The things you want to say...

You just can't say...
Kate turned 18 today.
I let her skip school...and we hung out at the mall.
And I wanted to say so many things to her....but all I could think of to say was:
I'm glad I had you..
And she said..
I am glad it was you that had me.

She is leaving soon...going to college in august.

I held her 18 years ago today and looked down into her little face...

and realized that I didn't know a damn thing about how to be a parent.

I just knew what I wanted for her..

and set out from there to try and make all those things happen.

I wanted her to see the world, or as much of it as I could squeeze in..

I wanted her to have a happy childhood..

to fly kites.

to swim and make friends.

To explore and believe anything was possible..

and when the time came to move on, I wanted her to face it with no fear.
She has been to europe, and canada and 38 states...
She knows what she wants to be...a doctor of zoology.
She has no fear...
She knows how much she is loved.
I feel like I did what I set out to do..
and that feels good...
and a little sad...

I was making her cake last night..

And I realized it was the last cake I would make while she lived at home.

And most of me wishes that each cake I made throughout the years had the same level finality as this one.

Because each year, once gone..is gone forever.

It becomes a memory.

I am glad that early on I decided to remind myself daily that each moment was a gift..

EAch time I held my children...

Each time I read her a story.

Or talked with her.

That would be a unique time..

Something that will not be repeated.

Raising Kate has given me a second childhood.

It has healed many things in me...

It has shown me what unconditional love looks like...

and feels like.

You can't say all that..and even if you could say all that..

You could never make them understand what it feels like.

God's greatest gift is a child.
I hope someday kate recieves the same gift...
lol...not for a while though.