Right now I am going to tell you about a moment I had...
It was about 6 months before I decided to do what I could to be healthy...
It was a moment that was very painful.
My husband and I had a very honest discussion about weight.
(This is not put on here as an opportunity to take pot shots at my hubby...he was being honest in a way a lot of men never are..)
He said He was having a hard time seeing past my weight and he didn't find me attractive.
He would never have said it if I hadn't pushed...and those of you who know me irl know I am a persistent bugger. (my nickname amongst my husband and children...the badger...nuff said)
He said it, I cried.
But I was strangely relieved to have it out in the open.
I don't like the murky beneath.
Rip that sucker off and let the puss out.
The thing is...even though he said that, I knew he would never cheat...He loved me.
He is a good man.
So it went ring round in my head...I will always be fat, and he will always be with a wife he doesn't find attractive.
He said alot of positive things about me...that I was hard working, and practical and honest, and moral and a good friend, and all that.
(in my mind "like a plowhorse' was a thought that popped up)
But that isn't what a wife wants to hear from her husband...
So that night I went upstairs and got on the 600 dollar treadmill that was a relic from a past weight loss attempt...
I got three minutes in and simply quit.
I started crying so hard I couldn't stand up.
And I knew I would always be fat.
I felt that to my very soul.
That I was too tired to make it.
I took every article of clothing from my treck up the scale...the old 9's and 10's...the 11's, 12's, and 14's...(there were no 16's and 18's).....
And I gave them all to goodwill.
I gave up.
December 2008...if you would have met me, I would have said "color me fat."
I decided to work on being happy..
on asserting myself.
On respecting myself right where I was.
And It worked pretty well..
Because 5 months later my brain was open to recieve a much needed message.
I am too smart to be this fat.
I deserve better.
I deserve to be healthy.
I had to get my mind right.
Accept who I was..
And that someone was not my fat...my fat was my unwelcome visitor...
I had to like who I REALLY was enough to feel that I deserved the time and effort and inconvenience it would be, and say 'screw it'...I am going to make me healthy ...
and then I could move.
At that point...I didn't care who thought I was or wasn't attractive.
I was doing it for me.
I wanted to prove to ME that I had as much stamina as bambi in the mall in her size 2 dress, looking down her twitchy nose at me while I sucked on my starbucks.
If a shallow twit could pull off skinny...then a thinking person can.
I knew it was a mind game.
I knew that my previous attempts were all about five months from now..
YOu know what you do..
five months from now I will be a size ____.
A year from now I will be skinny!
I knew that I couldn't do that.
Because we live in Today.....And five months from for a food addict, under constant temptation....
It doesn't work.
I also knew stepping on a scale right then would simply plow me under...so I waited.
I threw away that coffee right then.
Went home, prayed..
Got up the next day and set a simple calorie cap..
And took a 1 mile walk.
I weighed in two weeks later at 262.4 lbs.
and it still nearly threw me...
But I said "you don't do it now...and you will be 362 a year from now".
So I said 1 day at a time.
1 pound at a time.
Who can do 130 lbs!
Who can do 1 lb.
Who can do a year of this?!
Who can do one day?
One day one day one day one day one day...
And then you look back, and it's been 600 days.
one pound one pound one pound one pound...
and you look back and it's one hundred pounds.
And one day your husband looks at you and says
"You look pretty'...and while that isn't what you do it for...it feels good.
Because you want to...
And you look down at the body you thought would always be fat and feel sick and realize...
I did it.
This isn't a dream...the dream you have as you sit on your bed wondering what it is like to be thin...
because you CAN cross your legs....tie your shoes...walk 5 miles...turn some heads.
It's never too late as long as you have a today.