2.20.2012

Good bye to Fat Chris

Ever since I had my final revelation about my reticence to lose weight...I have still been reticent to lose weight...
you see..
fat chris was someone I had lived with since I was 12.
Fat Chris could fall into a plate of food when the world went to shit, even if it was only once a month.
I had a very good friend...I wouldn't hesitate to say my best friend really...tell me to talk to my husband because she didn't want me falling into a chocolate binge...
That is when someone knows you..when they know who you are..your weakness...and they love and respect you anyways and you love and respect them right back.
well, she was right.
That was the reason I started this challenge..
It isn't about perfection..it's about facing my addiction to being fat.
It isn't an addiction to food.
It is my addiction to the wall I have created..and the tool I chose to create the wall.
and I am saying goodbye to it in a letter.
I have been trying to write this for three or four days.
It has been difficult to do because letting go of what you know is hard.
Letting go of that last lifeline to your raft of excuses...
It's the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

so here goes:

Dear Fat me,
Goodbye.
I have been clinging to these last 20 pounds like a child clings to a security blanket.
You have been my shield, my excuse, my wall and my comfort.
You kept me at a safe distance from life..
It's a distance I no longer want, need or desire.
I have been able to regain weight and then lose weight..the same weight..because deep down...I knew that letting go of you would make me accountable.
Once that weight is gone and I can no longer use food to numb my emotions..
then I have to face them...not just sometimes...but at all times.
Once you are gone...rejection becomes about me.
Once you are gone..my ability to deflect from my lack of progress in other areas of my life is GONE.
My weight has become a kind of fat clutter that I keep moving around to distract me from my reality.
I can no longer use YOU as an excuse to not move forward in other parts of my life...LIKE MY ART.
You see, I have been using you as a reason to put off becoming what I envision because I am afraid to try and fail.
What if I draw and nobody likes it..
better to keep yo yoing up and down the scale than to face that particular fear, right?
Wrong.
Life is too short.
I can no longer allow fear to keep me going in circles while precious moments drift away.
mediocre is no longer good enough.
I will no longer use you as a shield against unwanted male attention.
I will face it and move on.
I am grown now and can defend myself.
I don't need you for that anymore.
I don't need you to protect me from me either.
I have a conscience and a spirit.
I know right from wrong and I trust myself.
I will no longer use 'useful fat me' as a prop to rid myself of responsibility for my health...my health must be a top priority..
without it, I am of no use to anyone.
Taking care of me IS taking care of my family.
My family needs a whole and healthy me..
Not half of me...while the other half hides in the past.
I am ready to be as God created me...
I am ready to move out into the world as a whole person..no walls..no excuses..
am I afraid?
Yes.
Will that stop me?
No.
And no, I won't miss you.
Chris out.

p.s. weigh in is around the corner guys....be ready.

10 comments:

Beginning Anew said...

Okay - this is too bizarre - I wrote a letter to the fat me tonight too. And though it's not finished - I posted what I had and was going to read a few blogs and go to bed. I am in tears now as I read yours and there are some similar things. Maybe this is more universal than I realize. Anyway, I am not where you are physically, I still have many pounds to go, but mentally the old me is rising up and challenging the overweight me. Most days the thinner me wins, I don't know why but she is back with a vengeance. However, I still have the heavy me lurking around trying to keep a foot in the door. I want to be kind but firm, she must go away.

I wish you the best as you continue your journey. You have been and continue to be a hero to me.

Kim

Joy said...

Way to go Chris, I know that was hard!! But sooo freeing!!

Keep up the awesome work. You will reach your goals!!

Stay focused!

'Yellow Rose' Jasmine said...

Being free is so beautiful... probably the most beautiful thing that God has bestowed upon us. I know this was so difficult for you. Your life is about to be inconceivably amazing. I can feel it. Everything you go through, even the tough stuff, will reap you the reward of a fabulous life. Thanks for the honesty and the reality. As always, so refreshing.

Linda Pressman said...

Chris, I was in an OA meeting the other day and someone said that once she called her sponsor and wanted to eat something, cake or whatever, one of her binge foods. And her sponsor told her to go ahead and eat it, but first to pray to it because that food had become her higher power, not God. Of course, she never ate the food, but it's very interesting the things we can put in the way of what's really bothering us and pretend their an obsession about food when really they're a living problem, a spiritual problem, or a hole that can't be filled with stuff.

Rettakat said...

Another corner turned... another break through. I'm glad for you, Chris. :-)

Sean Anderson said...

Absolutely beautiful. Incredible, Chris. Very important. Thank you!!

E. Jane said...

I believe that you have discovered one of the secrets of overweight people. Losing weight means becoming who we really are--accountable and exposed to the world. It frightens us, and rightly so, after many years of being hidden, even to ourselves. That's why this is a process of self-discovery--and often a confusing, painful one--until we figure it out.

Anne H said...

I bounced around all year last year - literally and figuratively... we really have nothing to fear!

prairieprincess said...

Hi. I am a brand new subscriber to your blog. I love this. It is so profound and true. I am struggling with letting go with this protection I have had for so long, and still have. Thanks for sharing this with the world.

Hanlie said...

I'm weeks behind, but I'm glad that I decided to catch up! This post rang a bell for me, Chris. I think I've used my fat as a get-out-of-life-free card. Mmm, I'm going to have to ponder that a great deal more. Thanks for sharing your process so generously!