Day 5...Have you flipped your switch?

Let's get today out of the way. I didn't get to go to the gym. Car troubles and registration issues forced me to take a 3 mile walk and do one hundred situps at home. No worries though. Tomorrow it is back to the gym with a vengeance. bwahhhaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaa....
1480 calories today. Tasty ones.

So, I was reading (as I always do) Jack's blog. He talked about seeing things differently. For him it took a weekend. For me, It happened in an instant.
It was at Build a Bear, May 4th, 2009. I remember the day. I even remember what I was wearing. I remember How I wore my hair. What shoes I had on.
One minute the world was this....

I see the cup...

The next minute...it was the faces.

Like the world suddenly reversed itself, and I was left standing there. Finally fully aware of what I had let myself become. One minute I was just me. Sure, I was overweight, but I was happy. I had a husband, two children and a nice home. I was an intelligent woman who had her stuff together.
Then I looked up and saw this fat woman in the mirror. I thought, wow is she fat.
It was me. shock
That.. was me. flip
That was what I looked like to the outside world. No matter how I felt, or thought on the inside. My outside would always dictate other's first impressions of me.

You can say that it doesn't matter, but it does.

Statistically speaking, fat people are paid less.
Fat people are viewed as less intelligent.
Fat people are more often than not, ignored or laughed at.
Is it Fair? No.
What in life is fair?
I was limiting myself because I had decided long ago to never tell myself no when it came to food.
I didn't shoot heroin. I didn't beat my children. These things were unthinkable.

If I can't control what I put into my own mouth, what did I really control?

I made jokes about not wearing corduroy cause it could cause a fire.
Why was eating myself into an early grave funny?
Why had I allowed myself to think it was some sort of Joke?
Why did I think so little of my relationship with my husband, that I would take the girl he fell in love with... The slim, fit girl that he had fallen for, and turned myself into whatever it was I had become?
Seeing myself as I truly was was extremely painful. I had spent years hiding from cameras, wearing loose, baggy clothing, avoiding swimming pools and swimsuits. Telling everyone I was 'too busy' to go to the park.
These were Lies to avoid facing the truth.
I know some of you don't like Jillian, but there is one thing she said that I completely agree with.
Self deprecation is useless.
I used self deprecation to deflect my reality.
If you are doing this, stop doing it.
If you are telling yourself that even though you are one hundred or more pounds overweight, that it isn't 'that bad'. You are lying to yourself.
If eating crap is funny to you, even though you are giving your kids a crappy example, killing yourself slowly, and possibly embarrassing your significant other...what is funny about that?
I know this is hard and harsh, but let us look at reality for a moment.

If your husband was a drunk whose habits affected his ability to participate in family life, caused him to make excuses as to why he couldn't take the kids to the park, couldn't make love, caused him to neglect his appearance. Would you love him "unconditionally?"
Overeating is voluntary.
I am talking to women now. We want our husbands to remain faithfull.
What I did was 'advertise' one thing, and then fifteen years later...delivered something else.
This gives us room to grow yes. But it wasn't fair to him.
If he remained faithful to me, then for the rest of his life, he would have to make love to a morbidly obese woman who didn't care about her appearance, who couldn't even clip her toenails. And he would have to just put up with this because he was too honorable to leave. That would be it.
Because I couldn't say no to food, this was going to be his life.
Seeing It this way, puts things into a different perspective...doesn't it?
I want my husband to make love to only me, but then I gave him a me I doubt he would have been attracted to.
After I woke up, I apologized for letting myself go so far.

Being wide awake is painful. I stood in line at the grocery store the day after my flip had switched, in an agony of embarrassment. As if I were walking through there naked. I couldn't believe how fat I had let myself get.
As stupid as it sounds, I knew that other people could SEE ME.
I wasn't invisible. I was very visible.
There was no way to fix the situation I was in except to start.
But once that flip has switched, you cannot unswitch it. I can't go back to sleep. I truly see myself, and I can no longer ignore it.
I get frustrated, yes.
But not the kind of frustration that says "well, screw it...I'll binge'.
It's more the kind of frustration that wants this fat gone NOW. I have to reel it in and tell myself that even if I exercised ten hours a day for the next year, it still takes time to take the weight off.

Food will not make you happy. Food will not make you less lonely.
Food could kill your marriage, kill your relationship with your children...or teach them bad habits. Food could kill you. It's no laughing matter.
Like Jack said, If I could put this in a bottle I would give it away for free.
I would.
Kind of like the matrix, you can take whichever pill you want, just don't fool yourself about the one you are taking.
I hope everyone is on and ready to go, I truly do. I hope I don't hurt feelings with this. I just know that until I saw the choices I was making for what they truly were, instead of some lifelong fat joke...I didn't change anything. I didn't see anything.
I am rooting for you.


Jack Sh*t, Gettin Fit said...

Thanks for saying what I said even better than I said it.

I'm glad you found your way, Chris. You're an inspiration.

KrysTros said...

Amen sister! All so very true, very stark and to the point. I couldn't have said it better. Really, I couldn't have! We shall overcome!

Anonymous said...

What a wonderful wonderful post.

But I'm wondering this: Do you think Jillian would feel differently about self-deprication if she read my blog? Because it's kinda my gimmick.

Just kidding.

Thanks, Chris. You inspire me in ways I can't even put words to.

South Beach Steve said...

Chris, I think all of us who succeed reach this point. I call it "the decision". Once the decision is made, success will come.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for a very insightful post. For me, the switch flipped when I realized I wouldn't be on a diet this time, that the choices I make have to continue for the rest of my life. A hard pill to swallow, but a necessary one.

Anonymous said...

This post makes me sad. I see a scared, insecure fat woman who is worried her husband will cheat on her because she's packed on a few pounds. I don't think fear is the right place to draw motivation, unless it's fear of dying. Besides, if husbands don't love us unconditionally, who will? If my husband ever wants to leave me, there is much more wrong in the relationship than just my weight. My husband is my biggest cheerleader when it comes to weight loss, and I think all husbands should be that supportive. Just my 2 cents.

Unknown said...

Great post again Chris. My switch flipped last September, and I do remember the day as well.
I even talked to the BF about this last night - he met me when I was at my biggest, fell in love with ME, the inside person, not the outside person. It actually took me a couple of years to realize this and once I did, I was ready to start losing the weight. Weird eh? I think I had been keeping it on with some kind of fear based reason...
Thanks for sharing....

Christine Jeske said...

This made me tear up. Cuz someone else gets it. It's not about "wow look at you go your are so motivated, where do you draw it from?" It's about waking up and seeing. And not being able to go back to the way things were, ever. Wow.

You are beautiful. And I am so glad we discovered each other's blogs. ♥

And it's not so much about doing it out of fear that my husband will cheat. It's about me wanting to give him more, it's about him deserving better, and me deserving to be better for him.

Christine said...

oh sharon, it's not a fear that my husband would cheat...he never did. My fear was that he wouldn't. strange huh. That I didn't care enough to stop shoving food in my face and grow up. My husband does love the inside of me. But to think that your husband doesn't care how you look,I think, is decieving yourself. You can look good twenty or thirty or forty pounds overweight...some women carry it well for a long time. But, I want to be my husband's lover not just his wife. I'm not going to take him for granted just because I can.

Christine said...

thank you christine, I am glad you guys saw the intent of my post. having read my blog for a while, you know who I am and my intent. that's important. good on allyou guys who have seen the light, so to speak. Keep going.

Christine said...

oh,and for mommy to joe, you are the best. No need for you to change anything. lol

bbubblyb said...

Great post Chris! For me, hubby met me at my biggest so it wasn't about that but I did get your point and it was so true, I never wanted to shave my legs, cut my toenails or even pluck my eyebrows lol. I think that's called depression for sure. Even though I never thought I was I can look back and see I was. I'm all for being a better, wife, lover, mother, etc. It really is about ME loving ME. I know I could never go back either. I loved reading this today. Thanks.

Salina Lyn said...

Thanks to mommy to joe for posting a link to your blog. I love love love your perspective. Reminds me of ME. :) I'll be following from now on.


Foodie Girl said...

Love this post and I appreciate your honesty. It's one of the best and hardest traits to have.

foolsfitness said...

You are not being cruel... you are just telling it the way it is.

I don't really know why I struggle so much with it... or for that matter why anyone else does either. It isn't rocket science to see it's just plain destructive.

I woke up one day and pretty much came up with the concept if I don't get a grip on this now, I never will.

I haven't got it down, I wonder if I ever will, but I've now fought longer than ever before.

Foolsfitness wants to remind you that Food won't make you happy... at least vegetables won't.- Alan

deisegal said...

You really do write the most insightful stuff...amazing.

My switch flipped Christmas 07. I'd moved into my house in August and started commuting a long distance to work. Over those months gradually put on weight, like LOTS of weight and after the Christmas gluttony fest I just felt so frustrated with my body, felt like I was spilling out of my "fat pants" and dug out an exercise DVD I never used and just started using it. I always made excuses not to exercise but from that day on exercise was just part of my life. The eating thing I have up days and down days from that day forward as well I knew I'd have to make changes and that I couldn't just keep eating all around me like Pacman!!

Hanlie said...

I love how you don't pull your punches, Chris! I think we tippy toe around these issues far too often. Well said! Quite a few things in this post rang my bell for me... just as well I'm really working through some of my emotional issues!

Rebecca said...

Wow! What a great post! I don't remember what exactly flipped the switch, but it switched just the same. I do notice as I lose more weight I take more care of myself.