Why (die)ts fail.....part 1

Okay,
So, as I said yesterday...I am going to write a post specifically about (die)ts.
The first reason (die)ts fail is simply this, (die)ts don't work. I am talking about (die)ts with a capital D. The thing you start on monday. The magic formula that will transform you into Paris Hilton. Calorie deprivation with an expiration date. A 'way of eating' that ends at the perfect number. Then you can 'go back to doing what you've always done.'

I wanted to write this post because I have seen a lot of posts on different blogs lately that should have this big, fat, red warning flag flying over them. The warning flag of impending disaster, of (die)t failure. In fact, if you look at my blog roll on the right side of my page, you will see a blog that hasn't been updated in months. Her last post. "I lost two pounds, time to up my calories". Red Flag. I leave it there as an illustration, as a warning. You all can quit at any time. You can flip that switch, you can tell yourself "I've lost enough". or, "This is good enough"....or "I am just going to take a week off. " Then the week turns to months, months to years. I know. I've been there.

I know all about why (die)ts fail. I have been on all kinds. I have been on the Army (die)t. That's where you join the army and you have no choice...running five to seven miles a day and hiking 20 will take the fat off you. NO matter how much food you stuff in. (When you have the time.) I have been on the starvation diet. Eat as little as possible, starve and go to the gym....you lose weight, but the idea of living this way for. the. rest. of. your. life. has no appeal. You raise your plump little fist in the air and state triumphantly "I'll never go hungry again". They'll just have to accept me as I am, I was born this way, I don't look that bad. Sound familiar.

That's when you try the "I'll just walk daily and eat moderately" diet. Well, except for the trips to fast food restaurants, birthday parties, holidays, and girl scout cookies. Or when your pissed, your sad, your depressed, your lonely, your bored, you had an argument with your husband, it's movie night. You say to yourself "Hey, but I'm walking 3/4ths of a mile with my very good friend and my children every day. That has to count for something...yeah, try thirty something more pounds.

Then You decide to GET SERIOUS. You have to DO SOMETHING. You are SO FAT. How can I get this fat off me? Where is that 'right diet'....the magical combination of food that will cause me to STOP CRAVING FOOD. The (Die)t that will Fix my messed up relationship with food. The diet that will be the answer to ALL MY PROBLEMS.
For me, this was Atkins. It would get rid of my sugar cravings. It didn't matter how much I ate, I could eat TILL I WAS FULL. It was perfect. Just what I'd been waiting for. Screw those shmucks who keep telling you to eat a healthy, balanced (die)t with fruits and vegetables. My weight was going to fall off. This would be the absolute LAST (DIE)T I WOULD BE ON.
I lasted six months, I lost 25 lbs. When I stopped doing Atkins,, my heart beat irregularly, I stunk, and I was done. I thought...I'll do south beach. So I did. Except I was hungry ALL THE TIME. I gained every pound back. You see, I was never full. There was always more room. Because it wasn't physical hunger.

I quit. My final decision was quitting quitting.
I was never going to (die)t again. I got pregnant not long after I quit Atkins. I weighed 239 pounds. I miscarried. I went to the doctor and He said "Maybe if you lost some weight, you could have had a better chance of carrying that baby".
You would think that would have woke me up...but it didn't. I slid into a depression that lasted over a year. That year was a blur. That was the year of katrina, my miscarriage, my brother's aids diagnoses, my husbands 2nd and 3rd tour to Iraq, my friends husband's death in Iraq. I almost had a nervous breakdown. I felt so far removed from life, the only thing that kept me going was the dailyness of it all. Get up, do school, clean up, go to bed. I started taking Kate to a self defense class. I watched this dude who was so full of passion, teaching these kids how to protect themselves. I thought "Where is my passion?"
I didn't have any. I felt dead inside.
I took a five day trip to vegas to see my little brother. On that trip I made quite a few decisions. The biggest one was this. I only have control over me.
Then as I thought about where my passion for life had went, I realized that I had never really had any. It was beaten out of me when I was young. If I wanted some passion, then I was going to have to discover it.
That was my second big discovery. That discovery was this: It's not what I'm eating, it's what's eating me. You see, I had read self help books out the wazoo. I had tried everything I could think of to NOT CARE ABOUT MY PAST. To let it all go. The things was, I never dealt with the crap. Really dealt with it. I mean in your face, I am going to settle it, once and for all....deal with it. Telling my mom how I felt growing up. (check) Calling he who shall not be named in person and telling him he was an abuser. (check) Finally telling people how my (not biological)grandfather had called me his "petite princess" and had touched me inappropriately.

It was Learning Not to gloss over my marriage issues, learning to face people head on...no matter how frightening it was. Instead of simply responding to the needs, wants and desires of others. I had to learn what I needed, what I wanted, what I desired. I had to deal with my sh*t.
If you don't deal with your sh*t, you will never lose weight. Oh, you might drop 100 lbs. but you will gain it right back. If you don't figure out why you are fat....and I hope to God that for the majority of you, it is really as simple as; "I like to eat."

For rest of us: Our fat is our protection, our gaurdian, our friend. Oh, out loud you don't call it that. You want to get rid of it. You hate it.

But, have you ever really looked at it?. Have you never looked at why? If you have started losing weight, someone notices and then....you binge. I hate to be the one to tell you this, but there is a deeper reason than just, "I like food." If you find yourself eating when your not hungry, to fill a void, to feed the loneliness, it's not just, "I like food'. If you keep getting to a certain number and are unable to pass it, there is a bigger reason. There is a mental block to going lower. You are going to have to figure out why.

You need to understand why before you will ever lose the weight. If you understand why...that is the first step in fighting back. The very first step in reclaiming your life. Understanding why is the key to unlocking the mystery. You have to understand it, and then face it...and then resolve it.

My fat was a combination of physical, sexual and mental abuse as a child.
I wanted to A.) protect myself by being 'too big' to harm. B.) Making myself as physically unattractive as possible to ward off any sexual interest and C.) It was a middle finger to the world, a way of saying "I don't care what you think, I am not here to decorate your world."
Except that I did care, I was miserable fat, and I was miserable thin.

Once you understand what your fat does for you, then you need to ask yourself "Why do I want to be thin?" IF you don't know why, then you have no reason to really obtain that goal. You will quit halfway through, because your reasons for being fat, the pleasure of food, the protection it gives you, will always outway something you are doing for no real reason at all.
I know my answer, do you know yours...
quick clue....if it's to look good for the ten year class reunion in the next six months...red flag. If it's to save your marriage...red flag. If it's so you can be loveable....red flag. If it's because you think being thin is going to make you happy, I have a newsflash. It won't.
Tommorrow is part two. Good reasons to be healthy, to be fit....and how to really get there. I know some of you out there are thinking, what is this chick talking about...she's only lost 44 lbs. How can she know that this time is the final time. I will tell you, tomorrow, how and why I know.
God bless,
Chris

over the top and under the bus...

Well, Tomorrow I am going to blog about dieting, and dieting and dieting until you just can't diet anymore. Until you just want it to end. You can't spell diet without die.
But today, someone was kind enough to think of me when they thought of the 'over the top' award. I am not sure what the 'over the top' award is supposed to stand for. But given my new way of thinking, I will assume it's something really good and move on. I actually worked on this last night. So here goes,

1. Where is your cell phone? non-existent
2. Your hair? greying
3. Your mother? Michigan
4. Your father? unknown
5. Your favorite food? mexican
6. Your dream last night? bizarre
7. Your favorite drink? coffee
8. Your dream/goal? 128
9. What room are you in? bedroom
10. Your hobby? drawing
11. Your fear? mediocrity
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? alive
13. Where were you last night? gettingDaughterfromhomecomingi'm.so.old.
14. Something that you aren't? Subtle
15. Muffins? Nope
16. Wish list item? Spain
17. Where did you grow up? podunksvilletown
18. Last thing you did? Bloggery
19. What are you wearing?tinkerbell pjs
20. Your TV? Cheap
21.Your pets?two
22. Friends? Several
23. Your life? Busy
24. Your mood? impish
25. Missing someone? with every bullet (I am keeping this one...thanks fitcetra*)
26. Vehicle? used
27. Something you’re not wearing? thong
28. Your favorite store? Walmart
29. Your favorite color? Delft blue
30. When was the last time you laughed? Karen's blog #25
31. Last time you cried? Rascal Flatts song called "Why?"
32. Your best friend? God
33. One place that I go to over and over? The Past
34. One person who emails me regularly? extenz....
35. Favorite place to eat? Carabbas

Well that was that....
I am not going to tap five million people, cause I already did that....
I am sending this to Jack Sh*t-because I think he has topped out on song rewrites and I want to see what he does with this....he's a pretty witty fellow.
(not priddy widdy, although he may be, I just don't know)
anywho.
I will also send this along to joania and that fellow from south dakota (I pull 400 watts), thats for running 31 miles...if anything is over the top, it's that.
Went to the gym, Did one kick butt hour on Christian. I burned 515 calories and a few brain cells, then did my usual sit ups and push ups. Quick question. If its a large mat, like 8x8, do you share or do you wait for the other person to get up? I waited.

I wore my "Do or Do Not, there is no try" t-shirt. I could feel people trying to read it. It was the only clean t-shirt, I usually just wear it on my walks, *see a few posts back for my walk* It is in 3 inch letters on my back and the TRY is over my rear end.

Luckily I have a wide load, it makes it easier to read. Hope everyone is OTK and doing fine.
I will be writing a 'serious' post tomorrow. Not sure if that's an invite or a warning.
Hugs,
chris

must..stay..away...from...scale....

Hello,
It is getting harder and harder to stay away from the scale. It's calling me...
Chrissssss...Chrrrriiiiiiiiiiissssssssssss......CHRIS!!!!

I 'feel' like I am losing weight, but without the magical pound device.....I just don't know. Strangely enough, it's almost having the same effect as weighing daily. This is nuts. I know there are sooome who weigh 'once a week'. (what a nutty little idea )
I don't think it matters though. I am crazy.
I could weigh once a week, once a month or once a year. It's obvious I am going to obsess one way or another. Maybe I am just afraid that I might go off track. You know, like your supposed to be headed to florida and you end up in Alaska. What if I am sleep eating (I don't really believe that)
I am not sleep eating. I am not overeating. I am eating my regular calories and exercising and I am probably three to five pounds lighter than when I had this insane idea to not weigh myself for a month. October 18th can't come fast enough.
I just found this new blog which is really awesome...
It's Joania's blog and you can find it on my blog roll to the right. She just ran a 5 k. I am impressed cause she is in her 190's. It's really given me alot of inspiration to try things that I think I'm too 'big' for. (as if I am king kong or something)...
Watch out, fat lady running....hide the children.
anyway....stream of consciousness....not so good. I had a really nice walk today. Three miles. It got a little chilly at the end it must have dropped 30 degrees in twenty minutes. I was wearing a t shirt. As much as I do like the out of doors, I may have to give it up for a few months and head to the gym. Just think, weird gym guy six days a week and that strange smell that's part sweat, part hot rubber.
I already have dreams that involve bad flourescent ambient lighting.
Speaking of strange gym phenomena. I am on Christian (my precor is named after Christian bale, hey if carlos has a lucy....I can have Christian...this will be the only time I'm ever on him)....so, I am on Christian and there is this guy who is three rows up on his recumbant bike. Dude is sweating so hard I thought his water bottle was leaking. Nope, it's coming off his arms and leaving PUDDLES. Worst part of this story, yep, you guessed it...he DIDN'T WIPE HIS SWEAT UP WHEN HE LEFT.
Gross out in 3...2...1....
That was nasty.
I will never drop anything in the gym without washing it ever again.
Hope all is well with you guys...
hugs,
chris

This is me NOW...

Hello everybody in blogland,

I just got finished watching a Hannah MOntana movie. It was cute. And, it actually ties in with something I was thinking of earlier after reading sean's post (a daily diary of a winning loser) today. He said that sometimes his determination and drive makes him SEEM less loving than he really is.

I know what he means, and maybe some of you do too. You see, I used to think taking an hour at the gym would be 'stripping' my family of valuable time in which I could be doing a number of things. Things like:

Cleaning
grocery shopping
picking up various messes
driving them to some lesson
watching a program with them
making Them a snack.
planning a party
running to the store at the last minute...

Everything was more important than my health.
I put my health at the bottom of the priority list for so long, that when I looked up my 20's were gone and so were half my 30's. I was 5ft. 3 inches tall and 262 lbs. When I lay down at night, I could barely swallow and my heart would stall and race. My back hurt, my hips hurt, and my feet hurt.
When I would get up in the morning, pain would just shoot through my heels and I would hobble around until it was bearable.
As I wrote once before, My turning point started in a build a bear workshop...I was standing there waiting for my youngest to pick out an outfit when I looked up and saw a fat, uncomfortable woman standing across the room. It was a mirror facing me.
Then I realized it was me. I was the fat, uncomfortable woman in the room.
I wasn't 'pleasantly plump', or comfortable looking. I wasn't even 'matronly'.
I was fat and sloppy.
That's when I realized that I was SICK AND TIRED of being the fat one. I was sick and tired of feeling 80, when I was only 35.
I deserved better. That's right....let me say it again.
I...I....I...I...I...I...I...I...I...I
I know some fat people never cared about others and only cared about themselves.
However, I think a lot of fat women tend to prioritize themselves underneath the family pets. Even the cat comes before you....
Well honey, sometimes you have to realize that if you don't put yourself on the list, it ain't never going to happen. So I did.
Each day I say..."Time for my walk" or "I am headed to the gym".
I don't take the kids...now some may say...oh that's terrible...this is a great time for family fitness.
Except that it isn't. It's a stroll that does nothing to raise the heart rate, or drop the pounds. I know, I did it for years. Strollers and walks to the park. IT DOESN'T CUT IT. You have to get in there and work out hard. If you want to take another walk later, you can....but you have got to devote yourself to really working out. I used to think that the women who went to the gym were selfish...
I WAS WRONG.
I was actually being selfish...you know why. I had no energy to do anything once we got there. I couldn't run and play, cause I was TOO FAT. Now, when I do take my kids to the park, I am right there with them. Playing. I want to get out and do more because I am not HALF DEAD.
People might try to make you feel bad or guilty about taking an hour to an hour and a half a day just for you, let me tell you something. People who do that don't care about you. They care about themselves and their perception of right and wrong. You have got to take your own life in your own hands and make it what you want.
When someone says "You aren't acting like yourself".
You say "This is me now."
That's it, no explanations necessary.
God bless and Hugs,
Chris

Old New Pants

Hey,
You know how all us 'big boned' types have pants that we passed on our way to our current size, right? Well, I have a special propensity for buying 'goal pants'.
Everytime I wanted to lose weight in the past, I would buy pants that were too small, cause I would be in them soon enough. Well, the last time I tried to lose weight was the 2005/2006 time frame. I went down to around 219 or so if i remember correctly. At that time, around 229 or so, I bought a pair of workout pants one size too small. I never quite got into them. Oh I could pull them up to my hips, but no further and they were tiiiiiiight. Well, I thought for sh*ts and giggles, I would attempt to don these pair of old navy 1x sweat pants. I thought "what the Hey, lets give her a go to see how far I am from them fitting. I pulled them all the way up and can even bend and breath. They aren't the most attractive pants in the world, I look quite tubby in fact. But they fit, my old new goal pants fit. Hows that. That means in all my dieting quests thus far, I have gotten farther than I have ever gotten since 2001. I am the lowest weight since 2001. Pretty good. Like I wrote in an earlier post. 210 was my highest pregnancy weight with my youngest, 190 my starting weight. 179, My highest weight in germany...156 my lowest. I was 138 when I met my husband. I plan to be 132 someday. I will be.
I went to the gym, I did my precor efx. I had to have the resistance on 3 and the elevation on 3 to get my heart rate up to the 130's. I burned 480 calories. I consumed 1600 calories today.
My next weigh in is October 18th. In some ways this is easier and in some ways this is hard. NO official weight for a month is a bit strange, but it allows me to not get so caught up in the time issue. I don't feel so pressured. I can just do what I am supposed to do.
Hope everyone is on program.
hugs,
Chris

Cold and cancer....

What is the deal with the cold. I think it's 29 degrees outside tonight. I must be getting old because the thought of winter is putting me in a foul mood. Must be Global Warming...ugh.

Back otk today. Ate 1400 calories and walked 3.5 miles. I have so much crap on my plate I don't have time to think. Have to go shopping for a dress for my oldest tomorrow. It's homecoming. She is going with the same group of friends as last year. I also need to register my vehicle and blah blah blah....

I didn't have much to eat in the way of variety cause I need to go grocery shopping. I have to pay bills. I think I will crawl under my bed and ignore the world...anyone with me.

For some reason I can't change my music. It is really starting to feel like ground hog day on this blog. I am thinking about erasing the playlist and just starting over with it.

I am going to the gym tomorrow night. It's dead on the weekends and so it is perfect for me. Hello my name is crabby mcrabsalot and I run a blog.

So much for positivity....

oh I was supposed to blog about how cancer has affected me or someone in my family.

So here goes.

My mom had uterine cancer when she was pregnant with my little brother. She was so skinny that she didn't even know she was pregnant until she felt something move down there. She went to the doctor and found out she was almost 7 months along and she had uterine cancer. The doctor tried to convince her to have an abortion, he who shall not be named tried to talk her into having an abortion....everyone said it would be 'for the best'. She said she had already gone seven months not even knowing, what was two more months.

She carried him full term, when he popped out he had jaundice, a club foot but he was alive.

He turned out to be a ball of sunshine. He is a people person, he was our baby. If my mom had chosen to give into fear, to abort him, we never would have known him. My mom never took us to church, me and my little brother went on our own. But, that was the most faith filled act I have ever witnessed. It spoke more about faith and her deep down faith in God, than anything else I have ever seen. It also taught me what true courage was.

, Duane (our ball of sunshine)

Hope everyone is OTK,

Hugs,

Chris

pretty woman

hey all,
Well,
Did my girl scout thing tonight with the kids. I think I might be settling in, then again...one of my more challenging girls wasn't there tonight...I had three missing. But five were there. We did our pledge (all the girls know it including my two daisy's) I was so impressed cause my daisys are in kindergarten. We did a 'friend book' and talked about our friends, old and new. It was really nice. We also practiced signing our ABC's. Tonight was the first night I really felt like I had my feet under me. If you know what I mean.
I also went out and rented a couple of movies tonight. My husband and I watched Valkyrie, and while it was a good movie...I found it really difficult to muster up sympathy for a Nazi fighting Nazis. *spoiler alert....if you care to watch this movie do not read the next sentence*I did shed a tear when they shot the guy, but honestly, it was more for his kids.

I also rented pretty woman. I don't know how many of you have teenagers, but you reach a point in popular culture when you are talking about a movie and your teenager says "What movie is that?"
Then you are forced ;o) to go out and rent this movie so they know what you are talking about. I rented pretty woman tonight. While there were a few moments in there that made me squirm a bit (not the condom scene, but the piano scene was awkward) . Kate thought this was funny as apparently she watched some vampire movie that was WAY WORSE on the Internet....(Good heads up Kate, Just wait till we install the filter)...
By the end of the movie it was; Does she leave him? Do they end up together?
A good move is a good movie in any decade.
BY the way She hasn't seen Dirty dancing, Grease, and numerous other movies.
I still remember renting All the presidents men (one of my favorite movies and books) and watching it with Kate, and then telling her when it was over that it was a true story. That was priceless.
Dieting front, a wash...it was a high calorie day on purpose, 2200 calories and absolutely no exercise. So maintenance calories, maintenance movement and a nice bowl of popcorn. Tomorrow it is back OTK and back to the gym.
Nice exercise and diet post tomorrow.
Hugs,
Chris