I wrote in a previous post that one of the ways I keep my motivation is by personalizing my fat. Patty from 'fit by my 50th" seemed to like the idea and has named hers Bertha (seems to be a good name...lol, apologies to all Bertha's). I hadn't really thought of a name until I had a dream the other night. (Before, I just made it an unwanted guest or an other). In my dream, I entered into this beautiful Victorian house. I walked through, and it wasn't really decorated...It was empty for the most part. Anyway, I walked out onto the back porch and there in the backyard was my older brother. He was sleeping on the ground. I asked him why. He said "Bossy wont let me sleep inside". I said, "But this is YOUR HOUSE." Then I asked when 'bossy' was getting back. My brother said soon, so I went back into the house to wait. Well, when bossy showed up, it was my mom's second husband...the one who raised us until I was twelve and my older brother was fifteen, so most of our lives. I don't call him dad because he doesn't deserve the title. I looked at him and said. "Get out, take your things and leave. You aren't going to do that to my brother anymore. I am here now, so you go". And then he left. When I woke up, even I realised this was hugely symbolic and a great big victory for me. Whenever he was in my dreams before, he was hunting me. I was always hiding. When we were little he was so mean that if he stared at me too long, I would pee my pants. He was vicious and violent. In this dream, I took back my 'house'. It has to mean my body. It has to mean my life. He is a large part of the reason I have the issues I have with food. Everything from making me sit for hours to eat stuff he had put there, to terrorizing everyone at the dinner table by randomly smacking you in the head if you did something he didn't like. He never spoke or warned, just wham, out of nowhere. I had an instantaneous duck reflex for years because of that. I would name my fat *his name* but won't-only for one reason. My little brother bears the same name, and he is just one of the best people in the whole world. So I hereby dub my fat 'bossy'. I am kicking it out of my house.
Before bossy told me not to wear fitted clothes. Bossy told me that going to a swimming pool with my kids would embarrass both me and them. Bossy has stopped me from wearing shorts for ten years or short sleeved shirts. Bossy is the cause of all those rude comments and stares. Bossy caused a rift in my marriage and has stymied my ability to be the best mom I could be. Bossy represents HIM, and I can't think of anybody I want to have around LESS than Bossy.
So, enough childhood crap. I walked 3 miles today after going to walmart and petsmart. Before I started walking two months ago, I never would have been able to shop and then go for a walk, I would have been too wiped out. I also by-passed a dorito challenge and a potato chip throwdown that came from the back seat of my mini van. My children innocently asked if I wanted some. I accepted one potato chip, and I sucked on it until it disintegrated...then when I got home, I logged the ten calories. yeah for me. Tommorrow is my little one's eighth birthday. We are having a roller skating party. I did this cause it beats the usual *eat and watch tv* party we usually throw. I am trying to incorporate a more active lifestyle for my whole family. I think it will be a good time.
I hope you all had an awesome day, got your exercise and have kicked the bossies out of your life.
smiles and hugs,