Letting go of resentment...

One of the things that can trip people up is old resentment.
Relationships with people you can't flush...maybe your parents, or grandparents...cousins, brothers, aunts and uncles....
A relationship that has grudges or old hurts.
A relationship that seems to accumulate new hurts every time there is a new encounter.
You communicate with that person, and they never seem to live up to your expectations.
You keep hoping that one day they will become who you wish they were.
A person interested in others.

Now, people can change...but it's rare.
There is a quote from maya angelou..
"Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better."

I know many people feel people CAN help it when they are selfish or lazy or stupid.
Honestly though, I think if people really understood...or were capable of understanding, they would do better...they are simply incapable.
If people knew how their actions affected the people they loved, and they had the necessary empathy or emotional ability to understand that their actions were harming others...then they would take the steps necessary to correct it.
It takes self awareness, and a positive mindset to change deeply ingrained behaviors.
Some people lack the necessary wherewithal to look at themselves in an objective manner.
Take negativity for instance.
if you view the world through a prism of self pity, resentment, anger and depression...
how likely are you to see the needs of others?
Not very.
you are more likely to be so self focused that others merely become sounding boards for your misery.
And while such people are disappointing....count yourself lucky that you aren't in the same sort of emotional death spiral that person is in.
yes...you would or could wish that person would pull their head out of their rear end, and wake up to the wonder that is life...but you can't invest emotional capital in someone else's misery.
No matter how much you wish they were different...it isn't you.
It isn't anything you lack...it's them.
And you can't take it personally.
Or you can get caught in the sucking whirlpool that emanates from their soul.

Best tack.
Let go of expectations or preconcieved ideas of what that person's role should be in your life. That just brings misery.
Ditch the idea that you are responsible for their happiness or lack thereof and understand that they are doing the best they can...and while that is disappointing and while you wish they would grow up...it isn't going to happen unless they let it happen.
That will leave you free and clear to grow different relationships..and as much as you are able..
it will help you to love them where they are without enabling them.
For years I wished I had a different sort of mom.
When I let go of the idea that she was ever going to fit into the mom mold I had in my head, my disappointment disappeared and I was able to enjoy what she could give me.
I did a good walk and had a great calorie day.
Tomorrow it will be back to the gym (which I have been avoiding like the plague)
Have a great night guys,


Amber said...

Great post Chris! One many of us can identify with!

Pretty Pauline said...

Every time I visit your blog, I am WAY blessed. WAY!

Crystal said...

So true. When I find myself in this situation with other people, i take a deep breath and tell myself: "I can't control the thoughts and actions of others, I can only control my own."

Sometimes it's tough to let go of these feelings, especially when it is someone close to you, but it is important to be able to do so.

Nice post!

Roxie said...

So very true, Chris. Resentment is the seething killer. It takes continual work (for me), but it is SO worth it. Great post.

Ms. Chunky Chick said...

Chris this so spoke to me since my anti mom post! And its true when I hang on to resentment it hinders ME as a person! Your amazing and thanks for the amazing post!

Anneg121 said...

wow, I REALLY needed to hear this today. You are so right, on many issues. We can't change other people but we can change our view of the relationship or event....

Thank you!

Putz said...

wow chris, where did you get your theologial trainning???????did you go to an evangilist school for spirituality????????????you are a real leader to us, now i wish my mom and siter were alvie so i could try all that stuff you spout on them<><><>i guess i could try it on my wife and kids><><>i feel lucky to be able to read your words<><><>love ya the putz

Beginning Anew said...

Wonderful post! I thank God for you! You said it so well! And it needs to be said - so often!

The New Christine said...

I love your thoughts on this hard situation. We want them to change so bad, though. :(

This is definately one I am gonna keep to re-read during hard times. Tnx.

Miss Erika said...

I have just stumbled across your blog, and this post is very inspiring. I have recently figured all this out for myself after much emotional trauma, but I wish I could have read this five years ago. What a relief it is to finally let go of that resentment. This is a great post - in fact, your blog in general is amazing! I'll keep reading for sure. : )

bbubblyb said...

I feel like these days I use avoidance. I feel bad for that with some people but I think it has allowed me to still have a relationship with them even though it's now very limited. It also allowed me to grow and do what I needed to do for me. I think learning not to let others keep you down is huge in doing what is needed for self growth. A great post Chris, as always so very very insightful. I'm thankful for your words every time I read them.