3.28.2011

New mind-Old mind

Hey all,
I stumbled across something today that really clarified the difference in my thinking now verses 11 years ago.
Before my sudden enlightenment nearly two years ago, I had struggled for YEARS with trying to lose weight.
I also struggled with self esteem issues.
I found my journal from the year 2000...and thought I would post this entry as it really sums up what I mean about your mental tape....

This entry was after a trip back to see my family in december of 2000...
Well, I made it back to colorado. On New Years Eve we were at my in laws...we banged pans and shot off bottle rockets and HELLO 2000!
Kate had a lot of fun.
So back here again. I get frustrated easily. I make a big deal over everything. And I nitpick everyone. I am a f*cking martinet who eats too much and spends too much. I am tired and stressed. I feel like I clean all the time and the house is still a mess. Life is the same day after day. Nothing changes. I get up, do useless chores, go to bed and I have been doing this for 6 years. I need to figure sh*t out or I'll be stuck in this f*cking hole my entire life!
WHAT DO I WANT.
I AM SO TIRED OF ASKING THIS QUESTION!!!

Now that friends, is a question I don't manage to answer for a few more years.
Notice something.
Not one part of that rant was proactive.
I didn't take any responsibility for my own happiness there.
I did take responsibility for my unhappiness and my bad attitude...only in so far as to call myself names.
At the time I simply couldn't see how to break free.
I think deep down I knew what I had to do...I was just afraid to do it.
I needed to let go of my anger...ask for more help.
I needed to state my needs and have them met instead of bottling up and then resenting people for not reading my mind.
I needed to stop using food to numb the feelings I couldn't handle because I hadn't built coping mechanisms to do that.
My life was a function of my brain.
My brain was disordered..and so was my life.
I needed to realize taking time for myself was necessary.
That people will help if you ask..
that you can't save everyone...and even if you could..who asked you to?
I tried it with my family, with my mom...friends.
You name it.
Never reaching out for help, But trying to be everyone elses rock. It lead me to the verge of a nervous breakdown.
Evenn when I was at the end of my rope....I would just unravel my threefold cord and make my rope longer.

I don't think that way anymore.
I don't call myself names.
I don't down myself.
People will do it for you, why do it to yourself?
The least you can do is be kind to yourself.
Then, start picking out your good points.
Notice them.
then note your weaknesses...and address them.
Don't let them become excuses for beating yourself up or worse..
for staying the same.
Have a great night guys.
Chris out.

11 comments:

Deb Willbefree said...

Funny you should use "threefold cord" in the way that you did. It is from Ecclesiastes as you knnw, "two are better than one...and a threfold cord is not easily broken."

It struck home for me because I founded a nonprofit corporation in the 1980s called "Threefold cord Ministries". Our by-line was "Ministering the Love of Christ to girls and women."

I had never thought about the example you gave about rewinding the unraveling cord to make it longer, but it is a powerful visual. One that many women can identify with.

Who knew back when I founded that ministry, with that name, the visual you just gave would fit my life...now. I need to quit rewinding my unraveling cord. Now.

Thanks, Chris. I'll be thinking on this. I think I'll schedule myself a little session with me. I hear that I used to be pretty good helping with this kind of thing.

Deb

Hanlie said...

I have been thinking a lot about the stories we tell ourselves - the little dramas we create in our lives day in and day out. It's so unnecessary. Once you start cutting through the crap, life becomes so exciting and challenging (in a good way). Yes, change is hard, but it's so worth it! And it makes us happier!

Great post!

Amber said...

Like the visual with the rope. Makes it pretty clear. Thanks!

Rettakat said...

"My life was a function of my brain."

Yep. Seems I can always use a reminder of that, too. Thanks for another reminder! :-)

Jodie said...

Chris, so much of what you say is where I am - cleaning but never accomplishing, never asking for what I need, numbing with food...it's all there. Your accomplishment has been amazing. I hope I'll be in those shoes some day too!

Jodie (biggerthanababyelephant.blogspot.com)

Tammy said...

Excellent post Chris. :)

Cara said...

Love this post! The name calling thing was huge for me, I seriously could have written that journal entry a few years ago - well the last bit, 'cause I've never been to Colorado ;) For me, on this journey, the first step was to learn to be a good friend to myself. This is a very good lesson, thanks for the reminder!

Cara :)

Anne H said...

Brain - and Mind (cap "M")
Heart and Soul!
I love this too!

Jacqui said...

this is an amazing post! I am clawing my way out of this thinking right now. I`m just in the beginning, but I will get there.

Thank you so much for sharing this.

Helen said...

As I'm sure you already know, there is a scripture that refers to being transformed by the renewing of the mind.

I guess you're perfect proof of that.

jo said...

Great post--again. This one made me smile because your journal entry was very similar to several I've written over the years.