Your mind got you fat

Food didn't get you fat.
Your brain got you fat.
Food can't up and stuff itself in your face..
only you can do that.
or I should say...
only I could do that.
Using food as a means to an end other than sustenance...
well,
that's what got me fat.
And the most amazing thing was how I had convinced myself that I had no control over the issue.
I mean,
I literally had given up.
I remember vividly, after having an argument with my husband.
Hopping on a treadmill
and one minute in just crying..
literally..
I began to weep.
I said "I just can't.'
I was totally defeated...
mind, body and spirit.
At that moment I CHOSE FAILURE.
I didn't realize I was choosing it.
But I was.
Then one day I woke up from my stupor and chose to do a few things.
I didn't bother wondering if I could or couldn't.
I knew a few things.
I knew the food couldn't hop into my face unless I put it in..
But I HAD TO BE CONSISTENT.
And I had to make exercise a part of my life
consistency is a pain in the ass...
The first two years it consumed me..
then I realized I couldn't live like THAT for the rest of my life.
I knew I had to start living life...
I had to learn MODERATION.
moderation is a pain in the ass.
it's a learned skill.
Learning that you need to eat enough...but not too much.
Learning to exercise, but not kill yourself.
Learning to live your life..and have an occasional indulgence..
and not slip back.
Learning to have one cookie.
Learning to compartmentalize your life.
Learning to be happy..
Learning how to express your emotions, but not overwhelm others with them...
Learning that being skinny doesn't make you happy..ONLY YOU CAN DO THAT.
fat is a symptom.
The cure is a lot of work.
But it's doable.
And it's an ongoing project.
Chris out.

On the occasion of my 39th birthday.

Hello all,
Here I am..today was my birthday..
I am 39.
I have three goals for my 39th year.
The first is to get to my healthy weight..
which according to bmi charts is 141 lbs.
Anything beyond this, I have discovered..I don't really give a rip about. LOL
I just want to be strong and healthy...

number 2
I aim to say and act the way I would act if I knew this was my last year of life.
That is..I am going to say the things to others that people say when they are on their death beds.
Why wait?
As I have discovered over the last 39 years.
You think you have all the time in the world.
And then you don't.
This last year..I watched an 8 year old little girl fight cancer for the last time.
Daisy died a while back.
But I was so upset I couldn't even write about it.
That is what happens when I grieve.
I go inside myself.
Knowing yourself is important.
Knowing that each and every one of us is terminal?
also important.
Don't dick around.
While people are here...love them.
What good does a trip to a funeral do?
It's better to visit them before they die..
than show up at the funeral.
It's  better to tell the people you love how much you love them.
Not their casket.

Number 3
Really finding myself artistically.
Not sure what that looks like other than a lot of drawing and painting etc.
Letting go and moving on after I have completed something.
It's important.
I have sold two drawings and I only have 15. lol
I think I need to do quick sketches more.
So it's living authentically and out loud....honoring my body by feeding it properly so it attains it's  healthy weight...exercising to add life to my days and expressing my vision of the world through my art.

So in the spirit of saying exactly what I feel...thank you to the people who stumbled across my blog over the last three and a half years. Thank you to the people who have encouraged me and been there for me.
I suck at being consistant sometimes...but that's me...my writing comes in waves..I don't think this journey would have been as healing as it has been if I hadn't had people to bounce ideas off...if you hadn't handed me snippets of your life to learn from..I am grateful.
Love,
Chris

pictures of my art...

The basket and bananas were fun...the cutie not so much.

Above is a study of a birch..while I drew this at barnes and noble I overheard a conversation about conspiracy theories...I don't know what it is about drawing...but after a while you seem to disappear and people say the darndest things.

okay...those look crazy just uploaded...lol...some of my art I've been working on..just thought I would post it.  Whatever anything else may look like...the orange was the most difficult thing to draw...the first picture was a basket of bananas..and I had two cuties sitting at the bottom. I never thought about an orange before..or how to draw one...by the time I was done..I had managed to draw two orange lumps of indecipherable nothing. I cut them off the bottom of my picture..what you see there was the end result of three days of trying to draw a realistic orange...or in that case...realistic cutie.  To draw an orange... Use textured paper with dots...make all your lines curvilinear...follow the shape of the orange in a verticle manner with the lines curving in at the end...leave the highlights bare.  Underpaint with the complimentary for the shadow...so for orange...blue...and note that oranges have hints of green...do tonal till the end and then use lines for definition.  This week was texture...the next week or two will focus on perspective...also known as the bane of my existence.

Tomorrow will be my week in review on the eating and exercise front...

Chris out.

Why you should lose the extra weight: Part 1

To live life more fully.

I can't even begin to tell you the difference that eating less and moving more has made in my life.
It has turned me into a new person.
I used to be so concerned with all I wasn't or didn't have..
I used to think spending time on myself was selfish and wrong..
but in reality I was teaching my daughters to disregard their own dreams and their own health.
Your kids learn from you.

And they depend on you...not just for food, clothing and shelter..
but to learn how to be in the world.
I was so closed off and isolated...
I taught my oldest to be closed off as well.
While I was dropping the weight...
I went about unclenching as well.
I stopped fearing every shadow.
I decided to step out and embrace life.
And the more confidence I have that I can handle anything that comes my way.
The more confidence my kids have as well.
It's made a world of difference.
My oldest is learning to not fear new people or experiences..
and all of us are learning how to think positively.
How to try new things.
Meet new people.
commit to things without the fear of being rejected..or not fitting in..
because if we don't fit,
there is always somewhere else we will.
When I was obese..
I didn't like to leave my house.
Now I am at the gym...and working out nearly every day.
Because I love it..and I love to tell people about it.
Because it isn't just about being thin.
It's about being healthy.
And happy..
and living a life you don't want to run away from.
It's possible.
I am setting out goals for the next 9 months.
My knee is nearly healed so I can resume my self defense classes..
I am drawing three to four days a week.
I am homeschooling my youngest.
I am busy..
and happy.
I hope you all are too.
Enjoy the ride.
Chris out.

p.s. Thought I would add a relatively recent pic for those of you wondering if I had packed on the pounds lol!

Be prepared to be criticized

I know you all don't want to hear this..
but there is a down side to success.
Right now, you have molded friendships on your current state of being.
Changing that up is going to kick up dust....
As they say "You don't kick a dead Horse."
Up till now, you may not have experienced any criticism.
I didn't really experience it..
It isn't til you start putting yourself out there, that you open yourself up to criticism.
You will have a lot of resistance.
And even after..or especially after...you reach your goal.
You will have weak and bitter people who will attempt to pull you down.
or will get angry or jealous.
They may accuse YOU of having issues..
Take my mom..
she lost weight recently.
And she had a 'friend' tell her..
'you know, when you tell me about losing weight...it makes me feel bad.'
but when this same friend went on to lose 10 pounds...she wanted affirmation.
Yet, all the while my mom tried to lose weight..
this girl would make snarky comments about my mom's breasts getting smaller..
about how too much weight loss would make  her look older.
and how she was starting to look saggy.
Now, my mom is 60 and so a little sag is inevitable..
but she is not saggy.
...
but you see the issue.
It will be that way with anything you endeavor to do...
You will have people who are supportive.
And people who, for whatever reason, are terribly unhappy with themselves, so they take it out on you..
it can be as subtle as never asking about the one thing you find important in your life...
or giving backhanded compliments. i.e.  (Don't get too skinny, you will slip down a drain...you are starting to look scrawny OR Boy your husband must be glad you are finally losing the weight.)
or rolling their eyes whenever you mention what you are doing...even after you give them the courtesy of  listening to what is most important to them.
You can try waiting it out...sometimes people get over it.
Or you can move on and find friends who will be supportive..
It really depends on how bad it is..how long you've been friends etc.
Sometimes it's family.
In that case, a boot up the @ss may do the trick.
But if you really want whatever it is  you are aiming for...
Don't let the small people win.
Don't let others keep you small.
You can limit yourself for the benefit of others...but you only get one life..
Do you really want to get to the end of it and know you quit on yourself so another person wouldn't have to face their own shortcomings?
That doesn't sound good.
I know I don't.
Take yourself and your dreams seriously.
Don't talk down about them or yourself.
Give your ideas equal time...your goals equal weight.
So what if it is only important to you.
You matter.
Dream big.
Live big.
Chris out.