finding myself...warning...hippy type post ahead...

Hello all,
I am writing to say I won't be writing till friday.
I have been having that inner prompting towards self examination again...
Maybe it's because I weigh in at around 158-159 in the mornings now.
I have about 20 some odd pounds to go before hitting goal...and something has been on my mind.
My soul.
It's great to lose weight.
I feel like a new woman.
I like wearing new sexier clothing.
But I have been thinking now about who I want to be.
Not just an image I project...
But who I am all the way through.
Like an oak tree (That's for you barbra walters)
I want what people see on the outside to match my insides.
And my insides to match my outsides.
So, for the longest time when I was fat, I was trying to be what I thought everyone wanted.
Then I went through a period of saying to h*ll with everything, I am going to get healthy.
(Let's just say certain aspects of home life have suffered...bill paying, house cleaning etc.)
I haven't been to church in a really long time.
Balance and me....He gave a sideways glance about a month back....
I saw him in passing..he said "Where've you been?"
I said "Oh, around"
He said "we ought to get together sometime."
I said "I'll have to get back to you on that....I gotta get to the gym.'
So this morning I sat down and wrote out what kind of person I want to be...
To be honest, I actually initially wrote:
How do I want others to view me...
Then I realized that it didn't  REALLY matter how others viewed me...
that If I lived my life with integrity (moral soundness, the quality or state of being uninpaired)
That when People looked at me...and if I lived what I said and said what I lived...people would view what they viewed...and that would be enough.
So really, this has to do with who I want to BE.
So, I wrote it down.
I want to be Ethical, Truthful, Hardworking, Well informed and widely read, balanced,  generous in spirit, compassionate, reasoned, circumspect (this is a big one...it means attentive to the consequences of ones behavior, prudent and discreet...sometimes I have a  mouth like a mini gun) Patient, and a person of Optimism and faith.
Well, that's a load.
I have very.far.to.go.
There are ways to obtain many of these qualities...I have been working on being ethical, truthful and well reasoned as well as my optimism. Faiith has been put on the back burner for a for a while.
I am still working on balance, compassion and generosity.
Starting at less than 20 percent complete would be  circumspection, patience and being well informed and widely read.  I don't know alot about alot of things..
I would like to read more.
Patience...um, 30 seconds is my limit.
And circumspection...sometimes I think I am being funny when I am just being rude...I step on people's toes, I dive in too quick with comments when I am really talking out of my *ss.
I want to be one of those people in the back of the room that doesn't give an opinion until every side is heard, all thoughts are expressed and everyone else has added their two cents and then they ask me....I don't want to be a big mouthed know it all... I know I can come off like that.
I think my enthusiasm gets in the way of wisdom.
That can be lethal.
So, I am going to try to structure my life a bit differently.
I think three days a week is enough at the gym.
The other three days a week I can do here at home.
I need to get my lifting in...that isn't really an option....
6 days a week of cardio isn't an option either.
I am doing it.
But I really need to decided where to put my energy and in what amounts.
I want to get back to church.
I want to spend time (more time) with my family.
I want to honor my commitment as a girl scout troop leader.
So, I will be back on Friday....
I will talk to you all then.
Chris out.


Seth said...

I like it. It takes a lot to do this. I think you've got a good start.

- Seth

Anonymous said...

I can TOTALLY get behind your commitment to becoming ACTIVELY the woman you want to be. Kudos to you for taking the time to think about these things, and we'll be here Friday when you get back!

Katie J said...

I think that you are successful because you have done a lot of the internal work that needs to be done on this journey and that has always impressed me. I have been doing some soul searching myself and have a post about it brewing. See you Friday!

Buzzy & Breezelys Mama said...

Just one more reason you are one of the women/bloggers I am so motivated by. Your words are strong and you know what you want and you go for it. You are an amazing person and I completely agree that once the majority of an enormous change is complete it is time for a reevaluation and time to make the necessary changes to be who we want to be. YOU ROCK CHRIS and of course I'm sure all your readers will be waiting (im)patiently for Friday. :)

Robin said...

I like it. Balance. The unexamined life is not worth living...

Anonymous said...

You're wonderful. I hope your "sabbatical" is fruitful.
Just promise you'll come back. :-)

Gabby Glows said...

I just discovered your blog the other day and it has really inspired me. You have an old post about being nice instead of healthy... it made me cry. I am the one to listen to everyones problems, put everyone first, and now I am obese, unhappy, and unhealthy. That post has inspired me to put ME first for a change. I found your blog on the same night that I had a switch flip. Thank You for writing about your journey, it has only fueled my fire even more! You look amazing by the way :) I am starting a new blog http://gabbyglows.blogspot.com/ I hope to be as successful and determined as you!

karen@fitnessjourney said...

It is good to step back and assess how things are going in your life and what needs changing. Good for you.

TJ said...

For this healthy lifestyle to work and become part of your life you need to make things a priority. Good for you for taking a lil break to figure stuff out. If you don't come back I will come looking for you. lol :)

Juli's Journey said...

Good for you. It is so important to work on inner as well as outer self. You seem to have the right idea and are on the right track.

Splurgie said...

Look how you've become an inspiration for newcomers! You have a pretty ambitious list to check off: it could take a lifetime but you have a whole lifetime to work on it. You don't have to get circumspect by Sunday. You look amazing by the way.

Julie Lost and Found said...

Love it. Just love it. You are one cool chick! Really excited to find out how this goes for you! I'm sort of working through a lot of this myself..a LOT and have NO idea where I am right now...but that's ok.

Hoping you have a wonderful week!

Anonymous said...

Balance is such a hard thing to find. I don't know about you, but I had to be a little unbalanced to get ahold of my health. I am in a lot better shape now, but I still don't have the balance back either. I am better in that respect than I was six months ago, but I still have a ways to go.

This post really spoke to me. Thanks.

Anonymous said...

From one who came of age in the late sixties, I kinc of like hippy posts. :)

You may find my last post of interest. It's called, "Restless--I need to get back to my bloggy roots.:


May you find the clarity and vision and your best self.


MargieAnne said...

Hi Chris. First a comment on a post a day or two ago about not being recognised or being invisible.

I see two things have happened as you've done the work to be where you now are.

Your appearance has changed somewhat from the weight you have lost and you have become more confident as a woman. This last has brought changes that will surprise some who still think of you dressed in frequently unfeminine clothes like the old Chris. You have come to love your femininity in a beautiful way. That will make some people uncertain.

About today's post. I'm so glad you are taking time to assess where and who you are especially your faith.

I don't want to be over bold but there is something you need to do if you have not done so for a while. Get quiet and give God a chance to tell you what He sees. Ask him, straight out what He sees when He's looking at you. I think that once you've really listened all the stuff you want in your life will start to fall into line.

Kim & Fred said...

I also struggle with balance. What should I say yes to and how much time should I devote to it?

My usual test for whether to add or subtract something from my life is who gets the glory for me doing it and why am I doing it? If God will get the glory, then sign me up. I also try to eliminate those things that I do just because I feel obligated. Life is short. I want to enjoy the days that God has given me and the blessings that He's given me (ie. my family).

For me the bottom line is, I put Him first, and everything else either falls into place or it falls out of my life.

Glad to see you're focused on being healthy, inside and out. Lord knows my outside needs it!

Linda Pressman said...

Working on character flaws with honesty and integrity is some of the most important work a person can ever do. I can honestly say that I am a different person now than I was 10 years ago. I am a bit more deliberate (can I steal your word?), I'm slower to action because I'm aware of the repercussions one action can have in the world.

I constantly ask myself "What is the next right thing?" and, my newest prayer, "What is God's will for this moment?" It's amazing where those two things lead me!

Jenny said...

You can do anything when you have God at your back. But Him first and your relationship with Him first and everything else will fall into place! You're doing a great thing!

Putz said...

damn girl., there you go again, being so much more than a person who has lost weight, i have seen this in you right from the sart>to me this was never a blog about losing weight, but finding yourself, and here you go again girl, you will certainly be the best you that ever was or could be>>love the putz

LA said...

I can completely relate with wanting to get back to church. I have recently started going again and it feels amazing to be getting healthy spiritually and physically at the same time!

Take all the time you need for yourself, your faith and your family. We'll all be here when you get back! :)

The_Exquisite_Christine said...

A very vital step. :D And I always love reading through your thinking posts. ♥

Kim said...

I'm telling you, you and I would be total buds if we lived close...we're so alike. I almost have the staying quiet until all opinions are out there thing, down. It's hard though. I haven't been to church in a long time too and balance is not my strong suit by any measure. I homeschool too...lol...hmm something wrong with this pic? lol You'll be able to do this...we both will. :)

Sandra said...

I've been out of the loop for a week or so... have some catching up to do but again Chris, you have spoken the words that so many people feel but were unable to get it out. You are on the right track in stopping now to find yourself. I liked what MargieAnn had to say - go quiet and go within and ask those questions. The answer will come to you.
You are a wonderful person Chris, a lot of what you want to "BE", you already are.

Alexia said...

One of my friend's kid who is extremely precocious for his age, gets extremely obsessed with whatever his interest at the time is. At one point it was cars. Everytime I saw him he asked me what my favorite car is. He's newly 6-years-old and all he can think about in chess. He shamelessly beat me in a game last week.

I mention all this because I do the same thing. I'll get really into something and only focus on it and forget about other aspects of my life. That's definitely happened with me and this weight-loss thing.

Thanks for this post, Chris. Thank you for reminding me about balance.

Tammy said...

Just caught up on your last couple of posts. I'm praying that your brother will "come to the light" very soon. Very, very soon. Also, I love this last post and the things you decided you want to be. Excellent...I can't wait til you post again and tell us your thoughts. Really looking forward to it. :)

Morgan said...

I would like to say, in regards to your being one of the first to jump in with something to say, that as far as the comments you have left on my blog are concerned, I am SO glad that you don't sit at the back of the room and wait to respond. You have given me some great (and hard) things to think about, and often there is no one else who will throw it on the line the way you do. I guess what I am saying is, don't always be quiet!!!

You are such a dedicated person, that I know you will find that balance again. Its there within you, it has just been dormant while you have been getting yourself back together. Wake it up (but gently, otherwise you end up on the other end of the issue!)

I struggle in a big way with how others view me, and my husband ALWAYS tells me that I can't control what others think. I can only control who I am and what I think, and that is all that matters anyway. I am still trying to live that.

cmoursler said...

@ Morgan.
Thank you. The last one I left on your blog was a doozy.
I had a little jolt when I saw you there, lol.
I am glad I don't just piss you off.
I mean well.
Hope things are going better.

Stephen said...

Hey Chris, You won my giveaway: http://www.whoatemyblog.com/2010/05/bondiband-and-run-happy-tees-giveaway.html

Please email the address you would like the items shipped to.

My email is stephen at whoatemyblog dot com.

Here's the post announcing the winner: http://www.whoatemyblog.com/2010/05/thank-you-and-giveaway-winner.html

Thank you for entering.

Mary :: A Merry Life said...

Self examination is hard and most of us don't do it. So congrats on doing something good that most people avoid! And you are such an amazing person to share this part of your journey with us all. I know I don't comment often, but I really appreciate it.

Anonymous said...

do not feel like you need to warn anyone about being honest. that is one of the hardest things for me: feeling bad about sharing my personal thoughts. be you! I love the exploration you are doing