Night and Day

Back to church today...
A different one of course.
I made the 30 minute trip to vista grande baptist.
It was worth it.
Night and Day difference.
Last week it was all buddy Jesus and what can the church do for you, and how can we not offend you by saying the word Christian.

This week:
No joke.
The whole sermon was preached on crucifying your ego and your will and following Christ.
It couldn't have been more perfect or more of a confirmation that I had landed in the correct pew.
I picked my daughter up from Sunday school where no one had threatened to 'pummel her head in'...
like last week.
And asked her what she learned...
She learned about moses and the difference between the old and new testament...and they read the bible.
I didn't see one cookie, or anything.
The only thing I was invited to do was come to the alter and repent or ask for prayer.
Or, as the sermon said, to serve God with my whole heart and to count the cost of following him.
I left there a happy camper.
I have found my church home.
These days it is starting to sound like the little pieces of my life are clicking into place...
snick, snick, snick.'
I have lost over 100 lbs.
I have friends, my art, a church home.
I am involved and happy.
It is all starting to come together.
I think I will look back and see what I was doing one year ago....

wow, this was the point last year that I hit rock bottom with myself...I nearly ended the whole thing the first week of september....this is me climbing out of my hole....
9-04-2009
I don't know how many of you have ever cleaned out a chicken coup. A really bad one that has built up a while and has a nice hard crust on it. It doesn't stink too bad until you chip beneath the surface. Boy howdy, then it stinks....and it doesn't stop stinking till you clean it all up and hit dirt. Well, When I stopped using food and had to start dealing with my feelings, things started to stink. Where I am right now is where I used to quit. Too much, Too hard, Too painful. Cover it back up and let it harden back down. Add a few more layers (pounds). It makes it that much harder to hit paydirt. It was alot easier saying that about my mom to people I don't have to look in the eye, than it would have been to people I know and love. It would have been too much. I don't want to see pity or something. Saying it is like lancing a boil. It lets the poison of silence out. I am tired of letting things eat me from the inside out. Those weren't my actions, they weren't my choices. The only thing I really have is now, my husband and my kids and what I make of the rest of my life. I can't undo anything, I am who I am. I can learn from other's mistakes, I can choose to forgive, I can choose to do the things that scare me. It really all ends up at paydirt. Goal weight. That is when I will have cleaned most of the crap out. Then it's all maintenance, keeping the crap off. Making choices about who and what I want in my life, who I really am and how I want to live. For those of us that have been stuck in a mental and physical rut that we not only carved,but had carved for us...the idea of creating something out of whole cloth seems daunting. It feels like a mountain sometimes ( or a crap packed chicken coop) . One step, one reach, one truth, one layer, one pound at a time

I think I am going to cry.

That is crazy.
one year later.
talk about night and day...
Guys, if you know or understand nothing else from this...know that I have been where you are.
I have been fat, and hopeless and messed up and not knowing who I am or what I am doing..or even what I want.
It took a lot of hard work to get where I am at now.
A lot of mental work.
But I am here.
Because I didn't quit.
The only thing standing between you and victory is you.

hang in there,
Chris