Right now I am going to tell you about a moment I had...
It was about 6 months before I decided to do what I could to be healthy...
It was a moment that was very painful.
My husband and I had a very honest discussion about weight.
(This is not put on here as an opportunity to take pot shots at my hubby...he was being honest in a way a lot of men never are..)
He said He was having a hard time seeing past my weight and he didn't find me attractive.
He would never have said it if I hadn't pushed...and those of you who know me irl know I am a persistent bugger. (my nickname amongst my husband and children...the badger...nuff said)
He said it, I cried.
But I was strangely relieved to have it out in the open.
I don't like the murky beneath.
Rip that sucker off and let the puss out.
The thing is...even though he said that, I knew he would never cheat...He loved me.
He is a good man.
So it went ring round in my head...I will always be fat, and he will always be with a wife he doesn't find attractive.
He said alot of positive things about me...that I was hard working, and practical and honest, and moral and a good friend, and all that.
(in my mind "like a plowhorse' was a thought that popped up)
But that isn't what a wife wants to hear from her husband...
So that night I went upstairs and got on the 600 dollar treadmill that was a relic from a past weight loss attempt...
I got three minutes in and simply quit.
I started crying so hard I couldn't stand up.
And I knew I would always be fat.
I felt that to my very soul.
That I was too tired to make it.
I took every article of clothing from my treck up the scale...the old 9's and 10's...the 11's, 12's, and 14's...(there were no 16's and 18's).....
And I gave them all to goodwill.
I gave up.
flat out.
December 2008...if you would have met me, I would have said "color me fat."
I decided to work on being happy..
on asserting myself.
On respecting myself right where I was.
And It worked pretty well..
Because 5 months later my brain was open to recieve a much needed message.
That message.
I am too smart to be this fat.
I deserve better.
I deserve to be healthy.
I had to get my mind right.
Accept who I was..
And that someone was not my fat...my fat was my unwelcome visitor...
A symptom.
Not me.
I had to like who I REALLY was enough to feel that I deserved the time and effort and inconvenience it would be, and say 'screw it'...I am going to make me healthy ...
and then I could move.
At that point...I didn't care who thought I was or wasn't attractive.
I was doing it for me.
I wanted to prove to ME that I had as much stamina as bambi in the mall in her size 2 dress, looking down her twitchy nose at me while I sucked on my starbucks.
If a shallow twit could pull off skinny...then a thinking person can.
I knew it was a mind game.
I knew that my previous attempts were all about five months from now..
YOu know what you do..
five months from now I will be a size ____.
A year from now I will be skinny!
I knew that I couldn't do that.
Because we live in Today.....And five months from for a food addict, under constant temptation....
It doesn't work.
I also knew stepping on a scale right then would simply plow me under...so I waited.
I threw away that coffee right then.
Went home, prayed..
Got up the next day and set a simple calorie cap..
And took a 1 mile walk.
I weighed in two weeks later at 262.4 lbs.
and it still nearly threw me...
But I said "you don't do it now...and you will be 362 a year from now".
So I said 1 day at a time.
1 pound at a time.
Who can do 130 lbs!
NOBODY.
Who can do 1 lb.
EVERYBODY!
Who can do a year of this?!
NOBODY.
Who can do one day?
EVERYBODY.
One day one day one day one day one day...
And then you look back, and it's been 600 days.
one pound one pound one pound one pound...
and you look back and it's one hundred pounds.
And one day your husband looks at you and says
"You look pretty'...and while that isn't what you do it for...it feels good.
Because you want to...
And you look down at the body you thought would always be fat and feel sick and realize...
I did it.
This isn't a dream...the dream you have as you sit on your bed wondering what it is like to be thin...
because you CAN cross your legs....tie your shoes...walk 5 miles...turn some heads.
It's never too late as long as you have a today.
Hugs,
Chris
17 comments:
Ah yes... our sweeties and their honesty. One day a few years ago, we were looking at our wedding album and he stopped turning pages and stared... then said: Oh... I forgot what a cute face you used to have."
My oblivious sweetie meant it as a compliment. That night I cried when I was alone. But like you... it helped me face reality. So I'm glad he said it.
Thanks for this... especially about accepting and respecting myself, and getting my mind right.
I wish I had "gotten it" as fast as you did. It took me years! But... I admit it, I look forward to that day when my hubby gives me a compliment. I am doing this for ME. But yeah, that compliment would be kinda nice, too. :-)
This post rings so much truth. Too many times the people who abandon their journeys try to come back months later only to see others who have succeeded and they say "that could have been me".. days and months go by so fast that it does add up in the end. Congrats on how far you've come, everyone should read this!
I remember you mentioning that comment by your husband a few posts back.
It was in the context that you got to say something to him that you'd been waiting to say ever since he said that "can't see beyond your weight comment" to you. So he'd see how it feels.
There's a different attitude towards him and that comment in this post. I find that curious.
Deb
Poignant, but very powerful post. It's so hard to acknowledge that the "elephant in the room" belongs not only to us, but to our spouses and children. They also have to live with our obesity and all of the resulting issues, probably as unwillingly as we do. I'm so happy that you found the strength to do what you needed to do. It's very inspirational, and your honesty makes it even more so. Thanks for sharing this experience.
@ deb, after I threw the comment at him, we had a good talk about it. He did say good things the night he said it..but the comment stung nonetheless. I guess you could file it under "getting to comment back isn't nearly as satisfying as it seems'. We were talking tonight (my hubby and I) and sometimes it is good to look back on things from a different perspective. The perspective being the whole. And the whole of it is this...My husband and I have been on quite a journey and there are many facets to any specific experience. The hurtful and helpful. A lot of times we can't see the helpful in the hurt. That experience was both.
You are amazingly honest and your willingness to share is like a gift. Truly.
While you and I share many types of hurts, this is one that I cannot imagine. And the fact that you turned this to the good- unbelievable.
No one ever said anything to me directly and even I did not acknowledge that there was a growing problem about to become out of control. My issues with food really are rooted in emotion, not so much addiction. If I face my stuff I don't tend to stuff my face, but sometimes that is nearly impossible it seems. Some emotional issues have had me literally running for food.
I do recall the one time that a friend of mine joked about how we are all fat and I realized he included me in that. I guess I had felt that if I never got too, too fat it didn't matter. I was only fooling myself. And even that comment still rings in my head on occasion.
Again, I cannot imagine how you dealt with this and I thank you for your bravery in sharing.
@ yellow rose, like deb said...part of me held on to it and waited till I could swing for the bleachers..but you know, after that night...I realized that knowing the truth is a pretty good impetus for weight loss. It's alot like getting naked and looking in the mirror..seeing your reflection shining back at you...only the mirror is someone else's perception. While that isn't a good reason to lose weight, it is a clarifier. What really happened there was it showed me how many times in the past I had tried to lose weight for every reason but the reason I should be losing weight. When I hopped on that treadmill, I was doing it for my husband. And i just couldn't....When I started losing weight 5 months later, I was doing it for me. And while all the kudos and congratulations are nice...it doesn't touch what I feel about me. BEcause that is solid now. I think that comment was the impetus for me to stop trying to be everything to everyone...and be something to myself instead. And that parting shot at my husband felt good in the moment...but then I realized more than anything that I wanted him to be healthy, not ashamed. Lord, this could be another blog post. lol. Thanks for your comment.
Oh, the similarities to my own life. You start the weight loss journey for others and not truly for yourself. I think that's why a person has so many false starts. You need to do it for only you and no other reason. It may take a minute or years to reach this point, but after the rest seems to fall in place.
You did a wonderful job with this post.
Great post. It's those type of moments that you need to remember to keep fighting.
LOVE this Chris. LOVE this.
What you said about needing to work on being happy and asserting yourself first is so true for so many of us. I used to say "If I could get to a size 12, I would be so happy." Well now I'm a size 12, and I say "If I could get into the single digits, I would be happy." If our happiness is wrapped up in what we look like, we will never be happy. It is something I am working on, loving myself as a person as I am so that I can be free to truly be the healthiest version of myself, rather than fighting to find happiness in what I look like. It should be about who I am, not what I am.
You made me cry Christine, some days you look in the mirror and still see you want to go further but boy does it feel wonderful on those days you can look in the mirror and see "man I made it" :) I want all my days to be those days. *big hug* I love your words and the person you are, so very glad to know you.
I love this. I wrote a post today about how I'm not trying to lose 40 pounds, I'm trying to lose 1 pound, and then another, and another. It has taken me 15 years to figure out that it doesn't have to be nearly as complicated as I thought it was. And even if we desperately want to lose weight for someone else, until we make peace with it ourselves, losing for someone else just isn't going to get you through the tough stuff.
So glad you wrote this today. :)
Awesome post, as always. If you're breathing it's not too late! I needed a reminder. Thanks
drying the tears from my eyes, thank you for sharing and encouraging.
Chris,
I found your blog via James (I visited him today for the first time).
Reading your blog brought so much inspiration and light into my heart.
You are so brave, so strong and so open to share your story and to have accomplished what you have.
Thank you for sharing your journey. You look amazing, and even more important, I’m sure you FEEL amazing ~~ both inside and out.
All the best to you in your journey.
xoxo
I also love this post! I think we forget sometimes that you also had stops and starts before you got going for real. And it's good to know that.
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