Lead, follow, or get out of the way...I choose lead.

Hey all,
First let's start with my workout..it was epic.
I did one hour at my self defense class..then I went to the gym and did a whole body workout with brooke, and a mile walk.
It was a two and a half hour workout.
I ate 1750 calories...These last two weeks have been on point with the eating and exercise.

My day was incredibly busy.
My last two weeks have been very busy.
In the midst of all of this hullabaloo, I have reached a few conclusions.
Don't wait till you feel a crisis has been reached to better yourself.
I have spent years attempting to better everyone around me..it's what women do.
Now it is time to find out what I can do..what I can contribute..and pour some of that effort into me. 

Number two..
I have given the words and actions of others more power than my own.
Since I have started changing how I approach my husband and everyone around me..
I have noticed a change in response.
By being proactive,  I am creating my responses.
What do I mean.
I mean I am acting, not being acted upon.
When you choose a direction...and begin to put plans in place with confidence..
Most people don't have that kind of determination..or sense of purpose.
They either stand by with a kind of stupefied expression...aka 'get out of the way'..
or they help (aka follow).
I have found that when people are kind of standing around without a purpose, You can give them a purpose (aka lead).
So, I have been delegating.
And by gosh..it works.
My youngest just did the dishes...my oldest vacuumed upstairs and my husband packed his own lunch and got himself around.
Me...I highlighted notes I took today and wrote my to do list for tomorrow.
I went to my 'orientation' meeting at women's resources last Thursday.
It was very interesting..looking around that room..I wondered what had brought everyone there.
No one volunteered any information.
I signed up for two classes..
One is a resume class..and the other is an interviewing class.
Those are in August.
I went to the library and found out I don't have to wait for computer classes.
They have a self guided tutorial  you can use for the Microsoft office suite. 
So Today was my first day using the self tutor.
I am learning outlook.
Next I will be learning Word, then excel.

After I finish my online tutorials for Microsoft....I am going down to the women's resource agency to see if I can't volunteer there one or two days a week in the front office. I hope to gain experience in customer service and working in an office setting.  I think six months of learning computer programs and volunteering will give me enough experience to apply for an entry level secretarial position...from there I can begin earning money to go to college.
Once I get an associates degree in either business or liberal arts (aka social work).
 I can become an administrative assistant. A fancy term for a secretary who makes more money. LOL.
My goal is to work for one of these agencies. Make enough money to slowly put myself through college and become an executive assistant.  That is where the money and career is..So for now, I will  use this time to learn skills and make the contacts that will make that possible.
That is what I have been up to.
Have a great night.
Chris out.

Putting my own clothes on my back...

I started a dog sitting service in my neighborhood.
This way, I can make money...
once I get up enough (around 800 dollars)...every item in my closet is coming out..
Some to Goodwill, some to be burned.
and I am buying my own clothes.
I will be putting the "clothes on my back" from here on out.
My orientation is for 12 o clock at women's resource..
they will tell me what to expect and when my computer classes begin.
I find also, that many employers like bi lingual receptionists..
so I will be stopping by the library later to sign up for classes.
After that...it's off to the gym so I can keep on heading down the scale.
In the meantime, enjoy this musical interlude...

Hugs and blessings,
Chris out.

Leverage-it makes everything easier

okay,
So two days ago I went to the women's resource center...
They offer free computer classes and career counseling.
I have orientation tomorrow.
The first step in fixing an issue is acquiring leverage.

Just like with weight loss..
you need a plan.
My plan is to begin acquiring skills to enter the workforce.
I have no idea how to operate any of the windows office applications.
From reading different job descriptions, it would seem these are mandatory.
So, tomorrow I have an appointment for orientation.
Then I can begin classes.
They have seminars about different jobs that are available...interviewing techniques...building a resume...
etc.
In the meantime, I have found that the simple application of action vs. inaction causes attitudes to readjust and realign.
That doesn't change my course of action.
I have come to the conclusion that if you want respect, you need to put yourself in a position of power...and power comes with assets and leverage.
assets and leverage come with options.
I am creating them.
I am no quitter, and I am willing to make all of my relationships work.
But on an equal basis...as an equal partnership.
Never again as some sort of 'subordinate'.
I had a fantastic workout...an hour to an hour and a half...
I have been on track with calories since my personal revelation.
I want to be fit and healthy and lookin' good.
I want to be educated, strong and independently financially stable.
I am moving forward on all fronts.
I choose to view this interlude as the kind of wake up call that changes my life for the better.
Because I choose to.
I will keep you all informed.
Hugs,
Chris out.

What you sensed was anger...rebuilding my chicken coup.

Depression is anger turned inwards..
and when you no longer feel the need to self flagellate..
anger turns outwards.

I read something a while back that changed how I viewed my childhood.
How I viewed my forgiveness.
How I viewed abuse.
Abusers.
and what answers I had
and wanted to give.
I was such a startlingly clarifying moment..
It knocked me on my ass.

Abuse is a choice.
Not an illness.
I know people will tell me that abusers must be mentally ill.
But I tell you, all they have is excuses.
And they have limits..
limits they tell you, others and even themselves..
That their behavior is not abusive because they hit with an open hand, or only belittle, or only control.
but it is.
I read a scene from a therapists' book.
In the scene she was pretending to be an abuser in a marital relationship.
And the people she was counseling.
They were giving her tips..
on how better to intimidate their 'loved' one.
LEAN CLOSER...yelled one.
pretend you are going to hit her! Yelled another.
"blame her and tell her it's her fault"...shouted another.
In those 'tips'..I recognized my abusive stepfather..
How he would hide behind sunglasses and stare...so you couldn't tell who he was looking at..
how he would loom..
how he would snap the belt in front of your face.
How he would use his silence to intimidate.
How he never called us by our name.
How he never allowed us to laugh.
and every last excuse I had concocted for his abuse was stripped away.
It was planned.
They say they are 'out of control'.
Isn't it funny how they only break your things?
Isn't it funny how they tell you that they aren't abusers because they don't hit with a closed fist.
They have a point they will not cross.
And if they cross that point they blame someone else.
If abusers abuse because they were abused.
Then why don't I abuse?
I think my interior inability to let go over the years was a direct result of knowing that every excuse I concocted for his abuse was bullshit.
We don't want to believe that people abused us voluntarily.
We want to believe they can't help themselves..
even though they go to work every day and treat their bosses and co workers in a civil manner.
Even when they are charming to the waitress or good to their siblings.
Why us?
They did it because  we were a convenient outlet for their  abuse.
They didn't do it because they loved and didn't know how to control it..
they did it because they love themselves and we were their pummeling dummy.
Theirs to control.
It changed everything.
And the choice I had to make was a hard one..
it wasn't so much to forgive in the classical sense.
It was a putting away of the past, and a realization that I cannot make decisions anymore based on fear or rage.
I refuse to live with the ball of anger or fear in me.
So...I choose to grab on to love and hope and use my knowledge to empower other women to see that while their abuser is making choices.
They have choices to make as well.
It changed the way I deal with and how I view people.
It changed what I will and won't accept.
And it sure kicked me in the ass about how I was using food..even in small amounts, to comfort myself and then making excuses as to why I was doing it.
Don't we all have excuses as to why things don't get done.
How our behavior is valid..
when many times it isn't.
What we do, how we live..
it affects people.
Our time on earth is limited.
Letting go of my anger has been quite the process.
I am not all the way there..
but I am part way there.
I intend to let people in..
to smile at people.
to not fear random men.
to love and to accept people despite their imperfections.
Because for years..any sign of poor decision making had me throwing up walls..
as if it would rub off.
That Kelly Clarkson song 'because of you'...that was me.
I refused to let anything messy pop up.
And I refused to be guided by emotion or to even acknowledge them.
I am now learning to acknowledge my emotions..
and to work through my irrational ones..act on my pertinent ones..
and I am learning to be happy..
to use my childhood as a catalyst for positive..
instead of a reverse image to fight against.
I am building my emotional chicken coup....and populating it with things that matter.
I tore it all down..
now I have to build it into what I want it to be...

Thank you Deb and Sue for  your concern. 
Hugs,
Chris out.