I stumbled across something today that really clarified the difference in my thinking now verses 11 years ago.
Before my sudden enlightenment nearly two years ago, I had struggled for YEARS with trying to lose weight.
I also struggled with self esteem issues.
I found my journal from the year 2000...and thought I would post this entry as it really sums up what I mean about your mental tape....
This entry was after a trip back to see my family in december of 2000...
Well, I made it back to colorado. On New Years Eve we were at my in laws...we banged pans and shot off bottle rockets and HELLO 2000!
Kate had a lot of fun.
So back here again. I get frustrated easily. I make a big deal over everything. And I nitpick everyone. I am a f*cking martinet who eats too much and spends too much. I am tired and stressed. I feel like I clean all the time and the house is still a mess. Life is the same day after day. Nothing changes. I get up, do useless chores, go to bed and I have been doing this for 6 years. I need to figure sh*t out or I'll be stuck in this f*cking hole my entire life!
WHAT DO I WANT.
I AM SO TIRED OF ASKING THIS QUESTION!!!
Now that friends, is a question I don't manage to answer for a few more years.
Not one part of that rant was proactive.
I didn't take any responsibility for my own happiness there.
I did take responsibility for my unhappiness and my bad attitude...only in so far as to call myself names.
At the time I simply couldn't see how to break free.
I think deep down I knew what I had to do...I was just afraid to do it.
I needed to let go of my anger...ask for more help.
I needed to state my needs and have them met instead of bottling up and then resenting people for not reading my mind.
I needed to stop using food to numb the feelings I couldn't handle because I hadn't built coping mechanisms to do that.
My life was a function of my brain.
My brain was disordered..and so was my life.
I needed to realize taking time for myself was necessary.
That people will help if you ask..
that you can't save everyone...and even if you could..who asked you to?
I tried it with my family, with my mom...friends.
You name it.
Never reaching out for help, But trying to be everyone elses rock. It lead me to the verge of a nervous breakdown.
Evenn when I was at the end of my rope....I would just unravel my threefold cord and make my rope longer.
I don't think that way anymore.
I don't call myself names.
I don't down myself.
People will do it for you, why do it to yourself?
The least you can do is be kind to yourself.
Then, start picking out your good points.
then note your weaknesses...and address them.
Don't let them become excuses for beating yourself up or worse..
for staying the same.
Have a great night guys.