So gentle readers,
I have noticed something that is very disturbing to me. Fat people apologize...alot. What could I possibly mean? Well, they apologize when they don't need to. As if they are taking up too much space and must apologize in advance. I have noticed this more in this last month in particular. I carry myself straighter. So I guess I come off as having more confidence (which I do, many people would say that I didn't lack much before...so). This has led to some strange phenomena. 1.) I am talking to more strangers in public 2.) People who are larger than me apologize before they ever need to or have done anything to offend. 3.) my confidence draws out the *-holes....they feel the need to 'put you back in your place'....I take this as a sign of progress, you don't kick a dead horse. So, What do I mean by apologizing? Here's an example: Tonight I am at Safeway picking up my Greek yogurt. I am walking through the HUUUUUUUGE sliding doors, into the store. There was enough room for a platoon to pass through those doors. A young man with his family was walking out, He was about 400 lbs. I made a point to make eye contact with him, smile, and say Hi. I did this because alot of times, when you are bigger..I have perceived that you become invisible to people...they just look away. I have had that happen to me many times, and it left me feeling very alone. As I lose weight I make a point not to do that. I want them to know we exist in the same world, that I see them. That they are worth communicating with, talking to and so on. So, I looked him in the eye as I passed by and smiled and said HI. He said "I'm sorry" looked at the floor,and moved more to the left.

I'M SORRY????? For what? For existing?
I could have cried. This same thing has happened at walmart twice now. I hadn't said hi or anything. They just tried to scooch as far over as they could, mutter "I'm so sorry, I am always in the way", and let everyone pass. So, it left me wondering. Is it that all thin people really stare through us, or is it that we never meet people's gaze? Was I that ashamed of myself when I was 270? That I would apologize for merely taking up air? Maybe?
That is sad in and of itself. I know you are going to have jerks that won't look at you and see you as not quite human....but is it the 90% I thought it was?
I wanted so badly to reach back and grab his arm and yell "STOP APOLOGIZING, YOU HAVE NOTHING TO BE SORRY FOR". But, afraid I would get arrested for assault, I kept going. I wanted to tell him, "We don't owe anyone an explanation for our current state and we CERTAINLY don't have to apologize for existing. You are you underneath all that extra weight." Lord, I am turning into Richard Simmons.
So I say to you, be loud and be proud. Hold your head up high...love yourself now and know that you can do anything you set your mind to. Don't apologize for existing. Take up the oxygen, stroll down the aisle of walmart...you have as much right to be there as anyone else. I refuse to apologize to anyone for who I am, at least not anymore. I want everyone to Take a hold of life. It's the only one you have.
I did my 2 and a half mile walk. I kept my calories to 1616. I currently weigh 236 lbs at night. So, it's solid. 37 pounds to onderland. I hope everyone had a good, great, terrific and very fantastic day.


Hanlie said...

Even though I'm normally quite a confident person, I'm aware that I've done this before. I was completely out of my depth with my husband's friends, who I never really warmed to me. I kept thinking that they must talk about us among themselves, saying "I can't imagine what he sees in her" and other demeaning things. He's drifted away from them in the last two years (because of different lifestyles and priorities), so at least I'm not subjected to that kind of thing anymore.

When I'm out in public I greet people. I the mere fact that I've lost some weight makes me feel, and consequently act, like a normal person, so I stride along with confidence.

Brightcetera said...

I have apologized for my size where seating arrangements have made it so that I'm spilling in to someone's space. I feel awful when that happens.
Not out walking in public though.
Yes, it hurts to see others who feel they need to apologize just for exisiting.
Very much.

F. McButter Pants said...

I still find myself apologizing when there is no need. Weird. I was just thinking the other day "I wonder why I do that"?

Thanks for the post.