1.17.2014

Choosing happy

For years, I have been dealing with my husbands unhappiness.  It came to a head a few months back when he said that if i did not keep the house to his standard, we would talk about splitting the assets..then he went on to state that he put the roof over my head, the clothes on my back and the food in my mouth. It was then that i realized that the partnership i thought we had been building was all in my own mind.  He didnt respct me as a mom or wife..that he took back the splitting part two hours later didnt really help...because that warm woolen comforter of illusion had been stripped away.  . If, after twenty years, he could threaten that, then what would stop him from following through. Nothing..and if he did..what did i have...debt...no job skills.  I believed that nothing would ever happen...i never counted on my partner going to war, then coming home again with this persistent misery...a misery that was supressed and then reared its ugly head whenever i began to make personal progress in my life..every milestone for me seemed to trip his insecurity.. For every step forward i made, he would find a new complaint...as i sat in the kitchen crying..my girls asked me why i allowed anyone to talk to me like that..and i told them it was because i lacked an education..which was partly true.  The other was because, more than anything..i wanted a loving and stable environment for them..and i had shielded them from most of the drama for years..i threw myself into mothering and educating..we, as a couple, had our good times.. But i never felt secure.  Ever..  Because my so always had one foot out the door.  Some people live their lives believing that they are missing out..they are always in search of...my so is like that..but most of him knows better..and he loves us..and that has been the struggle..i have been trying to save him for years..sitting in that kitchen..i realized i deserved better..not at some point in the future, but right now..and that a false hope is no hope at all...so i made a plan..but after two or three weeks of  keeping him happy in an effort to get myself together..i finally figured out that i dont want to wait four years to get a job....in banking you can work your way up from teller..i just needed a cashier/ customer service position...so i went store to store til i found a person willing to hire me..two days in, i was Able to come home and state..i have a job..and that is when  things began to change...to be fair..things changed when i cleaned the house spotless but STOPPED humoring his moods or chasing after him, or allowing him to be shitty to me..but when i went out and got a job
Like i had threatened to do in the past
Whenever he called it his money.
He knew i was serious.
And he became leery.
I put my youngest in charter  school..another clear sign.
I had homeschooled for nearly 14 years.
And i stopped arguing with him.
I began to do things i enjoy and that made me happy.
And when he used abusiv or denigrating language..or threw a fit in the middle of one of our girl nights..i told him i didnt give a shit..knock it off....
And that is just the beginning.
Like i said...its alot..
But the biggest realization was that i had created a false dichotomy.
That for my girls to feel safe...i needed a certain structure..
What i have found, is that my girls understand far more than i think they do..and they believe in themselves....and in an even bigger surprise..
They believe in me..and proving them right is going to be a kick...
I also found thatby allowing my so to feel superior, i had really done a disservice to him...that isnt who i am....i havent given him a chance to meet me...not til the last month or so....
I no longer intend to pretend i dont have my own thoughts, needs and desires...
It may be a bumpy ride..but every day i am feeling more able to take it on....
Calories 1672
Exercise 31:30 elliptical



Back for more tomorrow...
For facebook people..i would rather not share on facebook..my in laws are on there...thanks.
I will trust you all to keep my confidence.
Chris out

12 comments:

Deb Willbefree said...

It may surprise you for me to say this, but...

I am so glad to read this.

I'm not glad about the pain, disappointment, and shock of it all, but I am glad you have not shielded yourself from the truth and, more imortantly, are taking concrete steps in response.

The job and putting your daughter in school were acts of great courage and hope...and done when you could have more easily let yourself sink into despair and fearful inactivity.

It's an old saying, but it fits here better than anything else: You rose to the occasion.

God is good.

Deb



downsizers said...

You go girl.

outdoor.mom said...

we feel empowered when we lose weight and start taking charge of our lives. that is a big change. i really like the marriage series by Dr Emerson and Sarah Eggerichs. it is helpful on communication. i suggest you approach it with an open mind :-) I'm proud of all your accomplishments!!

Robin said...

It is amazing to see how all of the internal work you've done since you started this weight loss journey has brought you HERE. Had you not gone through all of that, you would never have known yourself well enough, had the confidence to make a stand, be willing to embrace change, etc. I hope that he comes round to respecting you for who you are and not who he thought you were (or maybe who you used to be). The good news is that no matter what he does you are confident enough to deal with it. If that isn't living deliberately, I don't know what is.

I agree about facebook. I don't want anyone who reads my blog to even mention it on facebook. My ex has access to that page and, even though he doesn't wander through my posts often (aka I don't write about him very much), I would feel extremely limited in what I felt I could say if I knew he was reading.

Jane Cartelli said...

You acted with strength and honor. Very inspiring to read this today. Thank you.

My name WAS Female, I shit you not! said...

I was you!
I ALLOWED myself to be treated like this for 45 years until he passed away.
Have so many regrets because we could have had it "better" if I had not accepted that treatment from the beginning.
In my new relationship, I have given myself permission to not "allow" any bad behaviors and speak my mind.
My new man of over a year treats me like a Queen. I nipped things in the bud right from the "get go!"
You are on the right path m/f. :0)

Ditto on no FB reference to my blog please. Thank you.
(((hugs)))Pat

Quiltingranny said...

You go girl! Never let someone bring you to their unhappy level!

Lyn said...

I am so glad to see you back. Even more, I am glad YOU get to see YOU back. I think a lot of women, myself included, have experienced putting up with things 'for the kids' or 'to keep the peace.' I too learned a few years ago that it benefits no one. Standing your ground, taking back your power and owning your strength can change EVERYTHING.

Peace to you.

bbubblyb said...

Chris it's so so good to see you and read your post. You know years back mike was just slowly dying in his recliner he would just work and come home to sit or sleep in that chair. When I started losing weight he got scared too and after about a year he started to change to. He now does most of the housework and he's so good to the kids and I. Not that he didn't always love us as I'm sure your husband does too. But you were right to put you at the top of your list and take back your power. Hopefully as time continues to go by he will chose happy to as you are a wonderful woman. Big hugs

Roxie said...

Chris,

It's always scary when we are no longer delude ourselves and truly see things as they are. We finally get to be ourselves and let our SO be who they are - without the veil. Good, bad, indifferent.

Good for you! May this process bring you into full bloom.

Jo said...

It is all about choice isn't it? When we start seeing our situation as a series of choices, we begin to make better choices. So glad that you chose happy!

Beginning Anew said...

Funny how we power house women, and I believe you are one, will let a man do that to us for a season. But when we have had enough it's "Katy bar the door" or in other words - watch out now you done gone too far!

I totally understand where you are and the desire to stay with him. If he did not have trouble after being witness to a war what kind of man would that make him? So many vets are kicked to the curb or forgotten. The women of these men who come back changed are just as tough, brave and sacrificing as those on the front line. Bravo for you for finding the balance. Staying until you feel threatened but setting strong boundaries.

Your girls will learn, when times got hard, Mom put on her big girl boots and kicked ass, but she didn't quit loving daddy. She didn't give up. Nice Legacy Chris!

As always - your candor and honesty and wicked fighting spirit encourage me and thrill me.

Rock on Girl!