I am on a kick lately..maybe that's because my weight is stuck at 144. It's stuck because of food consumption and isn't going up because of rampant exercise.
Also I have been thinking.
I did this a lot two years ago.
The last two years I have been on brain hold.
No thinking allowed unless there was a situation that was impeding progress.
Which may be the case right now.
So I have been sorting through my feelings.
I have been very emotional for the last two or three months...
I would attribute this to some blogs I read...but I think the blogs I am reading are more of a reflection of my inner contemplation
uh oh...put on your waders
here we go.
Before and After.
I am talking about life moments.
You know what i mean...
These are the moments that delineate, (or cleave as it were) one part of your life from another.
I am not talking birthdays.
I am talking happenstances that alter your life in such dramatic fashion that ever after you refer to events that occur as either 'before' or 'after'.
before I met my husband
after I had my children
Before September 11th.
After I lost 120 some odd pounds.
( I re wrote this four or five times without putting that last bit in...be patient with me...this is poor man's psychotherapy. The next bit I wrote forcing me to come and re write this..My issue is getting clarified.)
The good and the bad can both lead to a perpetual loop that is impossible to escape from.
Like the oscar curse.
How many actors are felled by the oscar curse?
Every movie they make after...it's either better or worse than the one they won the oscar for...
heaven forbid they win one as a child.
or an Olympic gold medal
Tara lapinski and her Gold medal.
What comes next.
This is why I love blogging.
once I lose all this weight..
I learned something here.
I think I could help someone.
Except I don't like to be noticed (said the woman who writes a public blog).
I just want to help.
And quite frankly.
I don't want to be in the 'thin club'.
It's littered with some huge @ssholes.
You ever see that undercover 20/20 where they dress a black guy like a white guy and a white guy like a black guy...
Well, let me tell you.
When you are considered in the 'thin club'...let the fat jokes begin.
the nudging...the laughing...all the
"you know what I means".
(btw, screw you George Lopez, you're not exactly svelte)...
Yeah, I know what you mean.
It gets so that you want to tell people at random that you used to be fat so you won't be subjected to idiocy.
I wouldn't trade the years I spent fat for anything now.
It taught me humility, it taught me fat is a byproduct not a primary symptom .
There but for the Grace of God Go I?
I already went.
Am I morally obligated?
Is THIS enough.
I probably ought to talk to God about that.
Am I stuck till I figure out what I am supposed to do.
What am i afraid of?
What IS IT!!!
Maybe I am afraid this is the biggest thing I will do..
that's my kids.
maybe I am afraid of hitting goal and not knowing what is next.
hell, my house is clean.
my weight is gone.
my kids are growing up.
who am I if not fat, frumpy, cluttered, overworked and unorganized.
Does that mean I am thin, organized, balanced, and clear.
Someone will want me to chair a committee.
I have already volunteered for public service.
It's two steps from there to helmet hair, head bands and jumpers with beige flats
I contemplated beige heels today.
they match everything, I read once you have to have a 'good nude'...and clear heels don't count because they are hooker shoes .
My mini van has been cleaned.
I donated items to goodwill two days ago, and asked for a reciept for tax purposes instead of taking the soda????
My friend has me take some girl scout items back and when she needed the receipt a week later I had it.
And knew where I put it.
in a plastic baggy.
in a drawer
marked girl scout items.
I used to refer to people like me as 'pod people'.
organization and goals and drive are good.
putting them ahead of people is not good.
I don't want to lose my humanity.
which is ridiculous....you don't lose your humanity when you get your crap straight.
But maybe my empathy for people who aren't there yet?
What about people who never want to get 'THERE'.
What is this mythical 'there'.
societal acceptance as a supreme goal....gag!
I don't want to get to a point where I forget where I have been.
Where that bitter taste of regret slips away....
Where I drop all the pain of living that way.
It informs my soul.
Every experience, every before and after.
It makes you who you are now, and happens so that when the time comes and a person needs help, you have the ability to help.
That is God's purpose for pain and mistakes.
Not just for you...but for everyone you touch.
So... I don't have to let go of that, or be afraid of who I am becoming..
I just don't want to be inauthentic...an image, not a person.
I Just need to let my experiences inform my decisions.
(now I sound like a frickin hippy)
Pay attention to my thought processes and behaviors...
If anyone spotted something in this ramble, leave it in the comments.
It may help.
I will figure this out.
I went to the gym today but ate the calories so it's a wash.
relaxing and reading.
back otk tomorrow.
(miss you carlos, you fat sumb*tch...come back)