For years, I have been dealing with my husbands unhappiness. It came to a head a few months back when he said that if i did not keep the house to his standard, we would talk about splitting the assets..then he went on to state that he put the roof over my head, the clothes on my back and the food in my mouth. It was then that i realized that the partnership i thought we had been building was all in my own mind. He didnt respct me as a mom or wife..that he took back the splitting part two hours later didnt really help...because that warm woolen comforter of illusion had been stripped away. . If, after twenty years, he could threaten that, then what would stop him from following through. Nothing..and if he did..what did i have...debt...no job skills. I believed that nothing would ever happen...i never counted on my partner going to war, then coming home again with this persistent misery...a misery that was supressed and then reared its ugly head whenever i began to make personal progress in my life..every milestone for me seemed to trip his insecurity.. For every step forward i made, he would find a new complaint...as i sat in the kitchen crying..my girls asked me why i allowed anyone to talk to me like that..and i told them it was because i lacked an education..which was partly true. The other was because, more than anything..i wanted a loving and stable environment for them..and i had shielded them from most of the drama for years..i threw myself into mothering and educating..we, as a couple, had our good times.. But i never felt secure. Ever.. Because my so always had one foot out the door. Some people live their lives believing that they are missing out..they are always in search of...my so is like that..but most of him knows better..and he loves us..and that has been the struggle..i have been trying to save him for years..sitting in that kitchen..i realized i deserved better..not at some point in the future, but right now..and that a false hope is no hope at all...so i made a plan..but after two or three weeks of keeping him happy in an effort to get myself together..i finally figured out that i dont want to wait four years to get a job....in banking you can work your way up from teller..i just needed a cashier/ customer service position...so i went store to store til i found a person willing to hire me..two days in, i was Able to come home and state..i have a job..and that is when things began to change...to be fair..things changed when i cleaned the house spotless but STOPPED humoring his moods or chasing after him, or allowing him to be shitty to me..but when i went out and got a job
Like i had threatened to do in the past
Whenever he called it his money.
He knew i was serious.
And he became leery.
I put my youngest in charter school..another clear sign.
I had homeschooled for nearly 14 years.
And i stopped arguing with him.
I began to do things i enjoy and that made me happy.
And when he used abusiv or denigrating language..or threw a fit in the middle of one of our girl nights..i told him i didnt give a shit..knock it off....
And that is just the beginning.
Like i said...its alot..
But the biggest realization was that i had created a false dichotomy.
That for my girls to feel safe...i needed a certain structure..
What i have found, is that my girls understand far more than i think they do..and they believe in themselves....and in an even bigger surprise..
They believe in me..and proving them right is going to be a kick...
I also found thatby allowing my so to feel superior, i had really done a disservice to him...that isnt who i am....i havent given him a chance to meet me...not til the last month or so....
I no longer intend to pretend i dont have my own thoughts, needs and desires...
It may be a bumpy ride..but every day i am feeling more able to take it on....
Exercise 31:30 elliptical
Back for more tomorrow...
For facebook people..i would rather not share on facebook..my in laws are on there...thanks.
I will trust you all to keep my confidence.