How I crawled out of my hole and became whole.

Hey all...
I haven't written allot because I had plenty to say but didn't know exactly how to phrase it.
That never used to be a problem for me.
Now it is, because I understand how important words are...
I used to think words were just words.
But they aren't.
Sometimes words are the impetus to action, and as long as they are..they mean something.
Words without action mean nothing.
I have been thinking about my long climb out of the very deep hole that I used to live in.
A hole that was at first dug by others...then myself.
And I used to ascribe my ascent..or tried to ascribe it to one or two people or moments..
but the people kept shifting...the moments kept shifting..
Was it here or there.
Was it this moment or that moment....
I was trying to explain it to myself and others...you guys, my family.
And I finally realized that it was more a consequence of little life buoys that were strewn out along my life's path.
Buoys that I grabbed and held on to, and utilized to move on to the next phase of my life.
The moment my art teacher gave me a quarter and told me to grab a cup of coffee and think about my life when it seemed that I had come to a dead end.
Standing on a corner waiting for a cab for a date, and meeting my future husband.
A chance talk with a pastor that leveled a truth at me that changed the way I view relationships, a chance look in a mirror...a miscarriage followed by time and space to think.
These all seem random.
And they could have come to nothing if I had discarded the advice, ignored the opportunity, kept myself too busy to think because it was just too painful.
But in each instance, each opportunity, I grabbed that buoy.
I learned and kept moving forward. 
These chances and opportunities and moments in time with different situations and people didn't get me here all at once...but slowly they pulled me along to new places.

I used to wish that I would just GET THERE.
I have little patience..it's one of my biggest faults.
My final weight..
getting over my childhood...
But I have finally realized that even if I had had a magical rope that had dragged me to my final destination at the speed of light.
I would have had what I wanted..but I would not have been able to keep it.
Because I wouldn't have learned the lessons I needed to learn to hold on to what was precious.
I wouldn't have understood how precious peace AND WHOLENESS of mind was...
or how to achieve it on my own outside of circumstances...
if I hadn't gone through each trial and learned it for myself.

We are where we are for a reason.
And at each pivot point, it is up to us to do the hard thing.
The thing that we know needs to be done to let go of whatever it is we are clinging to that is holding us back, and move on.

My whole trip has been toward one point.
Wholeness.
I have had two instances in the last month that should have sent me into binge mode.
Both involved men making passes at me.
One was even drunk.
And not one whiff of fear.
Not one twinge.
Just  me.
I probed into my brain last night..trying to see if any of the old triggers would trip.
And all I found was a mind that was sound and at peace.
As if this final step of learning to defend myself, (but more than that. knowing that I would be passing it on)...had finally healed that rotten portion of my psyche that had named me VICTIM.
I no longer want to cling to the anger or the fear.
I was taught to fear by a person who himself was full of fear.

And quite frankly, that is nothing to be afraid of.

My last, worst hurdle was letting go of what I THOUGHT made me strong (anger and fear), and embracing what really makes me strong (compassion and understanding and giving).

I sat in the car last night, in my own body...looking out of my own eyes and felt great.
I Felt the wholeness of me, and knew that I was okay. 
That I have something to give that is of infinite value and that no part of me is defective, or less than. I am not afraid. I am no longer a victim.  I am simply me.  Whoever I choose to make that and whatever I choose to be.
It's freeing and exciting.
Chris out.