I am whole

I wanted to write this last night, but felt it was too important to write while tired.
I started this weight loss journey nearly two years ago.
Before that I had done quite a bit of work on myself....but a lot of the work I had left to do had to be done while losing the weight.
Because some things can't be fixed until you know they are there.
Before I started losing weight I worked on confrontation, and who I thought I was, versus who God thought I was.
I had to work on what I did or did not control...
I had to figure out what I wanted.
I did that.
It improved my marriage.
It improved my relationships with my friends and family.
I stopped going in circles.
At that point, my house was a mess.
I know this sounds unrelated...but it really isn't.
I think a confused home is a product of a confused mind.
If you have twenty or thirty different hobbies going on..
If you can't decide what kind of clothing style or hair style you like...
If you can't decide anything without it taking two hours...
then you may need to sit down and start asking yourself some questions.
I did...
I had gotten so far down that I couldn't even tell you my favorite color...
(delft blue)
Although I like all colors immensely.
Or what kind of clothes I like....(pretty preppy)
So, once I figured out what I wanted out of relationships and people I had to figure out what I wanted out of me.
Because you draw relationships to you based on your view of yourself.
And it wasn't to be morbidly obese...
And it wasn't to be "only a mom"..
You see, at one point I thought.."I blew it'
I have nothing more to offer....So now I need to focus on my kids.
I need to get my kids grown and get my kids what THEY want.
My life is basically over.

But one day I looked up and said
It ain't over till ...lol.
the fat lady sings.
and I ain't singing.
I was too smart to be this fat.
If all these other women could be skinny, so could I.
And so I began.
And when I started I thought it was about the fat, and now I realize the fat was a symptom.
I released fears I didn't know were down there.
Fears about whether or not I was lovable.
It released anger I had pushed down.
Anger I thought that I had let go of, when In reality...I had simply eaten it.
A few months into this journey...that strange feeling I always had..
that I wasn't really inhabiting my body.
That I was floating around outside of it...
That feeling was gone.
I was in my body..but battling my body.
I wasn't together yet.
I had let my relationship with God slip the first year I was losing the weight.
It took all the energy I had to battle my body.
That year...Christmas snuck up on me...birthdays..every holiday..
Because I had my nose so close to the ground.
I was staring at TODAY.
I didn't look at tomorrow.
It's what got me through.
And the decision I made a long time ago...
the decision to allow any issue I had to come up...
and I would face it.
That is what helped me make it through.
I didn't shove those issues back down.
I faced them.
I fixed them
I forgot them.
Because I wanted this time to be the last time.
I don't want to waste any more of my life on bullsh*t.
Unresolved issues=bullsh*t
Then I went back to Church.
I found one.
It is good.
I am reconnecting with God...or I should say God is reconnecting with me.
That is a huge third leg on my stool.
God has always been there...He has held on to me even when I wasn't holding on to him.
And recently
My art...
I forgot how peaceful I felt as I drew.
Now I remembered why In high school I never felt the need for anyone.
When I draw I feel complete.
Last night I went out and bought cork board for my wall.
So I can pin up works in progress and pictures and ideas.
My workspace is complete.
And I realized that for me, it's not the weight anymore.
I could care less If I am fashion model skinny.
Or if I have pert tits.
Or if anyone ever thinks I am 'hot'.
I don't care.
I never did.
For me it was about becoming whole.
I have filled in the pits left by a crappy childhood.
I have recovered the bits of my spirit killed by evil people.
Through God's grace..
and I have stopped abusing my body with food and have learned to love myself.
I have everything I want.
I am moving to maintenance calories for 135 lbs.
1350 plus whatever I burn in exercise.
I will post on my efforts at maintenance.
I will tell you how it feels.
I am 144 so I expect more weight to come off..I am just not all verklempt about the rate at which it comes off.
I want to focus on learning how to eat and live in my new body.
How to balance my family and what and how eating and exercise is going to look like from here on out.
Because I am not a number.
I am a person.
I am healthy.
and I am whole.
Have a great night guys.


Lanie said...

You've come a long way baby! thanks for bringing us on the ride. :-)

Sunshine's Heart said...

I think I'm still looking for the whole me. I still have a lot of questions to answer about myself.

Val N. said...

I am working on this. I am getting to a weight where things are coming up for me. I am working through them as I refuse to go backwards weight wise. You are an inspiration to me in this. I am glad your blog is not solely about the food you ate, and the exercise you did, but the mental work, the attitude and calling out the bullshit.

I am getting it through my head that the past will not repeat itself, because I have changed. I am stronger now, much more vocal and am able to defend myself. This journey for me is now about loving myself, not punishing myself, and it has really made a difference.

I am proud of you, and hope to be sitting where you are now.

Kathy W. said...

Congratulations on all of this! You have rebuilt your life, not just your body.

One thing that's helped me has been to realize I was over-counting calories burned during exercise. The gym machines can be wrong by a lot, and you also have to subtract your resting calorie burn from your exercise burn. (The amount you'd be burning if you were sitting still for that 60 minutes or whatever.) The NYT had a good article about how to calculate exercise calories here:


E. Jane said...

You are healthy, you are whole, you are amazing the way you have found yourself in the midst of "an undeliberate life." I know exactly what you're talking about, because when my eating is out of control, almost everything else is too--and vice versa. You have figured it out, and you have taken action, one step at a time. I think it takes a lot of patience to do what you have done, and I'm working on that. Kudos to you, Chris!

Anonymous said...

Beautiful post Christine. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

Sometimes, it all comes together--and life feels good. Enjoy. Deb

Putz said...

thank god, you have decided to continue eating<>>i was so worried that you would just melt away<>><><, but don't get me wrong by saying this, there is nothing wrong with pert tits, i wouldn't however know<><><>never been there or done that<><><but you have never helped me with weight control, you have just pointed me toward improveing in my thoughts, relationships, etc etc etc and i guess i just plain enjoyed teasing you zand amber and brenda and reva

Tammy said...

Discovering your wholeness is huge...I'm so glad you found your way Chris. Makes me smile. :)

Retta said...

Very meaningful, Chris. I "heard" some issues here that I need to work on... like too many outstanding projects going and unfinished. Hmmm... must think on that one.

I appreciate you sharing this leg of your journey with us... I'm finding it very helpful and thought-provoking.

Hanlie said...

Yes! This is what this journey is ultimately about - the quest for wholeness. I'm so glad you found it, Chris.

rebecca said...

wow. I really liked the way you presented your weight loss journey with such insight. I know my weight problem is most likely due to unresolved issues (aren't everyone's?), but the key is how to address those issues, face them, and move on. How does one do that really? Therapy? How did you do it? This was such an inspirational post. Thank you.

'Yellow Rose' Jasmine said...

Simply beautiful. I couldn't possibly be any happier for you. Salut!