This last month has been crappy with a capital C...not in the moving forward department, which has been great. In the mental department.
This happened last september as well. And probably the september before that, but I was too busy stuffing my face to notice then.
So, I looked back a year. I put my scale away last september as well..
I struggled last september as well.
I felt discombobulated last september.
I miscarried in 2005 at the end of august into september.
It took two weeks.
I remember when I miscarried because it was during the same time frame as hurricane katrina.
I remember laying on the couch with my feet up watching people on their roofs.
How am I connecting this?
well, today was a sure clue.
I had little triggers all day.
Today I talked with an old old friend.
We talked about how old my children are and how she helped me through my first year as a mother.
I went with my husband to a store..while we were standing there a little girl goes by...she was so cute...her mom saying 'hurry up' and she saying "I hurry mama.."
Then we went and picked our oldest up from high school and her science teacher was standing by the road, pregnant.
Now up to this point I was noticing these things but not connecting anything, not really feeling anything except that my kids are getting older and how nice it must be to have a small child.
I go to the gym.
The last place in the world there should be an issue with this.
I go in and do my workout.
I do 45 minutes on the elliptical and then I do my weight lifting...and decide to go outside to walk for a half a mile because I feel tense for no good reason.
I mean my shoulders are really, really tight.
So I walk a half mile. I sit down on a bench beside the track and watch some guys playing flag football.
It felt so good to sit and not think..that I contemplated staying there till my husband got worried and came to find me.
Then I hear a little boy laughing.
I look to my left.
I see a little boy, maybe two, laughing and running in circles.
I will never have another child.
And I start crying.
And I couldn't stop.
I had to go shopping for food after the gym.
I will be honest and say that I wanted to buy every piece of crap food I came across and actually resorted to saying out loud...'food will not cure this'.
I had people looking at me funny...but I didn't care.
I round the corner and whap.
There is a guy with a bible...no, I am not kidding, right in the middle of the commissary.
I walk right up to him and say
"what are you reading?"
he says "the psalms'
"which one..read it to me."
He looks at me like he is a wee bit concerned..
He says "It's psalm 91."
1 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. [a]
2 I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust."
3 Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare
and from the deadly pestilence.
4 He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
5 You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,
6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.
7 A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.
8 You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.
9 If you make the Most High your dwelling—
even the LORD, who is my refuge-
10 then no harm will befall you,
no disaster will come near your tent.
11 For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;
12 they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
13 You will tread upon the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.
14 "Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
15 He will call upon me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.
16 With long life will I satisfy him
and show him my salvation."
He read it to me.
Then asked me what was wrong and i told him that I had spent years in the sin of gluttony...and now I had reached a point in life where another child was not really probable.
He told me he would pray for me.
This young man couldn't have been more than 18 or 19.
I do believe in God. A personal one.
I fought my way through that with God's help.
sometimes you have a trigger that you are too close to see.
Not all my triggers are from my childhood.
If you are antsy and edgy....you may want to look for patterns.
My blog is invaluable that way.
Have a great night guys.