Question 2...who defines me.

I define me.
I used to allow others to define me...
In fact, I didn't see that there was another way at all...
I thought that was how you went through life.
That other people defined you, and you reacted to that definition.
I was a mother, because I have two children..
and I had an idea..put there by many other people..popular culture..books.
About what a 'good mother' looks like.
A 'good mother' always puts her children first.
Now..I still believe that...but there are many ways to put your children first.
I was a wife.
I would think..
A good wife is a rock, she never complains...
my fault was not what I thought...they were good thoughts..
It was the application that was lacking.
I would put my children first by never taking any time for myself.
I would think..."taking time for myself is just selfish'.
I don't have the time to take for myself.
Now, I had time for television...I had time to talk on the phone. I had time to read.
I would volunteer to help in extracurricular activites..
But I didn't have time for my health?
What my children ended up with, was a mother that was always present..
but barely moved.
I used to think that being a good wife meant never complaining.
Never saying no.
Never putting my foot down.
What that earned me was a husband who took my work and presence for granted.
You don't notice a rug you wipe your feet on, do you?
I always wanted to be the nice compliant friend, the sounding board...
I never had anyone to talk to..
Because I never talked to anyone.
You may not believe this..but you are either defining yourself..or you are allowing yourself to be defined.
You teach people what to expect and how to treat you.
At any moment..you can make a new choice.
Always the go to girl?
ever think of saying no?
You know, I don't have the time right now.
Ever say to your 15 year old..."Sorry I can't drive you to the mall...hang out for two hours and then drive you back home because I have to go to the gym...maybe sunday..on my rest day.
Or, sorry..can't make 5 dozen cookies for the carnival...to do that, I would have to put me on the back burner..and my health cannot afford that.
Your kids need you..some people need to hear the word no...and you have the right to want more.
If you can't tell people what you want..you have lost yourself.
If you can't make yourself a priority...
You will have a very hard time taking the weight off and keeping it off.
Because the first time someone says no to you..says you owe them..says you should be focusing there and not on you...you will believe it.
Good people who don't have boundaries are invariably surrounded by people used to the situation.
Somewhere along the way,  you told yourself you were worth LESS than the people around you.
That your needs are not as important and not as special.
When you begin to reach for something..the people around you will become uncomfortable.
They will want stasis.
If  you can't say no...you will slide back.
You have to say no repeatedly...You have to exhibit determination..REPEATEDLY.
Don't allow anyone to talk down to you...youdon't deserve it.
Don't allow anyone to treat you as if you aren't worth the effort.
Don't ever allow someone to lay a hand on you.
Don't allow yourself to be a doormat.
I made me a priority. 
I said no.
I began to reach for what I wanted...and in the process I learned to encourage my kids to do the same.
Yes, I still drive them..I still work hard to give them advantages.
But they have learned that they don't have to put themselves last...that what they want is important and by doing that, they learn that other people's opinions and dreams and wants are important as well.
Not just theirs.
I think women are very susceptible to this particular malady...especially Christian women.
fill yourself so you can fill others...
Be yourself, so you don't have to pull out the person you need for a particular situation..but can just be authentic.
And allow the people who don't like the real you to fall by the wayside.
Better to be rejected for who you are than accepted for who you are not.
Have a great night guys.
Chris out.


'Yellow Rose' Jasmine said...

What great guidelines. I'm so glad this all seems like common sense to me now. There was plenty of time when it would have been so foreign to me. Lots of great reminders and connections here.

Retta said...

Agree with it all. 100%.
Every line. Every word.
Every dotted i and crossed T!!

I wish every woman out there could read this and believe it, and believe they too are worth it. One of your most powerful posts, ever.

Anonymous said...

Great post, great perspective.

Quiltingranny said...

Amazing post! I have always abided by the rule, I don't have time to get caught up in others drama. I am who God made me so please don't try to make me someone I am not. Oh how much easier life would be if everyone got this wonderful point you are teaching!

carla said...

I define me too.


Jack Sh*t, Gettin Fit said...

You must have done something to piss me off, because I tagged you in this silly post: http://jackfit.blogspot.com/2012/02/11-questions-11-answers-and-11-lb-loss.html Don't ever do it again!

Putz said...


bbubblyb said...

What a terrific post Chris, I have struggled with this my whole life. Funny that's it's been a lot of things my kids have said that have opened my eyes. So maybe I've done something right even though I haven't always done right by myself. I'm working on being "me" though and definitely liking the real me better than the old me.