I am writing to say I won't be writing till friday.
I have been having that inner prompting towards self examination again...
Maybe it's because I weigh in at around 158-159 in the mornings now.
I have about 20 some odd pounds to go before hitting goal...and something has been on my mind.
It's great to lose weight.
I feel like a new woman.
I like wearing new sexier clothing.
But I have been thinking now about who I want to be.
Not just an image I project...
But who I am all the way through.
Like an oak tree (That's for you barbra walters)
I want what people see on the outside to match my insides.
And my insides to match my outsides.
So, for the longest time when I was fat, I was trying to be what I thought everyone wanted.
Then I went through a period of saying to h*ll with everything, I am going to get healthy.
(Let's just say certain aspects of home life have suffered...bill paying, house cleaning etc.)
I haven't been to church in a really long time.
Balance and me....He gave a sideways glance about a month back....
I saw him in passing..he said "Where've you been?"
I said "Oh, around"
He said "we ought to get together sometime."
I said "I'll have to get back to you on that....I gotta get to the gym.'
So this morning I sat down and wrote out what kind of person I want to be...
To be honest, I actually initially wrote:
How do I want others to view me...
Then I realized that it didn't REALLY matter how others viewed me...
that If I lived my life with integrity (moral soundness, the quality or state of being uninpaired)
That when People looked at me...and if I lived what I said and said what I lived...people would view what they viewed...and that would be enough.
So really, this has to do with who I want to BE.
So, I wrote it down.
I want to be Ethical, Truthful, Hardworking, Well informed and widely read, balanced, generous in spirit, compassionate, reasoned, circumspect (this is a big one...it means attentive to the consequences of ones behavior, prudent and discreet...sometimes I have a mouth like a mini gun) Patient, and a person of Optimism and faith.
Well, that's a load.
I have very.far.to.go.
There are ways to obtain many of these qualities...I have been working on being ethical, truthful and well reasoned as well as my optimism. Faiith has been put on the back burner for a for a while.
I am still working on balance, compassion and generosity.
Starting at less than 20 percent complete would be circumspection, patience and being well informed and widely read. I don't know alot about alot of things..
I would like to read more.
Patience...um, 30 seconds is my limit.
And circumspection...sometimes I think I am being funny when I am just being rude...I step on people's toes, I dive in too quick with comments when I am really talking out of my *ss.
I want to be one of those people in the back of the room that doesn't give an opinion until every side is heard, all thoughts are expressed and everyone else has added their two cents and then they ask me....I don't want to be a big mouthed know it all... I know I can come off like that.
I think my enthusiasm gets in the way of wisdom.
That can be lethal.
So, I am going to try to structure my life a bit differently.
I think three days a week is enough at the gym.
The other three days a week I can do here at home.
I need to get my lifting in...that isn't really an option....
6 days a week of cardio isn't an option either.
I am doing it.
But I really need to decided where to put my energy and in what amounts.
I want to get back to church.
I want to spend time (more time) with my family.
I want to honor my commitment as a girl scout troop leader.
So, I will be back on Friday....
I will talk to you all then.