The evolution of a choice- day 492 and my tattoo...finally.

Click to enlarge.
I chose to have this tattooed on my hide for one reason.
That I would never forget.
and I never will.

I decided 492 days ago to change my life for good.

May 4th, 2009 I was standing in build a bear and saw myself for the first time as I really was...you know, I think that's the case...I never really SAW myself before.
There are many reasons for that..primarily being that I was so burdened and propelled by the way others saw me, that I never stopped to see how I viewed myself..
Moving along.
I was ashamed.
My shame and my anger drove me the first few months of my journey.
That evolved....
When you begin to do things that are right. That are good...
The shame can't hang around...or it shouldn't.
You begin to see yourself as capable.

All the while you are battling the things that helped you get to your weight to begin with.
It's not a one front war...this weight loss...
It's a land war in Asia and a naval battle in the pacific at the same time.
It's like herding cats.

You will have to finally deal with any issues you haven't dealt with.
You are going to have to find new ways to deal with your emotions..
You are still losing weight and so relationships are changing.
Some friends are on your side.
Some friends are not.
YOU are changing.
How you approach things changes.
Your sense of self and what you deserve...it changes.
Marriages that seemed steady may start to crumble.
Marriages that were crumbling firm up.
It's like doing the hoola hoop on the deck of a ship in the middle of a storm.
New feelings, and new emotions to come along with all the old feelings and old emotions.
You will hit a wall.

You will.




What you do when you hit it will determine your success or failure.
You will feel tired.
You will question your decisions.
Why am I bothering...it's just making things harder.
Why can't I eat like everyone else....what's the point.
I have just upset everyone and everything...I am spending all my time at the gym...I never see the kids anymore...
If you are losing weight for any reason other than you know you need to for you...
That you want it bad enough to let go of your old life and grab on to a new one...
you will revert.

You are going to have to climb over the wall.
I did that last September.
And the view on the other side is something else.
It will be like the last of your chains has fallen free.
Climbing over that last wall is the big test.
There will be further testing...
but if you can get over the big one.
The big why.
Well...you will know deep inside that you can make it.
Then your view of the whole process changes.
You realize you aren't just losing weight.
You are changing your whole life.
You will realize that contrary to your prior opinion...your fat was the symptom...not the problem.
You will get to a point where you feel incredibly healthy and the impetus to keep pounding an hour to an hour and a half of exercise six days a week while rotating 5 meals that seem endless, while it may have helped you when you didn't know what else to do....won't work in the long run.
You know you need to start living like you will want to live the rest of your life.
You know your current state isn't 'it'.
So you will begin to try new things.
New foods that are healthy.
You will have days when you will consume a piece of cake..
Just like 'normal' thin people do.
You will go out to dinner and eat more....
Then just like the normal thin people do...you go to the gym and work it off.
You watch your calories before and after....
You will realize that your calorie budget is just like your money budget.
It has to come from somewhere.
it's all in keeping tabs on your daily caloric intake and paying for what you consume.
Because that is what normal people do...
At the end of this whole thing is a term we former fatties like to call maintenance.
But what your average thin person calls life.
You find your calorie range.
You find your acceptable level of exertion, (the exercise you are willing to put in to pay the piper). ..you find the weight that you are healthy at and feel comfortable maintaining...and you live.
I have 17 lbs to go before I hit my initial goal weight.
But I am already living as if I were 132 lbs.
I eat maintenance for 132 lbs.
I will lose on average 1/2 lb a week from here till the inevitable conclusion, in the meantime I am finding balance, I am finding joy and I am living.
Have a great night guys,


Deb Willbefree said...

Interesting that you should mention shame. I have a post writing itself in my head about shame right now. Haven't had time to pound it out on the keyboard--but I will.

I like the "living like I'm 132 now" part. Like that a lot.


Fiona said...

Great post :)

MrsFatass said...

Hey Chris. I haven't been around much to comment the last few posts. It's been crazy. I have a family member who's been sick (I'm not writing about it except for here). So, I'm feeling all sorry for myself and low, and I know this might sound creepy, but this morning you were in my head. "What are you going to do, Sue? Keep hiding behing humor and daily circumstances?" Stuff like that. Badgering. Lol.

Just wanted you to know that.

I love the tattoo. And I love that your fingernails are painted.

Good for you, Chris.

Rettakat said...

Just yesterday I was wondering if you felt comfortable showing your tat... loved seeing it!

Herding cats... man oh man, there are MANY days like that!

Interesting take on maintenance... that normal thin people just call it life! Huh... hadn't even thought of it that way. I like that... it's just Life.


bbubblyb said...

Great post Chris! You said just how I feel now. It is about no more shame and living life as balanced as we can. Loved seeing the tattoo too. I'm always so impressed with how together and smart you are.

Ann-Marie said...

I believe that says live deliberately? It's beautiful.

I'll be getting one very soon myself. Went out to do it the other day the then decided to do to on a day that I was in better spirits. I didn't want to associate it with a painful memory but rather a new beginning.

Helen said...

Completely in love with the idea of living like you're already at your goal weight. Just love it.

bj2009 said...

I'm a new reader to your blog, and this was wonderful. I actually printed it out and I'm hanging it on my calendar where I track my weight. You are an inspiration, and your words are so meaningful.
I love where you say "You will hit a wall", that has happened so many times I have just given up.

Thank you for being an inspiration.

Robin said...

First, I haven't heard Shenandoah in forever and that was a real treat. Second, I have no words of wisdom on this one. I admire that you have it so together. I will say that you are going to appreciate your vid today at least 2x over, maybe 3. Have an awesome day.

TJ said...

"I am finding balance, I am finding joy and I am living."

me too my friend, me too. :)

Carlos said...

hot tattoo

cmoursler said...

@ carlos squeeeeeee
Good to see you.

M Pax said...

Like herding cats. It is. You're right. So much goes into it and you have to want it that badly to keep after it and fight all the battles which allow you to keep on. Not easy, but it can be done. Nice to see someone else who made it to the other side. I'm thrilled to read of your new life.

People sure do freak out when we change our lives. I decided that is about them and their issues and not me. Maybe it was easier because we moved at the same time, so I was forced to find new people in my life.

Isn't it beautiful to be happy, passionate and lit up? It was worth every battle and all the hard work.

Annalisa201 said...

Beautiful. The tattoo, and the post. SO jealous! I've been planning my tattoo for years, finally found the design 6 months ago, still have to find an artist and the $$$... Can't wait!


Katie J said...

You have written what I think we all have felt or are feeling. Thanks for letting us know we are not alone and the fight is worth fighting and that we CAN do this!

Paula Rodriguez said...

Congrats on the tattoo. I'm so proud of all your hard work and you are in my head as well especially when I want that second serving. I needed to hear this today of all days.

I don't think I've cleaned my chicken coup just yet. Maybe when I do it will be my turning point. Until then, I'll.just.keep.jugging.along.


Rusti said...

I just read you're Where I began post. I love that you are so honest about how hard it is and how it takes a momentous step to change your life. I am just beginning this journey and very excited to see results!!!
Thank you for your inspiration.

Joy said...

Hi Chris,

Once again...Great post!!!!! You are so inspirational!!!

Ouch on the tattoo. Just don't think I could do that!!! Glad you got it done!!! Looks great!!!


The New Christine said...

WOOOOOOT! You finally got it! I love it!! Congrats on living deliberately. :D

SeattleRunnerGirl said...

Late to the party. But SO TRUE that when you hit the wall, if you're not losing for the right reasons and for YOU, then you'll struggle struggle struggle forever.

Great tatt!