When i get upset...very, very upset...i cant really talk about things. Like my miscarriage..I still dont talk about that. I didnt understand it..I needed to process it..for me, the threat of tearing apart our family for a trivial issue nearly became a knee jerk hatred toward my so. I knew that was wrong, because I had been with him too long to believe him to be as shallow and petty as that conversation made him out...plus all the fear I had for me, my kids, and what kind of life I would have if I allowed my rage and hurt to dictate my actions..I secided to give him what he thought he wanted while with holding the one thing he thought he didnt...I cleaned the house, and closed my heart..every answer was perfunctory..every kiss short. i didnt approach him to talk...I decided to spend that energy on the girls, and improving myself, trying to make him happy over the years was a fruitless task...his needs changed with his moods..how he wanted to be approached, how involved he wanted to be..changed from day today. So, i stopped. .That first week..he was happy...he would kiss my forehead and compliment me on the spotless sink...but by the second week...he began to question my oldest...i didnt want to rock the boat..i had no life preserver..the girls knew this...also, they had been subject to his fits of anger and belittlement when they didnt meet some standard in his head...k wasnt saying a thing...but he felt it...and i guess my cleaning and his paternalism finally got to my oldest..because a month in...she ripped him a new asshole when he tried to claim that his brain was responsible for her success..for an hour, she told him, in no uncertain terms...what a gasbag he was..and if anything, she succeeded in spite of him..that she was tired of his anger and bullying, and crappy attitude.
Everything i couldnt say because i had no leverage...she could because she is already on her way to the military...she told me later that every excuse for hisbehavior...his childhood, ptsd...she shot down...until he simply stood there and asked her if he should leave? She said...no...but we want you to TRY. Treat all of us decently...it doesnt make us respect you..it makes us hate you...and we want to love you. Andthat night...as i did every night..we sat on the couch and he asked me if he was abusive with his language and an asshole...as i did with every question up till that point after the initial argument..i simply stared at him in silence....the next day was the first time in our relationship where he cut me off mid sentence, and afterwards apologized..to show how rare that was...we all stopped and stared. That was the first inkling I had that he might be able to change...
But whatever changes he made, i didnt allow it to change me...as he began to engage me in conversation...instead of talk at me....(an example of this would be my saying something, and him saying something after completely unrelated until i just didnt bother...this has also gone on for years). As he began to engage, i would be honest...but not all at once..i began my job... I hoped...but i began to plan and build a life...he began to read about narcissism...lol...i cant talk much more tonight...but there is a ton more...the hardest thing has been to keep from falling back into old patterns..watching my oldest "call bullshit" has been freeing and enlightening...it makes me feel good that my girls are so secure in themselves.. I did good there..
Calories today: 1756
Exercise: 2 mile walk, 20 minutes toning.
Talk again tomorrow.