The evolution of a choice- day 492 and my tattoo...finally.

Click to enlarge.
I chose to have this tattooed on my hide for one reason.
That I would never forget.
and I never will.

I decided 492 days ago to change my life for good.

May 4th, 2009 I was standing in build a bear and saw myself for the first time as I really was...you know, I think that's the case...I never really SAW myself before.
There are many reasons for that..primarily being that I was so burdened and propelled by the way others saw me, that I never stopped to see how I viewed myself..
Moving along.
I was ashamed.
My shame and my anger drove me the first few months of my journey.
That evolved....
When you begin to do things that are right. That are good...
The shame can't hang around...or it shouldn't.
You begin to see yourself as capable.

All the while you are battling the things that helped you get to your weight to begin with.
It's not a one front war...this weight loss...
It's a land war in Asia and a naval battle in the pacific at the same time.
It's like herding cats.

You will have to finally deal with any issues you haven't dealt with.
You are going to have to find new ways to deal with your emotions..
and
You are still losing weight and so relationships are changing.
Some friends are on your side.
Some friends are not.
YOU are changing.
How you approach things changes.
Your sense of self and what you deserve...it changes.
Marriages that seemed steady may start to crumble.
Marriages that were crumbling firm up.
It's like doing the hoola hoop on the deck of a ship in the middle of a storm.
New feelings, and new emotions to come along with all the old feelings and old emotions.
You will hit a wall.

You will.

Hit

A

Wall.

What you do when you hit it will determine your success or failure.
You will feel tired.
You will question your decisions.
Why am I bothering...it's just making things harder.
Why can't I eat like everyone else....what's the point.
I have just upset everyone and everything...I am spending all my time at the gym...I never see the kids anymore...
etc.
This is when the REASON YOU ARE LOSING WEIGHT WILL BE ALL IMPORTANT.
If you are losing weight for any reason other than you know you need to for you...
That you want it bad enough to let go of your old life and grab on to a new one...
you will revert.

You are going to have to climb over the wall.
I did that last September.
And the view on the other side is something else.
It will be like the last of your chains has fallen free.
Climbing over that last wall is the big test.
There will be further testing...
but if you can get over the big one.
The big why.
Well...you will know deep inside that you can make it.
Then your view of the whole process changes.
You realize you aren't just losing weight.
You are changing your whole life.
You will realize that contrary to your prior opinion...your fat was the symptom...not the problem.
You will get to a point where you feel incredibly healthy and the impetus to keep pounding an hour to an hour and a half of exercise six days a week while rotating 5 meals that seem endless, while it may have helped you when you didn't know what else to do....won't work in the long run.
You know you need to start living like you will want to live the rest of your life.
You know your current state isn't 'it'.
So you will begin to try new things.
New foods that are healthy.
You will have days when you will consume a piece of cake..
Just like 'normal' thin people do.
You will go out to dinner and eat more....
Then just like the normal thin people do...you go to the gym and work it off.
You watch your calories before and after....
You will realize that your calorie budget is just like your money budget.
It has to come from somewhere.
it's all in keeping tabs on your daily caloric intake and paying for what you consume.
Because that is what normal people do...
At the end of this whole thing is a term we former fatties like to call maintenance.
But what your average thin person calls life.
You find your calorie range.
You find your acceptable level of exertion, (the exercise you are willing to put in to pay the piper). ..you find the weight that you are healthy at and feel comfortable maintaining...and you live.
I have 17 lbs to go before I hit my initial goal weight.
But I am already living as if I were 132 lbs.
I eat maintenance for 132 lbs.
I will lose on average 1/2 lb a week from here till the inevitable conclusion, in the meantime I am finding balance, I am finding joy and I am living.
Have a great night guys,
Hugs,
Chris