Okay, so yesterday was learning how to ask for help. It was strictly from my point of view up to 2005. I am now looking back at my life from my current age of 35. Not so far advanced, but alot further than I was a few years ago. It may have seemed, in my last post..that all my issues were my husbands fault. This however is not true, in fact...it is the opposite of true. My problems stemmed from my never accepting responsibility for what I will and won't allow in my life. My trip to vegas was the beginning of a three year odyssey in which I learned to set- everyone say it with me....BOUNDARIES. Where do you draw the line? It factors into every decision we make.
My husband and I have been married for 16 years, as I said before, I was very young when I married, my husband was 6 years older. When he married me, I was a size 8 and employed. We were and still are, very right for each other. I never wanted a man who was always in my pocket. He wanted an independant minded woman. We mesh on a great many things. We married and we found out we were pregnant a month later. I gained 50 lbs while pregnant. I was very needy, moody and clingy. after I had my oldest I went through a period of post partum depression. The weight I put on then, never came off. I went from a person my husband had fallen in love with to an almost completely different person in nine months. NOt to mention after the baby and the changes that come with that. Neither of us were prepared, in any real way, to be married. We had both been brought up in broken homes. Each of us suffered from disappointed expectations. However, my husband was always able to express his disappointments and I kept mine inside. The last three years was a process of telling the truth to myself, (that I had at least a 50 percent stake in our problems) and that if I was ever going to live the life I wanted, I was going to have to start telling people how I really felt, what I really wanted and not being a fraid to do that.
I told tim that I couldn't put up with him being gone all the time, that I was tired of being a single mother and without a husband. It led to huge fights but after 21 years in the service he got out. He had a drinking related incident, and I told him that I could no longer put up with his drinking. He stopped. IF he hadn't then I would have had to make the decision to leave. I told him that too. I also apologized for getting so fat, and for not keeping the house like I should have. It was a hard thing to say, as you would imagine. Our marriage has improved because I took steps to improve it. My life has improved because I saw it honestly, I evaluated honestly and have begun setting out to make my life what I want it to be, instead of blaming everyone else for how it is or isn't. The only thing you can control in life is you.
My moment of truth about my weight came when I was standing in a build abear workshop and for the first time, I saw me as I truly was. It was like ZIP. I am back in my body...that is me. I am fat. I wasn't clueless, I knew I was pudgy, round or chubby. All the euphamisms you use to sugar coat what you have done to yourself. This time, there was no sugar coating it. I was suddenly humiliated. I looked fat, sweaty and sloppy. There was no escape, I was stuck there with my daughter's girl scout troop. I was so red people were asking me what was wrong. I just said I don't like crowds. That was the day I woke up. I think the reason people fail at weight loss is because they are able to lie to themselves. Oh, I don't look bad. I am healthy. I am not that fat. This is the same reason people don't want pictures taken, it's because a picture will show them what they really look like. They don't want to see it. But, you have to remember...that picture is the truth...it's what you look like, everyday, to everyone around you. IF you are afraid someone you know will see your picture, just know this, they already know what you look like. Everyone does. My weight loss never worked before because I always thought, deep down, that I was fine...just needed to lose a few pounds and I would be back to my old self. I also avoided picture taking like the plague. I never weighed myself. What I really needed was a wake up call. God always provides what you need, you just have to be listening for it. Sometimes, if you don't listen..he will whack you right over the head.
Step two for getting unfat...be brutally honest. Honest about the people who support you and the people who don't. Sometimes this includes people you would rather not admit to. For me, I had to admit that my mom and I were never going to be as close as i would wish. So, when speaking with her, I don't invite the kind of comments that would make me feel like bashing my head into a brick wall. Sometimes you have to put a stop to behavior that makes you feel like crap, this might mean some huge knock down drag out fights. Is it upsetting? oh yeah. will you use food to self medicate, maybe if you are feeling weak you might. But whatever it takes, you have to put the world around you right. If you continue to make excuses for toxic people and allow them to eat away at you, it is going to make your weight loss and your getting healthy 100 percent harder. Plus, if you can't say no to others, how are you going to say no to you? Make a list and tell yourself the truth, once you know what that is....decide what your going to do for good or ill to make your life better. That's step two.
I did my three miler today.
Tommorrow is step three, How I made myself a top priority.
Hope everyone did really good today.