I wanted to write this last night, but felt it was too important to write while tired.
I started this weight loss journey nearly two years ago.
Before that I had done quite a bit of work on myself....but a lot of the work I had left to do had to be done while losing the weight.
Because some things can't be fixed until you know they are there.
Before I started losing weight I worked on confrontation, and who I thought I was, versus who God thought I was.
I had to work on what I did or did not control...
I had to figure out what I wanted.
I did that.
It improved my marriage.
It improved my relationships with my friends and family.
I stopped going in circles.
At that point, my house was a mess.
I know this sounds unrelated...but it really isn't.
I think a confused home is a product of a confused mind.
If you have twenty or thirty different hobbies going on..
If you can't decide what kind of clothing style or hair style you like...
If you can't decide anything without it taking two hours...
then you may need to sit down and start asking yourself some questions.
I had gotten so far down that I couldn't even tell you my favorite color...
Although I like all colors immensely.
Or what kind of clothes I like....(pretty preppy)
So, once I figured out what I wanted out of relationships and people I had to figure out what I wanted out of me.
Because you draw relationships to you based on your view of yourself.
And it wasn't to be morbidly obese...
And it wasn't to be "only a mom"..
You see, at one point I thought.."I blew it'
I have nothing more to offer....So now I need to focus on my kids.
I need to get my kids grown and get my kids what THEY want.
My life is basically over.
But one day I looked up and said
It ain't over till ...lol.
the fat lady sings.
and I ain't singing.
I was too smart to be this fat.
If all these other women could be skinny, so could I.
And so I began.
And when I started I thought it was about the fat, and now I realize the fat was a symptom.
I released fears I didn't know were down there.
Fears about whether or not I was lovable.
It released anger I had pushed down.
Anger I thought that I had let go of, when In reality...I had simply eaten it.
A few months into this journey...that strange feeling I always had..
that I wasn't really inhabiting my body.
That I was floating around outside of it...
That feeling was gone.
I was in my body..but battling my body.
I wasn't together yet.
I had let my relationship with God slip the first year I was losing the weight.
It took all the energy I had to battle my body.
That year...Christmas snuck up on me...birthdays..every holiday..
Because I had my nose so close to the ground.
I was staring at TODAY.
I didn't look at tomorrow.
It's what got me through.
And the decision I made a long time ago...
the decision to allow any issue I had to come up...
and I would face it.
That is what helped me make it through.
I didn't shove those issues back down.
I faced them.
I fixed them
I forgot them.
Because I wanted this time to be the last time.
I don't want to waste any more of my life on bullsh*t.
Then I went back to Church.
I found one.
It is good.
I am reconnecting with God...or I should say God is reconnecting with me.
That is a huge third leg on my stool.
God has always been there...He has held on to me even when I wasn't holding on to him.
I forgot how peaceful I felt as I drew.
Now I remembered why In high school I never felt the need for anyone.
When I draw I feel complete.
Last night I went out and bought cork board for my wall.
So I can pin up works in progress and pictures and ideas.
My workspace is complete.
And I realized that for me, it's not the weight anymore.
I could care less If I am fashion model skinny.
Or if I have pert tits.
Or if anyone ever thinks I am 'hot'.
I don't care.
I never did.
For me it was about becoming whole.
I have filled in the pits left by a crappy childhood.
I have recovered the bits of my spirit killed by evil people.
Through God's grace..
and I have stopped abusing my body with food and have learned to love myself.
I have everything I want.
I am moving to maintenance calories for 135 lbs.
1350 plus whatever I burn in exercise.
I will post on my efforts at maintenance.
I will tell you how it feels.
I am 144 so I expect more weight to come off..I am just not all verklempt about the rate at which it comes off.
I want to focus on learning how to eat and live in my new body.
How to balance my family and what and how eating and exercise is going to look like from here on out.
Because I am not a number.
I am a person.
I am healthy.
and I am whole.
Have a great night guys.