Finding my voice...

This will be the last installment on the last five months..with all this complaining..you may be thinking..why is she with him..because, his shitty moods happen once or twice a month....with some smaller eruptions here and there...he is like a windshield wiper...happy, angry, happy, angry...there are legitimate reasons for some of it..but my enabling behavior allowed it to grow worse. On some days, he is an insensitive prick..nothing is right....he hates living here, his job, etc. On other days, he is happy and building things, he is funny, very intelligent and driven..yes..he is self absorbed..but as I thought about this, I think it may be one of the reason's I picked him..a huge downfall in all my previous relationships was the fact that, when it comes to
Relationships..I am not clingy...I am a very independent person, i like my head space, I dont get lonely.  The more i tried to create space, the tighter my exes would cling..in this, my husband and I are very alike.  He allows me to be me...when I assert myself...

it is when he tries to improve me that things get ugly...his perfectionism is the source of his misery..and when he feels he failed, he turns that critical eye on me. .and since i started telling him I dont need correcting or perfecting and have a job...correcting me, perfecting me, has not been an issue...the one day he busted into girls night to bitch about everything...i looked him dead in the eye and told him to leave us alone or get back to us later with a better attitude...and he did...he is trying...but it is years of ingrained habit...it will take time.

I picked this man at 19...obviously, his outer , critical voice matched my inner critical voice...none of this was a real issue until last year when i realized I no longer needed correcting...My healing has lead to a lot of unexpected consequences...but for the first time, I am fully inhabiting my body, i am not afraid of men, i feel able to support myself should the need arise, and I have learned that I dont need to be perfected...there isnt anything wrong with me...he has realized his communication patterns and his views on our relationship are no longer working...as do I.  So, we are working to change them.

That being said..I am ready to run at my health goals full bore...
Glad to be back.

Calories 1680
Elliptical 31:00 min.

Chris out.


Anonymous said...

Hey, Chris.

You may find it interesting to look into a condition called "cyclothymia." It's a mild mood disorder that may not apply t your hubs at all, but it won't hurt to check it out. Ruling something out is almost as helpful as ruling something in.

Here's a link: (If you scroll down below the initial description, there are bullet points that like to some good imformation.)


Christine said...

Hmmmmm..that is interesting...because he does go from high to low...and it is sudden...it can be hour to hour sometimes. I willread more on this.

Sean Anderson said...

I'm so happy to reconnect with you. When I read your writing, I read strength. I'm so glad you're working this through and even happier you're taking care of you. My best-Sean

Stephanie said...

Thank you for your update and sharing your thoughts.

However, it does worry me that your husband has been showing such abusive behaviours, and your daughters have been witness to that. I hope things truly are improving.

My name WAS Female, I shit you not! said...

Saved your Post for last and wasn't disappointed.
:0) You are "My Hero!"

Robin said...

First, I don't see these posts as complaining AT ALL. I think that you have explained what happened pretty succinctly. Anyone who has read your stuff for any length of time know that you have/had your reasons for staying. It is actually those reasons and how both of you responded to the changes that are most helpful. It helps us understand you and ourselves.

My ex and I tried counseling, but he never could admit to the counselor, me, or himself his part in how the marriage was failing. When that happens, counseling cannot work. You have to at least be open to the idea that you are contributing something to the dynamic that isn't helpful. It is only now - so many years later - that I understand my contribution was not standing up for myself. Not putting my foot down. Not drawing a line in the sand that says, "This is not tolerable behavior. This is tolerable behavior. And I simply won't accept the intolerable any longer."

I am not sure what would have happened if I had stood up and held my ground. Would he have changed or just continued doing what he was doing? I am not saying I didn't try to stand up, but he consistently mowed me over and I let him.

Just knowing that, for myself, I think will make a difference in my next relationship.

I hope you continue to share anything that you have learned about yourself and your marriage that happened during those five months that has made a difference.

Unknown said...

First time I've ever read your blog and I have to agree with the first comment. It is absolutely likely that he is cyclothmic or even bipolar. Suggesting to someone prone to mood swings and cruelty that he is mentally ill is not an easy thing to do, but for your own safety and sanity and that of your children, you must do it.

Christine said...

Well, he has been diagnosed with ptsd. And he is recieving counseling...when you talk about your life, you invite comments...and questions. He has never been physically abusive...it is difficult..and emotionally draining..and i suppose at any time, anyone can pull up stakes and leave...we havent reached that point..in fact, i think we are turning a corner..so we will see....but i diothank everyone for their concern and for listening...it helps to talkit through...it gives perspective.