8.01.2016

To whom much is given...

Much is required..

Any church going people recognise that?
Probably.
I remember hearing that in Sunday school...it didn't sink in..
Probably because deep down, I didn't think it applied to me...
I'll get back to that..
So I am at the gym yesterday..without music. I hate it when that happens..leave your MP3 player with power on overnight, and you are left listening to wannabe Arnold shwartzennegers grunt their way through their 30 pound deadlifts.

So, without music..I think.
About my life.
And I seriously wonder wtf sometimes.
Shit childhood.
I wandered into a marriage where I was alone most of the time...
Then when my husband came back..it was PTSD and anger issues and marriage recovery.
Every step of the way I feel I'm scaling walls..
Obese..lose 100 pounds..stay home with my kids, nearly lose my marriage and have zero work experience..no college...then to work in a pretty toxic work environment..made manager..
Recovered my marriage with a lot of hard work.  

Then finally I have a friend..for six months..I wasn't so alone in my adultness..
And she dies...
To whom much is given...
What is my much? 
I have had a lot required of me..

And I was done with my workout..
Walking down the hall..and it hit me.

My much is that I will not quit.

And I finally realised that is not a gift everyone has..
In fact, it is extremely rare..and I have a feeling that the people who read this blog are the same as me.
They recognised it in words I wrote...the feeling of it..but never those exact words....
I will not quit..ever.

No matter how badly I want to sometimes.
Even as a child, I didn't.  I never could accept my nickname (dummy) from my abuser. 
I just tried harder. 
In the army, I never could quit on a run...til I made first run group.
I didn't quit on my kids and homeschooling and moving and keeping our family together.
Even though I was tired and done 70 percent of the time.
When my friend died...
I didn't get scared and quit on life...
There was something terrifying and exhilarating in this thought...the idea that you will not quit.
If you are that person...deep down you know.

All of  these hurdles are not what was required..
They were the trials that were meant to show me the nature of my gift.
What is required is that I take my gift and help the people who weren't given this gift..
The people too tired to move forward.
I think you will find your true gift in the tools you used to face your battles...my gift is perseverance...fight...determination and the acquisition of wisdom.
What is your much? 
Have that answer and you have your purpose.
You may wonder what I decided to do with my much..I did my second domestic violence intake at tessa today..I quit my job in March, took the training and jumped in both feet...I am equipping women in the fight to recover their lives from domestic violence, and on August 31 rst, I am also going to help teach a self defense seminar at a local church...helping women feel safe and secure in their person. One person at a time, one day at a time.
Chris out

1 comment:

Jill said...

Good gravy, if anyone's a fighter, it's you! I love it when you post because I know you are going to lay down some TRUTH and I always learn something from you. Thanks for posting and sharing this today. (Also, so sorry for the loss of your friend. :( )