Thinspiration or anorexia

Hey all,
Back from beyond,,,
I have been getting my calories in under my calorie cap and getting my exercise in..
Day 3 of really really watching it.
My husband bought netflicks and I have to admit to getting sucked in to a less than stellar show..
a guilty pleasure as it were.
Dallas cowboys cheerleaders: Making the team.
And let me tell you.
It's difficult to make that team.
You have to be beautiful, you have to be able to dance, be flexible, be up on current events, know the history of the cowboys football team, have a pleasing personality, learn routines quickly, be good under pressure and be articulate.
It's competitive.
And even once you are on, you have to re earn your spot year after year.
But there was one scene I found riveting.
when a 124 lb girl was told she looked 'chunky' and needed to lose weight.
chunky.
20 lhs less then me.
No wonder so many girls have eating disorders.
My little one was watching with me when this happened so I leaned over and said
"That girl is healthy...they want her to look a certain way, but the way she is, is healthy."
Now I have to admit...watching one of these shows at nine at night is enough to make the thought of eating some buttered crackers out of the question.
But to be inundated with this message...(and in our society I think it's incredibly prevelant)
I think it would be very damaging.
Being healthy is one thing...being obsessed with every ounce of fat....
unhealthy.
Maybe it's the impossible expectations that cause a kind of back lash.
If you can't be 110 lbs and a size zero, what's the point?
We should be focused on health..instead we have managed to have our girls focus on skinny thighs, pert tits and perfect teeth.
well, I had a great day.
painted the rest of my wall and it is now a cream color...I will try and post a picture tomorrow.
I will also attempt to get around to a few blogs tonight.
Have a great night guys.
Chris out.

Fun day at the Zoo...

well, Today instead of my regular walk I took the kids to the zoo where we walked around for about 2.5 hours. It was fun...I couldn't get any of the pictures to upload here so I put them in over at face book for the world to view.
Enjoy and have a great night..
off to live life,
Chris out...

parking between the lines....

Hey all.
Today was a long day...went and tried to get rid of the last of our girl scout troops cookies.
we did pretty well and only have a few left.
so it's all good there.
Then I decided to go grocery shopping...
and so did everyone else.
nuff said.
but as I was pulling into the parking lot I pulled up and parked very nicely next to a car...left plenty of space. We were evenly aligned.
Then I got out and looked down.
I was crooked as heck.
The person I had aligned myself with was either on a drunken bender or was having some sort of seizure as they parked....
But I parked in the way they specified.
So who is the bigger fool. lol.
I got back in my van and backed out...and then parked between the lines.
Leaving the other car sitting there...it's error now obvious instead of repeated.
Ever do that.
align yourself with another car only to get out and realize you parked poorly because they did?
It's the same thing with just about anything in life.
Don't park your car according to other people's standards.
I have to keep reminding myself..
human beings are error prone.
I should know, I am one.
There are lines..
In my world made by God.
That's the line I should be walking..
I shouldn't be going around saying..."well, I don't use the f word...so I am not as bad as ____________"
Or,
At least I don't judge others on their appearance...
My standard isn't the lowered expectations of other people.
Just like my diet isn't based on the crap other people are currently shoving in their face...
my exercise level is not dependent on whether my husband joins me.
And what I do with my life isn't contingent upon anyone else's expectations.
I have been thinking about the things I have always wanted to do....
and one thing I have always wanted to learn, is to play the piano.
I think I am going to get me an 88 key keyboard and learn.
It will take some time to save up the money.
There are lessons on that youtube.
But If I don't start,I will never learn.
If I hadn't started exercising and eating right, I never would've been a size 8/10.
My husband said He had 'given up' on me being thin and thought that was the way I'd always be....fat.
Luckily I didn't settle into other people's expectations.
Not even my own.
Each day...You have to draw your lines and park in them.
Don't park according to someone else's lines.
Big hugs.
Chris out.

Welcome to Chrisbodia-Day 1 Year zero....Thank you.

Well,
Hi.
lol.
I am back.
I had some thinking to do.
I am a kind of 'free spirit'.
I don't like rules...or the rules that are there, I like to tweek them till they work for me, Not me work for them....
So when I ran into this brick wall I will dub 'reality'.
You know, the one that showed me that I will always have to fight this with the same intensity I have shown for the last year and then some (two years on may 4th)
I got a little discouraged.
I know I make it sound like it's all pegged.
But every day I have to get up and say 'No'....
No to bread, no to ice cream...no to numbing my feelings.
I did it for so long..nearly fifteen years...that I had a lot of growing to do.
So I had a minor hissy fit.
I really had to ask myself If this was worth the doing for the rest of my life..
and yes,
it is.
I feel so much better.
I am a better example to my children.
I have so much more energy now.
I thought that maybe at some point, I would be able to set this journey on cruise control.
I didn't want my weight or weight loss to define me.
I wanted to struggle, overcome it and move on.
But as a believer in God....
I know that sometimes we define ourselves...and sometimes we are defined.
Just as paul had a thorn in his flesh...it seems that I do too.
This will always define me.
Adn it seems that if I am to take this weight off and keep it off, this will always have to be a top priority.
always.
Or it will come back on.
And that isn't acceptable for me.
My default setting when things get hard or I get upset is to eat.
Like a drunk drinks
or a druggie drugs.
Every day is day 1 year zero in Chrisbodia.
Yesterday is gone,I can't coast on yesterdays victories or drown in a defeat.
Tomorrow isn't here.
Today is all that matters.
I have just wanted to say thank you for all the kind and supportive comments I have recieved.
And also a big thank you to everyone who pours some of themselves out in the comments section of this blog.
It always manages to restore my faith in humanity.
So, Thank you.
Hugs.
Chris out.

death is not the worst thing that can happen....

Not living is... Hello, back from cleaning. everything. lol. My gramma was an interesting lady. But I have some regrets about her life. I have no idea if she did... But she was a case study in delayed living...or really....not living. She was born into a family as the baby.. Her parents told her that they had her to "take care of them in their old age." Then she fell in love with a man, but didn't marry that guy... she married my grandfather (*I am grateful, allthings being equal, I probably wouldn't be here if she hadn't*) She confided that to me one day when I came to visit. that she hadn't loved him... well, I guess he sensed that since he left her for another woman and my gramma waited 19 years for him to come back before granting him a divorce. 19 years. My gramma died at the age of 82...so nearly a quarter of her life... waiting for a man she never loved because divorce didn't 'look good'. Then... she gets a financial settlement in her mid 60's...enough to travel the world on a cruise should she have chosen to do so.... she always wanted to travel.. But never did... She would ask me to send her postcards from all the places I had been..and I did. When I would go to visit her, she would have them pinned above her headboard. But when she had the money and could...she was too afraid to go. I said "gramma,what are you afraid of?" I wanted to finish that sentence with the word 'death'. I knew what she was afraid of. living and dying. I did it for years though.. and occasionally I still do it. I think we all do.. as if the worst thing that could happen was death or failure. When the worst thing that can happen is to never live. night all, chris out.

food addiction

I am still a food addict. It's how I deal with my emotions. so... from here on out I will not be eating when I am upset. luckily I am not upset all the time or I would turn into an anorexic. But I did use my crappy day the other day as an excuse to bail on my food limit and eat too much. I still do it...apparently. It still happens and always will unless I make it my rule to not eat after a major upset. I am still not superior at sorting my feelings from hunger.... I was hungry when I started...but I didn't listen to my body and I ate till I felt sick. Something I haven't done in over a year and a half. I know as well as you do that this is never 'over'. two days ago was a good reminder. I also need to stop using my exercise a crutch to overeat. I need to get a handle on my excessive food consumption on high calorie days. ever hear of 'Give us this day our daily bread. I am all over the exercise. It's redefining my relationship with food that is going to take some work. modertaing my eating and leaving the dieting mentality has been revealing. I still have work to do. I am going to be living within the calories I earn each day until I get past the restrict and over eat pattern I have developed. I am still recovering... ack. I hope this doesn't depress anyone. I haven't gained weight. I haven't lost weight. I am holding steady and getting better day by day. In the meantime...I am getting my house in order...inside and out. I am not going to have anything left at the end of this that I don't love or use. project today....starting my seed beds for my garden.. painting my wall. doing my walk and situps. cleaning my art area and having a place for everything in my bedroom. Have a great night guys. Chris out.

Chapter 3: Prudence and Chigger-Love bites

Today was complete crap, let's just leave it there...more money sucked down the tube so I thought I would revisit prudence and chigger....my erstwhile romantic couple concocted in a moment of utter frustration with the seemingly mind numbing array of romance novels with the same two people in them. Just sporting different hair color, but the same royal title....Duke. So I thought I would make my own...Chigger in blue will take you to chapter 2 and that in turn will take you to chapter 1, if you are so inclined. Enjoy.




Chigger bit back a scream as the dagger like teeth of his nubile but vicious hostage sank through his flesh. Chigger tried to remember how he had gotten that moray eel off his arm the year before last, but was saved from a similar maneuver by the sudden de-clenching of his captive's jaw.

"What do you think your doing?!" whispered prudence...as she spit out a chunk or two of flesh.

"I, why I am but touring my own ship to see that it's sea worthy!" Chigger's indignant reply echoed dully through the ship's hull.

"What are you doing aboard a ship bound for Tortola with nothing but a petticoat between you and 60 lusty seamen!?" exclaimed Chigger.
(who was normally a perfect gentleman, but found his chivalry was being strained to its utmost limits...much like his creamy linen shirt's Buttons strained across his completely unearned, yet somehow massive chest and brawny shoulders.)

"Well" huffed Pru, "I had no alternative! I was left utterly ruined by our night of passion and knew that I must away before I was married off to a lecherous old earl who would want nothing more of me than to slake his dusty lust on my young body and get me with his heir....anything is better than that!"
At the last, Pru turned her head and sobbed softly into her Irish linen handkerchief. (delicately embroidered with her Initials P.A.M.)

While Chigger knew this would delay his shipment of goods, and may even endanger his spy work for the British foreign office...his lineage (or inbreeding as it were) as a gentleman would not be denied.
"Well," muttered Chigger..."Since this is partly my fault..I suppose you can stay aboard till we reach Tortola. Then you will have to return to England."

Prudence kept her thoughts (few though they were) to herself and simpered..."Oh Chigger, Thank you so much...I will be forever in your debt."
(for Prudence had her own plans)
Chigger was suddenly, and inexplicably, seized by an overwhelming urge to protect Prudence...and doffing his coat he wrapped it around her wee little shoulders...The heavy coat engulfing her, nearly smothering her, such was it's size.

Prudence could smell the manly smell of Chigger emanating from the woolen cloak...the smell of sea air, leather, horseflesh, cigars..brandy, a drunken revel from a few weeks ago, stale potatoes, dust, oil, pickle brine...These smells and more wafted into Prudence Mayhew's nostrils.
She felt tendrils of desire...and a wee bit of nausea..

"Well," sighed Prudence..."we had best get that hand looked after!"
"Tis but a flesh wound" pronounced chigger...and they climbed out of the hold into the brisk sea air above.....

Till next time, when chigger finds out flesh wounds can get infected and prudence makes her own plans while trying to fend off her feelings for chigger...Will Chigger get under her skin? And what will it take to get him out? Bleach? who knows....

have a good one guys,
Chris out.