3.26.2011

before and after...getting unstuck...

dOh-kay,
I am on a kick lately..maybe that's because my weight is stuck at 144. It's stuck because of food consumption and isn't going up because of rampant exercise.
Yay! exercise!

Also I have been thinking.
I did this a lot two years ago.
The last two years I have been on brain hold.
No thinking allowed unless there was a situation that was impeding progress.
Which may be the case right now.
So I have been sorting through my feelings.
I have been very emotional for the last two or three months...
I would attribute this to some blogs I read...but I think the blogs I am reading are more of a reflection of my inner contemplation
uh oh...put on your waders
here we go.

Before and After.
I am talking about life moments.
You know what i mean...
These are the moments that delineate, (or cleave as it were) one part of your life from another.
I am not talking birthdays.
I am talking happenstances that alter your life in such dramatic fashion that ever after you refer to events that occur as either 'before' or 'after'.
before I met my husband
after I had my children
Before September 11th.
After I lost 120 some odd pounds.
( I re wrote this four or five times without putting that last bit in...be patient with me...this is poor man's psychotherapy. The next bit I wrote forcing me to come and re write this..My issue is getting clarified.)

The good and the bad can both lead to a perpetual loop that is impossible to escape from.
Like the oscar curse.
How many actors are felled by the oscar curse?
Every movie they make after...it's either better or worse than the one they won the oscar for...
heaven forbid they win one as a child.
It's over.
or an Olympic gold medal
Tara lapinski and her Gold medal.
What comes next.
This is why I love blogging.
What now.
once I lose all this weight..
then what.
I learned something here.
I think I could help someone.

Except I don't like to be noticed (said the woman who writes a public blog).
I just want to help.


And quite frankly.
I don't want to be in the 'thin club'.
It's littered with some huge @ssholes.
You ever see that undercover 20/20 where they dress a black guy like a white guy and a white guy like a black guy...
eye opening.
Well, let me tell you.
When you are considered in the 'thin club'...let the fat jokes begin.
the nudging...the laughing...all the
"you know what I means".
(btw, screw you George Lopez, you're not exactly svelte)...

Yeah, I know what you mean.
It gets so that you want to tell people at random that you used to be fat so you won't be subjected to idiocy.
I wouldn't trade the years I spent fat for anything now.
It taught me humility, it taught me fat is a byproduct not a primary symptom .
There but for the Grace of God Go I?
I already went.

Am I morally obligated?
Is THIS enough.
I probably ought to talk to God about that.
Am I stuck till I figure out what I am supposed to do.
What am i afraid of?
What IS IT!!!
Maybe I am afraid this is the biggest thing I will do..
no..
that's my kids.
maybe I am afraid of hitting goal and not knowing what is next.
hell, my house is clean.
my weight is gone.
my kids are growing up.
who am I if not fat, frumpy, cluttered, overworked and unorganized.
lmao.
Does that mean I am thin, organized, balanced, and clear.
Someone will want me to chair a committee.
ack!
I have already volunteered for public service.
It's two steps from there to helmet hair, head bands and jumpers with beige flats
I contemplated beige heels today.
seriously.
they match everything, I read once you have to have a 'good nude'...and clear heels don't count because they are hooker shoes .
My mini van has been cleaned.
I donated items to goodwill two days ago, and asked for a reciept for tax purposes instead of taking the soda????
My friend has me take some girl scout items back and when she needed the receipt a week later I had it.
And knew where I put it.
in a plastic baggy.
in a drawer
marked girl scout items.

I used to refer to people like me as 'pod people'.
organization and goals and drive are good.
putting them ahead of people is not good.
I don't want to lose my humanity.
which is ridiculous....you don't lose your humanity when you get your crap straight.
But maybe my empathy for people who aren't there yet?
What about people who never want to get 'THERE'.
What is this mythical 'there'.
societal acceptance as a supreme goal....gag!
I don't want to get to a point where I forget where I have been.
Where that bitter taste of regret slips away....
Where I drop all the pain of living that way.
It informs my soul.
Every experience, every before and after.
It makes you who you are now, and happens so that when the time comes and a person needs help, you have the ability to help.
That is God's purpose for pain and mistakes.
Not just for you...but for everyone you touch.
So... I don't have to let go of that, or be afraid of who I am becoming..
I just don't want to be inauthentic...an image, not a person.
I Just need to let my experiences inform my decisions.
(now I sound like a frickin hippy)
Pay attention to my thought processes and behaviors...
If anyone spotted something in this ramble, leave it in the comments.
It may help.
I will figure this out.
I went to the gym today but ate the calories so it's a wash.
relaxing and reading.
oy.
anywhoozle.
back otk tomorrow.
(miss you carlos, you fat sumb*tch...come back)
Chris out.

12 comments:

Deb Willbefree said...

Before it was cliche to say, we counselor types used to tell people, "Whereever you go, there you are."

That's usually meant in a "take a lesson, you're being in denial" kind of way when somene decides to try the "geographic cure."

But as I read this post--which made sense to me, I'm frightened to say--I thought of that cliche in a new and postive light.

And I say it to you now, "Don't worry, Chris, whereever you go, there you are."

And that's a very good thing, for there is a richness in your soul that you will never outgrow. New life stages always bring a little panic if we are in a place to see them coming.

Hugs.

Deb

Deb Willbefree said...

P.S. Stop by my blog and listen to the clip. It's long. It starts with a kind of prayer thing that you may find odd. The song is in a worship style you're not fond of--but relax and listen anyway--it will sweep your soul up in an embrace.

Deb Willbefree said...

Ok. 3 comments in a row. A record even for me so feel free to erase this.

but, THANK YOU for the song clip. I lvoed that. "...tke my voice...let it sing the songs of mercy I have found..." Loved, loved, loved that.

One never forgets that gift of mercy, no matter where we grow to. thank you.

Deb

Pretty Pauline said...

I liked the "Sail" song and had never heard it before! And btw~I don't know what he said, but George Lopez loves a very large, lovely lady! :)

Thank you for this, again. Thank you. I already can relate to some things. I am by nature a compassionate person, but I trust that being large and experiencing what I have has purpose somehow. Not that it was best, not that it was God's will for me.

I am very, very sensitive and don't look forward to hearing such talk when I am thin. Already I struggle with the things people do to one another. I mean, there are kids in my neighborhood who don't eat when they're not in school! There are homeless, hungry, and jobless people! I have children to raise to be responsible contributors to society! I don't have time to worry about what someone looks like, whether or not their Christmas lights are put away, or what their yard or refrigerator looks like.

Anyway, so many thoughts. I can't pen them all here! LOL!

LN said...

I really liked this post. I grinned all the while I was reading it.
Who says you have to have the answer now? You can't just live your life and enjoy being the new you, in the slightly rearranged life? Too much guilt?
How about allowing this doubt, this wiggle room and keep on keeping on?
I think the doubt and anguish are adjustments -simple as that. And it looks like you are coping with it pretty well.
it is hardly a wash - it is a success!

Karen Butler Ogle said...

I'm completely getting you. I'm at a crossroads too I think. I'm not fat anymore. I'm not a member of the thin club though. Not mentally. I'm not sure what or where I am. Trying to wrap my head around maintenance and searching for other who made the transition. When the focus has been on weight loss for so long it is like culture shock to realize you don't have to be in that mode any longer. I need to find a niche where I fit and it is taking me more time than I expected.

Hanlie said...

I think you'll figure this out! Maybe you'll train for something...

Joy said...

Everyting you are doing is preparing you for the next step. I am a long way behind you, but I've been feeling the same things. For me, I have noticed that instead of just thinking about the next step, the doors are slowly opening....and I am gaining the confidence now, to step through those doors. It's a big world out there and there is something you need to be doing. You will find your way!!

Keep up the great work my friend...Push through!!

F. McButter Pants said...

Chris~

This was another DAMN good post. I read it this morning and came back to reread it this afternoon.

We will figure this out! Thanks for sharing your life with me!

Beginning Anew said...

Chris,

You deserve to be thin, happy and healthy.

You won't lose your humanity, you are gonna be a great mouthpiece for the underdog because you have seen both sides.

If you don't want to chair a committe - then friggin don't. But please do celebrate the fact that you can, and that you have the energy, self confidence and smarts to do it if you want to.

It's okay to celebrate you and your achievement!!!! I give you total permission - you've earned it! us big girls are not mad at you for being thin - we love it - our sister crossed over! Hooray that means I can too!!! (and if there are any jealous naysayers - don't listen to them - they just don't want to do the work yet - maybe some day they will - not your problem)

I know this is just a temporary spot you are in. You are much too positive and have worked too hard to figure out a whole bunch of stuff and put it in it's rightful place.

You got this...

Robin said...

I think you are asking for, "Why am I stuck and can you see it in what I have written here?" If so, this is what I see. I think that you don't want to be too thin because you are afraid that you will become inauthentic. That if you become "too thin" something will snap in your brain and zap your memory and you won't be you anymore. For some reason, being 10 pounds lighter will make you less empathetic to people who are obese or just heavy. The thing is this: if 135 pounds is your ideal weight according to your doctor and the charts, etc. and you know that you can achieve it, then you can't let this fear stop you. Your memory isn't going to get zapped. You will always remember what it felt like in that Build-A-Bear store and not to be able to play with your kids and not be able to breathe easily. You don't forget that stuff. You will not lose your empathy. However, you can't make someone else lose weight. You can only be an inspiration and hold out your hand and offer to help. That is it. Each person makes their own choices, as you did when you made your choice. It took you years to "get there." The hard part will be waiting for someone to "get there" when you can see clearly that they are losing years that they won't be able to get back. However, we only can do what we can do. I have taken a lot of space to say that you are going to be you no matter if you stop losing weight right now or if you punch on through to your goal of 135. You already found yourself on this journey. You learned how to speak up for yourself and live deliberately. I really don't see that changing.

'Yellow Rose' Jasmine said...

You've written so much especially good stuff in the last couple of weeks. I've been just taking it all in and relating so much that I just haven't known what to say. Sometimes a short comment just doesn't do justice... Your struggle with weight has not only inspired me, but brought me closer to the truth about what the issues are beneath the weight. Each of us is different. Even so, many of us struggle similarly. I can so relate to you wanting to keep touch with the old feelings that helped to bring you to the point you are at now. It's kind of like if you were to ever lose that experience you wouldn't be who you are now. It's part of the path.
As for me, these days I struggle with the fact that people who meet me now don't know what a codependent doormat I used to be. Even 2 years ago, I could never have seen who I would become- self-confident, always smiling. Now there is no room for things that would waste one day or one minute of my life wallowing in family drama. That doesn't mean I'm not still thinking and processing, but I get positive things out of my introspection rather than just holding onto bad feelings. I guess maybe that's part of it too- the difference between just going through the motions and actually seeing what it all means. Let me know when you get there because I'm still learning from it all myself!