So why the silence

When i get upset...very, very upset...i cant really talk about things. Like my miscarriage..I still  dont talk about that.  I didnt understand it..I needed to process it..for me, the threat of tearing apart our family for a trivial issue nearly became a knee jerk hatred toward my so.  I knew that was wrong, because I had been with him too long to believe him to be as shallow and petty as that conversation made him out...plus all the fear I had for me, my kids, and what kind of life I would have if I allowed my rage and hurt to dictate my actions..I secided to give him what he thought he wanted while with holding the one thing he thought he didnt...I cleaned the house, and closed my heart..every answer was perfunctory..every kiss short. i didnt approach him to talk...I decided to spend that energy on the girls, and improving myself,  trying to make him happy over the years was a fruitless task...his needs changed with his moods..how he wanted to be approached, how involved he wanted to be..changed from day today.   So, i stopped.  .That first week..he was happy...he would kiss my forehead and compliment me on the spotless sink...but by the second week...he began to question my oldest...i didnt want to rock the boat..i had no life preserver..the girls knew this...also, they had been subject to his fits of anger and belittlement when they didnt meet some standard in his head...k wasnt saying a thing...but he felt it...and i guess my cleaning and his paternalism finally got to my oldest..because a month in...she ripped him a new asshole when he tried to claim that his brain was responsible for her success..for an hour, she told him, in no uncertain terms...what a gasbag he was..and if anything, she succeeded in spite of him..that she was tired of his anger and bullying, and crappy attitude.

Everything i couldnt say because i had no leverage...she could because she is already on her way to the military...she told me later that every excuse for hisbehavior...his childhood, ptsd...she shot down...until he simply stood there and asked her if he should leave?  She said...no...but we want you to TRY.  Treat all of us decently...it doesnt make us respect you..it makes us hate you...and we want to love you.  Andthat night...as i did every night..we sat on the couch and he asked me if he was abusive with his language and an asshole...as i did with every question up till that point after the initial argument..i simply stared at him in silence....the next day was the first time in our relationship where he cut me off mid sentence, and afterwards apologized..to show how rare that was...we all stopped and stared.   That was the first inkling I had that he might be able to change...

But whatever changes he made, i didnt allow it to change me...as he began to engage me in conversation...instead of talk at me....(an example of this would be my saying something, and him saying something after completely unrelated until i just didnt bother...this has also gone on for years). As he began to engage, i would be honest...but not all at once..i began my job... I hoped...but i began to plan and build a life...he began to read about narcissism...lol...i cant talk much more tonight...but there is a ton more...the hardest thing has been to keep from falling back into old patterns..watching my oldest "call bullshit" has been freeing and enlightening...it makes me feel good that my girls are so secure in themselves.. I did good there..

Calories today: 1756
Exercise: 2 mile walk, 20 minutes toning.
Talk again tomorrow.
Chris out


Quiltingranny said...

I love your honesty, you are like a breath of fresh air. I once lived with a man like that. It took all I had to open the door and kick him out. When he returned almost a year later, he was changed and our life has been amazing! I concentrated on me as you are now! Keep up the positives!

Christine said...

Thank you..it IS What I am hoping for.

downsizers said...

I have read about how we can become enablers in an effort to "keep the peace". Women are usually the ones who make the most effort at this but there comes a time when enough is enough. It isn't helping him overcome his emotional problems and ends up with everyone being miserable. Would he be open to some counseling? He is going to have to learn to adjust and think about others. If he understands the very real possibility of not being a part of the family anymore, he needs to be made aware of what it's going to take to save the home. I think you are doing exactly the right thing. Stick to your guns (figuratively speaking of course). :-)

My name WAS Female, I shit you not! said...

You have given me such an insight into myself.
I built that same wall around my heart in my marriage.
When you love someone, their words and behaviors hurt deeply!
So much so, that even though the new man in my life is 100% different, even after a year, I still haven't been able to TRUST that if I give all of my heart to him, he will break my heart and I will feel that pain again.
Again, thanks for sharing of yourself Christine. (((hugs)))

neca said...

This is so awesome not only fo ryou, but for your girls. You must be a terrific mom that they KNOW this isn't ok. Too many kids seem to just fall into the same bad patterns of their parents.

Take care.

Robin said...

This makes my heart sing. I am so glad that K called him on his crap. We ALL need that. The fact that he listened and began to try to change is awesome. The fact that you hold your ground, not enabling the old behavior, so hard but shows how much you've grown. I am so glad you have reached a place that you can share this. So many people feel stuck in bullying relationship and don't leave and don't know how to make a change. This could change lives. I hope it does.

'Yellow Rose' Jasmine said...

Having meaning behind what you share on this blog is something rare and wonderful. That is what I believe is so different about what makes it such a positive to tune in to listen to what you have to say.
It is also exceedingly rare to find someone who will actually change and grow in ways that transform relationships for the good. But simply because something is rare doesn't mean that it can't happen. It can and with the help of God I pray that it WILL happen for you and your girls.

Christine said...

@downsizers..he has had counseling...and we have had marital counseling...even this was an improvement...ii think he is getting it, as am I.

@ neca thanks
@robin, thanks hin.
@yellow rose, i think me and my so are together because we each have areas that need growth..and we push each other all the time, because we are so different in certain ways. I am glad you find meaing in what I say...it is my goal to always be honest and alwyas be learning.