The picture I refused to send...
Pretend for a second that was you.
What would you have said to yourself as you walked around that day?
Maybe...I hope no-one takes my picture...
or, when you are handing your beautiful little girl her barbies you're thinking that you hope she doesn't turn out like you.
Or maybe when you went to walmart with your little brother and someone mistook you for husband and wife...and you felt sorry for him.
That anyone would think he would marry a fat pig like you.
I knew he deserved better than ME At any rate.
What I hadn't realized was that I DESERVED BETTER.
This picture didn't trip my trigger by the way...
I merely hid it in the back of beyond on my computer.
I don't know about you....
Oh, happy 2010 by the way...
I don't know about you,
But I have had those words said to me....
Who do you think You are?
It's always said with derision, or anger...with some form of negative connotation attached.
As if you had the audacity to expect something,
or want something you knew perfectly well you neither needed nor deserved.
Who do you think you are!
Who do you think you are?
And is what you think keeping you stuck?
Did you fail at weight loss this year?
Deep down, do you think you are a failure?
Are you fat?
Deep down, do you think You are a 'fat pig'?
Do you believe you are incapable of being fit?
Do you believe it's too late?
Do you think you have no control over what goes in your face?
Then you are right...in only one sense.
What you believe, you achieve.
Sounds hokey...but is it?
You live out your beliefs.
You certainly aren't going to do something you don't believe in.
The most important step in any journey is believing you can make it....
That you can do it, or
That you can achieve it.
What is the point of 'trying'... if deep down, you know you can't?
What is the point of starting, when you believe you are just going to fail?
Or even worse, you believe that you simply aren't worth the effort.
What do you believe about yourself?
You think you know who you are now.
A year ago I firmly believed I was....
The mother who bakes.
The daughter who never complains.
The wife who is always 'there'.
The rock of Gibraltar.
The never ending support system.
The funny, fat friend.
Who am I now?
I am the mother who hates to bake.
The daughter who speaks up.
The wife who tells her husband she is going to the gym.
A person who knows she cannot be everyone's safe harbor..
A person who knows that sometimes it is she that needs support.
The friend who is sometimes funny, and sometimes sad, mad or pissed at the world.
Who do I think I am!
I can't just say no to baking!
I can't tell my mother how I feel about my childhood!
I can't just go to the gym with dirty dishes in the sink!
I can't tell my friend my problems...I am supposed to be the problem solver.
You know what?
Yes, I can.
To all of those
I am not a cookie cutter wife (pun intended)
I am not required to be the 'perfect' daughter.
The dishes can wait and you know what...real friends want to help.
Maybe you don't know what to ask for...I didn't at first.
Now I do.
Daily I ask for:
Who do I think I am!
I am a human being with wants and needs and desires that are not more important than, but just as important as...anyone's.
If you don't believe that, you have bigger problems than weight.
I know I did.
This year I actually had a want for Christmas.
Two years ago, heck....last year when asked-all I could say was "I don't know"
And I didn't.
It is almost as if for fifteen years, I was buried alive.
I was like a walking dead woman.
I had given up on happiness, health, fun and future dreams.
I couldn't have answered that question for the life of me...not if someone had put a gun to my head.
I just didn't know.
Then one day I looked up and saw what I had become.
I realized I had lost any passion for life years ago.
I didn't know that person.
I had to find me.
The me buried under 130 lbs of fat.
The me I was scared of.
The one who wouldn't take being ignored or left out.
The me that wasnt afraid to try, to ask and to fail.
Here she is....
You might see this picture and think....WOW, she has lost some weight.
Which would be true.
It's unfortunate that people can't see the biggest transformation.
The transformation of the mind.
What's most telling.
I am happy. Not ashamed.
It isn't how fat I am or am not.
It's about me, taking control of my life and everything in it.
It was about me making a promise to myself and keeping it...because I am worth the effort.
Knowing your own worth is the most critical aspect of this whole journey.
I hope you are new here.
I hope YOU have decided to find out
WHO YOU THINK YOU ARE!!!
And that for once in your life...you don't give up on yourself.
You keep looking and you keep trying until you are living the kind of life
Not the one you are willing to settle for.
It's a new year.
Don't let it slip away.