You deserve to be seen and loved

I used to wake  up in the morning dreaming of a perfect life.
I would skim through conversations with my husband..
ignoring the glaring warning signs of a lack of respect...
I would excuse it..wish it away..
oh he's just hungry..
grumpy...
feeling terrible
etc.
I used to project feelings onto others
I projected loyalty, love and friendship where only scant evidence existed.
As the late, great maya angelou once said
When people show you who they are; believe them.
Not
When people show you who they are...ignore it and wish it away. lol.

One of the scariest parts of getting healthy is facing the myriad of shitty relationships you have developed.
If the people around you don't believe in you..
don't believe the best in you.
aren't there for you when you need them most..
but you keep giving and giving and giving..
in the vain hope that someday, all that giving will show them what a fantastic person you are..
that you are worthy of love or friendship.
CUT THAT SHIT OUT.
Because a real friend, or lover or family member...doesn't need you to prove anything.
They simply believe you, and in you.
IF you were raised in  a family that was a complete bag of shit...
you will have to take my word for that.
But you will never find it in people who say one thing....but then never DO what they say.
love is a verb.
It's like the boyfriend who says.
oh baby...I love you..
but never calls.
when you need to talk...he's never there.
And when you need him period..he says you are clingy.
and when he is disrespectful in his language and demeanor..
and you get upset...
you are too sensitive.
This is your classic asshole..
there is no fixing this.
he latched on to YOU...because you threw off the vibe 'needy'.
you had no boundaries..
and he knew he could use you and abuse you...and you would still try to win his affection.
Because you KNEW you had to earn love.
That is what you had been taught, and what you had accepted as your reality...
and the predator types hone in on that.
I had an epic lesson in friendship.
I won't go into details...but it involved he said/she said...
and I approached this and tried to fix things...
I was lied about..but called a liar..and I had no way to prove my veracity. A woman I had only known ONE YEAR... looked at me and said..
Chris..
I have only known you one year...but I know this.
You would not lie.
That my friends...was a friend in action.
That's what it looks like when someone bothers to stop and see you..
and this same friend had also noticed something so profound...something I thought I held secret..
I took my youngest out to dinner..
and my youngest looked at me and said..
You know mom, I have a problem..how am I ever going to give my child a better life than the one I have had...mine has been perfect.
and I cried.
and when I told my friend what sophie had said..
she said..
That was your biggest wish, and you accomplished it.
I never told her that.
she just knew.
I tell you...to be truly known by someone...man.
it's about the best feeling in the world.
Because she saw past all my sarcasm and my smart ass..
and knew deep down that my primary purpose in life was to erase..moment by moment..
my childhood..and replace it with memories of my children's childhood.
she saw in me...a person who valued her integrity..and saw in my daughter..the same.
That takes a person who cares enough to look and to see...
I go to work daily...and have a boss who sees my potential.
If you are brave enough to see where you stand...
do one thing..
stop rowing.
many times we are rowing boats in relationships.
we think we are in tandem..
but we are rowing alone...
and we are so tired...we think there must be drag.
But we stop rowing..
and the boat stops.
If you want to know the state of your relationship, whatever it may be.
Stop rowing.
If the other person picks up the oars.
You may be on to something.
If not, it's time to find a new boat.
The hardest thing about creating boundaries and watching changes in behavior as a result...is that it never really erases what you already know about the person whose behavior is changing.
You can't unknow what you know.
Because I value my integrity so highly...the knowledge that someone who purports to love you...would treat you like shit unless you say no?
um..
That doesn't strike me as love.
The healthier I get....the less bullshit I am capable of filtering.
I do believe my bullshit filter is full.
But learning to set those boundaries and demand better.
it's essential to getting well.
You will find people who love you, and see you, and value you and want to take the time to be in relationship with you...
You just have to stop putting all your energy into people who have no interest in returning the favor.
make room.
it will happen.
I will post about my trip to san antonio later in the week..
hope all is good with you!
With love,
Chris out.

Fat is a self imposed prison

I Remember talking to a skinny friend once...and I said:  Don't you ever just want to eat till you get sick? She said...no?
I couldn't understand her..I thought she was lying.  Really.

I was thinking the other night, of how many things I passed up...or didn't do...because I either had no knowledge that they were 'a good thing', or that I deserved them.

I talked about actively failing...Now I want to talk about living down to expectations.
I didn't know that I didn't know...
The idea that I should expect more from a spouse, or that I had the capability to not only be thin....but I could be thin, and happy and excelling in a career while having a child and a happy home..
I didn't think to expect a nice home...
or nice furnishings.
My bar was set low.
too low...for what I now know my capabilities are..
deep down, I believed I DESERVED to be minimized...so that when it happened....it didn't even sound an alarm.
My messy house didn't ring any bells...because although I came up in a nearly spotless environment...I accepted less because deep down I couldn't see me as an organized and capable person.
Any moment of happy was diminished by the expectation of foreboding..
Because I truly believed that nothing good could come to me without the law of averages coming through to level the playing field.
So I never truly enjoyed a victory..
I never asked for more..
or expected more.
My fat was a self imposed prison....it blocked me from a world of possibility.
It was a self perpetuating reality...
I projected a version of me that ensured people didn't expect too much...because deep down, I didn't expect too much.
The only thing that has kept me in bad relationships...sub par surroundings and a less than stellar body...is me.
It was all I knew...
Below is a video about beagles...who spent their whole lives in a lab being tested.
And then one day..
these people bought these beagles and freed them...
and while many enjoyed their freedom..
there were a few who 're-crated' because all that possibility..
all that freedom..
it was just too much.
If you don't want to watch the whole thing...fast forward till about 4 minutes in I think...it's a depressing addend to the video...but it is reality.
In my book...that is the essence of regain...
You don't know what to do with all that possibility.
The idea that all this was at your fingertips...you could have had it years ago...
the idea that this could apply to other areas?!
holy shit.
Where's my box!
It's overwhelming...especially if, deep down...you still believe you deserve every shitty thing that ever happened...because you think that there is something wrong with you.
(or if life hadn't handed you additional shit...you were carrying that old, shit filled litter box around. Smelling up the place and causing everyone around you to avoid you...because your shit was stinking up the place.)
If you haven't whittled that out..
regain is inevitable...
because it was how you cut yourself off from the pain of existence and the pain of what your mind kept telling you...
You will re-crate.
you will regain...
until you learn to love and believe in yourself.
until you learn to see your possibilities..and not view yourself through the lens of broken people and situations.
You will continue to live a substandard life...unless you shred the tape...get rid of false dichotomies, expect more and believe you deserve what you work to achieve...you will continue to live in disappointment and stagnation.

You are capable of much more than you think.
I know I was...
and am...
I had a moment three days ago while riding in my car..
and I said "Ooooh Chris, what you could have done!"
Then I realized I am not dead yet.
The best bit starts now.



With  Love,
Chris out.

Cashier chronicles: The victory edition

Hey guys, I am so sorry I haven't written...I've been jumping out my ass.
lol.
okay..
so when last I wrote...I was all..I gotta write every day..
and then things got crazy at work...long hours.
and Then I wanted to spend time with soph...and writing letters and working out and all that..
I just don't have time to blog.
Not like I used to..

But here is the big news...
8 months ago, I was really devastated.
My marriage wasn't where I thought it was...
I was told that because someone else made the money... I needed to keep the house to his standard.
I didn't have any job or ability (I thought) to get one..
so I went door to door till I found one.
The dollar tree.
I told the manager Mary that even though all I had on my application was dog sitter..
I would be the best employee she ever had...
and she hired me.
The plan...work there till I could get a teller position at a bank.

So for 8 months I have slopped at the cashier trough.
I have busted my ass...gotten to know myself as a person who works and is respected at work.
I have never called in, never been late...never been written up..
I have done extra duty...stayed overtime..
spoke ill of no one and helped everyone.

I have earned minimum wage...
We are not morons who just push a button...
we do a lot..
and I have gotten to know a lot of very good people who get paid very shitty wages.
And yesterday,
my boss approached me
and asked me..
'Have you ever thought about being a manager?"
and I said.
yes.
and there is that moment where you don't know what to do with your hands.
put them on your hips...
keep them out of your pockets. (definitely)
cross them in front of you? (I chose this)
It's the Sean Anderson dilemma of what to do with your hands when your picture is being taken.
magnified.
She said..
let's see if you can merchandise..
and she gave me a table.
and told me to take anything from anywhere and make it look good.
AND THAT IS WHAT I DO!
It's what i have done as a mother and an artist for years..the same ability that was not appreciated, is what has gotten me noticed!
And she came back two hours later..
and I had my fourth of july table together.
She said "That looks fantastic'.
I just have to show up early...leave later..
and eventually..
(I think this is going to involve the departure of one of our managers)
I will be training to be a night manager.
It's been 8 months.
I feel great guys.
I walked two miles per day the last two days..
my calories are sitting at 1460 for today..
1700 yesterday.
But yesterday was a huge personal victory.

And coming home...
and telling my husband that my manager wanted to make me a manager.
let's just say it was a good moment.
keep on keeping on people.
with Love,
Chris out.

Cashier Chronicles:The 'no bully' zone

Well, back to the store again..
Tonight was good...for the most part.
I like helping people find things they need...
That's the fun part..
The not so fun part...angry and aggressive people who think I'll be intimidated by angry and or aggressive behavior.
lol!
So, I am checking this woman out...
She has six cups she's purchased.
or is trying to purchase...I work at a dollar store people...
and she says...are they 59 cents?
I say "No ma'am, they are ringing up at a dollar."
She says, "The sign back there says they are 59 cents"
I say, "Well ma'am, they are ringing up one dollar."
She says "Do you want me to get you the sign?"

(everyone freeze....do I want her to get me the sign...no.
Why in the hell would I want her to get me the sign?  What does that prove?  That she has a sign that says 59 cents...we have more than one type of coke glass...she is all aggressive...and the way she said it was..Do you WANT me to GET YOU the SIGN?!!!! back to regularly scheduled programming.)

All this time I was simply staring at her..maybe five seconds.  I say, "ma'am, I don't want you to get me the sign..even if the sign says they are 59 cents...I can't change the price. "
She says..."I can go GET the sign."
I say (Now lol...this was probably rude)" I have no way of changing the price...the reason it's priced 1 dollar is because at some point, a manager, using a pricing gun..pointed it at the bottom of one of those cups and typed in one dollar. I don't have the power to change that. But if you would like me to take it off your ticket I can...I will void out your order and start over, then you can wait for my manager to be done cashing out the other cashier...and you can ask her."
"Is that what you would like to do?"
She just nodded.
I don't know if she goes through life expecting her little fits to get her things...but she ran into me...not going to happen.
My boss walks her over and explains that it was the little coke glasses are the ones that are 59 cents.  I have no doubt that was very apparent and she thought she could bully a cashier into accepting the price by being obnoxious.
yeah. not happening.
She told the manager I was mean. Lololololol.
and then I am attempting to put things  away and mr. smooth ( some black dude who was trying to be smooth.) said and I quote "hey little mama, come here..come here."
I am obligated to help a customer.
So I say "Can I help you find something?"
He says..."Yeah, maybe..say...your pretty..."
NOw, I can remember when this would have made me anxious.
NOw I am just irritated.
I stand there looking at him.
He says.
"who broke your heart."
I say
"I am married."
he says "Oh..."
"well then.."
(I feel no need to fill in the silence)
I say, "do you need some help?"
He says..."no, no thank you ...I got it."

I didn't work out today...Worst day of tom..cramps and irritable.
lol
my calories came in at 1520..
food dead on.
Good day other than that..
and me and my boss had a great time tonight swapping stories.
so it's all good.
hope all was good with you as well.
with love,
Chris out.

How to avoid a binge

Hello all..
day 4
Yesterday wasn't all that hard...today was tougher.
NO sleep last night because of post nasal drip.
Early workday...
But I had a plan and worked it...
cliff bar..1rst meal
two eggs and one whole grain egg muffin (studiously avoiding white flour)
and one cup of coffee @ 40 cals for the creamer...measured.
Grand total for morning hours 570 calories..
because I worked from 9-2...I only have a ten minute break...so I knew I wouldn't eat for five hours.
When I got out of work...I was right next to the panda express...I knew Ihad to work out and that I was hungry.
(I could have down a 600 calorie panda bowl...putting me at 1130 calories...and I thought..
that would leave me with a paltry 370-470 for the rest of day...and I still had to work out!
heck no.)
So I went home, still sitting at 570 calories...had 1.8 ounces of cheese and a banana...and a cup of coffee. (my second cup for the day...(today I measured 80 calories for creamer total) 360 calories..
NOw I am sitting at 930 calories.
I work out..2.5 mile walk...40 deep wide legged squats, 100 situps, 50 pound benchpress 36 times and 30 bicep curls with 10 lb weights.

I go home...Now I am hungry..it's 6 o clock...
I eat another ounce of cheese (need to get laughing cow..)
I am at 1030
I make beddar cheddar sausages, egg noodles and salad.
I eat two sausage links 440 calories...and the other half of my plate is salad with 2 tablespoons of dressing 80 calories...1600 calories.
I'm done for the night...right?
yeah...it's 9 o clock..
Sophie wants a sobee and tim wants a candy bar....
I agree to go up.
And my addict mind kicks in...
you have been good three days in a row...it's day four...have a big bowl of popcorn...you can start over tomorrow..
* other half of my brain
but wouldn't you rather have something sweet
(when it comes to my food...unless i actively seek it..I HAVE NO GOOD ANGEL.)
Well (I think to myself) If I were going to have something sweet..I'd have a peanut butter cup...no no..that peanut butter candy bar...reece's peanut butter candy bar..
(I don't know if you've seen this...it's around six hundred calories..and it's shaped like a hershey's..only inside each link...there's peanut butter)
Then rational dieting Chris inserts her voice...(I'm still driving...this is key)
Do you really want to do this...you got to the gym and your feet hurt, you were sore and tired as hell. You did it anyway...you did a great workout..do you really want to ruin it..or eat the calories you burned?
addict Me....it's only one day.
authentic me:  One day is momentum or stalling
addict me: not alot to say on that one.
authentic me:  how will you feel if you do this.
addict me:  It will taste good.
authentic me: then it will sit like lead in your stomach
addict me: Well, then maybe you could get a small peanut butter cup..do they sell such a thing?
(looking at this..I am glad I am 10 miles from the store)
authentic me: If you are going to do that, you might as well have a peanut butter cliff bar.
addict me:  If you are going to do THAT, then what's the point at all.
authentic me: EXACTLY!
and I win.
I bought nothing but a diet root beer.
Tim got his candy bar..sophie got her life water.
I got the satisfaction of putting one more day between me and my excuses.
What would have blown this scenario out of the water?
Having either of those things in the house.
Don't do it.
turning on the radio to tune out my inner voice.
that could have done it...
talking to myself is a major way I skip listening to my inner voice....
If I am about to eat something, I will busy my mind with a problem I am having....and then I don't have think about it.
It's intentional.
That, my friends, is the inner dialogue..
that is the struggle..
It's as simple as saying no
and as hard as saying no.
With love,
Chris out.

Good enough days

Hello all,
Day 3 in weight loss country.
I made it to the gym and did 50 minutes on the elliptical..
It's the precor elliptical...I don't do machine assisted ellipticals..I don't feel they give a good workout.
anywhoozle.
Day 3 is where I have usually fizzled in the last year...
I have two great days...one crappy day...followed by a mediocre week..
then two great days and so on...
It's the "I earned it"  feeling you get when you eat well and exercise for two consecutive days.
You say, "Just for today, I will have a little extra."
You know you aren't digging a hole...you have calorie deficit..
so you won't gain.
Or conversely, you eat more than intended..you feel you messed up anyways...so why not just go whole hog and start again tomorrow...aka perfectionism.
Then tomorrow never comes..
or it becomes monday..or friday...or the beginning of the following month.
There is no correct day.
The correct day to begin to achieve your goals is now.
And if you mess up one meal...
it's the next meal...not the next day.

But you also aren't getting any closer to your ultimate goal.
So typically, day 3 is hard for me..
But having wrapped last night  up in a neat little bow...
I approached today with twice the determination because I know me.
I ate 1730 calories today..
But I consider it a win.
I will tell you why..
gummy vitamins 35
I ate 1 cliff bar..250 calories
I ate 3 eggs 1 toast 300 calories
I ate 2 to 2.5 ounces of cheese and 10 crackers (here is where I made my error)350
2 cups of coffee with creamer (I round to 100)

Now, by the time I came to dinner....I had practically forgotten about the cheese and crackers.
It's not hard to do...get busy and it happens.

I had 8 oz of steak on my plate (tenderloin...boy was it tasty) 650 calories as it sat
I had a very small potato with just light sour cream on it...
120 tops.
four asparagus spears and some mushrooms 60 calories

I began to eat my steak and half way through it...realized my mistake..
and took the last two or three ounces and gave it to the dog..
I had taken two bites of my small potato...threw the rest away.
and ate the asparagus.
I estimate I ate around 500 calories of steak...50 calories of potato...50 calories of asparagus..
so, 1670....then I rounded up by 50 incase I ate more than 2.5 ounces....which I doubt.
I burned 500...so my caloric total was 1230...or enough to sustain a 123 lb female.
I had a deficit of around 500 to 550 calories for the day.

I used to have a perfectionist mindset.
If it wasn't perfect...then screw it...binge and start again tomorrow.
realizing I could stop mid snack or mid meal and just not eat the rest is not something I used to do...
You can stop at any time.
Your day deosn't have to be perfect for it to be a success...
having a deficit is a success...
tying this day off in a bow with a deficit is a success.
Letting tomorrow be it's own day with a clean slate will be a success.
Don't let perfectionism ruin your 'good enough day."

IF you allow yourself to believe that the only effort that is worthy is a perfect effort, you will never lose the weight...because imperfect days happen..because they are created by imperfect people.
Some days will be stellar, some will be good enough...and some will be plain awful.
The majority of your days will be good enough days.
YOu get maybe five stellar days a month....it's the good enough days that get you where you want to go....
day after day after day.
let it go and move on to the next day.
It will happen.
With love,
Chris out.

Cashier Chronicles: Because I must

Okay,
So any of my long term blog followers know that I went out and got a job...A job as a cashier.

IN the process...I have learned there are truly good people..

and there are some real assholes.
And to ensure I don't pop a blood vessel...I write..
I write because I must.

I had one big asshole right out the gate tonight
This woman runs her ebt card.

it's declined.
It has 8.50 cents on it.
I say, "ma'am, your balance is 8.50 cents."
She says, "Fine, just run it for 10."

Me-"Your balance is 8.50 cents."

Her- "Just run it on cash for 10'.
I hit debit.
It's declined again.
She says, "I said run it on cash."
I say "ma'am, I can't run it on anything but debit and credit, food and cash is on your side."
She says, "You should have told me."

She had to hit the food button twice to get her first piss poor result.
The cash button is right underneath it.
I can't help you...if you can't help yourself.

you ma'am...are the asshole.

Then I have a man I have nicknamed stucky (because he hits on women who can't hit back) come through my line.
he comes through my line every.single.night.
HE is short...and obnoxious.
He began coming through my line about a month ago...
and he would say demeaning things...
Things like, "Well, at least you are minimally educated.'

And then he began  trying to flirt.
HE is annoying.
and tonight he came through and paid in pennies.
I am glad that I have cultivated patience over the last six months..
throat punching an angry, dwarf like man would probably get me fired.

Food and exercise.
Both were good today...
I ate 1630 calories...
consisting of
1 cliff bar 250
3 eggs 1 toast 300
kung pao chicken panda powl 600 calories
1 dark cherry kind bar 180
2 bell peppers 1 carrot and 1/4 cup of low fat french onion dip.  200 calories
2 cups of coffee with half and half...(less than 1/4 cup) 100 cals.
(I round up with this to be safe.)

Exercise
2 mile walk and 100 sit ups
36 chest presses with 2 (25 lbs) dumbells .....free weights.
so 50 pounds 36 times.

and stretching.
Tomorrow it's back on the elliptical.
mentally, I have to remind myself that today is over.
It doesn't earn me anything tomorrow.
Tomorrow is whole and complete unto itself.
I will fail or succeed tomorrow...
I succeeded today...
and that success is over once my head hits the pillow.
Have a great night guys.
With love,
Chris

eliminating and overcoming obstacles

So,
I ran two days where I went long at work...
I had to grocery shop yesterday...the two days prior were good tests for my schedule/eating issues..
I have a few.
Number 1..
making sure I Have groceries is imperative.
making time to shop
not so easy.
But I went yesterday...
Today was the first day in three days I got to the gym..
The prior two days (I worked two doubles..)
Were also good days to ensure that I get my workout done by 8 in the morning...in case.
In case I work a double..
having food that is in my car and healthy and readily available is imperative.
Having ready made food in my fridge to take with me...imperative.
otherwise at 8 at night you end up blowing everything by eating two slices of cold pizza..
maybe calorically or maybe not..
but certainly not how or what I want to eat.
#dietaryfail
Today I had the day off...
So, it was easy to eat correctly, and exercise.
I ate three eggs and a piece of toast.
one cliff bar
one banana
and four homemade crispy tacos with lettuce and tomato and cheese
I am sitting at 1550 for the day.
I burned 500 calories by doing 50 minutes on the elliptical..
and then when I got home..
I stripped and waxed my car.
Which took hours.
I'll take a pic tomorrow..
looks pretty.
and here's a little inspiration for you...after watching this guy...it really puts your excuses in perspective.

Day one...year zero and brutal honesty

It's time...like Sean Anderson likes to say...to up my importance level regarding my diet and exercise.

So many other things have taken precedence...
Finding a job..learning to defend myself.
Learning to love myself as I am...
Learning to let go of fear.

It's going to be interesting to see my attitude towards calorie restriction now.
I got to the mid 150's and I began to have a great deal of fear...
I have done a lot of head work since then..
so It's time to go back in and see what happens...
I have to be completely honest about every calorie..
weighing and measuring ever calorie.
and posting it here..as well as how I feel daily.
every day is day one..
no coasting on yesterday's success..
no planning on 'getting back to it' tomorrow.

It's called accountability..
I stopped weighing in 2011 because of the fear..
I will start again in three months..August 1rst..
If I feel that fear again...it's time for some therapy.
I think I've conquered it...
but then again...I thought i had peeled all the layers...when I had one big one left to peel
It's always the big ones we leave for last..isn't it?
so...here we go...will post tomorrow.
keep me accountable.
IF you don't see me posting..
if i don't post my food..
skip my workout..
call me out.
with love,
Chris