Ever since I had my final revelation about my reticence to lose weight...I have still been reticent to lose weight...
fat chris was someone I had lived with since I was 12.
Fat Chris could fall into a plate of food when the world went to shit, even if it was only once a month.
I had a very good friend...I wouldn't hesitate to say my best friend really...tell me to talk to my husband because she didn't want me falling into a chocolate binge...
That is when someone knows you..when they know who you are..your weakness...and they love and respect you anyways and you love and respect them right back.
well, she was right.
That was the reason I started this challenge..
It isn't about perfection..it's about facing my addiction to being fat.
It isn't an addiction to food.
It is my addiction to the wall I have created..and the tool I chose to create the wall.
and I am saying goodbye to it in a letter.
I have been trying to write this for three or four days.
It has been difficult to do because letting go of what you know is hard.
Letting go of that last lifeline to your raft of excuses...
It's the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
so here goes:
Dear Fat me,
I have been clinging to these last 20 pounds like a child clings to a security blanket.
You have been my shield, my excuse, my wall and my comfort.
You kept me at a safe distance from life..
It's a distance I no longer want, need or desire.
I have been able to regain weight and then lose weight..the same weight..because deep down...I knew that letting go of you would make me accountable.
Once that weight is gone and I can no longer use food to numb my emotions..
then I have to face them...not just sometimes...but at all times.
Once you are gone...rejection becomes about me.
Once you are gone..my ability to deflect from my lack of progress in other areas of my life is GONE.
My weight has become a kind of fat clutter that I keep moving around to distract me from my reality.
I can no longer use YOU as an excuse to not move forward in other parts of my life...LIKE MY ART.
You see, I have been using you as a reason to put off becoming what I envision because I am afraid to try and fail.
What if I draw and nobody likes it..
better to keep yo yoing up and down the scale than to face that particular fear, right?
Life is too short.
I can no longer allow fear to keep me going in circles while precious moments drift away.
mediocre is no longer good enough.
I will no longer use you as a shield against unwanted male attention.
I will face it and move on.
I am grown now and can defend myself.
I don't need you for that anymore.
I don't need you to protect me from me either.
I have a conscience and a spirit.
I know right from wrong and I trust myself.
I will no longer use 'useful fat me' as a prop to rid myself of responsibility for my health...my health must be a top priority..
without it, I am of no use to anyone.
Taking care of me IS taking care of my family.
My family needs a whole and healthy me..
Not half of me...while the other half hides in the past.
I am ready to be as God created me...
I am ready to move out into the world as a whole person..no walls..no excuses..
am I afraid?
Will that stop me?
And no, I won't miss you.
p.s. weigh in is around the corner guys....be ready.