A note to my abusive "father"

As far as notes go...this will be a strange one.
It's a thank you note...not a sarcastic thank you...but a real thank you.
First I want to thank you for inadvertantly leading me to God.
You weren't the only reason...but you were a part of the reason.
I still remember reading in church, that God was a father to the fatherless.
And what more perfect or unblemished father can there be.
Thank you for teaching me patience....every time you yelled, or slapped or beat.
It was out of uncontrollable rage. 
I learned, watching you, how pathetic it looks.
How poisonous it is to a child's soul...
I keep it in mind when my children made mistakes...that it wasnt the end of the world, just a mistake.
It taught me the importance of listening, of seeing someone as a wholly separate person. 
A person who should have the inalienable right to be free of coercion and fear.
That a child is not a thing to be controlled or crushed into submission.
They are to be raised with the knowledge that they are loved and valued and they determine their steps.
 I am simply here to guide and facilitate.
And over the last five years, I have learned that all those things I hold as true in child raising...hold true for me as well.
Your abuse taught me compassion for those who are weak or can't defend themselves...
it also taught me to be silent and observe. 
Because so much that I wanted to express was forbidden.
I also learned in my silence that a truth was a truth whether expressed or not.
And the one thing that angers a coward is truth.
It also scares a coward...
And that's what you were, a coward.
You felt out of control and worthless, and tried to make me feel the same...
And I learned, in my stillness and quiet and my faith, that you could not take the essence of me unless I let you.
And I did not.
I learned I was tough and not easily broken.
Like a little acorn...I kept all my truth and beauty inside...because with  some people (you) and in some places..it isn't safe to sprout.
It's only in the last two years that I learned to let my freak flag fly...with people I cherish and respect.
And finally, when my mother left you...I learned what the spirit felt when it is let out of a cage...
I have learned that my truth isn't less true just because I don't share it with everyone. 
Not every person is worthy.
Your sudden switches in temperament and disposition taught me to 'read a room'...I can spot tension from a dozen paces. 
It made me a keen observer of human behaviour.
Which has probably saved my bacon more times than I can count.
My childhood caused me to read more books on psychological motivation, situational ethics, criminal and violent tendencies and the like...
Had I had a normal childhood, I highly doubt these subjects would have topped my reading list.
But more than all of that, your abuse made me want to stop it in the only way it can be stopped...by never starting. 
By training young women how to think and set boundaries, both physical and mental...
So that abusers run when confronted...because the manipulation and lies don't work straight out of the gate.
So thank you...
For teaching me that fear is bullshit.
It's the wizard behind the curtain..
Whether it's fear of a person, in my case, an ineffectual man-child.
Who can be defeated by pulling back the curtain and exposing him to the light...
A hollow man.
Or a truth unexpressed.
Or an idea that isn't popular.
Or a dream that seems impossible
Fear is bullshit.

Now you have served your full purpose in my life. 
I understand it all..and I would not be who I am now, if not for what I went through then. 
I forgive and forget you.
But, just so you know...
My drive, strength and determination..my inner warrior.
All me baby.
Chris out.


Richard said...

Great message Christine... thank you for sharing.

About fear, I read from Zig Zigglar that fear is False Evidence Appearing Real, or like you said bullshit!

katie said...

So well said. My father - the same behavior. Me? I never let him invade my head space. He knew it. My victory.

On Her Way said...
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jo said...

Wow. You go, girl. You are so damned wise, smart and awesome.