the lady said
"Is there someone out there that God is wanting you to reach out to and you are dragging your feet?"
That was pretty clear.
This thought has been hanging round for a while.
Its part of what I am supposed to do.
Well,
I hope you guys have a great night.
Hope all is well with you.
hugs,
Chris

11 comments:

Rettakat said...

You'll like this one Chris, from Proverbs 10:12

"Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs."

Loretta
=^..^=

Deb Willbefree said...

When you asked me to write questions I would ask God, one was to ask Him to show me Him. I would ask what He likes, what makes Him angry, what touches His heart--you know--I'd ask to know Him.

I, of course, didn't really get that face-to-face answer. :) But here's what I know already--I know that your thoughts expressed in this post--that touched God's heart. You have blessed the Father.

Like I said before, Chris, I'm proud to know ye.

Deb

Annalisa201 said...

You're my new favourite blogger (don't tell the others!) I love reading your stuff!!! Thank you much for sharing. And for the comments. And hey - CHEERS to losing those last stubborn lbs ;)

Paula Rodriguez said...

Forgiveness. The "foregiver" so benefits without even realzing it.

My ex-husband is 3 years clean. Is going through the 12 steps and asked me to forgive him. I interrupted him and said "Danny, I did that years ago." I didn't realize it until I sait it. If I hadn't forgiven him then I would have passed that "anger" "resentment" and "ugliness" onto my children who are an extension of him.

Nah, my soul and that of my children was worth so much more.

Proud of you Chris!

Linda Pressman said...

I love this, Chris. How phenomenal that you've reached this point in your own growth that you can see that God needs you to do his work on earth for this man. And I love that the radio show just reaffirmed the message for you right then. In program parlance that's referred to "Is it odd or is it God?" Funny.

Fiona said...

Lots of food for thought!

Helen said...

Forgiveness is ALWAYS for the forgiver. Always.

Robin said...

First, you did it again. You went and shouted out my name in a blog and it totally took me by surprise. I had to go back and reread what I was reading because my mind blanked out!!! Second, I read your blog for exactly the same reason. I have never been on this weightloss journey, but I think we are all on a journey to be better people. A lot of your weight loss journey has been about that and I DEFINITELY can relate to that. Third, forgiveness. Man, that is THE "f" word. The BIG one. One of the hardest things to do, but it will change your life for the better. Since you have already come so far in this forgivness journey with your stepfather, now you are at a place where you can see the big picture. And, as you said, you do have a choice. You could let it go and do nothing. However, you are feeling compelled to show him love in the face of what he did. And, maybe, just maybe that will change his life. In feeling that love he will see what goodness looks like. Once that happens, well... anything is possible.

The New Christine said...

Beautiful and healing post. :D

Forgiving others releases us. But continuing to love them, that is true courage. Very healing post. Something I have been dealing with in different relationships all my life. What has been a struggle for me most recently is that I can't have my m-i-l near my children, it's too big a risk to trust that she has changed. But it hurts worse not to love her despite everything she does in her blind suffering. ♥

Lori Ann said...

I always look forward to your posts. This one is especially meaningful to me. My father was not abusive in any way, just emotionally unavailable. I have spent my life trying to achieve things because I will never 'look' like the person he would want me to be.

I think if I could get past this, I could make some progress.

Maybe it starts with forgiveness.

Thanks again for the thoughts.

Bowmanh23 said...

What a great post. Thank you for being so open. I experienced something similar with my dad. He was a stressed out alcoholic. For years I had so much anger. Now I feel empathy for him. He didn't build that relationship with us when we were little and now we are off building our own lives with our own families. We don't have the time or ability to go back. I think God allows us to experience things so that we can use them to help others and for His glory. You have touched so many by your story. Thanks.