Hello comrades...

Sorry, couldn't resist.
I home school and it is a well known fact that I don't take labor day off for home school...because it's a communist holiday.
Which it is.
But more on that later.

First off, Today I got my mojo back.
I woke up this morning and felt like losing the fat like I haven't in quite a while.
I think you have to 'feel fat' again to want to keep dropping weight.
I felt great, I thought "I look good'.
So the itch wasn't there.
But today I woke up and could see the fat.
I am still 'overweight'.
So that's no surprise.
But when you go from being morbidly obese to only 9 lbs overweight..
Well, you feel skinny.
lol.
So, I worked out and burned 800 calories and I ate 1560 calories.
String a couple more days like this together and I will be normal in no time.
Well, 'normal' in the weight sense.

But back to the communist holiday.
I decided to take today off.
I took it off because it was a chance to spend time with my kids.
I took my oldest to get a wig cap for the upcoming anime convention.
My youngest got some cat ears for her character...
and we hung out and then went and got some new shoes for my little one for her home school enrichment course tomorrow.
Part of the reason I like this is because it gives her a taste of public school without the rancid aftertaste.
It's one day a week.
It is all home school kids...
It has art and science (things that are difficult to duplicate at home)
and it gives her a chance to make friends.

I have spent the last 16 years giving my kids what I hope they understand to be
unconditional love.
I got love from my mom...
I didn't realize it was unconditional until I was older.
I got abuse from my 'father'.
He wasn't my biological father.

I have been thinking about that.
He was abused by his father.
Badly.
I was saved by the knowledge that God is my true heavenly father.
That he does love me unconditionally.
And God gave me a whole handbook on how to live.

My earthly abusive father never knew God.
He never knew unconditional love from anyone.
Not his mother or his brothers and sisters.
He got married and emotionally had nothing to give.
How can you pour out love if you have never been filled up?
Every part of his life, love has had to be earned and he didn't know how.
Or even if he 'earned' it, he learned that love can be withheld.
I forgave him a few years ago and left it there.
I called and forgave him.
He didn't accept that he was abusive.
He stated that my mom 'gave as good as she got'.
(which secretly made me happy to hear)
So I said
That's like saying the victim of a mugging wasn't the victim of a mugging because they fought back.
he didn't say anything.

Now before I sent the first angry letter.
Before I ever thought of forgiving him.
He had apologized to both me and my little brother.
He said He knew what he had done to all of us was wrong.
He cried.
It was after my brother and I had bought him a birthday cake.
( I actually didnt care, I did that for my little brother)
That he was able to say what he had done then, when we gave him a cake .
But the fact that his heart had hardened after I sent a bitter letter, that after I had written out my anger, he couldn't admit wrong doing.
I find it interesting that the asking for forgiveness moved my emotions enough to expose them to show me the root of my bitterness which prompted the angry letter.
(which quite frankly started the healing...so the act of love was the start of the healing, not the angry letter...hey robin...do you see why I read your blog? we think the same way.)

I thought
An act of love prompted the remorse.
An act of bitterness caused him to cover up.

So,
Since I forgave him, and worked through all those feelings I had about my childhood...and then went home and solidified the fact that I have healed.
I have been thinking about him.

I knew at the time that forgiveness was the right thing.
But a flash of thought came to my mind.
"What if you could love him unconditionally?"

I dismissed it because I really wanted to protect myself.
I think now that was the right decision.
I hadn't really worked through my life.
I hadn't started losing weight or anything else.
So I was right to let it go.

But I realized the other day how solid I feel.
I have no hate...and no love for him.
Just empathy.
I know how he was raised and how he felt..
Because I was raised the same way.
It doesn't matter who did the raising.
He doesn't batter people anymore.
He has gotten better that way.
But he is not healed, because I confronted him about his own childhood and he just kept saying "That has nothing to do with it."
But it has everything to do with it.
So, the thought is this.
I don't need him to be a father, he wasn't my biological father anyways.
I have my stepfather.
I don't need him to be a friend, or anything to me.
I have friends.
I don't need anything from him.
But I have something I can give him.
I can give him love and encouragement that is unconditional.
I can send him the birthday cards he was never sent.
I can write to him about his good points.
Because he does have them.
I can give him what he should have had from his parents.
It doesn't matter how old he is.
Inside he is still broken.
Does that mean I include my children?
No.
I live 1500 miles away.
I don't need him to send me cards.
Or give me encouragement.
I don't need anything from him.
I am the perfect person to do this.
This may sound crazy..
But as I was contemplating it...
I was listening on the radio and the lady said
"Is there someone out there that God is wanting you to reach out to and you are dragging your feet?"
That was pretty clear.
This thought has been hanging round for a while.
Its part of what I am supposed to do.
Well,
I hope you guys have a great night.
Hope all is well with you.
hugs,
Chris

Night and Day

Back to church today...
A different one of course.
I made the 30 minute trip to vista grande baptist.
It was worth it.
Night and Day difference.
Last week it was all buddy Jesus and what can the church do for you, and how can we not offend you by saying the word Christian.

This week:
No joke.
The whole sermon was preached on crucifying your ego and your will and following Christ.
It couldn't have been more perfect or more of a confirmation that I had landed in the correct pew.
I picked my daughter up from Sunday school where no one had threatened to 'pummel her head in'...
like last week.
And asked her what she learned...
She learned about moses and the difference between the old and new testament...and they read the bible.
I didn't see one cookie, or anything.
The only thing I was invited to do was come to the alter and repent or ask for prayer.
Or, as the sermon said, to serve God with my whole heart and to count the cost of following him.
I left there a happy camper.
I have found my church home.
These days it is starting to sound like the little pieces of my life are clicking into place...
snick, snick, snick.'
I have lost over 100 lbs.
I have friends, my art, a church home.
I am involved and happy.
It is all starting to come together.
I think I will look back and see what I was doing one year ago....

wow, this was the point last year that I hit rock bottom with myself...I nearly ended the whole thing the first week of september....this is me climbing out of my hole....
9-04-2009
I don't know how many of you have ever cleaned out a chicken coup. A really bad one that has built up a while and has a nice hard crust on it. It doesn't stink too bad until you chip beneath the surface. Boy howdy, then it stinks....and it doesn't stop stinking till you clean it all up and hit dirt. Well, When I stopped using food and had to start dealing with my feelings, things started to stink. Where I am right now is where I used to quit. Too much, Too hard, Too painful. Cover it back up and let it harden back down. Add a few more layers (pounds). It makes it that much harder to hit paydirt. It was alot easier saying that about my mom to people I don't have to look in the eye, than it would have been to people I know and love. It would have been too much. I don't want to see pity or something. Saying it is like lancing a boil. It lets the poison of silence out. I am tired of letting things eat me from the inside out. Those weren't my actions, they weren't my choices. The only thing I really have is now, my husband and my kids and what I make of the rest of my life. I can't undo anything, I am who I am. I can learn from other's mistakes, I can choose to forgive, I can choose to do the things that scare me. It really all ends up at paydirt. Goal weight. That is when I will have cleaned most of the crap out. Then it's all maintenance, keeping the crap off. Making choices about who and what I want in my life, who I really am and how I want to live. For those of us that have been stuck in a mental and physical rut that we not only carved,but had carved for us...the idea of creating something out of whole cloth seems daunting. It feels like a mountain sometimes ( or a crap packed chicken coop) . One step, one reach, one truth, one layer, one pound at a time

I think I am going to cry.

That is crazy.
one year later.
talk about night and day...
Guys, if you know or understand nothing else from this...know that I have been where you are.
I have been fat, and hopeless and messed up and not knowing who I am or what I am doing..or even what I want.
It took a lot of hard work to get where I am at now.
A lot of mental work.
But I am here.
Because I didn't quit.
The only thing standing between you and victory is you.

hang in there,
Chris

Heroes, and speaking the truth in love...

Hey all,
I wanted to thank Paula for the award she created to thank people who have inspired her.
I was lucky enough to be one of them.
As you all can see I posted something that while, not offensive to many was offensive to one.
I took it down.
Because that one person was truly offended.
If I felt it was just a person who was trolling I wouldn't have the same response.

I will deliver the message in a different way.
And this time, someone may be offended...but it won't be for any other reason than for the message.

Morbid obesity will kill you.
When I was 262 lbs I would get terrible heart palpitations.
Once while I was driving it happened so long and so hard that I started to black out.
I couldn't lay flat on my back and swallow.
Or even breath very well.
I cleared my blog roll two weeks ago and when I did I got rid of about 25 blogs.
People who hadn't updated in a while.
Here is the thing...
What I write here, other people read (which I know is obvious)
I haven't really written about the importance of losing the weight and how much better I feel for a while.
I do wonder if people who stumble over my blog (unless they look in the side bar)...would even know that I have lost weight, or even how much.
I am connected to a lot of other weight loss bloggers.
When Paula gave me that award it made me realize something.
You don't always know who you are reaching with your words.
Or what your words mean to anyone who may come across your blog.
I am big on encouraging people.
If I see they are succeeding, I root for them.
If they disappear and have a regain, I see it and say nothing.
Even if it happens over and over again.
Now with some people, when they start to slip I feel I can say something.
Mostly because I have faith in their journey.
I think they have the mindset to make it so I say something.
Loretta made an excellent point the other day.
She stated that her journey and people who have less to lose, their journeys are much different.
I agree.
But I rarely have any thing to say to Loretta, or Sean or allan...because I know they are going to make their goals.
Allan has said that, as a man who was over 500 lbs, his journey is life or death.
So telling someone who is over 500 lbs to just switch from brown rice to white rice is wrong and won't help.
Allan speaks the truth nearly all the time, or what he thinks he should say. Which I admire.
And
After last night,
my husband said that at some point he thinks that people might be 'too far gone.'
I don't believe that.
At one point I thought I was 'too far gone."
It wasn't the truth.
I just felt hopeless.
So,
If you see someone lose and regain the same weight...what do you say to that person.
If it's 20 lbs that is one thing.
But bigger numbers, that is another.
It puts alot of stress on the body, and I think each failed attempt leads to more hopelessness.
How do you approach it when you see it, especially when it is clear they aren't addressing the root causes.
My root causes weren't food, they were fear.
For some people it's depression,.
Allan has said that every day he stayed overweight was another day he might have a heart attack.
So, do you say something.
Or Do you just stay silent and then encourage when they get back on track.
or
Do you point out the flawed thinking.
Or do you speak the truth in love?
So if you are a new weight loss blogger,
ust know it is a life and death proposition.
It is worth it to lose the weight, you can do this.
It's a one day at a time thing.
You have to be consistant to lose the weight.
consistantly consistent.
Day in and day out.
You are too important a person to many people to ignore your health
Start now.
Big hugs,
Thank you Paula for reading and for the award.
Have a great night guys.

Apology

Hey guys.
I know there are alot of people wondering where my normal blog post went.
Well,
I deleted it.
I will write a new one thanking Paula tomorrow.
As for now I have learned a good lesson.
Your message and intentions don't always come across correctly to everyone.
I hurt someone last night.
It has never been my intention to hurt anyone ever.
I wanted to make a point about not turning our backs and ignoring things, instead I came across as a neighborhood mrs. Kravitz. For that I am truly sorry. I did follow the blog I mentioned for over a year.
I did feel sorry and pain at what occurred.
I did want to convey what I felt was a collective duty to help.
I am sure there was a better way to make a point.
I will try to think of it in the future.
I hope I can learn and grow as I age.
I hope everyone involved will forgive me.
I meant well.
have a good night.
Chris

A deliberate life...the cougar edition....

Hey all,
I did an awesome workout and finally got to the grocery store one hour ago. I will be spending this week eating whole foods.
Now..
on to the fun part.
As some of you may know, we at the commissary have baggers who help you take your groceries to the car for tips.
These are mostly young kids...17, 18, and 19 years old.
So, I got my groceries and am being escorted out to the car by this young guy who is a bagger.
He looked me up and down and is flirting.
which amuses me greatly.
he is talking about the job and his great car and what he's going to do for the weekend and what am I doing on the weekend.
He is talking about what a great job it is...so finally I decide to pop his little bubble.
lol.
We get to my car and I look at him and say "Yes, I think it is a very good job."
"my daughter applied on Peterson"
He says "Your DAUGHTER"..."how old is SHE"
LOLOLOL
I say "16"
He stops, looks at me and says
"well, Thank you Ma'am"
lololol
rawr.
hahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa....
too funny.
anywhoozle.
I recieved a blog award from paula two days ago that deserves it's own post.
I have a lot that I want to say that's attached to it.
But I just wanted to drop in and say heydy and give you a little nsv fun.
Have a great night guys.
Hugs,
Chris

Happy 101 blog award...a picture of my cat....and answering those questions...

.

Hey all,
I took a walk today with my husband.
I ate maintenance again.
I am 149 in the morning...150 at night.
I am not sure where I am with regards to food other than hungry.
Maybe my body is adjusting I don't know.
I am maintaining.
I think tomorrow should be better.
I have gotten most of the white stuff out of my diet and my cravings are calming down.
I have lots of veggies in the fridge which I will be comsuming tomorrow.
I have eaten only fruit for snacks.
so, doing good there.
I just got finished with Tom...so that could have something to do with it. I don't know...that and all the organizing, and homeschooling and what not.
But anywhoozle.
I have recieved a blog award that I haven't posted.
I wanted to do that now.
First up,
Karla...she gave this a few days ago. Joy prior to that...I have been very negligent getting it up here.
thank you both so much.
It's the happy 101 award
I am supposed to tell you ten things that make me happy.

okay here goes.
The smell of new paper.
A well sharpened pencil.
the smell of coffee.
The sound of little kids laughing...especially the little girl two doors down...
she has the cutest laugh.
My youngest daughter and her interest in words.
my oldest daughter's haiku s
A well timed joke.
the feel of silk.
my cat Leo...



Leo...
magnificent isn't he....he knows.
Leo was found one day under a pickup truck.
He allowed us to take him home and feed him.
We have been grateful for his presence ever since.

Now those questions I asked of others....
3 questions I would ask God...

What is my ultimate purpose here?
Who does he find funny? I mean, wouldn't you want to know who cracks God up....
and
How can I create more joy in the lives of the people around me??? What do they need?

The mistake I learned the most from..
I was in 7th grade and I picked on someone.
in front of people.
I thought I was hysterically funny.
I was sarcastic, and subtle and mean.
As I stood there getting approbation for what I did...she started crying.
Then I realized that I wasn't being funny.
I was being a monster.
I acted that way to be liked.
I hurt another person to fit in.
I went up to her right then, in front of all those people and said I didn't expect her to forgive me, but I was sorry. The people who had been cheering me on didn't like me after that.
But I didn't care.
I never did that again.

People have feelings.
Her name was Darla.
She forgave me, and turned into a friend, is in fact still my friend now.
Hurting someone, or tearing someone down to build yourself up is one of the worst things you can do. I learned that everyone should be treated with kindness and respect. That everyone has feelings, and that everyone is capable of being cruel. But people can change.

I wanted to thank everyone who answered those questions. I know a few haven't yet.
If anyone wants to read a few of the others...go at it.
If anyone wants to put there answers to these questions in the comments below, I would be really interested....
Oh, yeah...
Who would I have dinner with.
Mother Theresa.
I find her fascinating.
I just want to sit down and talk to her.
She must have had ideas and thoughts that she couldn't talk about...
well,
Someday.

everyone have a great night.
Big hugs,
Chris

No white bread evaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!

channeling my inner Joan crawford.
Honestly.
I have been a french bread a holic.
I have to stop.
It's causing all sorts of cravings.
Gotta ditch it.
man, this no cussing thing is hard.
I have a bush I am trying to grow, my husband doesn't like it because it gets HUGE and he can't get the lawnmower into the back yard.
I tell him...I will keep it contained.
And I have been...it's very small because he ripped it out last summer and it was re growing.
He mowed it today.
Even after I told him I liked it and wanted it.
I was soooooo mad.
So he says, "What, you aren't talking to me?"
I said "I am mad at you and don't want to talk to you right now"
I had to wait an HOUR to talk.
Which was probably good.
We hashed it out.
I told him he had 'hurt my feelings, and that it was like he didn't even listen'.
lol.
of course he didn't listen...
He thought..it's a bush, I'll mow it.
I think my response was very mature because if it had been the me of two weeeks ago....those stupid maps he insists on keeping would have been 'accidentally' shredded. It's called guerilla warfare.
anywhoozle.
My Bush will grow again.
on to more important matters.
I worked out today.
eating was so so....
It will be better tomorrow.
eliminating the white bread and unneccessary sugars will go along way towards curbing my appetite.
so long artisan french loaf from safeway...I hardly knew ya.
So, Robin gave me 8 qeustions and wanted me to answer them, make up eight and pick 8 people.
I will ask three good questions and ask 7 people.
hows that for following rules.

oakey doakey.
I pick Robin, cause this is the Chrisaverse and I make the rules,
Loretta even though she is blogging less...I would be very interested in her God questions...
Steve @ logmyloss...ditto
Deb will be free, Linda @ barmitzvahzilla, Amber @ faith love kids and me, and Alan from fool's fitness...that's good....those guys...

Question 1:
If you could Ask God three questions, what would they be?

If you could go back in time and have dinner with a famous person, which person would you choose.

What was the mistake you learned the most from?

After I read ya'll's answers, I will post mine...fair is fair.
Have a great night guys.
Hugs,
Chris