9.09.2010

curing self hate....and food addiction...

can't do it all in one night...lolol.
But i have come a long way towards curing my self hate,
and my food addiction...
There was once a time in my life when I couldn't set food down till it was gone.
Now I can eat part of my plate and leave the rest.
Is it the food that changed or is it me.
I think.
Me.

I am not sure food was the issue.
Just like fat was a symptom,
food was a tool.
It was the way I handled my issues that was the issue.

I handled everything with food.
sad...
I ate
happy
I ate
upset
I ate.

I realized today that I wasn't necessarily a food addict for all those years.
I was afraid.
or
more to point
I was a coward.
I didn't want to face the things I was afraid of, so I ate them instead.
The biggest fear.
That I was unlovable.

My mind was always full of what if's.
What if he doesn't love me.
What if I fail.
What if I am worthless.
A fat slob.

What if I truly am a failure, and if I try to lose the weight and fail....everything I think and believe about myself will be confirmed in the failure.

It paralyzed me.
I couldn't even start correctly.
Most of my diets weren't diets.
They were punishments for being fat.
No fruit for you fatty, you have had too many sweet things.
Starve fatty...you have eaten too much for years.
Now it's time to pay the piper.

I would feel vindicated in the process.
I felt like I deserved to suffer for being such a fat pig, such a failure, such an idiot.

The idea that there was a sane way to be.
A sane way to exist...
It wouldn't have worked for me back then.
Because I had too much self hate.
Eat less, but not starve....
eat healthy and exercise, because I deserved to treat myself well.
That argument would not have flown even five years ago.

Put me and my exercise first...
Who did I think I was.
I made choices you know.
Choices to be a mother and a wife.
That means I come last.
I made choices you know.
Choices to eat unwisely...why should my kids suffer because I chose to be fat.

That was the old voice.
The voice telling me that I WASN'T WORTH THE TIME OR EFFORT.

I heard a saying once.
I did then what I knew how to do, when I knew better I did better. (Maya Angelou)
Stop punishing yourself over past mistakes.
Yesterday is gone.
Tomorrow is not promised.
All you have is TODAY.
Each day you create yourself anew with your intentions.
Now that you know better, you can do better.
There is no need for punishment.
Just action.
Treat yourself the way you would treat a loved one.
exercise, eat right and

Live Deliberately...
Hugs,
Chris

11 comments:

midlife_swimmer said...

amen!

I have learned to take responsibility without going on to blame myself or waste time and energy on guilt. HUGE step away from the negative self talk that runs in my internal dialog from time to time.

Rettakat said...

I agree with what Stacia said... it's about accepting responsibility, and then taking action to make changes. Not beating oneself up... I did that for sooo long.

Forgiving myself was a biggee. I still have guilt and/or regret pop up now and again, and have to go back to the basics of letting the past go and getting on with life now. It's such a process!

Wonderful, deep, honest and heartfelt post.
Loretta
=^..^=

Roxie said...

Again with the great post! Food was, as you say, just a tool that I used for EVERYTHING. When I became better and dealing with my life in a healthier way, I became healthier, both in mind and in body. It's still an ongoing process.

It is my sincere hope that I've broken the negative self-talk habit.

Fiona said...

I call it 'eating my emotions' and it took a while to realise 'feeling my emotions' was not actually that bad!

Tammy said...

I'm still working on that self-hate thing...but I'm getting better. I'm thankful for your blog Chris....I appreciate that you care enough about the rest of us to put this stuff out there...it's like a guiding light when you're trying to find your way out of the darkness of obesity. Thank you.

Jae said...

Just found your blog. Good stuff here. The journey to self love can be very painful but so rewarding. Glad to be on the journey with you!

Robin said...

When we treat ourselves by way of punishment we never really go anywhere. I am beginning to see that in my own "therapy journey." Even when I stumble across things that were my bad choices, if all I do is wear a hair shirt than that tells me nothing. I don't learn anything from all that guilt. All I can do is figure out why I did it, apologize if I hurt someone other than me, and make the decision today to not do it again. And forgive myself. As human beings we are flawed and we make mistakes. I am starting to feel freer. Who knew that I could be my own therapist? Well, I suppose I am getting SOME help from my commenters....

cmoursler said...

@ Robin.
I am totally or have been totally my own therapists.
If you are willing to ask yourself honest questions and get honest answers...you can be.

M Pax said...

I became my own therapist, too. Who could unchain me from misery, but me? All those years I spent waiting for rescue and the white knight was / is me. What an empowering moment when we realize that.

The day I quit hating myself, I began to find peace and sanity. I would never trade it for anything. Not even Ben & Jerry's. Nor licorice.

Michele said...

Excellent and revealing post. I know for me that a huge part of this journey is learning to be kind to myself and to love myself as the wonderful person I am. Next was and still is facing my fears and dealing with whatever I need to. Many of us have been down that same road as you, it is refreshing when we realize that we are at the END of the road. Michele

99ToGo said...

I'm doing a better job of treating myself as I would a loved one. But I still have plenty of growing to do before I talk to myself as I would a loved one. My self-talk stinks...so I've much work to do.