1.19.2014

Clarification..

My husband has been diagnosed with ptsd..while six years ago he was a perfectionist, I would not hesitateto say these mood swings are a direct result of that..my issue was in coddling it, not confronting it and making him find alternative outlets for his self hate and anger and sense of helplessness...of course the girls are witness to it..tens of thousands of children across this country are witness to it...too bad our society turns a blind eye..many women dont talk about this..because when we do it is...why dont you leave?  And many men are left...and many commit suicide...he is much better mentally than he was six years ago..and this needfor everyone to be better is better than the year he spent twenty hours a day sleeping...all that needs to happen is for me to be vigilant about boundaries and behavior..if, at any time..i felt threatened or my children felt threatened or even psychologically damaged..I would leave.  That has not happened.  So, lets not use language that implies the situation is that serious..I know women who have been in those situations..to put my situuation at that level is denigrating to those dealing withthat reality. Women of veterens need to be able to talk.  Period.  While some people may not understand why we live in the situation..that is fine..we are a throwaway society..this is not a throw away house..he is part of ou family..and we love him..i know my limits objectively..now that really is the last i will type about that..if things go one way or the other i will update..for the last three months we have not had a blowup and we are working things through....i do thank everyone for their concern, as it is concerning...but it is being handled.
Thanks again,

Chris out.

9 comments:

neca said...

Write what you need. No one's marriage is perfect (since it involves imperfect people!).

My husband and I are both vets - we get it.

Beginning Anew said...

I like what neca said, no marriage is perfect. Everyone thinks my husband is such a "nice guy" but I tell you even nice guys do things they shouldn't and it hurts just the same and no one sees it but me. A nice asshole I call him. But I love him and I keep working on it. I learned between one divorce and a second marriage - it takes work.

Work, work, work and we have to do the work in a spirit of love to really see the results. that's life.

Anyway - so glad you are able to be so honest. I think you are one heck of a gal. He is damn lucky to have you!

Deb Willbefree said...

Sometimes, putting tings into words paints those things deeper and darker than they are. To not put those things into words is paints a false, sun-shiney landscape, dismissing the pain and shadow that is present.

We readers have such a small window into your world...sometimes we assume the wrong picture.

Keep "painting," Chris. Your story will flesh out as you go along,one stroke after another.

Blogging can be tricky.

Deb

Robin said...

Sometimes a blogging "conversation" can feel one-sided. You are throwing something out there that can easily be misinterpreted because it was written and not said. Or the reader could not have the perspective of reading you for a long time.

Write what you are comfortable with always. If putting it down here helps you to work it out in your head, that is all that matters. I find that putting things in writing often gives ME clarity. The comments and opinions of others are often helpful.

Speaking just to this... PTSD is a very real thing. Tough waters to navigate. If your husband is getting better, becoming healthier, showing improvement... well, it's all baby steps. With PTSD and all of the emotional blows that weigh us down.

Hang in there.

Amber said...

"Marriage is the most difficult thing to make work" This is what someone said to me just before I got married. They were right.
It's very difficult, especially when a marriage has "extra" things to deal with.

You have been a very loyal and loving wife when many would have given up. It takes two to make a marriage work, and I know you will do everything you need to for you, the rest is up to him!

I'm always here! (just a door away) ;-)

Rachel said...

You don't know me, but I've been reading your blog for a while. Just wanted to thank you for your honesty and your comittment to not be a throw-away family. My dad came home from Korea with ptsd, but back then nobody knew what it was or how to do anything about it. My mom stuck with him and loved him through some pretty bad times, worried sick about how it would affect us kids. She prayed a lot. She agonized over whether to leave him or not. He was so full of rage. I was sure he would never change. I was wrong. One day when I was back home visiting, everyone but Dad was getting ready for church. (He had refused to go to church for many years.) Dad came out of the bedroom dressed in a suit and handed Mom a little bag. She opened it to find a pearl necklace, and Dad said, "I think it's time we went to church as a family." It was his way of telling her he was sorry and that she had loved him back to the family and back to Jesus. Now, as an old man close to death ( he knows it and we know it) he doesn't stop telling anybody who will listen how much he loves his wife and his kids and how good God is. He's not perfect, but he's a different man. And it's because of my mom feeling the same way about my dad that you do about your husband--he's part of the family and you don't just throw that away. You're doing a beautiful thing!

My name WAS Female, I shit you not! said...

You have a lot of people on your side Chris! :0)
(((hugs)))

Putz said...

Hi Chris....you know I did not lose any weight with you or along with you as one of your followers....I was very proud of you although I teasesed y but never never About your weight loss although when you triumphed I might have said something meant lovingly to encourage you and especially since I have never had the courage you possess...now in the throwes of another challenge I sit back and listen to your cheerleading yourself....I had you And Revba and especially all of revas kids and her kids and enjoyed all of you from Colorado springs through all of your forest fires etc......and most of the time agreed with your approach to yourself...and tongue in checked poked a little bit at Christine....but lot of your philosophy will last forever because you spoke the truth where a lot of what I said was putzy after all I called .itself a putz and put on strange Christmas plays as you could see from my December post with Carlin pulling her face...and more being a putz wise guy with very poor spelling as always...be strong my dear

JSP said...

I think you are just awesome. My daughter has PTSD from my husband's death(hit by a car, not military). I probably have it too, I am going to start counseling this month(I have most of the symptoms). And we didn't see him die, I can't imagine witnessing something as horrific as the violent death of another human being. Since he was killed I have noticed something. This society never wants to talk about the unpleasant, whatever it is. We are supposed to "move on"(such a nice tidy phrase). We are not supposed to do what makes other people uncomfortable. Unfortunately the uncomfortable people are vocal and assertive. I guess people are uncomfortable thinking you should work through this with your husband? People get uncomfortable when I talk about my husband, but he still feels like my husband, and he wasn't perfect and neither was our marriage, but I miss him so much sometimes I think the pain will kill me. I don't even say that much, just a "my husband liked that band" or something so small is enough for people to look uncomfortable. Anyway, I have found comfort in other's stories and I think you help people when you share. So, to some up my rambling(sorry about that) I think you are awesome for sharing your story in spite of what some might say. I have been reading your blog for quite a while now(long before my life fell apart) and have been inspired by your willingness to dig deep and fix things that are in the way of your happiness and goals(chicken coop) I wish you and your husband and family the best.