The power of focus...turning weakness into strength.

Hey all,
Well, I took a walk today and ate well. Higher than my usual number of cals.
Tomorrow it's back to writing it all down. I came in at 1700.
With my 4 mile walk that is maintenance for a 130 lb woman..so not too bad.
But I would like to knock about 200 calories off that total.
To do that, writing down every last thing I eat helps me to....

FOCUS

The power of focus,or the intense concentration on an object or goal...
It is critical when you reach this stage of the game.

I feel fantastic.
I am not tired.
I feel pretty.
I am pursuing my goals and my hobbies.
I am enjoying my family.
Before I had the constant pain and humiliation to motivate me...
Now,
Not a whole lot is missing in this equation.
But I am still technically overweight.
You may wonder why I still want to get to goal if I feel so good.

To say I did it.
I want to finish it.
So, now I need to focus.
On the numbers-daily...not the scale until I am sure I am past a certain point.
I have a pair of size 6 goal pants hanging on the wall.
When I can put them on and zip them up without damaging internal organs,
then I will weigh.

I have always had good focus when I set out to achieve something.
Better than average actually.
I will tell you why.
When I was 5 my mom took me to the doctor because I was exhibiting funny symptoms.
I would sometimes space out.
I would get 'overexcited' and then stand in the middle of the room and rock and wiggle my hands.
When I would get like that, nobody could get through to me.
So, she took me to a doctor who told her I was autistic...mildly autistic.
She thought he was calling me retarded.
That didn't go over well.
She told him I was reading at four and whatnot and we left that office in a huff.
or at least she did.
I don't remember it.
I do remember going into trances.
In my trances I was putting the Eiffel tower together in my head..each beam, each bolt.
It helped me feel comforted.
I did it once in school in first grade.
I did it at a roller rink.
It used to embarrass me.
People would ask "what are you doing!"
When I didn't know what I was doing.
Mrs. Shelander saved me.
She was my third grade teacher.
I used to draw all over my math pages...and after she gave my ear a good twist and made me promise not to do it again, She started setting aside some of class free time for me to draw.
She entered my art in a school "Reading is fundamental" poster contest...that I won.
I never spaced out when I drew.
The details helped me focus.
It was my chance to focus.
In my mind everything is equally relevant.
The fly buzzing around my head...the sun shining off the bumper of the car, the weed whacker across the street, the person who is talking to me.
The sound light bulbs make.

I focus sometimes by putting my hand up next to my eye and leaning..blocking out sound.
Or by watching a person's lips.
I have to have comfortable clothes.
sock seams drive me crazy etc.
My house is very quiet.
I structure my world in a way that helps me focus.
No tv. et al.

You know though, my extreme levels of perception help me sort through problems well.
I can pick out the missing piece...or the erroneous idea...
My biggest weakness had turned into my biggest strength.
Say your biggest weakness is impatience.
I would be willing to bet your biggest strength is jumping in and getting things done.
Biggest weakness...stubborn
biggest strength...persistence.
I could go on and on.
Think about your biggest weakness.
It no doubt makes your biggest strength possible.
Be appreciative of yourselves and your unique gifts.
I stopped my spells by focusing.
All those years of focus helped prepare me for my weight loss.
And now it is preparing me to do something with my art.
The haze preceding a spell is very similar to the haze you have just before a binge.
When you decide to let your mind slip.
So, if you want to keep your mind in the right place.
Print off pictures of bodies you would like...or maybe places you would want to go to...and tape them on the door of your kitchen cabinets....on the front of your fridge etc.
It will help you focus. Keep your goals front and center.
It will help you through rough spots.
Have a wonderful night guys,
Hugs,
Chris

psyched!

Hey guys,
I went to barnes and nobles and drew tonight.
I managed a pretty decent pic in a little under an hour.
I was happy about that.
I finally realized how important art is to me.
I know that sounds silly, why wouldn't I know...
But honestly I put it aside so long it just kind of faded from memory.
I was talking to someone not too long ago who I knew from a ways back..
When I was about 20 and he was 6.
I used to buy him crayons and coloring books, he was my friends little boy.
He is in Art school and says he remembers me showing him how to draw...not only that he still had one of my old art pads with my doodles and color theory in it..
I couldn't believe it.
I told him that I had stopped drawing because I wanted to put my family first, but had recently started again.
That somewhere along the way I had kind of gotten lost.
He said'
"I could have told you that, you were always happiest when you were drawing."
And I was.
And I inspired him to be an artist.
That makes me very happy.

For now Just wanted to say Hi and give my blog a new look.
Will be back with a bigger and better post tomorrow.
Have a great night guys,
do what you love.
Hugs,
Chris

moving past fear or learning to live with it.

Hey all,
How's it going.
I didn't get to draw yesterday...I spent my drawing time watching a pretty bad movie called legion..
and by bad I mean BAD..not baaaaaaaaaaaaddddd...in the slang sense.
It was truly awful..
The visuals were great however, and I got a few ideas from it which I will be working on this coming week.
So, that being said
I have fears.
I think we all do.
My number one fear is something happening to my children.
I love my kids.
I think most people who have kids do.
But I have 'abandonment issues' stemming from my ____________- *everyone say it with me
my CHILDHOOD.
LOLOLOL.
Anywhoozle.
I let three people drive my kids.
Me.
my husband
my friend amber.
That's it.
No,
I am not kidding.
If they go with anyone else I am in the car with them.
Like I am some kind of talisman.
Actually, It's just this...if something is going to happen I want it to happen to me too.
I don't know what that is.
But the idea that one of my kids gets hurt and I am not there..
I couldn't deal with that.
In much the same way that i got one of those beeper things on the back of my van, cause if I ever ran a kid over I would never be right in the head again.
Heck, one time I nearly ran over a Dog in NOrth Carolina..
I was so angry because it had a collar and these people were having a party in the front yard and the dog is off leash and runs out in front of my car.
I nearly hit it.
I got out of my car *I was 8 months pregnant and carried on till they promised they would tie the dog up.
A human being...I hope I get through this whole life never taking the life of someone else.
My youngest has a field trip with her homeschool enrichment class this coming Tuesday.
They are going on school buses nearly 25 miles away.
A school bus driven by a person of unknown character and drug usage habits.
..........
hmmmmm.
I am going to volunteer to 'help out' and go along, ride with her as it were.
My youngest thinks it's great, she's homeschooled and so doesn't know that she is supposed to be embarrassed of me.
That being said, I did allow my oldest to go to Denver to an opera last year ALONE (she was 15) in a school van driven by one of her teachers.
But not before I gave her 10 dollars and tons of unwanted advice.
See, I can do this.
lol.

I am still going on this field trip.
I am also going to lose this weight.
I have stopped weighing for one very good reason.
Every time I weigh I panic.
because I am getting lower.
The fear is nearly oppressive. And much like every other time, the only way to get over it is to get lower, not have anything bad happen...and move past it..but I have to get there first.
I have 'issues stemming from my childhood' (from here on out and in all future posts I will simply refer to similar problems as i.s.f.m.c. , it saves time) regarding feeling vulnerable at a lighter weight.
So, I will just keep eating my correct number of calories and exercising and I will weigh in a month or two.
weighing makes me want to eat.
Not weighing is allowing me to lose.
So, no weigh ins.
I'll get skinny by counting calories...
So, That's all...
I will update the art portion of this blog on Tuesday because I really do have a neat idea for a shadow demon that I got from a combination of a facebook app and that trashtastic movie I watched last night. For now, hows about I share some of the fun? eh





Till then,
your weight blind blogger,
Chris
...out.

saturday inspiration for robin...

quick post....
I love this...
Never give up.

Accepting your gifts and honoring them...

Hey all,
Back at this blogging thing for the diet and the art.

I want to talk about taking yourself seriously.
I did in some things, but not all things.
Like, my job as a mom...I take very, very seriously.
There is, in my mind, no more important job.
You are molding people who have to go into the world and function.
I am hoping to raise them to function in a well balanced and happy manner.
I want them to have INNER drive.
I want them to be go getters, to dream dreams and make them happen.
Not just talk about them.
I want them to know that the universe is ordered.
That there is a God.
That they have an ultimate purpose.
This I take seriously.

For a long time I didn't take my health seriously.
I made jokes...I saw it (the fat) as a joke.
At least that is how I portrayed it to the outside world.
I would say things like
Know why I don't wear corduroy? I might start a fire.

Well, that' s enough of that.
I won't rehash them all.
In both cases...in my art and in my health I downplayed me.
I didn't want people to think I thought I was special.
Or talented.
When people would compliment me I would say;
'Anybody can draw'.
But as my oldest said the other day...
Not everyone can draw well.
And certainly, no one draws exactly like me.
I crapped all over my talent to fit in.
I tried to squash every last vestige of my style to be good in the 'correct' way.
What in the world am I talking about.
Realism.

I worked for years to remove my accent as it were.
Much in the same way newscasters strive to get rid of regional accents and dialects.
I gave no weight to my own style, or point of view.
I wanted to be 'great' in an objective way.
I have never taken my art seriously, ever.'
In fact, when I posted my art yesterday....maybe the first three people saw some comments under the picture downplaying it and saying it was too colorful etc.
I couldn't just offer it up and let it lie there.
It's almost like a knee jerk reaction....
It's the same way I acted when I was fat.
I made fat jokes before anyone else could.
I have maybe 10 or 15 pieces of art that I have deemed 'good enough' to keep over the years.
The rest I threw away.
That angel would have hit the trash bin.
The only kind of art I have ever thought was art were realistic still lifes.
Realistic portraits.
My 'accent' is stylized.
If I have any sort of artistic talent, it would be as an illustrator.
But I never thought that was good enough.
I wanted to be good in the way picasso in his realistic phase was good.

that picture above was picasso in his realistic phase.

For the life of me, I couldn't understand why on earth he went from that to
THIS




Here is one realistic drawing that I kept...

I liked this one so much, because it was so 'realistic'.

After I drew this I didn't draw for nearly 13 years (not in any real way) and for the longest time I had no idea why.
I think I finally know why.
I got no joy in drawing it.
None.
I had managed to squash my accent. my style.
In the process I removed all the joy from drawing.
I had lost all motivation to draw.
For me it was like taking a dump and wiping my rear.
It was a chore.
But I finally had gotten it 'right'.
Getting it right brought me no joy.
So, why bother?

I later came across this quote, it seemed to me that it partially explained his abandonment of realism and his embrace of different concepts.

Are we to paint what's on the face, what's inside the face, or what's behind it?
Pablo Picasso

Good question.
Did I merely want to portray the subject or the emotion in the moment.

Do I like, say, Andrew Wyeth because he was realistic, or do I like him for what the painting was saying underneath...or was it both?

Am I getting healthy for the image, for the way I look on the outside?
Or am I getting healthy to honor me and the life I have been given?
To live fully to my potential.
I have stopped trying to be something I am not- art wise.
I am correcting my false assumption that the weight is about how I look.
It's all about who I am.
Regardless of anyone or anything else.
If I were indeed, the. last. person. on. earth.
And no one were standing around judging....who would you be?

Then be that.
For you. For God.

Have a great night guys,
Hugs,
Chris

picture post....my angel is done...anime pics.

Click to enlarge

Know I wasn't going to post..but I finished it.



so on to the anime pics...just a few...


Sophie posing with two 'pokemon'...


Me in my confectioner outfit (actually it's a shuffle outfit) and my sophie....

Sophie found waldo....



from left to right..my oldest daughter Kate..beth...iron man (he made that outfit) and my sophie

It was fun...and I am so glad I started drawing again.
Have a great night guys.
went to the gym...ate well.
Good day all around.
Hugs,
Chris

What do I eat...well, let me tell you...plus art pics.(and loretta's art)

Hey guys.
You know, I went back to the gym today. Burned 700 calories on the elliptical.
I think I will just stick with the gym...laying off the gym puts me in a lazy frame of mind.
I will just treat it llike a part time job. lol.

So I have been doing the rounds on the blogs.
I pick up so much from other people's blogs.
BTW...
the graham cracker and whipped cream person..
you know, take a graham cracker...and some light whipped cream and stick it in the freezer and it's like an ice cream sandwhich except without all the calories..

THEY WERE TOTALLY RIGHT!
try it guys. It's awesome.

My nine year old had half of mine.
I was also over reading Lisa's blog.
She has started doing a low carb kind of a thing...
Well,
I spend so much time telling you guys I count calories that I forgot to tell you all what I don't eat.
I don't eat white bread.
I don't eat white rice.
I don't eat donuts or any kind of processed crap on my non splurge days.
You know why...
Because It causes cravings.
Bad ones.

Another thing I don't eat.
cereal.
It does nothing but make me hungrier.
I know it doesn't bother some people.
I will now have people tell me to try granola or total raisen bran..
I have and it does nothing for me.
I eat yogurt or eggs.
On my splurge days I usually contain my big meal to dinner.
But I think someday I may have pancakes at Ihop.
That would be awesome.
lol.
I don't go through fast food places.
I buy turkey sausage.
I don't keep chips or candy in my house.
I don't keep soda in my house unless it's diet.
I recently stopped eating white flour crackers and switched to all bran crackers.
I eat 15 grain whole wheat bread...one slice with my eggs.
If I have a sandwich it's in a whole grain 80 calorie latortilla wrap.
I limit myself to two cups of coffee with sugar and 2 percent milk.
I don't eat white potatoes.
Butter doesn't help.
nothing does.
and popcorn.
I don't keep it in the house in any form...
It's my kryptonite.
That is how I stay so consistent. I keep my living area clean.
It's hard enough when I have to go out, no need to make it harder when I am in.
I eat fruit, yogurt, veggies, lean proteins and limited whole grains...no more than one or two servings a day.
Then I limit my calories.

I have all sorts of little barriers to my eating.
It helps me stay on course.

Now on to my art pictures and finally I wanted to post something for Loretta.

This is not finished....

Okay, I am thinking of titling it 'sleeping dawn'....(the angel who brings the dawn)

okay, so I actually got the idea from paint on my husbands computer, I was fiddling around and saw an object that was similar to a wing and went from there...
It started as a simple pencil drawing, then I took a fine point sharpie and 'inked' it, erased the fine pencil lines and then started with my prisma color colored pencils. I am in the process of coloring her in...the sky is ultramarine, violet and indigo (I am thinking of deepening the sky with more indigo, but want to give that thought some time...don't want muddy it up and it is almost time for her to wake up and bring the sunrise, so the lightening sky is acceptable.)

So...am thinking of doing the underskirt black as well....maybe a blue or purple or green undertone...am thinking. I actually did a dry run on a wing on a seperate piece of paper...will be doing a lemon yellow underlay with yellow ochre at the edges and the shading I am going to do with indigo because once it hits the yellow it makes a really gem like green color which I love.
Which is why the underskirt is up for grabs....I think I will do the wings first and then the underskirt. Down below looks like a high desert plain and want to concentrate on Tuscan red with an undertone of orange and maybe a raisin color or blackberry color....with the plains areas orange or yellow...don't know yet.
I have another blog in me about this and taking yourself seriously..think I will leave it till tomorrow.
For now I will leave you all with the prints I won from Loretta a bit ago..
I had them framed and hung on my stair case...a place that has been barren for quite a while. Which is unusual for me...as I love art....but just couldn't find the right pictures to put there.
When I received Loretta's pics in the mail..whammo...found it.
I am so happy. The look like little pieces of stained glass hanging on my wall.
So here they are:




Have a great night, and thank you loretta for my new art...
hugs,
Chris