11.30.2009

Commitment and determination....

are just words.

I am about to write a post that may pop some bubbles, but I do it with good intent.
You will see why shortly.

First things first...
I want to post a couple of quotes from the beginning of my journey.
Right now, people who swing by my blog see a ball of fire...a free Wheel burning baby.
Hitting milestones, kicking this weight loss thing in the *ss.
Mind and heart are set, all it's taking now is time.
You might wonder...

How do You get that kind of commitment and determination?

The same place I got it
From. My. Head.

First the quotes:
From June 1rst, 3 weeks after I started....
"In my own life I had allowed food to become my addiction. I used it in the same way a drunk uses booze or a drug addict uses heroin. It was not to feed my body, it was a comfort for bad feelings, it was fun when I was bored. Now I am obese, I have been obese probably for the last 9 years, before that I was overweight. You might say that alchohol hurts the family. Well, guess what. So does my obesity. I avoid doing things because of my weight. I don't go to swimming pools, I avoid family photos, I am too tired to play or go to the park. I have cheated my kids out of alot of things because of my blindness to my own addiction. A while back I was standing in a public place, and I saw myself in a full length mirror, not just from the waist up. I really saw myself. I looked fat and felt old. I was so embarrassed that I just wanted to leave the store. I told my friends this and even my husband. What I didn't say was that, that night as I was lying in bed, I told God that I couldn't do it. I have been on every diet known to man and have quit every single time. The last time I tried to "diet" I ended up on my treadmill crying because I could feel in my spirit that I had no hope. ....I was no better than anyone else. Knowing that I use food like a drug has helped me resist overeating. This is a day to day struggle for me."

From June 4th,

"Quite the word, accountability. To be held to account. What better place really, than the world wide web. I have put a lot of leverage on myself this time around. Short of taking out a sign on the freeway (hmmmm .....), this is as public as I can make my journey to lose weight. I have no faith in my willpower, why? Because inevitably, my will turns to eating, and then I WILL EAT. "

From June 17th:

"All of us fat girls know this, we make up for our weight by using humor, being accomodating, and putting ourselves at the bottom of the totem pole. We put ourselves down before anyone else does. We make Jokes at our own expense that say "See, you don't have to feel bad, I know I am fat...I'll be the funny one, the nice one, the one who listens to everyone's problems while stuffing down my own with food. I don't want to get in anyone's way, I am not worth taking up anyone's time, even my own.".

and the wall I had to get over to get where I am now, putting my past into the graveyard of history....
This is from September,
I have a history of dieting and failing and always, always, always, it was more the mental than the physical.
It's all in the mind.

This is from September 9th of 2009.

"Are you charting your own course or are you letting others chart it for you? Sometimes there are no choices or very limited ones...... It's all about being proactive and thinking things through, running your life instead of having it run you.
That is why weight loss is so hard. Every single thing we do throughout the day requires us to act in a new way, instead of react in the old way. Every bite of food is a deliberate act. Every walk or exercise time is a deliberate act of the will.
"

I had a 'bad couple of days" in early September.
My past rose up and bit me in the rear. My depression that used to consume me at various points in my life, hovered above my head like a foreboding cloud.

This is where I had tried and failed too many times to count.
I knew I had to face my fears and get through them or I would never get better.
I had to bury it. I buried my past by spitting it out- in the hardest post I have ever written or ever will write....It was called pushing past everything and it is in September if anyone cares to read it.
What we cover up will pop up, what we ignore won't go away...and what we try to stuff down will show. On our bodies.
In our life.

I thought...THOUGHT....I couldn't do this.
For years I would lose thirty pounds...and regain them. I would say "I am not that bad"...or,, "It was the weekend, I only live once"....
or, "He should love me whatever I weigh".
When I didn't love me, whatever I weighed.
It was all an excuse to hold on to my one last crutch. Food.
I allowed food to be my opiate.
I didn't want to quit. I thought I could lose a little and hold on to my addiction, then one day I looked up and realized that my addiction had a hold of me..
On May 4th, 2009. I realized my addiction to food was stealing my life. Stealing and had already stolen precious moments I can't get back.
I don't have one picture of my pregnancy with my youngest.
I was too ashamed.
I heard Joyce Meyer say about a week or two before my flip switched:
"If you can't control what you put in your mouth, what do you control?"
That stuck with me, I like to think I controlled everything.
For a long time, I let food control me.

Who do you want in charge of your life?
An inanimate object?
Or you?
I realized that I have had the control all along.
The right, the power, the ability....it was all right here....
I just had to say no to food. Food my body doesn't need.
I say yes. I say no.
It's all about control.
Can you take your life back?

I KNOW that I can.
I know that you can.
How does that happen?

YOU MAKE IT HAPPEN.
One day you wake up and say NO MORE.
There isn't a chicken fry, a malt, a slab of steak, a cup of ice cream that is worth feeling like this anymore.
Food didn't make me happy, in fact
NOTHING MADE ME HAPPY.
That was a clue.
WHERE IS YOUR PASSION?
Find it, you will find your purpose for getting healthy.
WHAT DO YOU WANT IN LIFE?
Answer it, and you will have a goal to strive for.
How do you want your family, your friends, and your children to see you...to remember you?
Know that and you will figure the rest out.
YOU HAVE TO WANT TO LIVE A FULL LIFE, MORE THAN YOU WANT FOOD.

If you don't know what you want or why you want it, you won't lose the weight.

BECAUSE YOU WON'T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE COMMITTED TO.

YOU WON'T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DETERMINED TO FIND, OR WHO YOU ARE DETERMINED TO BE.

Do you think you CAN'T?
YOUR RIGHT.

Do you think you CAN.
YOUR RIGHT.

If you are thinking right now....Why bother?
Then you have some questions to answer.

If your thinking, I can't wait....How do I start.
START NOW.

Every moment, you create yourself anew with your intentions.
I woke up one day and decided that If I had known who I would become as a teenager, I would be ashamed.

I want to be proud of who I am.
Of what I have accomplished.
I want to be someone to be modeled, not a bad example of something to avoid.

Decide who you want to be...
AND BE IT.

I look back at those posts, and quite frankly...I hardly recognize myself.
Who was that person?
I am creating myself anew daily. I am becoming who I want to be, someone I can be proud of.
There is nothing more motivating than making a commitment to being someone you admire.

You can do it too.
You just have to decide to.
Hugs,
Chris

19 comments:

Rettakat said...

You've taken everything I have been struggling to explain in the last 113 days, and rolled it up into one astounding post with a bow on it! Fantastic!!
I can quit blogging now.

Well, maybe not quit, but you definitely nailed it here. I recommend putting some kind of link to it in your sidebar, like Best of the Best Posts, or something like that.

This will help a lot of people, it truly will.
Loretta
=^..^=

Hanlie said...

It's awesome to see how far you've come and how you've grown in the process! You really are one of my favorite bloggers and a huge inspiration.

Amy H. said...

"Where is your passion?" I think that is so key. I think a lot of people know their passion but are too afraid to pursue it. But pursuing your passion frees the chains of eating - great post.

Broken YoYo said...

I read back some of the crap I wrote earlier this year and think "did I reeeeally think like that?" "did I really think the weight would just fall off if I didn't alter my relationship with food?!"

I think it took me until I remembered this poem: http://shakeintoshape.blogspot.com/2009/08/power-of-positive-thought.html before I actually started seeing some results.

mind you at times I feel like I'm going backwards, or just standing still, this whole thing is so frustratingly slow but it's got to be that way, we have to do it properly and avoid any quick fixes as they just patch over what's wrong and don't go anywhere near close enough to repairing it.

I think you're awesome, you've come a long way x

She woke up FAT said...

When my hubby and I were teen's we had big dreams. I thought I was going to travel the world, write poetry and save children from bad homes.

I don't know when but I stopped writing poetry.
We traveled, until we had kids and could no longer afford it.
I volunteered in a girls home but gave up when I got discouraged.

For the last four years I have done nothing but try to feel the void with food. And then I woke up!

I'm finally participating in my life again.

What a beautiful post today. I'm saving it so I can read it when ever I need a boost.

Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit said...

It never ceases to amaze me how our mindset evolve over the course of this journey. We're not only getting stronger in the body... we're getting stronger upstairs, where the real heavy lifting takes place.

Good for you, Chris. Thanks for this exceptional piece of work, too.

You're doing great.

TJ said...

I loved this post. Each day I wake up and I have to fight that OLD way of life. It is not easy but I am willing to fight, kick, and punch my way through it. :) Im not good with putting my feelings down into my writing...but I could relate to everything you said.

It is bloggers like you that help motivate me! Lets fight this fight together!!! :)

Lori G. said...

As someone who used to feel like this (the good stuff) and backslid to the nth degree, this is fabulous for me to read and get myself motivated. You're absolutely right about everything. Thanks!

Melissa said...

Fantastic post (as usual!). Sooo true!!

What a Splurge said...

I take to heart your quote:

"If you can't control what you put in your mouth, what do you control?"

So true. Great post.

Losing 100 said...

I feel like I'm looking in a mirror! You explained my feelings better than I could have. Isn't it wonderful how our thoughts and feelings change throughout this journey?

Leslie said...

Hi Chris,

Again, I'm feeling that you wrote this for me. Your comment yesterday to me about extinguishing the voice within that says it's okay to binge really jolted me, and in so doing, stregthened my resolve to make that voice shut the fuck up!

Then this post today takes me further on my path, and fills me with more determination and steel to KNOW that I can do this. I have to be honest with myself and others first and foremost. Realize what I have on board and jettison off what isn't working anymore. This was fantastic, and you're doing great. Inspiring.

Perhaps being a motivational speaker will become your passion??

Hallie said...

This is a very strong post. There's no denying that a strong degree of commitment and determination are practically necessary to lose significant weight. I just wonder - do I REALLY have more determination and commitment than I have in times past? If so, why did it happen now? What IS the secret formula? I could say that I had finally reached a desperate place. I could say that it was having a goal and a plan and following the steps like a robot. I could say it was solitude, having little to distract me from my focus. I have a friend who has got to be over 400, 500 pounds - I don't know, but I hate to see him struggling. He's decided again recently that TODAY'S THE DAY HE'S GOING TO CHANGE HIS LIFE ONCE AND FOR ALL. I can't begin to count the number of times I've written that in my diary and rarely has it stuck. For some reason, this time it has - for 8 months so far anyway.

Joanne said...

Chris this was incredibly awesome. With your permission can I please put this as one of my inspirations on my blog? When I see a post that moves me I really like to hold on to it. I won't link without your permission.

http://joannetryingagain.blogspot.com/

cmoursler said...

sure joanne..
That would be fine.
thanks for the compliments guys. They are very nice.

outdoor.mom said...

Wow! This is very powerful! I think we all feel like this sometimes. I am so glad that you shared it. It is so encouraging to know that you are getting and keeping control. You are an inspiration for us all :-)

SlenderSwan2B said...

Wild applause!!!!

karen@fitnessjourney said...

Your posts are always so thoughtful. One of things you said really stood out to me-not wanting to be in family photos. On my wedding day I remember my sister-in-law sweating profusely in her bridesmaid dress when it was getting close to the time to get photos taken. She was over 100 pounds overweight at the time. It was painful to see her "being there" for me and her brother (my husband) knowing that she really wanted to run away and hide.

I wish I knew how to tactfully suggest that she read your blog. I know that she would find comfort and inspiration in your words. Do you have any suggestions? As someone who has never been obese, I don't want to offend her. In the past she has made comments that "skinny people" are judging her. It breaks my heart that this beautiful woman is suffering so much.

South Beach Steve said...

Great post Chris!