5.19.2010

Acceptance that kills.

(Hey all..Just wanted to put up here that I welcome comments that DISAGREE as well...I am interested in all opinions and in opening a dialogue....everyone had the right to express what and why they think it...I love open discussion. Fire away)

Hello all,
I got a law in today. 5.6 miles...it was great.
I have to dye my roots shortly...I keep forgetting because I go to the gym daily and shower daily.
So I have to dye my hair at night to really let the color set, because I will be going to the gym and will sweat. And I DO NOT sleep in sweaty hair.
Just sayin'.

Anywhoozle...
I have decided to a talk about something that I have seen around.
Acceptance...
Fat acceptance.
I like the IDEA of loving yourself for who you are.
I think that's a great idea.
But not when it's a copout.
Let's get the caveats out of the way right now.
Some people have serious thyroid issues.
Some people are paralyzed.
Some people have terminal illnesses.
Some people are just holding an extra 10 pounds.
Some people just  have cellulite.
I am not talking about these people.
I am talking about people who can lose weight.
Have no physical impediment...(besides their increasing weight and the decreasing physical ability)
to losing weight..
People who are morbidly obese or just obese...
There are people out there who say;" I love myself the way I am.'
Now, if they were talking about their nose...or their teeth..or their hair color..
Things that won't harm them, I would say YEAH!

Good on you sister (or brother)...love yourself.
But when something is damaging or harmful....when it is something within your control to change.
 Accepting it is a cop out..
It's like accepting that someone is just a drunk...or a drug addict, and that it is beyond their ability to change it.
It isn't.
They just don't want to put the work in to change it because they don't want to give up the food...or the drug, or the drink.
It is no better than being a drunk in the effect it has on your family.
I should know...My husband was an alcoholic and I was a food addict.
He spent money on beer.
I spent money on Drive thru.
He would take naps in the afternoon.
I would take naps in the afternoon.
It was damaging his health.
It was damaging my health.
I made promises to change.
He made promises to change.
Jack wrote about the five stages of dieting...
The last stage he wrote about was acceptance.
Accepting that you have to watch what you eat and lose the weight.
But, there is a flip side to acceptance.
I had found it...before my flip switched.
that flip side said this:
I had accepted quite a few erroneous ideas.
Ideas such as:
"I will always be fat.  IT's the way I was made.  I can't give up food.
I don't like exercise.  It isn't harming anybody but me."

It was all a lie.
I didn't have to be fat.
It wasn't the way I was made.
I could give up food...I DIDN'T WANT TO.
I wouldn't know if I liked exercise or not, I never tried any....and if I did, of course it wasn't very enjoyable at first...I was a HUNDRED POUNDS OVERWEIGHT.
That is painful.
And the worst lie...
"It's only harming me."

It wasn't just harming me..
It was harming my kids.
It was harming my relationship with my husband.
It was causing me to live HALF A LIFE.
To think.
For a period of two or three years I simple accepted that I was meant to be fat.
If I had gone on believing that, I don't know where I would be now.
Fatter...
Maybe three hundred pounds.
Who knows.
I am glad I didn't accept that.
I am glad something went off in my wee little brain that said...
'H*ll no, I deserve better than this!"
You have to accept THAT.
That you don't deserve to feel ashamed, tired, half dead...that you deserve better.
Accept your exceptionalism.
Accept your label as a winner.
Accept that you can do this.  That you will.
It's all in the mind.
Well. Have a great day all,
Hugs,
Chris

21 comments:

Deb Willbefree said...

Amen, sister!

I sometimes get so tired of being told that I'm judgmental, that Ijust let it go... This whole positive self-talk lie. it is a lie when it's helping you stay in a place that is crippling you.

Real "positive self-talk" is what you listed. It is the truth that says you can do what it takes to make your life better; you are worth the effort.

Uh-hmm. Sorry. Getting off of soap box now... :D Great post!

Deb

A former member of the Morbidly Obese Club

Linda Pressman said...

You're so cool, Chris! And totally right - being a food addict has a lot in common with Alcoholism.

Leslie said...

Yep. And for me no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't accept myself fat. Different from loving myself just where I find myself, but using my genuine self love and regard to want better for myself. That's what you're talking about.

There are things over which I'm powerless, but what goes into my mouth isn't one of them. That includes food and booze! Thanks for your relentless good sense.

MrsFatass said...

My comment on Jack's post was similar to something you just said - for so long I "accepted that I was supposed to be fat."

I know. NOW I read that and say WHATTT? But I did. I have 2 close girlfriends who say that to themselves, and my work on my body AND my blog are real sore spots in our relationship.

Anyway. As usual, great post.

Alexia said...

Fat Acceptance is a terrible idea. Period. I am shocked whenever I hear intelligent people talk that foolishness. It seems to me that accepting their fat might what they've realized to the easier way. Sad.

Fab Kate said...

amen.

Robin said...

It's dangerous to simply accept something that is giving you a half a life. It is why I kept changing doctors when my migraines were so bad and they just kept prescribing medicine that didn't work. I wanted a dr who was willing to get in the trenches with me and get to the root of the problem. Just accepting migraines as something was going to take over my life was UNACCEPTABLE.

Hallie said...

I love and believe in Fat Acceptance. It's not about cop out. It's about being happy and doing what you want to in life without feeling like you have to be thinner because other people want you to. Sure maybe you CAN lose weight - but you don't have to. That's the long and short of it. You weren't happy with it, so you changed it. Fat acceptance, in my view, isn't really against that. But there's more to life, other things to life, than living longer, thinner, sexier, or healthier. And even if it is a cop out, it doesn't even matter. It's okay to live your life morbidly obese. That's the point.

singingforasmallerme said...

Sadly, the fat acceptance movement has been championed by people who use it as an excuse to continue gorging themselves on artery clogging, trans fat loaded garbage.

50 lbs back I pretended I was happy with my body and my terrible health, but wasn't. Huffing and puffing up one flight of stairs, asking for the chair without arms, always buying new, bigger clothing constantly wore on my psyche. But fat acceptance was an excuse to continue on and pretend nothing was wrong.

Guess since I've turned the corner I have a hard time imagining how anyone can accept not living their lives to the fullest.

Putz said...

i did not DID NOT like this post>>>.i am me and most of the time 99% i am only hurting me>>>my wife has a life of her own with her kids, and the kids have a life of there own with their mom, and what i do with myself, is between me and what happens in vegas stays in vegas>>.so there

bbubblyb said...

Great post Chris!!! Sad truth a LOT of people are in denial.

Katie J said...

GREAT post Chris! I wouldn't have thought it would be a controversal one ;-D

There is a blog that I have read on a number of occasions and the gal is over 300 lbs. and her blog is ALL about Fat Acceptance.

Having basically been in her shoes I am just horrified that she wants to remain at that weight. There comes a point where you have to know that you are affecting your health and your relationships with friends and family in the long run. JMHO. Glad I didn't settle!

M Pax said...

When I was gaining, I hated myself. I hated my life.

I lost it. Not perfect, but I'm healthy. I love life. I love my life. I love myself.

That keeps me at the exercise. I love how it makes me feel. I love what I eat and how it makes my body feel.

2 years of maintaining & counting. I'm never going back. :) It is worth every stinking ounce of sweat and effort. Every single one.

I would not be strong enough to handle what I must to achieve my dream otherwise.

So you go. Live your life and love it. Love you. :D

Scarlet Simple said...

Ahh this issue. I found a website back in early '09 while looking around for other people like me, people who were morbidly obese who did not want surgery and I stumbled upon a "fat acceptance" website. I'm not trying to hurt anyone's feelings but I found it to be disturbing.

Do I love myself? Yeah, I really do. Does loving myself mean that I have to accept weighing over 400 lbs? Um, heck no! It means (for me) the exact opposite. It means making myself into the person I am capable of being...not just for me. Being fat is easy, and selfish. As I was binging and spiraling out of control I didn't think I was hurting anyone either...but I was. My mom who was also obese had guilt over losing weight and being healthy and saving her OWN life because she didn't want to leave me behind. I was taxing my family. I couldn't do anything, work was hard, and then when I was laid off I was completely unable to do house work. I was hurting my friends. I couldn't go places with them that involved any walking, I couldn't go to amusement parks or sit in booths at restaurants with them, and so I would just not go...

I was hurting my husband by constantly feeling bad about myself and constantly questioning his feelings.

And good GOD but I was trying to have kids at over 400 pounds and let me tell you that even if I had managed to without complication I would have hurt them even as I loved them. I would have exposed them to my unhealthy lifestyle and bad attitude and at over 400 pounds I am guaranteed to need them to take care of me before I'm 60, if I made it there.

So does being morbidly obese hurt other people? You bet it does.

For me loving myself means accepting the person I know I deserve to be as opposed to the person I'd settle for.

This got long!

Roxie said...

Who am I to tell someone else that they should hate themselves for how they look? If they are indeed happy with the choices they are making, then more power to them. I would not wish the self-hatred that normally accompanies morbid obesity upon another living soul.

Annalisa201 said...

Amen Chris! I was well and truly on my way to obesity at almost 190 lbs (at the age of 20 no less!) and I had to work hard and discipline myself to get back down to 160. For years, I thought it was okay, but now I'm told that the weight around my belly could be life threatening in the long term. I want to live a long full life, so I make the choice to discipline myself in order to be healthy. It's a choice.

NaturallyMe said...

I use to pretend to accept me being fat (actually morbidly obese). Then, I would complain that society refused to accomodate me. Well, society never agreed to accept me or my fat. Since I chose to remain 300 pounds, I had to live with the consequences (and looks, snide remarks, health risks, et cetera). Now, I have decided that I want to enjoy the rest of my life. I no longer want to be on the sidelines watching the world go by. I now choose to accept ME and reject the fat.

All that to say, great post.

Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit said...

Strong stuff, Chris. Way to bring the heat...

Dagny said...

I saw this post the day you wrote it and I wanted to respond then but did not have time. I'm arriving late to the party so I'm going to write a post myself on this subject. You and your readers will be able to find it at My blog when it's posted.

Flabby McGee said...

Read this today b/c I read Dagny's blog (above me here) and I think this is a phenomenal post. I weigh 312 pounds at 5 foot 2. I am morbidly obese. I am wearing 5x shirts and size 28-30 jeans. I spent years of my life trying to accept who I am. What I finally accepted was the fact that I was too lazy to get off the couch. As a really big fat person, I can honestly say I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. It IS like being alcoholic, the only difference is that they can avoid alcohol - and we can't avoid food. My ex husband is an alcoholic, so I truly understand the comparison. Excellent post, taking an excellent stand on something potentially dangerous for millions of overweight women. Loved this!!

Lisa said...

I have been meaning to get around to a post about Fat Acceptance too. I agree with some of what the FA crowd says but I can not agree with all of it.

I do not think that anyone should be discriminated against for their weight. And if someone wants to stay morbidly obese then that is their choice but they do have to live (or die) with the consequences.
Why is it that the overweight people are in the majority in this country but made to feel like the minority?
Another pet peeve of mine is the fact that fat people are portrayed as unhappy, depressed, emotional people who just sit around a stuff their faces.
I have been fat all my life. I am now working on changing myself and have been seeing some wonderful results. I am feeling better in the fact that I do have more energy. But I have not always been unhappy. I am married to a wonderful man who I know loves me for me and not just my looks. I have had a lot of happy times and some sad ones, that is life. I have not just sat around and stuffed my face. I did eat the wrong foods but I did not eat HUGE portions or eat more than most people around me.

In fact I am probably eating more now that I am losing weight. It is just that now I am not eating out hardly at all. I am eating more fruits and veggies and have cut way back on red meat. And I now eat breakfast.
Many FA also say that their weight has no effect on the way that they feel. But and this is big but (no pun intended) when you do lose weight you start to see how much better you do feel. When you are fat you might not even realize how much pain you are in or how limited you are. You do not notice it because you are living your norm and it is just life to you. You do not even notice things until you can suddenly do them.
But I do agree that we all should love ourselves and not be ashamed. You can love yourself and respect yourself but still want to become a healthier and more fit person. I do not agree with the FA people saying that being fat is healthy. I do not care how you spin that one around but it is not healthy. How can putting all that strain on your heart alone be healthy?
All you have to do is use some common sense, and take a college anatomy and physiology class to see that being fat is unhealthy. There is no way around science, it is fact. Sorry that is just how our bodies are made.
Now I am not saying that their are not unhealthy thin people because yes there are. And there are fat people who are healthier than some thin people. But in the end staying overweight is a huge health risk. A risk, just like smoking, drinking too much, taking drugs, etc. It does not mean you will die today or even tomorrow but it is a gamble and aren't you worth so much more than just a roll of the dice?
If you really love yourself then you will want to take care of you. You will want to honor yourself and do everything that you can in your power to stay here on earth with your friends and family.
We might like to think that it is our problem and ours alone. But that is very arrogant. What we do does have an impact on our families and loved ones. Do not be so selfish to think that your weight is just your problem because it is not.

Do love yourself. Do be proud of your body for no matter what size it is, all of our bodies are an amazing wonder. But do not kid yourself into thinking that being fat is the healthy way because no matter how much we want to believe that, logic and science shows us that it is not.

You do not have to be some skinny minny. You can still have curves to celebrate. But do eat better. That is not just for the overweight but for all sizes. We ALL need to eat better and nourish ourselves in the best way we can.

Sorry this got so darn long. This would be long even for a post on my
blog, lol! I did not mean to highjack your post at all. I so get what you are saying and I think your post is the best I have read on this topic. I applaud you!

Rock it, live it, own it!
Lisa
www.fightingtobehealth.blogspot.com