Why your soul is a like a litter box...

Follow me here..you start life with a pan full of clean possibility...then your cat takes a big shit...luckily you have clumping litter (coping mechanisms, rationalizations) it really cuts the smell..
We clean our litter box three times a week...I am sure some clean more, some clean less...but what if you didn't clean it at all? What if, every time your cat took a big shit in your litter box, your either ignored it, or spritzed perfume?  Or what if you ran around accusing everyone else of stinking....or pointed to and said"that is why i can never enjoy my room...it smells in here!"
Seems silly, doesn't it?

Or worse..what if we were given someone else's shit filled litter pan..and we dragged it with us throughout life?  We have no reason to  drag this around, but we believe it represents us...it's a part of us...we base our worth on it...the perception other people have...based on the smell that permeates us.
Why would you drag that around? Habit? Laziness? A belief that you deserve that shit?

Or even better...say we clean our litter pan.  But we put it in a paper Sack, in the closet.
Our pan looks clean..but we are holding on to the crap...as proof? To take it out and show to others?  As evidence?

Who lives with it? Who smells it?

Hanging on to that shit makes as much sense as hanging on to the anger, pain and bitterness of past grievances...when someone shits on you...don't count on your internal rationalization to clump the smell into non existence...don't ignore it, and pretend it doesn't exist.  Bend over, face that shit, recognize it for what it is, and throw that shit away!  And for God's sake...if you are hauling someone else's shit around...dump that shit too.

Chris out.

I no longer call it a diet

I call it life....when I am doing what I should...watching my intake, exercising...i feel better, I look better.  When I dont manage my time and resources well., eating healthy and exercising get pput on the back burner.

For me..one hour a day, six days a week at a gym is mandatory.  It keeps me on track mentally..it helps me make better choices food wise.  Three days a week are pure cardio...I do an hour on the elliptical.  (i am working back up to this) the other three days i do a two mile walk. (30 minutes) and thirty minutes of whole body toning with free weights..or body weight workouts...like planks and pushups...squats and lunges...etc.

Now mind you, up til two weeks ago it was pretty hit or miss at the gym..adjusting to my new work schedule...figuring out when to go shopping, go to the gym, spend time with my family...it is all a struggle.  So, I solved one of those by dragging my kids to the gym with me three times a week.  Sometimes my so goes as well.

I have learned i don't like lunch foods..i hate soup, I don't really like cold sandwiches...so if anyone has some simple meal ideas, I am up for them.  Quick, tasty and healthy dinner ideas would be appreciated as well.

As far as my evolution as a person...my new job has me interacting with people on a daily basis...something the old fat me never would have done.

And i deal with men all the time...some angry, some friendly, some flirty and some pervy. Lol...
I will relay a few of those stories later...I am out of time...
All in all i am finding balance.

Hope everyone met their goals today..
Calories 1767
Elliptical 45 minutes...
15 minute of stretching....

Chris out.

Beautiful...

I think the comments left on my post yesterday were some of the most beautiful comments I have ever received.  I appreciate them all...and I wanted to speak specifically to rachel and jsp...first rachel..that is it exactly..and to know your mom did it..and pulled through, and you were able to see it...that is very encouraging....I cashier..and my left hand gets numb..and i told my husband last night..he massaged my hand..it is encouraging..every little thing helps.  I want more than anything for the legacy of our family to be fifty years of marriage, and the idea that we dont quit on each other. I want my daughters to see that real love is agape love...the love God has for us. That above what I get out of it, I think God put me with him because he knew I wouldnt quit, because I know what it feels like to be thrown away because I wasnt expected..i had no father, so God was my father..so..those are my thoughts...what your mom did was redeem a life..and that is fantastic...and to jsp..anytime you would like to tell a story about your husband, you can swing by here and tell me...even better, maybe you could write a guest post on grief.  I think one of the reasons i talk about these things..is because everyone feels them..but nobody says them..and that leaves people alone.  Alone in a world full of people who are as  hurt and confused and alone as they are...to amber, robin and putz...thank you.  You guys are always there for me....to deb, thank you for posting and pursuing...it is easy for people to fall away from their goals. I always appreciate your honest and objective words. My name was female (wish i knew your real name). You are a dead hoot and a kick. You always make me smile...we all have our problems...i guess i am just the type not to hide mine...i did that for years, and it made me fat and miserable...no more...tomorrow i will start talking about my working out and my job....which is a veritable font of material.

Thanks again guys,
Chris out.

Clarification..

My husband has been diagnosed with ptsd..while six years ago he was a perfectionist, I would not hesitateto say these mood swings are a direct result of that..my issue was in coddling it, not confronting it and making him find alternative outlets for his self hate and anger and sense of helplessness...of course the girls are witness to it..tens of thousands of children across this country are witness to it...too bad our society turns a blind eye..many women dont talk about this..because when we do it is...why dont you leave?  And many men are left...and many commit suicide...he is much better mentally than he was six years ago..and this needfor everyone to be better is better than the year he spent twenty hours a day sleeping...all that needs to happen is for me to be vigilant about boundaries and behavior..if, at any time..i felt threatened or my children felt threatened or even psychologically damaged..I would leave.  That has not happened.  So, lets not use language that implies the situation is that serious..I know women who have been in those situations..to put my situuation at that level is denigrating to those dealing withthat reality. Women of veterens need to be able to talk.  Period.  While some people may not understand why we live in the situation..that is fine..we are a throwaway society..this is not a throw away house..he is part of ou family..and we love him..i know my limits objectively..now that really is the last i will type about that..if things go one way or the other i will update..for the last three months we have not had a blowup and we are working things through....i do thank everyone for their concern, as it is concerning...but it is being handled.
Thanks again,

Chris out.

Finding my voice...

This will be the last installment on the last five months..with all this complaining..you may be thinking..why is she with him..because, his shitty moods happen once or twice a month....with some smaller eruptions here and there...he is like a windshield wiper...happy, angry, happy, angry...there are legitimate reasons for some of it..but my enabling behavior allowed it to grow worse. On some days, he is an insensitive prick..nothing is right....he hates living here, his job, etc. On other days, he is happy and building things, he is funny, very intelligent and driven..yes..he is self absorbed..but as I thought about this, I think it may be one of the reason's I picked him..a huge downfall in all my previous relationships was the fact that, when it comes to
Relationships..I am not clingy...I am a very independent person, i like my head space, I dont get lonely.  The more i tried to create space, the tighter my exes would cling..in this, my husband and I are very alike.  He allows me to be me...when I assert myself...

it is when he tries to improve me that things get ugly...his perfectionism is the source of his misery..and when he feels he failed, he turns that critical eye on me. .and since i started telling him I dont need correcting or perfecting and have a job...correcting me, perfecting me, has not been an issue...the one day he busted into girls night to bitch about everything...i looked him dead in the eye and told him to leave us alone or get back to us later with a better attitude...and he did...he is trying...but it is years of ingrained habit...it will take time.

I picked this man at 19...obviously, his outer , critical voice matched my inner critical voice...none of this was a real issue until last year when i realized I no longer needed correcting...My healing has lead to a lot of unexpected consequences...but for the first time, I am fully inhabiting my body, i am not afraid of men, i feel able to support myself should the need arise, and I have learned that I dont need to be perfected...there isnt anything wrong with me...he has realized his communication patterns and his views on our relationship are no longer working...as do I.  So, we are working to change them.

That being said..I am ready to run at my health goals full bore...
Glad to be back.

Calories 1680
Elliptical 31:00 min.

Chris out.

So why the silence

When i get upset...very, very upset...i cant really talk about things. Like my miscarriage..I still  dont talk about that.  I didnt understand it..I needed to process it..for me, the threat of tearing apart our family for a trivial issue nearly became a knee jerk hatred toward my so.  I knew that was wrong, because I had been with him too long to believe him to be as shallow and petty as that conversation made him out...plus all the fear I had for me, my kids, and what kind of life I would have if I allowed my rage and hurt to dictate my actions..I secided to give him what he thought he wanted while with holding the one thing he thought he didnt...I cleaned the house, and closed my heart..every answer was perfunctory..every kiss short. i didnt approach him to talk...I decided to spend that energy on the girls, and improving myself,  trying to make him happy over the years was a fruitless task...his needs changed with his moods..how he wanted to be approached, how involved he wanted to be..changed from day today.   So, i stopped.  .That first week..he was happy...he would kiss my forehead and compliment me on the spotless sink...but by the second week...he began to question my oldest...i didnt want to rock the boat..i had no life preserver..the girls knew this...also, they had been subject to his fits of anger and belittlement when they didnt meet some standard in his head...k wasnt saying a thing...but he felt it...and i guess my cleaning and his paternalism finally got to my oldest..because a month in...she ripped him a new asshole when he tried to claim that his brain was responsible for her success..for an hour, she told him, in no uncertain terms...what a gasbag he was..and if anything, she succeeded in spite of him..that she was tired of his anger and bullying, and crappy attitude.

Everything i couldnt say because i had no leverage...she could because she is already on her way to the military...she told me later that every excuse for hisbehavior...his childhood, ptsd...she shot down...until he simply stood there and asked her if he should leave?  She said...no...but we want you to TRY.  Treat all of us decently...it doesnt make us respect you..it makes us hate you...and we want to love you.  Andthat night...as i did every night..we sat on the couch and he asked me if he was abusive with his language and an asshole...as i did with every question up till that point after the initial argument..i simply stared at him in silence....the next day was the first time in our relationship where he cut me off mid sentence, and afterwards apologized..to show how rare that was...we all stopped and stared.   That was the first inkling I had that he might be able to change...

But whatever changes he made, i didnt allow it to change me...as he began to engage me in conversation...instead of talk at me....(an example of this would be my saying something, and him saying something after completely unrelated until i just didnt bother...this has also gone on for years). As he began to engage, i would be honest...but not all at once..i began my job... I hoped...but i began to plan and build a life...he began to read about narcissism...lol...i cant talk much more tonight...but there is a ton more...the hardest thing has been to keep from falling back into old patterns..watching my oldest "call bullshit" has been freeing and enlightening...it makes me feel good that my girls are so secure in themselves.. I did good there..

Calories today: 1756
Exercise: 2 mile walk, 20 minutes toning.
Talk again tomorrow.
Chris out

Choosing happy

For years, I have been dealing with my husbands unhappiness.  It came to a head a few months back when he said that if i did not keep the house to his standard, we would talk about splitting the assets..then he went on to state that he put the roof over my head, the clothes on my back and the food in my mouth. It was then that i realized that the partnership i thought we had been building was all in my own mind.  He didnt respct me as a mom or wife..that he took back the splitting part two hours later didnt really help...because that warm woolen comforter of illusion had been stripped away.  . If, after twenty years, he could threaten that, then what would stop him from following through. Nothing..and if he did..what did i have...debt...no job skills.  I believed that nothing would ever happen...i never counted on my partner going to war, then coming home again with this persistent misery...a misery that was supressed and then reared its ugly head whenever i began to make personal progress in my life..every milestone for me seemed to trip his insecurity.. For every step forward i made, he would find a new complaint...as i sat in the kitchen crying..my girls asked me why i allowed anyone to talk to me like that..and i told them it was because i lacked an education..which was partly true.  The other was because, more than anything..i wanted a loving and stable environment for them..and i had shielded them from most of the drama for years..i threw myself into mothering and educating..we, as a couple, had our good times.. But i never felt secure.  Ever..  Because my so always had one foot out the door.  Some people live their lives believing that they are missing out..they are always in search of...my so is like that..but most of him knows better..and he loves us..and that has been the struggle..i have been trying to save him for years..sitting in that kitchen..i realized i deserved better..not at some point in the future, but right now..and that a false hope is no hope at all...so i made a plan..but after two or three weeks of  keeping him happy in an effort to get myself together..i finally figured out that i dont want to wait four years to get a job....in banking you can work your way up from teller..i just needed a cashier/ customer service position...so i went store to store til i found a person willing to hire me..two days in, i was Able to come home and state..i have a job..and that is when  things began to change...to be fair..things changed when i cleaned the house spotless but STOPPED humoring his moods or chasing after him, or allowing him to be shitty to me..but when i went out and got a job
Like i had threatened to do in the past
Whenever he called it his money.
He knew i was serious.
And he became leery.
I put my youngest in charter  school..another clear sign.
I had homeschooled for nearly 14 years.
And i stopped arguing with him.
I began to do things i enjoy and that made me happy.
And when he used abusiv or denigrating language..or threw a fit in the middle of one of our girl nights..i told him i didnt give a shit..knock it off....
And that is just the beginning.
Like i said...its alot..
But the biggest realization was that i had created a false dichotomy.
That for my girls to feel safe...i needed a certain structure..
What i have found, is that my girls understand far more than i think they do..and they believe in themselves....and in an even bigger surprise..
They believe in me..and proving them right is going to be a kick...
I also found thatby allowing my so to feel superior, i had really done a disservice to him...that isnt who i am....i havent given him a chance to meet me...not til the last month or so....
I no longer intend to pretend i dont have my own thoughts, needs and desires...
It may be a bumpy ride..but every day i am feeling more able to take it on....
Calories 1672
Exercise 31:30 elliptical



Back for more tomorrow...
For facebook people..i would rather not share on facebook..my in laws are on there...thanks.
I will trust you all to keep my confidence.
Chris out

Hello.

Hello.
I know, I havent been around in a while...thas because about two weeks into my grand plan...i read want ads. They all WANTED experience.  So i got a job.  As a cashier.  How did I do that?  I had nothing on my resume but dog sitting.  I went down the strip mall  a few miles away.. Business to business and spoke personally to the managers....four in, I found someone who would give me a shot.   I have had this job for  three months now.  My exercise and dieting went no where in that time...so i basically stayed the same...160s.  But you want to know something?  After not havin worked outside the home for 19 years....making a paycheck and feeeling capable was my final puzzle piece to who I am.   Not that I am a cashier, but  that I am an adult capable of earning and learning..my next goal is to be a bank teller.  From there i can move into a full time position.  The biggest change is how i allow myself to be talked to and treated.  I dont feel guilty spending money, because i help earn it..i am nobody's glorified maid..and i havent been yelled at about the house or anything else in five months.  I will discuss that interesting development later on....Last week i stepped up my exercise..today was the first day i have restricted my calories..i havent been to my self defense classes in Two months..but over the last month, I have been redistributing chores to other family members and lightening my own load.  I have so much to talk about...butnot alot of time.  I will be blogging once a week for accountability and to get back in touch with you all..these last five months..i have learned so much about how i got into a precarious position. How, even though I am a strong willed, strong minded women, I had given away all my power because I thought I was making a safe home for my children..and how I took back my power...it feels good.

I feel capable, empowered and whole.

I will share more soon.
Glad to be back.

Calories 1767
2 mile walk

Chris out