WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE!????

The picture I refused to send...
Christmas 08...



Pretend for a second that was you.
What would you have said to yourself as you walked around that day?

Maybe...I hope no-one takes my picture...
or, when you are handing your beautiful little girl her barbies you're thinking that you hope she doesn't turn out like you.

Or maybe when you went to walmart with your little brother and someone mistook you for husband and wife...and you felt sorry for him.
That anyone would think he would marry a fat pig like you.

I knew he deserved better than ME At any rate.
What I hadn't realized was that I DESERVED BETTER.
This picture didn't trip my trigger by the way...
I merely hid it in the back of beyond on my computer.
I don't know about you....
Oh, happy 2010 by the way...
Anyway.....

I don't know about you,
But I have had those words said to me....
Who do you think You are?

It's always said with derision, or anger...with some form of negative connotation attached.

As if you had the audacity to expect something,
or want something you knew perfectly well you neither needed nor deserved.

Who do you think you are!

Well....

Who do you think you are?

And is what you think keeping you stuck?

Did you fail at weight loss this year?

Deep down, do you think you are a failure?

Are you fat?

Deep down, do you think You are a 'fat pig'?

Do you believe you are incapable of being fit?

Do you believe it's too late?

Do you think you have no control over what goes in your face?

Then you are right...in only one sense.
What you believe, you achieve.
Sounds hokey...but is it?

You live out your beliefs.
You certainly aren't going to do something you don't believe in.
The most important step in any journey is believing you can make it....
That you can do it, or
That you can achieve it.
What is the point of 'trying'... if deep down, you know you can't?
What is the point of starting, when you believe you are just going to fail?

Or even worse, you believe that you simply aren't worth the effort.

What do you believe about yourself?
You think you know who you are now.
Everyone does.
A year ago I firmly believed I was....

The mother who bakes.
The daughter who never complains.
The wife who is always 'there'.
The rock of Gibraltar.
The never ending support system.
The funny, fat friend.

Who am I now?
I am the mother who hates to bake.
The daughter who speaks up.
The wife who tells her husband she is going to the gym.
A person who knows she cannot be everyone's safe harbor..
A person who knows that sometimes it is she that needs support.
The friend who is sometimes funny, and sometimes sad, mad or pissed at the world.

Who do I think I am!
I can't just say no to baking!
I can't tell my mother how I feel about my childhood!
I can't just go to the gym with dirty dishes in the sink!
I can't tell my friend my problems...I am supposed to be the problem solver.
You know what?

Yes, I can.
To all of those
I am not a cookie cutter wife (pun intended)
I am not required to be the 'perfect' daughter.
The dishes can wait and you know what...real friends want to help.

Maybe you don't know what to ask for...I didn't at first.
Now I do.

Daily I ask for:
Time
Respect
Love
Fun
Attention

Who do I think I am!
I am a human being with wants and needs and desires that are not more important than, but just as important as...anyone's.
If you don't believe that, you have bigger problems than weight.
I know I did.

This year I actually had a want for Christmas.
Two years ago, heck....last year when asked-all I could say was "I don't know"
And I didn't.
It is almost as if for fifteen years, I was buried alive.
I was like a walking dead woman.
I had given up on happiness, health, fun and future dreams.

I couldn't have answered that question for the life of me...not if someone had put a gun to my head.
I just didn't know.

Then one day I looked up and saw what I had become.
I realized I had lost any passion for life years ago.
I didn't know that person.
I had to find me.
The me buried under 130 lbs of fat.
The me I was scared of.
The one who wouldn't take being ignored or left out.
The me that wasnt afraid to try, to ask and to fail.


Here she is....
You might see this picture and think....WOW, she has lost some weight.
Which would be true.
It's unfortunate that people can't see the biggest transformation.
The transformation of the mind.
What's most telling.
My face...
My eyes....
I am happy. Not ashamed.
It isn't how fat I am or am not.
It's about me, taking control of my life and everything in it.
It was about me making a promise to myself and keeping it...because I am worth the effort.
Knowing your own worth is the most critical aspect of this whole journey.

You...
yes you.
I hope you are new here.
I hope YOU have decided to find out
WHO YOU THINK YOU ARE!!!
And that for once in your life...you don't give up on yourself.
You keep looking and you keep trying until you are living the kind of life
you want.
Not the one you are willing to settle for.
It's a new year.
Don't let it slip away.

Hugs,
Chris

Sue and happiness, Jack sh*t, end of year pics and wrap up....lol!

Hey all,
I am tired of waiting for Fatmaggeddon to start...so I am starting one day early..
Tomorrow in fact.
I have been using Fatmaggedon as an excuse to slack til the first.
Well, that ain't working for me.
So let's start with a current picture.
Shall we.
Now first let me say...
The cute little boy in this picture is not mine. (Although I would take him and the other two in a heartbeat.)
He is my friend Amber's.
He is the reason I am smiling.
So Sue...you tapped me for a list of ten things that make me happy
There is Number 1.
I too, love my friend's children.
This has only happened one other time.
I had a friend named Millicent and I just loved her kids.
I don't mean the fake "Aren't your kids just too precious" crap...I am talking, love to talk to and I think they are smart...and funny, and well mannered....kids.
The feeling does NOT always come with the friend or friend's children.
As you can see by this photo...the child pictured is darn cute.
He makes me happy.

Me today...Dec. 30th, 2009. 188 lbs.
Click to enlarge


Happy Reason Number 2...
The photo above makes me happy.

It makes me happy for several reasons...the first is the picture below....

Click to enlarge...if you dare. lol.

My very first photo...taken on May 18th of this year....262.4 lbs.
Weight now.
188lbs.
Total Loss for the year.
74.4 lbs. in 7 months and about 13 days.

Reason 3 The first photo makes me happy.
See those clothes...they were given to me by a very nice lady named Jennifer, who is also losing weight.
She is a size 12 now and very thoughtfully gave me this beautiful jacket (bill blass) the cute shirt and the jeans (Vera wang), along with several other items.
I don't think I have ever owned a designer anything.

Reason 4 that photo makes me happy is because I am a size 16.
Those Vera Wangs are a 16.
So I am not just a walmart 16, I am a designer 16.
And anybody who has ever tried to cram their *ss into a pair of designer anything knows what I am talking about.

Reason 5 I am happy about that picture...
Good Friends.
Amber is a good friend, and I am meeting and making new ones.
Good friends are hard to find.

Reason 6...moving on now.
I am happy about having a family. I am not alone.
I do not eat alone.
I do not come home to an empty house.
Yes, I got married young. But I don't think I missed anything by doing that.
I think I gained a great deal. I gained Love and people to love.
Can't beat that.

Reason 7: I have a home. A two story home built on a foundation.
When I was little, I lived in a single wide trailer. It would get so cold in the winter that our doors would freeze shut. I shared a room with my brothers until I was 12. Then my mom built a wall to separate the room into two smaller rooms....one for me and one for my brothers. I could almost touch the walls on either side of my bed width wise. Length wise it was two and a half outstretched arms lengths. Right now I am laying on a king size bed and my childhood bedroom, my mom's bedroom and my brothers bedrooms would have fit into my master bed and bath area. I still get the giggles about the walk in closet.

Reason 8:
I have a husband who has a job.
In this economy, nuff said.

Reason 9:
I woke up on the right side of the dirt this morning.
There are people out there dying. I am healthy.
There are parents who have lost their children, I have two Healthy Children.
I have my mom...I have both my brothers, and my husband all alive.
Many husbands, daughters and sons, and brothers and uncles and sisters never came back from Iraq, Afghanistan, Vietnam, Korea...

Reason 10:
I have opportunity. I live in the greatest country in the world. I have been given the privilege of residing here. I can wake up tomorrow and decide to go to college, get a job, learn to paint....whatever. I love living in a country where nothing is guaranteed, but everything is possible through commitment and hard work.

I think those two pictures say everything about my year.
I started out morbidly obese.
Now I am 56 lbs from goal.
I didn't know who I was or what I wanted.
I wasn't in touch with my feelings, or my hopes...I didn't even have many.
I just knew I wasn't happy...that I wanted to lose weight.
I had a couple of turning points along this road.
A couple of tipping points. The times when I could have slid back.
This blog would have gone away.
I could have stayed that woman you see at the top of this page.
All I had to do was quit.
Say it was too hard...or I didn't want to.
I could have let myself off the hook by eating and then bashing myself.
Wallowing in self pity...wallowing in self destruction.
but I managed...by looking at myself truthfully...acknowledging my fear, my excuses...and then leaving them behind. Refusing to let my past swallow anymore of my future...
And just so you know Jack Sh*t...I have something I keep that you wrote.
I will always keep it. I am linking to it.....here.
I can't read it without crying...because it is exactly how my mind turned.
IF anyone ever asks me how I did it...I can take the piece of paper I have of that poem, that I have laminated...and I will give it to them.

Because when it comes right down to it....that is it. It's all in the mind..in the want to...in the decision to never let yourself down, to be the person you want to be.

You have to believe it to see it.

I will see you all tomorrow.

And so it begins...Fatmaggedon 2010,

Your dedicated, happy, and charged up, and ready-to-go-get-out-of-my- way blogger,

Chris

weight training...and the perfect 10 challenge

This picture links back to Steve's post about the perfect 10...I will be posting it in the sidebar tomorrow.
It is Steve's weight loss challenge which just happens to jive with my fatmaggedon smackdown.
In the spirit of the contest I will post 10 goals for the 10 weeks.

1.) To exercise 6 days a week...every day but wednesday. And to allow only 3 off days in case of emergency for the 10 weeks.

2) To do one hour of cardio six days a week...and 3 days of arm and leg toning and 3 days of situps. For a total of one hour and fifteen minutes, six days a week.

3.) To take a beginning and ending picture.

4.) To be able to do 200 situps in 5 minutes or less by the last day of the challenge...to be corroborated by my good and honest freind Amber from the Faith love kids and me blog.

5.) To keep my calories between 1400 and 1500 every day except my 5 pre-allotted high calorie days....I will log my food and calorie intake on this blog daily and alert the readership on upcoming high calorie days.

6.) To drink 8 cups of water or 64 oz. daily.

7.) To Eat no less than at least 1 serving of fruit per day and 2 servings of vegetables per day.

8.) To post my start and end weight...and for the weight lost during those 10 weeks to be a minimum of 8 lbs.

9.) To try one new recipe per week for 10 weeks.

10.) To get to bed by midnight every night (ACK!)
That will be the tough one.
lol.

Anyways..on to our regularly scheduled blog....
well,
Hey all.
Today it was back to the gym and Arnold.
I did one hour and burned 660 calories.
I then did some stretching and realized that since I had done my situps yesterday...I really had no toning exercises planned for today.
I decided it was about time I started concentrating on my arms.
So I took two 2.5 pound dumbells and did 3 sets of 20 reps each tricep curls, bicep curls and delt lifts...arms out to the side to shoulder level then down....that was the hardest.
Then I did hamstring curls....30 total.
with 20 pounds.
It is a good start.
I think I will keep with that through January and see how it goes.
I will be posting an update on Friday from the above goals.
I had a pretty good day today.
I took my youngest to Walmart to look at some clothes to see what we might pick next month while clothes shopping.
Then after I went to the gym tonight, I stopped by the bx to look at big girl clothes.
I love the mid rise jeans, I also love oleg cassini coats.
I love the lines, although I am not going with a white.
They had the most awesome tweed oleg cassini jacket....I'm going to see if I can't find a picture.
I did, if you click on the word picture, it will take you there.
Love it, Jackie Kennedy was always somebody I admired (when I first saw a picture of her in 9th grade) oleg cassini was her stylist. I loved how simple and elegant she always looked.
I can't wait to have the shape to carry half of it off.
well,
This post was long enough.
Good luck to all of you.
Only one more day left and then I will be posting myyear end weight.
I will do a mini look back and a goal post on the 31rst looking forward.
Here's to the new year.
Hugs
Chris
p.s. Heads up san franciscans...if I were you I would pay attention. Animals don't get up and leave en mass for nothing. Just sayin'...good time to take a trip out of town in the next few weeks if you ask me. Anybody else think an earthquake is coming?

merging me's and wiis

Hello all,
I had an interesting question yesterday.
The question was:
Am I interested in being my blog me in the real world.
I am.
This is the real me.
I think the me I have been projecting in reality was for protection more than anything.
With the team wives (wives of special forces guys), I was shy so they wouldn't ask me to join their committees. ( I loathe the creation of the so-called committee)
I have been doing the bait and switch my whole life.
Such as when I was in AIT (basically job training) in the army, and this chick (who was my bunk mate and 'ruck buddy' kept bailing on our weekly hikes. I would end up toting her ruck and rifle.
It finally hit me...the only time this chick bailed was on ruck march day.
Since she had missed the majority she was REQUIRED to ruck the last one. I, however, was not.
I was just soooooooooooo sick, I couldn't do it. I just had to go to sick call. She carried my ruck and rifle on a TEN MILE MARCH.
I hope she learned a lesson. That lesson, Don't mess with Chris.
People who don't know me think I am quiet or shy. (I think I hear Amber snorting with laughter somewhere.)
People who know me call me the badger. They know how stubborn...hard headed, sarcastic and tunnel visioned I can get.
What many people don't know is that I am a soft touch.
If someone asks for something, I have a hard time saying no. Which is why I get so pissed off if someone asks for something. I will say NO. Then come back ten minutes later and do it anyway. (I always felt for that son in thebible who was asked by his father to do something, he says no and then does it anyway....the other son...says yes, and doesn't do a dang thing.
It's been my experience that the smooth talkers get the credit.)
I cry at hallmark commercials, movies...tv shows.
I hid that because I viewed it as a weakness for evil people to exploit.
I hide it well. Most people don't see it and most people don't mess with me and my well cultivated sense of revenge lol.

Growing up, I lived in my head...A lot.
I had a vivid imagination and I loved reading.
It was an escape.
The 'real world' was a bad place.
In my head, I could be anywhere I wanted.
That's why I read all the time and drew all the time.
Everyone always said, "Chrissy, she has her head in the clouds."
And I would think
"It's better than having it down here in this sewer." (count that in the list of things I never said.)
I think my ability to mentally take myself out of the equation was invaluable when I was young.
Not so much as I aged.
I had less time to go into myself....
I started using food as a coping mechanism.
Also, I was in a new reality...one that I was in control of...but I was too stuck in my old way of coping to really see all the power I had.
I still felt powerless to change anything.
Everything I did, every choice I made was a reaction to someone Else's action.
For me, everything whittled down to survival.
It's not a very enriching existence.
I carefully portioned out emotion, words, ideas.
I never ever put them out to people I couldn't 'trust'.
That was anyone who proved themselves untrustworthy or disloyal.
I didn't want the emotional damage that came with rejection.
So I acted like I didn't give a d*mn what anyone thought.
I got so good at it, that for a while I really didn't.

However, I think the most telling thing happens to be the people I admire.
It's always the naive, happy and trusting dupes who give and give.
They get taken for suckers and are still happy to give.
I always feel like someone should be out there protecting them...you know...breaking fingers and keeping the scum at bay.
I will never be naive, or even very trusting.
But I have been working on giving with no expectation of receiving.
Giving even though I suspect it's probably a scam.
Like those people who stand outside walmart with their signs for gas money.
First thought; "They are probably using it for crack."
Second thought : "That's not my problem. I am supposed to give...it's on their conscious if they are lying sacks of crap."
Third thought: "IF they really need it, I am doing the right thing."
That's good enough.
I am going to be a do gooder someday. A person people look at and think...
"That Chris, she has her head in the clouds"
except I don't...It's down here in the sewer and I am fully conscious, I am aware of reality...
I am just determined to create my own reality.
For every 20 scum sucking cretins who take up oxygen that I help.
At least one person is going to be a good guy. That makes it worth it.
I want to have faith, so I do.
I want to be happy, so I am.
It is all a choice. Every last stinking thing.
Hugs,
your hard eyed, cynical optimist by choice.
Chris
oh, and we got a wii for christmas...bowling is fun!

My 200th post-and becoming a whole person.

wow,
200 posts! Who knew I had that much to say..I didn't.
I guess deep down I was bursting at the seams with words.
So, I am kind of on autopilot till the 1rst.
I am eating 1500-1600 calories. I exercised today for an hour.

I realized something pretty important today.
The importance of talking to someone who has been in your shoes.
It's one thing to talk to somebody and have them listen.
It's another thing to talk to someone and have them understand.....completely.
It makes you feel less strange and alone.
I should have done alot of things in life, the number one thing I should have done earlier in life was to reach out to people who have been through what I have been through so I didn't feel so alienated and alone.
Life is a continual growing experience.
I talked to my brother in law tonight as well.
It was an interesting conversation...It confirmed some of my suspicions about how I have been viewed for a long time.
I think I corrected some of the misconceptions.
I am still very glad I live in Colorado as opposed to closer.
I have some strong willed in laws. I am glad our family had a chance to grow and be strong and thrive without a lot of meddling and interference.

I am going to continue to go to the gym on through till the 31rst.
That will be my final weigh in day for the year.

When I started in May, I had no idea I would be where I am now.
Contrary to the ball of fire you are now viewing, I was less than certain.
I had tried so many times to lose weight, and failed...
I threw everything I had at this attempt in the hopes that something would stick, or click.

1.) This attempt included Personal leverage in the form of a picture that would go to my hometown newspaper that included my weight and my failure to lose said weight. If I hadn't at least lost forty pounds by the end of the year, my ex boyfriend would have been gazing at my fat self in the clare county review come January 1rst (I had every intention of sending it).
I lost it, and thirty on top of it at least.

2.) I started a blog. I told everyone who could hear. (or read)

3.) I wanted it so badly that I was willing to give up the one thing I had been using for comfort....food....and move towards a more whole and complete life.

It wasn't just food...it was everything.
How I related to my world was whack.
I didn't.
I just ate it.
I knew I had no concept of how to get out there and start living...how to widen my horizon and how to find different ways to cope.
Seven months in, I have found a few ways to deal with what life throws at me.
You know,
Exercise for stress relief...
Books for relaxation
Friends for company
as opposed to:
Food for stress relief
Food for relaxation
and
Food for company.

Heck my mil doesn't even stress me like she used to.
I feel so much more comfortable "in my skin'.
I am starting to like myself.
I am starting to let some of the things I have banging around in my head out into the world.

You guys probably read my blog and think "She talks like she writes"
I don't.
I could count on one hand the people who could identify me solely by reading what is on this blog site...other people would have no clue.
Only with people I am really close to, do I talk like this.
Everyone else thinks I am quiet.
I have a very hard time meeting people, talking or even expressing what I want to say.
I started this blog as a way to log my attempts at weight loss and financial frugality.
It became a kind of anonymous clubhouse where I could be the person who resided in my head.
This blog is where I can come and say what it is I am thinking. Things I don't say out loud. Things I would never have dared to say.
This blog has given me the confidence to start doing things I didn't think I could.
It has helped me say it (whatever it is) "out there".
It has helped me become 'more me."
I would like to thank everyone for the support I get here.
For the kind comments and the acceptance.
I didn't get alot of that growing up and I 'learned' to keep ME to myself.
For a long time, I made myself as small as possible...as unobjectionable as possible.
I tried not to 'bother' people.
I tried to be 'useful'.
I never gave a shot at just being myself.
To expressing myself, to accepting myself and taking whatever talents I might have and putting them out there. I think deep down, I thought that what I had to give wasn't worth taking.
Now, I think I am going to start stretching a little.
Trying new things. I may have something to give, or to say..that might help someone else.
It's exciting.
Well, this 200th post is long enough me thinks.
Oh and for the people who wanted to know about where I got my adding a zero to my weight thing...here is where I got it. I looked at her and thought...she looks like she knows where of she speaks. I went with that. I go by what works. It's who I am.
Talk to you all tomorrow.
hugs,
The guru of personal growth (lol)
Chris

FATMAGEDDON 2010

I'm Baaaack,
lol,
Hey all, I had a great two days...I counted no calories.
If you want to hear something that may make you a little angry, keep on...
If not, skip the part in Blue....
I lost two pounds when I stepped on the scale tonight.
I have no idea how. I didn't exercise and I ate whatever my little heart desired.
Granted, my little heart couldn't eat like it used to...but since I counted no calories I have no idea how much I did or didn't eat...
I do know I had a piece of cheesecake...a small one. I had some cheeseball with crackers. Some ham, some mashed taters and some brussell sprouts. I wasn't able to down a ton...and at one point I ate some eggs because I had a headache from the chocolate butter finger bells I ate...about ten or fifteen.
Maybe my metabolism said "HEY, WE'RE BACK IN BUSINESS BABY...WHAHOOOOOOOO!!!"
I have no idea.
It was back to the gym today.
I was on Arnold for one hour and really burned it down...I burned 700 calories in one hour and then I did about 40 situps cause the gym was closing.
It's back to the gym tomorrow with a new workout partner...
She is fun, but not so 'fun' that I talk through my whole workout.
She will probably be coming along once or twice a week for a while.
This is good for me. I need to be more social.
It Used to be that unless someone threw themselves on the windshield of my car...I wasn't going to meet them.
This was one of my personal goals. Making new friends.
I'm up to two.
Who knows...I could clear three by the end of next year.
My problem is, I don't like to expend emotional energy. I really have to like and admire somebody to be 'friends'. There has to be something about them that says 'class act'.
I don't call acquaintances, friends.
Once they are my 'friend', then I am 'on their side'.
I am a very loyal person.
It also means they can call me at 2 in the morning from jail and I will use my money to bail them out.
There are very few people that hit that thresh hold...I'm cheap. lol.

But enough about that.
So, to the title of this post and that clock at the top of my blog.
I go back to Michigan and Ohio in July of this coming year.
I want to be a size 10....
I even bought the pants...they are ready and willing.
I am able.
It's on...
In this corner.
A 5'3" heavyweight. Formerly 262 lbs...current weight to be updated on December 31rst.
Lets just say she's a lot lighter than she used to be.
In the other corner.
A pair of dark denim size 10's with small pockets and just enough Lycra to endear themselves to girls who bloat when Tom comes calling....
A pair of jeans, the size of which this woman has not seen in lo these many years....15 in fact.
A pair of jeans that called to her from a goodwill rack off highway 85.
They said, "I'll make your *ss look like a size 8...all this for 3.99 baby!"
The challenge was thrown, and it was accepted...
and so was born Fatmaggedon 2010.
It ends on July 15Th.
I suspect I will need to be somewhere around 145 lbs for this to work.
Right now that would be a 45 lb or so loss.
In six months.
It's doable.
I will be calorie cycling...1400/1500 then when I hit 165 or so 1300/1400.
I will have two high calorie days per month.
one will be my current weight plus a zero...
so for example 185 would be 1850 calories.
One day will be current weight plus whatever I burn that day at the gym.
so 1850 plus 600...2450.
I find cycling my calories keeps my metabolism on it's toes and keeps me from getting bored.
I will be exercising 6 days a week. The first three months, I will continue my current one hour and fifteen minutes.
Come April I have something else in mind...
A kind of mini boot camp, loosely based on my time in the army.
A time when I went in at 158, and came out at 136 eight weeks later.
22 lbs in two months, all while I inhaled any food within sniffing distance without thought nor care for it's calorie content.
I vaguely remember one breakfast that consisted of vanilla yogurt, waffles and syrup, two sausages, a piece of toast and an orange, and some milk and coffee.
And that was just breakfast.
I ate that in five minutes.
All of it, every last bite.

This time I won't be hiking twelve miles, but I will be walking two to three in the morning and working out for an hour in the evenings.
On alternate days I will be doing a Jillian Micheal's 30 day shred video then going to the gym for cardio at night.
It's probably going to kick my rear.
That's okay,
By then I should be able to take it.
Fatmageddon officially starts on January 1rst.
On December 31rst, I intend to post my weight for a year end total.
On January 1rst, I intend to post my weight for my Fatmageddon countdown to Michigan.
Signing off now to go and read your blogs and to catch up,
Hugs,
Chris

Have a wonderful Christmas all....

I am signing off till the 26th.
I am not going to think of eating, or exercising or blogging, or anything else.
For the next two days it's Christmas, and family.
I am going to enjoy my holiday
(that said...I did make it to the gym today and work out for one hour...burned 650 calories and did 100 situps)
No workout for two days straight...whatever will my body think?
lol.
And here I will share a favorite Christmas memory.

When I was 12, my mother finally divorced He who shall not be named.
They had been separated, but it was going to be our first Christmas without the douche.
We went down to my uncle Richard's house like we always did.
We had a nice Christmas...no tension....just happiness.
We had almost no money. My mom was driving a pinto with no back window (which we duck taped over)...
The car had no radio, no heat....
So on our way home we were just talking ....we were hoping for snow, and up to that point it hadn't snowed (or snowed much)...we were driving late at night and noticing the lights on people's homes.(which is where I got my tradition of driving around looking at lights)....we got to a long dark stretch of highway and it started to snow...I remember saying to my mom, I am going to ask God for it to snow...and then it started snowing. We all started singing Christmas carols.
It is my favorite memory...and it didn't have a thing to do with gifts.
That year my mom made us quilts out of the douche's clothes. The quilts were awesome.
We (my brothers and I) kept them even after we grew up and to a one, they were our favorite gifts. My mom had a knack for taking lemons and making lemonade. Or taking the clothes of a douche and making an awesome gift out of them.

I just wanted to say to you all that appreciate you very much...you have helped make this journey that much easier. Your comments and support have been a gift that is priceless
Around my house you are like friends I just mention.
My family is getting used to it now. TJ and her cooking, Foodie girl and Kansas and Jack and his conversation starters and dozens of others.
Merry Christmas you guys.
I hope it is joy filled, and love filled.
God Bless and Hugs,
Chris

It's a Wonderful life....Truly.

Well,
Hey all....the Christmas spirit came winging it's way to our house tonight in the form of It's a wonderful life.
It's another tradition in our family.
We own the movie...and before Christmas every year, we sit down and watch it all together as a family.
It never fails to put me in a good mood.
My childhood was less than stellar. I never watched it when I was young.
I started watching it as a 19 year old bride with my first subscription to cable.
When you're young, you have a bunch of roads and a ton of options.
Then you choose one not realizing you are picking a path...you think you can back track...or start over.
When you can to a certain degree, but never totally.
Picking is picking....I think that's why God gives young people so much idealism, optimism and blind faith. You need it.
As you get older, you start to realise that some of the choices you made..consciously or unconsciously, affect what you will or won't do in this life.
The older you get, the more meaningful the movie becomes.
I swear....From the opening scene with the sledding and George saving his little brother, who then saved a troop transport...to old Mr. Gower losing his son during the war and George saving some other little boy and then saving Mr. Gower...to George wanting to get out of that little town and see the world, but unable to leave Mary because he loved her, unable to just flush the business his father built because it gave people homes.
The more of life you live, the more this movie touches on everything in you.
It touches on that part of you that wonders if you are really making a difference to anybody or anything. Then you look at your kids, and know that you are.
You never know who you have touched...who you have saved in some way.
That is why every single seemingly mundane task IS important.
Every kind word or act of generosity.
Every life.
That movie always gets me ready for Christmas....

Merry Christmas to everyone out there,
your spirit filled blogger,
Chris

I'm (not really) sorry shakespeare...Motivational mondays

Or what happens when Chris cleans out her dvd rack and finds one of her favorite movies....

EATMORELAMB: Oh that we had here, one ten thousand of the trainers in Los Angeles that do no work Today!

Chris the simple: Who is he that wishes so? My cousin EATMORELAMB!?

No my fair cousin! If we are marked to Diet, we are enough!
To do our *sses loss; and if to shrink,
The fewer professionals, the greater share of honor.

God's will! I pray thee, wish not one trainer more.
By Jillian, I am not covetous for Crispy cremes,
Nor care I who doth feed upon my lasagna;
It bothers me not if larger women my garments wear;
Size 18's dwell not in my desires.
But if it be a sin to covet size 8's,
I am the most offending soul alive.

No!
Chill, my man! Wish not for a trainer from L.A.
God's Peace!
I would not lose so great an honor as my One pound!
Any more loss WITH a trainer and methinks the trainer would steal my shine.

For the best hope I have is me.

O, do not wish for one!
Rather proclaim it, EATMORELAMB, throughout blogland,
That he which hath too much stomach for this fight,
Let him depart; his pancakes shall be made,
And dollars for the all you can eat buffet put into his purse;
We would not diet in that man's company
That fears our fellowship, to diet with us.
This day is called the feast of Christmas.
He that diets this day, and comes safe home,
Will stand a tip toe when this day is named,
And rouse those who at the name of Christmas, did diet.
He that shall eat well and exercise this day, will see old age.
Will yearly on the vigil tell his neighbors,
And say, 'Tomorrow is Christmas.'
Then will he strip his sleeve and show his bicep,
And say, 'These muscles I gained on Christmas Day.'
Old men may forget: He may forget all else
But he'll remember...with advantages,
What exercise he did that day.

Then shall our names, Familiar in his mouth as household words-
Chris the simple, Paulawannacracker, TJ, Foodie Girl, Loretta, Karen and Joe. Alix of the Casa Hice, Sue the Fatass, Linda of Bar Mitzvahzilla, Hanli and FatTrainer. Marilee, Steve of the SouthBeach, Joania of Canada, Amber the Red, Anti-Jared and Tony of the Pink Panda.
Lastly a great hero of dieters everywhere, Sean the Anderson.
This story shall the good Jack Sh*t teach his daughter;
And Christmas Day shall never go by,
From this day to the ending of the world,
But we in it shall be remembered-
We few, we happy few, we band of dieters;
For he today that sheds his fat with me
Shall be my brother; be he ever so wide,
This day shall shrink his girth;
And dieters now-a-bed,
Shall think themselves accursed they did not try sooner,
And sit on *sses large while holding treats....

And hold up any
That dieted with us on Christmas day!

Alright that's it...

I've had it.
I am taking my Christmas back...I am rounding up the troops and we will take a forward position, pushing back the gloomies in an orchestrated pincer movement...
Forcing Christmas Cheer to abound, and bringing about the utter destruction of the enemy force....cynicism.
So, Sophie probably saw all of her gifts.
I am still going to wrap them, and she will still play with them.
IT isn't the end of the world.
Santa still brings a bike...and that is the biggest gift.
ugh.
anyway.
I think we will be running away next year as well.(hey losing 100)...
Where to you may ask?
OH....I don't know....
Maybe a cabin... with a tree that is decorated with homemade ornaments. We will sit by a crackling fire and sip hot chocolate while we all whittle woodland creatures and pa can go fetch the presents from the barn after the blizzard.
Sorry, I think I momentarily fell into an old 'little house on the prairie' episode.
I am going to the gym tomorrow morning and am going to work out like a demon.
then I will finally feel as if I gotten something accomplished.
Hope you all
HAVE A VERY VERY VERY MERRY MERRY MERRY CHRISTMAS!
That's an order,
signed,
your
Sergeant blogger,
Chris

christmas shopping...

well,
Today i bit the bullet and went shopping. It was as I expected and that is all I have to say.
It's done.
Then while I was downstairs my youngest decides to pop into the bedroom and have a look see.
Luckily the present from "santa" for her is stashed at my friends house.
However, I doubt there is anything in here for christmas that she didn't see.
I have no intention of taking anything back.
This is all the money we had and so, this is what she'll be getting...rounds out the holidays nicely I think.
Oh well...Here, maybe a picture will cheer me up...
Nope blogger won't load the picture...
I am done today.
I hope tomorrow is less sucktacular...
good bye,
Chris

No...I was wrong...

DECEMBER is the longest month..
Right after I first started this whole diet/new way of life thing...I went through July.
I don't know why people pop off so many offspring in july...but they do.
I went to a lot of festivities...birthday parties, july 4th etc.
It was very difficult for me. I was only two month in and saying No all the time felt very wearing.

Now it's december. I am in control of my environment for the most part and don't have a whole lot of temptations. I did have a few hurdles here and there.
The worst thing has been time constraints this month. I feel very pressed for time.

Like tonight....
Today was something like this...wake up.
Clean like a maniac cause I haven't been able to lately.
At noon, hubby came home...still cleaning...he hands me a check and reminds me Christmas is on Thursday. Good point.
Went to Apple tree assisted living facility and did Christmas caroling with my girl scout troop.
3:30 all done.
back home, change into gym clothes...go to Ft. carson to cash the check.
thinking I could go to the gym after..
I went to the bank in the px to cash my husband's paycheck...so I can finally buy some presents for the kids, and the line was sooooslow. It took 45 minutes to cash the check.
I won't even discuss the half hour I wasted trying to buy socks I thought were on sale but weren't....30 minutes.
I get out of there at 5:30
I try to go to the gym on Ft. Carson IT IS CLOSED...

This gym is NEVER open...
ugh.
So, I am heading to Peterson to my 'normal gym'
I realize it is 5:45...so I swing by home and make the kids a quick dinner.
Out of there by 6:15...ten minutes to the gym.
In and on Arnold...
I am going 31 minutes in when suddenly they flicker the lights.
The gym closes at 7 on the weekends.
ridic.
I come home and do a mile and a half walk.
total burn 450 calories.. calories, under 1500.
total frustration....off the charts.
It had been one thing or another for two weeks now. I hate to say this, but I am ready for the whole thing to be over.
It's nothing but cookies and chores.
I am trying to make this magical for the kids...but I don't know that gifts are what make Christmas magical.
One of my favorite memories of Christmas occurred when Tim and I and Kate lived in Germany.
We went down to garmisch partenkirchen for Christmas...
On Christmas eve, there we were perched in the bavarian alps...the sun had gone down and there was snow on the mountains...when someone down in the village played silent night.
That was very peaceful, and very special...there were no plastic santa lawn ornaments...loud commercials, or battery operated doodads.
I think I had better watch the grinch who stole Christmas before my heart shrinks three sizes.
There has to be a better way to do this. I want a much more quiet and spiritual Christmas....I feel like I am doing the Christmas vacation come dollar store tacky version.
ugh.
signing off on that cheery note
your grrrrumpy blogger,
Chris




garmisch
Yes, places like this really exist. lol.
Man, sometimes I miss it.

Is it worth it?

Hey all,
First I just wanted to say hey to Alix....lmao....Your "keep up with the pole dancing classes, they are sure to pay off" comment made me laugh. I haven't taken one yet...but you are probably right!

To Everybody else, yes I guess you had to be in the dream...and there with me right after...I think it was all the people in my dream telling me how hard it would be to maintain. I had a comment the other day about my goals that was rather negative..it was in a similar vein, or I don't think it would have connected like that.

Second....I did my workout today and it was awesome.
I burned 670 calories on Arnold, and then did 110 sit-ups and 24 push-ups.

I have realized something that should be obvious...I am not sure a goal weight is optimal when figuring out where to draw the weight loss line.
I think what I may end up doing is getting to 'normal' on the bmi charts (138) and then begin to eat the way I plan to eat the rest of my life and see where the needle lands.

On my weight loss journey, I have had to learn what I can live with, and live without.
I can live without pancakes, potatoes, stuffing, and mac n cheese....

Hands off my coffee or you draw back a bloody nub. That being said...as opposed to one pot of coffee, I have knocked it down to two cups...soon to be just one ( the second cup is never as good).
Lunch? Meh. I can take or leave it...so a smoothie or an apple and some nuts will tide me over till dinner.
Dinner.
It has to be big. It isn't as big as it used to be.
My breakfasts have gotten much bigger.
I swore I would never eat yogurt...
I didn't know there was a yogurt that didn't look and taste like snot.
It's called fage. I eat it with a half cup of sliced peaches and honey.
Other days I eat eggs...whole ones.
I don't separate, eat egg whites.. or suck down egg beaters. I have done all three in the past, and it always felt like I was on a diet...a horrendous feeling I want to avoid at all costs.
I eat two nice, whole eggs with one piece of toast three days a week. If I offend the nutrition Gods so be it.
It's what I can handle...I like mine over easy and I dip my toast in the yolk.
While that may be 'more cholesterol than is allowable'....it can't be anywhere near as bad as the carton of deep fried cheese curds I used to consume two to three times a week.

One of my favorite dinners is tyson breaded chicken breast with packet gravy (20 calories per 1/4 cup) and mushrooms and grilled asparagus.
It usually totals around 600 calories...when I am done, I'm stuffed.
My goal every day is to get in two servings of fruit and three servings of veggies and all the fat and protein I can fit into 1500 calories...which it turns out, isn't much.

I can handle hunger in the afternoons, not at night.
When I am tired, my defenses are lower....also at night, I have nothing to keep me busy. My mind wanders and I want to stuff something in my face, being hungry would make it that much harder.
It helps to know yourself and work with yourself.
Don't try to make yourself something you aren't.

If you like to exercise in the morning, do that. At night, do that (this is me)
Don't try to make yourself exercise in the morning, because it will 'burn more from your fat stores'.
You know why? Because even if you manage to get up and do it....after a week or two, the exercise will become something you dread.
Don't bike if you don't like biking, walk if you don't like walking or run if you don't like running.
Don't eat 1200 calories in the hopes you will look like kate moss.
It isn't sustainable in the long run. And really, do we want to look like an anorexic tomboy?...not really.
I had to ask myself...can I eat like this long term.
I would rather exercise 6 days a week for an hour to an hour and a half then to cut my calories to 1300 for the rest of my life.
I still have some tweaking to do on the food front...a few more favorites to find...but yeah.
I can do this for the rest of my life.

Now for food items I can or can't do without.
Two nights ago, I had a girl scout christmas party and at said party I had
a HALF A CREAM FILLED DONUT...
It clocked in at 150 calories.
Later that night as I was on Christian, It took me 17 minutes to burn off that little piece of donut.
I asked myself...Was it worth it?
No! would be my answer.
Ding* count the ubiquitous donut a remnant of my past.
I am not much for sweets.
If I am going to indulge, it would be tortilla chips and salsa.
Or a spinach enchilada...tacos or pizza.
Take for instance, Papa teddy's pizza.
A personal pizza with sun dried tomatoes and extra cheese and pepperoni baked in a brick oven...ohmagaaaaaaawd is it good!....760 calories.
Worth It?
Worth the pain of 1 hour and 20 minutes on an exercise instrument of torture?
For me, it is.
Once a month, a little papa teddy's joy in my mouth is soooo worth it.

That being said, If I want to incorporate pizza into my weekly intake, I have to watch it a little better than that....so I came up with my super duper medium calorie pizza recipe.
Recipe follows:
one thin crust whole wheat boboli pizza crust (720 calories for the whole crust...120 cal. per serving)
1 package of boboli pizza sauce (100 calories for packet...)
1 1/2 cups lf mozzerella, part skim (240 calories)
Turkey pepperoni 34 pieces (140 calories)
3 slices of ham lunch meat (90 calories)
6 mushrooms Opt. ( 30 cal.)
Any veggies you want.....
Minus veggies it is 220 calories per slice...
I had two slices and a bit more cheese than normal...
My two slices of pizza wound up at 600 calories, because I added some sun dried tomatoes.
I had the extra calories today, because I really watched what i ate early in the day to take dinner into account.
Tasty.
Some of you may wonder if two slices of pizza were worth it...to me, it was.
For you it might be some cheese cake, or a triple whopper with bacon, cheese and mayo. (1250 calories)
It's about calculating what you are willing to expend in exercise vs. what you are wanting to eat.
It's all about balancing calories in vs. calories out.
What kind of body do you want to have.
What kind of life do you want to live.
Is it worth it?
Some people say watching your calories and exercising isn't worth it.
I have tried that, and the price was way too high.
I spent every minute of every day contemplating how fat I was, how hopeless I felt...and how out of control I seemed.

I want to live a long and happy life, be able to enjoy spending time with my family.
Stuffing my face with any and everything I want ISN'T WORTH IT TO ME.
Watching what I eat, enjoying things on occasion and exercising to maintain a healthy weight and a good level of fitness is worth it.
So, what food makes it onto your worth it list?
Your happily fed blogger,
Chris

Last night I had the strangest dream...

okay,
Not breaking into a Simon and Garfunkel song here...just talking about a dream I had last night.
In my dream I was with a friend, and we were rolling skating. (Hi amber...lol)
I roller skated up to this church where there was a revival going on...
Well, we were sitting outside on benches waiting for the service to be over because we didn't want to clackity clack up the aisle in our skates. All the sudden all these older men in silver suits and pompodours came through the open doors with mink coats. They hung them high up on metal racks, a good ten foot up, and told the people standing there that whoever got them off the hangers could take them home for free and keep them.
My thoughts were, in this order: "Those are really beautiful" and "my God those things are expensive..then, "I'm getting that one".
(now, I don't actually wear fur...they make me sneeze)

So, We all (mostly women) stand underneath these coats..(I still have these skates on.) He blows the whistle and we jump.
I couldn't reach it by jumping straight up that way, so I grabbed one of the metal poles that formed the square rack, and using only my hands...I shimmied up the pole and grabbed the bottom of this coat. All the time I am doing this I have people yelling up at me...telling me that I can't do it...it's too high, it's going to be difficult to maintain...and it probably won't fit anyway. I see some people have quit.
But I am hanging on to the bottom of this coat and it is starting to give way. It's really attached to this rack.
It falls and I have got it.
It's really soft, so I go to put it on and in my head I think "What if it doesn't fit?" I think to myself, I've lost a ton of weight so maybe it will.
I put it on and it fits, with room...I think "What if it isn't real?"
So I feel it, I run my fingers down to the underfur, it's lighter....it's softer, it's real.
Then I turned around and saw my old Saturn car sitting there, this other woman was trying to use her key to get in but it wouldn't work.
I said "Hon, that's not your car." "That's my car." She goes "oh." She steps aside.
I look in the back and there are a bunch of rolled up papers. I unlocked it and picked up a scroll.
I opened it and it was some of my old artwork...they all were. There was this beautiful carved wooden candle holder that I had never seen before...but mostly pretty things I had or used to have.
Then I woke up...
I came downstairs...told my husband my dream... I still wasn't sure of the meaning
Until I said...the funny thing was; I had on roller skates...I had to exercise to get there.

Then it hit me, what it meant.
That coat represented beauty. I had to exercise to get there, jump for it and then after I got it I was afraid it wouldn't fit, but it did.
After I put it on....I went and found all the beautiful things that were inside me...my art, what I had to contribute.
Then I woke up.
I love it when I have dreams like that.
It helps me sort out where my brain is at.
Hope you all are finding your beauty...
Your dreaming blogger.
Chris

Merry &*$#^))!!! Christmas!

Hey all,
FIRST, I just want to say...I HAVE 100 PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY READ MY BLOG...HOLY CRAP.
I remember getting ten and thinking..wow, ten people actually want to read my blog.
Now, one hundred people care enough to read it.
I Have looked (or attempted to look) at every single person who has subscribed to my blog.
some of you don't have a link....
If you leave a comment I can swing by. Thank you all so much for caring enough to read and comment. The support has helped me immensely.
Now, for the rest of the post.
Well, today we (meaning my kids and I) went and did our yearly tradition of looking at Christmas lights...
lets just say the magic was missing.
First the kids discussed whether or not the people who had no lights up were really vampires.Then they argued over the Christmas music..(which my teenager burned) that had silent night sung by wheezer on it.
Then we got lost...I ended up going down a dark country road...which would have been really pretty and peaceful if my eight year old hadn't kept yelling 'this sucks, it's really dark and scary" while my teenager kept saying "It's nice, shut up!"
So we make it through one last neighborhood and my teenager insists on listening to a non Christmas song...
It's In the arms of an angel by sara maclachlan...beautiful song...a little depressing.
My teens reasoning behind putting this on a christmas cd....
NOT EVERYBODY IS HAPPY ON CHRISTMAS...
LOL.
Ahhhh....traditions.
I walked 3.5 miles today and kept my calories to 1530.
not bad.
So, for those of you not feeling the magic this Christmas....
Merry flippin' Christmas people.
Your jolly blogger,
Chris

And the Oscar goes to....

Hey all,
I don't know about you, but I have always had a fear of public speaking. Let alone trying to speak to a large group of people....if you look to my right...or right of you lol. You will see I have 99 followers....which is very flattering. Which to me counts as a 'rather large group of people'.
I was thinking on my way home of all those today show success stories. You know the ones...
The ones where they show HOW FAT the person was before, and HOW THIN they are now...Then they pull some moronic trick by showing the person's pounds lost in some sort of food itemy way.
Then they ask what I think is the world's dumbest question...
If you could give someone out there one piece of advice, what would it be?
As if weight loss can be summed up in a sound bite.
I guess for some it can.
Eat less...exercise more...
that is, if you ignore what got that person to that point in the first place.
If you never deal with the underlying issues.
If you think everything in life is as simple as we would all like it to be.
You see...If they got me up there..I probably wouldn't be able to shut up.

The first thing the person on the other end of that transmission would need to understand,
was that I UNDERSTAND...
THIS IS WHAT I WOULD SAY....
I know how you got where you are.
I know how trapped you feel. How ashamed. How hopeless.
How you cover it up by being happy all the time, accomodating, and settling for less because you feel that it is all you deserve.
I KNOW.
Here's what else I know.
You don't need one bit of advice FROM ME.
I am not special.
I am just someone who started seven months before you did.
Who am I?
I am you.
You know what you need to do....you just don't think you can.
Maybe you have tried and failed.
Tried and failed so much you think you have failure tattooed on your forehead.
Maybe you have people telling you daily: how much of a screw up you are...or they call names, or they just don't 'expect much'.

The only thing I can say with 100 percent certainty is YOU CAN.
You are the only inspiration you need.
You! watching this t.v. program (stay with me here....I am in imaginary t.v. land)
Put down that snack...
Now, from here on out...you put your shoes on when you USED to watch this stupid t.v. show.
You take a twenty minute walk.
Every day for thirty days.
Till exercise is a habit, a way of life...just something you do. It's who you are.
Then,
Limit your calories to whatever you can live with, and stay healthy.
Eat to live, instead of live to eat.
There are so many ways to do this I can't name them all.
Calorie counting, weight watchers...et al.
Then you do it, day in and day out.
Good days and bad.
Every day you stick to your plan is a victory.
Every time you slip and fall, then get back up...It's a victory.
Every time you bypass the opportunity to eat your frustration,
your sadness,
your fear,
your loneliness...
it's a VICTORY.

You see, yesterday is yesterday.
Tomorrow is defined by only one thing. You.
Every moment you create yourself anew with your intentions.
You aren't stuck unless you think you are.
All you have to do is let go.
Let go of yesterday and grab on to today. Today is all you have.
Every time you decide to treat yourself with respect, and expect the same from others.
Every time you decide you are worth it.
Every time you say...When you are mentally abusing yourself with that internal voice..
"You know what, I will feel bad about myself tomorrow....today I choose to be happy with me."
It is a victory.


Then one day, you will wake up and find that something quite extraordinary has happened.
Those people you used to watch with awe.
They...are you.
You have become the kind of person you admire.
You have become your own hero.
Then people will ask you....
Then you too, can come stand here and tell people what you did.
And wonder why people listen.
They don't listen because of you.
They listen because deep down,
They know they can do this too.

Hugs,
You slightly demented blogger,
Chris

running....

Hey all,
How's it going...my irritability is on the wain thank goodness. In that kind of mood I might even punch a nun.
I have only eaten 1300 calories today...hmmm.
That means I have some left...
I went to the gym, and apparently the people there missed the sign that said "Chris's elliptical" cause they were all full.
So I got on the dreadmill. I did ten minutes...the first three were spent at 3.0 miles per hour...then I was like "I'm not feeling it."
So I went up to 3.4, 3.6, 3.8...walking still.
I thought,'if I am going to walk like this. Why not try Jogging a little.
So I did. For about five minutes.
I ended up going a half mile total.
Then I thought, If I am going to jog...I am doing it outside...(It was a balmy 48 degrees today.)
So out I went.
I did two more miles, walking quickly. The whole time I am on the track, I am pacing this 'chubby' army guy with taped knees who is jogging walking jogging.
So, during the last quarter...(He was a quarter way up the track) I thought I would pass him and 'beat him' He was doing a two milefitness test (that he was failing) and so was I.
I jogged, I really expected him to put some pep into his step, I mean what guy wants to get beat by a fat housewife in front of his whole platoon....
nope.
I passed him and 'won' by a quarter of a quarter
So, I beat an overweight army guy with bad knees WOOO HOOOO!!!!!!!!!
We all have to start somewhere.
Like:
First I was ogled by a redneck...
then a month or so later, a halfway decent looking set of dudes yelled rude comments out the window of a pickup truck.
Who knows who I'll beat next...an old lady with a walker....a pregnant lady...
The choices are endless...
Well, hope you all were victorious today as well....
Your jogging blogger,
Chris

Which is worse? A question to ponder....

Okay,
I'm back.
The first thing I would like to do...in the spirit of the casa hice (hi alix) I would like to give the one fingered salute to some folks who really deserve it. These people have been bugging the living batsh*t out of me for this last week.
Let's simply start with my song dedication...This is a shout out for all of Tiger's ho's.
Get down girl, go head get down...
For congress for even thinking of passing this hoo which will bury us in debt....yes, that includes the 1.1 trillion dollar spending bill....So I guess this song goes out to Nancy Pelosi...I ain't sayin' she a gold digger....
okay, that's about all...moving on.
I read a comment that really p*ssed me off. ( I blame it on my high level of irritability.)
I hear all the time "Oh, that must be sooo difficult. All that exercise, watching what you eat constantly.
The comment I read on amber's post about her running and trying to balance her life...this comment left by some clueless nit said "I would rather gain a pound than lose a pound and 'torture' myself like you do."
Let me just say right now- VOMIT!
Oh really.
You would rather continue to deteriorate. Be a horrible example to your children, rather than 'torture' yourself via diet and exercise...
Really?
Well, fine for you mister.
I have seen people laying down and giving up. They don't call it that, of course. They say they are "Taking a break"...Or, "enjoying the weekend'. Then I never see them again.
They always have a reason. Then they slip further down the slope, then wallow in self hatred, or self pity.
uh oh...this is turning into Jack's morbidly obese couple post. lol.
(Just so you know, I completely understood where jack was coming from with that post...it was that post that turned me into a permanent reader. That much passion is masking a heart that cares.)
Lets stop right here and take an infomercial break on Chris's anger.
I used to do this. I used to say "I am going to enjoy myself and I am not going to starve. My anger is a direct result of having done THIS VERY THING...OVER AND OVER AND OVER. Till I became morbidly obese. Till I made my body an alter to ill health and myself a martyr to domesticity. It is a lie to make you feel better about staying where you are.

To hear this lie spouted at a good friend who is busting her hump, trying to become fit and balancing family and everything else. To know this may discourage her when she is dealing with enough. Well, lets just say this wasn't the day for me to read it.

So lets make a list, shall we?
Staying fat....

pros
Get to eat what you want when you want.
Get to lay around and not push yourself.
Don't have to balance staying healthy with caring for your family.

cons
Deteriorating health
Bad example to your kids
Lack of self esteem
Lack of energy
Inability to fully contribute to family life
Inability to play, to hike, to have a good time because your too d*mn tired
Unattractive to your own spouse
Unattractive to yourself
Shame
Someday, if you keep eating...you won't be there to care for your family!

NOW!
Getting healthy!

Pros
Increased stamina
increased strength.
You are providing an excellent example your children can follow
You make yourself more attractive to your spouse
You feel more attractive
You feel empowered to create change
You increase your ability to enjoy life
You have (hard earned) pride in yourself.

cons
It takes time and discipline


Now, which is worse?
Feeling like crap daily...feeling fat, unhappy sluggish and ashamed?
Or feeling empowered, fit, happy and proud?
I know which one was 'torture' for me.

hmmmmmm.
Your newly motivated blogger
Chris

BURN OUT

I need a break....not from weight loss, from life.
Today, after I pick my oldest up from school, I am going to drop her off at home and go spend some time relaxing and enjoying myself.
Barnes and nobles, here I come. A good cup of coffee....a nice romance novel.
I am just flat out tired.
I have been going for seven months now and need some time to relax. So I won't be blogging later.
Hope you guys have a great night.
bye bye,
your burnt out blogger.
chris

wally world is wild...and a nsv.

Hey all,
I had a long and interesting day. I took the kids shopping at walmart.
I had to buy a few things, most especially for my nephew. I bought him two outfits and a toy.
I bought him some wooden blocks with the alphabet on them. It was fun to shop for a little one again.
I got home and got ready for the gym.
I did 45 minutes on Christian and burned 450 calories...my heart rate has been much lower on this machine than it used to be. I was clocking in at 120-123 bpm. Target fat burning zone.
I spent another 30 minutes on the dreadmill. I plodded out 1.5 miles at an average 3.0 mph and a 2.0 incline. I burned 151 calories...mostly because of some faster intervals I threw in.
I hate the treadmill.
I would rather walk outside or do the elliptical.
I don't know why, but with the elliptical you can feel the burn and the intervals are quicker and harder. I know I could run, but don't want to just yet...Right now I do arnold four days and christian and walking two days. I want four hard higher target heart rate zones and then two long, low and slow workouts. My next official weigh in is on December 18th. I really do wonder what I'll clock in at. It should be interesting.
I need some excitement.
Now I am going to write about a personal victory for me tonight.
This is not to trash my husband...but as we all know we all have our 'moods'.
His frequently occur just prior to departing for work. He is never together and demands everyone find everything.
This is usually fine, when Tom isn't knocking.
But he is....and I wasn't much in the mood to be condescended to.
(never end a sentence with a preposition.)
So, He can't find his tie, and he has to leave in five minutes.
I said, "oh, I think I know where your striped tie is..."
So I go to look for it..and he yells up..."For the last time (!!!???or what???!!!)...on Fridays and Saturdays, it's the striped tie, on Mondays and tuesdays it's the black tie.."
I look over the balconey...most of me wanted to just flip him the bird.
I just arched my eyebrow and said "Tim....I don't need know that...I'm not your mother."
You see, he is a full grown adult...fully capable of finding his own tie. Black or striped, I give a rats *ss.
I don't need to know what he needs to wear when, that is his issue.
He just looked at me. I stopped looking for his tie and started doing laundry and by happenstance found his tie.
I was proud of the way I handled that. Before I would have either gotten very angry at his "tone' or would have taken it upon myself to 'fix' his situation.
Why do we do that? By we I mean women. Men aren't children, and by treating them like they are, I don't think we are doing them any favors.
I know I don't want him thinking of me as his mother...or his doormat.
I relinquish the title to both effective immediately.
I am not going to watch t.v. anymore.
It doesn't do a thing for me. I will clean, do school, spend time with my family and blog...
But I really want to start drawing and painting again...to do that, I have to give up something...I think that something could be television. Most of it is crap anyway.
well, hope you all had a great day....
exercise 1 hr and 15 minutes.
Food-under 1500 calories.
Hugs,
Your slightly irritable blogger,
Chris

Oh Christmas tree...

hey all,
My string of strange luck reared it's whimsical head yet again...
My oldest had a friend over last night and I was driving the girl home today when I got a flat tire. I saw my gas light go on so I go to pull into a conaco station....I felt the van do a funny little lurch when we turned right and then when we turned left I heard a distinct thwunk and wobble...I just knew it was a flat tire...I have had five or six in the last 14 months. It's powers, there is a ton of construction and I pick up every spare bolt and piece of metal...and on one scary occasion...ran over a cinder block.
Luckily, I got the flat tire while pulling into a gas station.
So, I was able to fill up, wash my windows and use the gas station phone to call geico emergency roadside assistance, who called a mechanic for me who could come to my location and fix my flat.
Not bad.
I then dropped off kates friend and headed to walmart to pick up our Christmas tree....we got going a little late this year.
Just got it put up. Don't have the ornaments, but did put the lights on. I let my Sophie put the angel on top.
I listened to Christmas music, and actually felt the warm fuzzies.
I told my daughter, and she said "OH! That means your happy!
We were talking about the tree and how pretty it was, then she said, "The tree is like a piece of art." I said, "Yes, it is."
Then she said "Artwork is unique, just like people are unique." ( she draws as much as I used to at her age...she leaves paper everywhere lol)
I said, yes they are.
Then she said.... "people are like pieces of art, and how we look is the artist's signature'.
I looked and said "That is a great idea, Sophie.."
then I said, "Who is the artist?"
She said, "God".
nuff said.
I love having conversations with her.
Sometimes I can't believe she is only eight.
I went to the gym, and did one hour on Arnold.
I kept my calories to under 1500.
Hope you all are having a great day and enjoying the season..
Whether Hannukah, or Christmas.
Hugs,
Chris

100 things I'd rather do than regain my weight..(for jack sh*t).

1.) Take a Cross country road trip with my MIL
2.) Catch my oldest daughter making out with marilyn manson.
3.) Get a Brazilian bikini wax
4.) Sit through a marathon screening of all 12 feature length pokemon movies.
5.) Read earth in the balance by Al Gore.
6.) join the army-again.
7.) Attend another junior league meeting.
8.) Wear a beige jumper and headband.
9.) Drive an el camino
10.) Go to bingo night.
11.) Wear a tube top sans bra, and an acid washed skirt in public
12.) Wake up to find both an empty bottle of vaseline-and alan combes in.my.bed.
13.) Have a four minute conversation with a member of Peta.
14.) Wear mohair
15.) Go to the mall and talk to a cell phone salesman
16.)) buy my child a combo drum/accordion set.
17.) Allow a homeless man to live in my crawl space.
18.) Go down to the bar and do shooters from between the *ss cheeks of a guy named lou.
19.) Bleach my hair blond and call myself trixie.
20.) Join a committee
21.) learn to dance the polka.
22.) get a degree in 'women studies'
23.) wear white satin in public.
24.) wear a pair of shorts that say "jailbait' across my *ss to walmart.
25.) Explain to my mother when and where I lost MY virginity.
26.) Go to the airport dressed as a moonie and harass people.
27.) conversate with Kanye west.
28.) Lick the inside of a porta potty on the us/mexico border.
29.) allow jan crouch to do my hair and makeup.
30.) explain the merits of capitalism to a junior college philosophy major.
31.) listen to Michael Buble sing der ring des nibelung.
32) Watch Steven Seagal discuss his approach to acting on "Inside the Actors studio".
33.) Take Courtney love to a bible study.
34.) Dress in lady ga ga's cast off clothing for the next year.
35.) Get a third boob implant.
36.) pay for everything in pennies, for the rest of my life.
37.) start a 50 state spoon collection.
38.) have astro turf for indoor carpeting
39.) Have joan rivers give me botox.
40.) cross against the light in Germany
41.) sit through thirty straight in home vacuum demonstrations.
42.) Read war and peace aloud to the hard of hearing.
43.) alphabetize my spice rack
44.) Tattoo my start weight on my forehead
45.) End every conversation with a quote from nietzsche...like:
“There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.”
46.) Use a magic 8 ball for all future major decisions.
47.) Get my hair done in dreads
48.) eat liver
49.) Date a carnie
50.) Start an "I <3 Nancy Pelosi" fan club.
51.) Wear a Davy Crockett coon skin cap for a night on the town.
52.) come up with 100 ways to prepare pickled bologna.
53.) watch how spam is made....then eat some.
54.) attend a lecture on "How to cleanse your chakra."
55.) Give up coffee....
56.) join a G 20 protest and shout "Down with the man'.
57.) Redo high school
58.) become chief gum scraper at the local cinemark.
59.) Talk about my feelings for the rest of my life using only 'I' statements.
60.) Call elderly relatives to inquire about their health issues.
61.) read the new yorker's non sequiter cartoon daily and pretend to laugh.
62.) Ghost write Paris Hilton's book about her life philosophy.
63.) Attend a professional wrasslin' match.
64.) pick nits off a baboons ass
65.) explain the term 'anal fisting' to my children.
66.) wear clogs
67.) fly the rebel flag out front, and park my car on blocks.
68.) allow my nickname to be 'skeeter'
69.) Pick the lint out of Michael Moore's navel.
70.) Vote for Ron Paul
71.) Get a tattoo that says Big mama.
72.) Write a Frommer's guide to living it up in Deee-troit.
73.) Watch the Omaha dinner theatre version of Cats.
74.) Celebrate the summer solstice by going to arizona and being at one with both the earth, and the other freaks who are celebrating the summer solstice.
75.) walk around for a month wearing tie dye and telling everyone to 'just chill, man'.
76.) Hike through the rugged and austere beauty that is waziristan.
77.) Write an op ed about the intricacies of nascar.
78.) Become a biker's babe.
79.) Allow lindsay lohan to give me advice.
80.) Super glue my fingers together.
81.) Listen to my husband drone on daily about world of warcraft while feigning interest (oh wait..)
82.) Learn the Uzbek language.
83.) Put together entire house full of sauder home furnishings with instruction provided only by deaf midget with limited mime skills
84.) Wear black mesh of any kind.
85.) Discuss the merits of outcome based learning with the product of said teaching.
86.) Sweep the floor daily with an angry ferret.
87.) Become a tele marketer.
88.) Wear driving gloves and pretend I need them to 'drive'.
89.) Two words- goat meat.
90.) Have a scottish bag piper wake me daily.
91.) Hunt coon-n- possum for dinner
92.) Clip each piece of grass on my lawn until they are exactly one and a half inches tall.
93.) Watch bio dome again.
94.) Cover the bumper of my mini van in 'coexist' stickers
95.) Braid Robin William's back hair.
96.) Listen to Joy Behar sing somewhere over the rainbow.
97.) Watch a t.v. marathon of the hulk hogan reality show .
98.) Eat a tofurkey.
99.) Pimp my ride...
100.) Write a list of 100 things I'd rather do than regain my weight.

December 10th...smoothielicious

Hey all,
Well, I broke out the blender today and went to town.
I had a vanilla banana smoothie with whey isolate and peaches.
I put four or five ice cubes in it and 1 cup of milk.
It was okay...I think I need less milk and maybe some strawberries.
I split it with my eight year old.
She liked it well enough.

I went to the gym and did sixty minutes on christian.
I've been alternating between Arnold and Christian for a while now.
I do Arnold for a heavy burn and christian if I want to work on speed.
On the third day, I do a lighter cardio workout so...christian for a half hour then forty five minutes on the dreadmill.
I replaced the batteries in my armband radio and was rewarded with a long string of upbeat music...very cool.
ended my workout with empire state of mind with Alicia keys.
I love music...always have.
all kinds.
I like classical, pop, rock, folk, country, rap, alternative, R&B and the occasional heavy metal song...as long as it is done well.
As long as it expresses something real.
current song I loathe is fireflies by owl something or other.
Its a nonsense song that doesn't even have the decency to be quirky enough to be cute.
It's just annoying.
Current song I love but find a little disturbing...
Russian Roulette by Rihanna.
It give me goosebumps, but I feel it sends a bad message to the youth. I say that tongue in cheek on the one hand and concerned mother on the other hand...
I sometimes feel bi polar.
Current song I simply love and will be around forever.
empire state of mind
alicia keys and Jay z.
I love art, all kinds. I feel people have the right and need to express themselves creatively...then I hear one of them spout bs and my midwestern redneck kicks in and I feel my bullsh*t meter peg.

that's why I can enjoy a movie like magnolia (one of my all time favorites...if you haven't seen it then see it, if only for the scene at the end...'sometimes these things happen'), and then be physically unable to sit through an oscar telecast while pretentious numbnuts blather on about war and peace when not a d*mn one of them has seen the working end of an m-16. Yet still admire their dresses and coif, and idealism.

It's difficult.
I love Tupac Shakur. His music was incredible.
Too bad he was such a thuggish *ss.

I love Bruce Springsteen...love, love, love his music....
His political leanings leave me cold. I hear people say all the time...I can't buy his music...
I can't not buy his music.
I think he is a musical genius.
I have learned to separate my love of art from the artists propensity to be completely crack brained.
Because if I selected my art based on someones personal belief systems...
I would have Thomas Kincaid art all over my house...
and then I would be forced to self immolation or to an unwanted, but suddenly necessary move.

My favorite artist is Andrew wyeth...whom everyone knows from Christina's world...I like his Young America painting the best (see picture at top). I also like his self portrait. His work always looks very straightforward, but there is usually something a little darker underneath that keeps me looking.
That is what good art is. It allows you to view the scene, the story, the music through your unique prism.
I have absolutely no way to tie this into weight loss unless I say something goofy like...
"I am making my body a living sculpture (*blech)
Create a masterpiece, exercise *retch.
lol.
Well,
I am done now.
Hugs,
Your pretentious, artsy-fartsy, midwestern redneck.
Chris

an aura of the inevitable....

Hey guys, late post tonight.
Everything was late tonight.

Well, I had the girl scout meeting tonight. I just wanted the kids to practice, practice, practice those christmas songs.
It's important, that way they don't feel like a deer in headlights when they get up to sing.
At least they'll know the lyrics ;o)

I just wanted to blog a little tonight about that feeling of inevitability.
There are days when you wake up and say, uh oh...I feel a binge coming on.
what do you do when that voice gets in your head.
The voice that says;
One cookie won't matter...
then you eat the cookie....and you think. Well, that wasn't so bad, in fact it was pretty darn good.
You know, I could eat another one and have a smaller dinner.
So you eat another one....but when dinner time comes,you find you are hungry and then you say, hey...
so what's 200 calories....it's just one day.
You string enough of those kinds of days together and you have what is commonly called
a "plateau".
Made all the more hideous by the fact that you felt you were dieting, you felt you were trying.
but somewhere, somehow..some food snuck in under our radar.
It could be something as simple as slacking off on the size of your chicken breasts....not measuring the sugar for your coffee....
You have enough 'bad weigh-ins", you begin to feel as though you are 'swimming up stream'.
You get tired of fighting, and maybe some of you allow the current to carry you back down stream.
10 lbs downstream, 20 lbs downstream....100 lbs downstream....
until you decide to start swimming again.
Swimming upstream requires constant vigilance.
But after a while you develop muscles from all that swimming upstream...
instead of feeling like rapids, it starts feeling like a trickle.
Sure there will be moments when a storm comes, and man do you have to fight.
Maybe you get pushed back a little....but you keep going.
Take tonight.
I missed my workout on Monday,
had a piss poor workout tuesday...
had a much better one on wednesday.
Then there was today....
Anything that could go wrong DID GO WRONG
.
1.) I washed all my workout clothes together...figured I would have enough for the next five days...yeah me! Thinking ahead. I'm a go getter.
I washed them with a tube of lipstick, and then dried them with the same tube of lipstick.
every.single.article was covered in my attractively colored peachy mauve lipstick.

This was at one in the afternoon...

I went to walmart to develop some pictures and pick up some stain remover (and a new tube of lipstick lol) I come back, and put the clothes back in the wash with the stain remover.
Go pick up my daughter from school...
bake some cookies for girl scouts get stuff around...oh crap check the wash for the clothes.
Yeah! all the lipstick came out.
quick in the dryer, downstairs to the girl scout meeting...goes well.
Back home,
2.) but first need to drop off crafts to two of my girls that didn't make the meeting.
I get there at 6:30, and get into a conversation that lasted till 7:00 . I always do this with this particular mom....probably a hint we should hang out. We always have something to talk about.
Home, yeah! No time for dinner, got to go to the gym....
clothes should be dry...

3.)but they aren't
I. DIDN'T. START. THE. DRYER.
I have one bright greeny blue t shirt and the worlds dorkiest sweat pants....no exercise bra.
I pull one WET out of the dryer.
I put it on.
I go to the gym.

4.)I go to go in and realize I left my water bottle in the van. Half of the bottle was filled with water, which is now a frozen chunk of ice...fine, whatever...I will fill it with what water I can...besides, with this wet bra, I need to get inside it is 1 degree.
I go to switch on my armband radio and

5.) ITS DEAD.
I left it on.
So there I am, no water...cold tits, no music.

I go in and hop on arnold...staring blankly ahead watching "so you think you can dance' with no sound. All that hectic gyration and flailing looks ridiculous with no sound.
suddenly I hear

6.)"Oh, shut the hell up!"
It's some guy wearing headphones, watching fox news yelling at a liberal who was talking on a panel on the hannity show. I was pretty sure he was yelling at the liberal, because every time ann coulter would talk, he would laugh.
Now I'm riveted by the nut with the headphones.
(look, I lean right of center, but good brother man...YOU shut the hell up!)

Then this married couple walks in....
He goes to get on the recumbant bike, she on the treadmill.
He gets up and she YELLS: Where are you going?
He's all: It doesn't work...
She Yells: Ask the lady for help.
He: grabs his cell phone and departs.
I am staring at my feet, trying not to laugh..I look up and realize I still have 32 minutes left on this thing.
(I would label that number 7,but in all honesty...these two kept me amused the last half of my workout.)
I look to my right and see glee...which I would love to watch, looks like a great show.
I have no headphones.
wow.
lol.
Look what I was missing by filling my ears with music.
I am buying new batteries tomorrow.
It was a horrible workout.
It was boring, uninspiring...I was tired, and cold...
and I did it anyway.
want to know what kind of aura of inevitablity I have?
Victory.
You can have it too.
Don't let ANYTHING GET IN YOUR WAY.
Not a late night, not a bad day...not eating too many cookies...or a half can of refried beans....or pumpkin cheesecake or tortilla chips...Not an ice filled water bottle, wet bra, dorky pants, no sleep, or an argument with a good friend, not loneliness, or anger, or sadness, nothing.
If you did any of that, or felt any of that, it's just one day...
It's yesterday, it's not tomorrow.
Get back up, and climb back on the Krab.
I ate 1510 calories.
I had one sugar cookie, it was small and 85 calories.
Part of me wanted another.
But then I would have had a dinner that wouldn't have satisfied a gnat.
I didn't eat a second one.
I had one heck of a dinner at 9:30 this evening...after the gym and everything else.
270 calories of turkey sausage
1 red bell pepper
7 mushrooms
3/4 of a cup of sugar snap peas
awesomeness...and filling.
Have a great tomorrow.
Do it for you.
Hugs,
Your cold breasted jogging blogger,
chris

I want to be like you, mom.....

Hi all,

So after reading Jack's blog, I couldn't stand it...
I went out and bought Rudolph the red nosed reindeer, frosty the snoman and It's Christmas, Charllie brown.
Tonight we watched Rudolph...and it really ticked Sophie off. She couldn't believe that the reindeer and the elves treated people that way....it was cute.

I am writing this post a day early because something pretty neat just happened.
I know we all have our sad fat stories.
Things someone said that really struck us in the gut.
Well, about nine years ago...when my oldest was six, almost seven...
I was trying to get her to eat some of her breakfast because we were headed to the mountains to ski.
She wouldn't eat...I was pressuring, and she said, "You just want me to be fat like you."

Well, that was a moment.
What do you say to that?
No, I don't?
Yes, I do?
I'm not fat?
I was.
It's almost akin to that question "So, have you stopped beating your wife?"
I told her that I didn't want her to be fat, just not hungry when we went skiing.
My husband about lost his nut.
I was three months pregnant at the time...and he was all, "Your mother is pregnant'.
I just wanted the subject dropped, quite frankly.
Kate apologized. I accepted.
We moved on.

So you can imagine my arrested posture upon this announcement through the bathroom door tonight.
I am taking a bath...listening to music...relaxing.
Sophie, my youngest.

"Mom, I want to be you for Halloween."
(I know, Halloween is a year away, for some reason she is always planning what she is going to be for halloween.)
I say...
"You want to be like me?"

She says "Yeah, I have your shirt on.."
I say "OKAY"...
I am waiting to hear what she says..
She says..."Well, I will have to put a shirt on under this one, cause this one is big.."
I thought, oh here we go again...
She says "But I will need some tights too."
I say "Tights?"
She says "Yeah, Tights and tennis shoes, So I can jog door to door"
I sat there for a second and said...
"Cause that's what I do? Jog?"
She says "Yeah."

Now if I never lost another pound. If I never look like Jillian Micheals.
If I have to cram my *ss in a pair of 12's or 14's the rest of my born days.
I will still do this.
...My daughter wanting to 'Be like me"...
Can't beat that sh*t.

Hugs,
The jogging blogger,
Chris