12.27.2009

My 200th post-and becoming a whole person.

wow,
200 posts! Who knew I had that much to say..I didn't.
I guess deep down I was bursting at the seams with words.
So, I am kind of on autopilot till the 1rst.
I am eating 1500-1600 calories. I exercised today for an hour.

I realized something pretty important today.
The importance of talking to someone who has been in your shoes.
It's one thing to talk to somebody and have them listen.
It's another thing to talk to someone and have them understand.....completely.
It makes you feel less strange and alone.
I should have done alot of things in life, the number one thing I should have done earlier in life was to reach out to people who have been through what I have been through so I didn't feel so alienated and alone.
Life is a continual growing experience.
I talked to my brother in law tonight as well.
It was an interesting conversation...It confirmed some of my suspicions about how I have been viewed for a long time.
I think I corrected some of the misconceptions.
I am still very glad I live in Colorado as opposed to closer.
I have some strong willed in laws. I am glad our family had a chance to grow and be strong and thrive without a lot of meddling and interference.

I am going to continue to go to the gym on through till the 31rst.
That will be my final weigh in day for the year.

When I started in May, I had no idea I would be where I am now.
Contrary to the ball of fire you are now viewing, I was less than certain.
I had tried so many times to lose weight, and failed...
I threw everything I had at this attempt in the hopes that something would stick, or click.

1.) This attempt included Personal leverage in the form of a picture that would go to my hometown newspaper that included my weight and my failure to lose said weight. If I hadn't at least lost forty pounds by the end of the year, my ex boyfriend would have been gazing at my fat self in the clare county review come January 1rst (I had every intention of sending it).
I lost it, and thirty on top of it at least.

2.) I started a blog. I told everyone who could hear. (or read)

3.) I wanted it so badly that I was willing to give up the one thing I had been using for comfort....food....and move towards a more whole and complete life.

It wasn't just food...it was everything.
How I related to my world was whack.
I didn't.
I just ate it.
I knew I had no concept of how to get out there and start living...how to widen my horizon and how to find different ways to cope.
Seven months in, I have found a few ways to deal with what life throws at me.
You know,
Exercise for stress relief...
Books for relaxation
Friends for company
as opposed to:
Food for stress relief
Food for relaxation
and
Food for company.

Heck my mil doesn't even stress me like she used to.
I feel so much more comfortable "in my skin'.
I am starting to like myself.
I am starting to let some of the things I have banging around in my head out into the world.

You guys probably read my blog and think "She talks like she writes"
I don't.
I could count on one hand the people who could identify me solely by reading what is on this blog site...other people would have no clue.
Only with people I am really close to, do I talk like this.
Everyone else thinks I am quiet.
I have a very hard time meeting people, talking or even expressing what I want to say.
I started this blog as a way to log my attempts at weight loss and financial frugality.
It became a kind of anonymous clubhouse where I could be the person who resided in my head.
This blog is where I can come and say what it is I am thinking. Things I don't say out loud. Things I would never have dared to say.
This blog has given me the confidence to start doing things I didn't think I could.
It has helped me say it (whatever it is) "out there".
It has helped me become 'more me."
I would like to thank everyone for the support I get here.
For the kind comments and the acceptance.
I didn't get alot of that growing up and I 'learned' to keep ME to myself.
For a long time, I made myself as small as possible...as unobjectionable as possible.
I tried not to 'bother' people.
I tried to be 'useful'.
I never gave a shot at just being myself.
To expressing myself, to accepting myself and taking whatever talents I might have and putting them out there. I think deep down, I thought that what I had to give wasn't worth taking.
Now, I think I am going to start stretching a little.
Trying new things. I may have something to give, or to say..that might help someone else.
It's exciting.
Well, this 200th post is long enough me thinks.
Oh and for the people who wanted to know about where I got my adding a zero to my weight thing...here is where I got it. I looked at her and thought...she looks like she knows where of she speaks. I went with that. I go by what works. It's who I am.
Talk to you all tomorrow.
hugs,
The guru of personal growth (lol)
Chris

22 comments:

Rettakat said...

This was a touching post, Chris. I think a lot of us can relate to it... the person we are "inside" is not the person we present to the world, for so many reasons.

I have a feeling that we will be blossoming as we lose weight, and gain the freedom to be the "real" us. I look forward to it!
Loretta
=^..^=

MrsFatass said...

Love the post, Chris. And I think a lot of us who let it all hang out here are not like that in real life. In fact, my BFF didn't know the shart story til she read it on my blog.

Alix said...

"How I related to my world was whack.
I didn't.
I just ate it."


You speak for us all, Chris... you speak for us all.

Congratulations on #200! That's quite a milestone, but more, what you've accomplished in these 200 posts. I'm so proud of you and stand with you shoulder to shoulder. We in our skinny jeans!

But seriously, I want you to know that your voice is so clear and strong and it resonates throughout the blogosphere to all of us, fatties and former fatties alike. You not only give us hope, but you demonstrate it. Illustrate it. You have not only talked the talk, but walked the walk. And most importantly, you have PROVEN that hard work, dedication, and focus on fitness, proper nutrition, and mental reconditioning will bring you to your desired goals. The "magic bullet" does not exist and never will for this reason... thin does not equal healthy. There are lots of thin people running around out there who are ticking time bombs. If you take a pill to whittle yourself down to 90 pounds but it stresses your heart and you collapse, what's the point? It's the process of reinvention that lasts and that brings more value than a smaller size on a hanger. It brings a wealth of confidence and euphoria for triumphing over previously held and unhealthy notions - of self, of life and of worth.

So I raise my glass to you Chrissipoo. You are an inspiration and a good friend. You are wise and you are fun. Here's to a prosperous and successful 2010. I love you.

PS: I adored your comment on my blog regarding our right to bear arms. You literally made me laugh out loud! You, my dear, are a hoot extraordinaire! So, so funny!

♥ Casa Hice

What a Splurge said...

I have to agree with Alix that your voice is consistent, your remarks are insightful and encouraging to others. 2010 will be a great year!

Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit said...

Auto-pilot is a good way to describe this week. Still can't get after it hardcare because of the holiday parties and being off routine, but don't want to do any damage either.

I'm on auto-pilot, too. :)

karen@fitnessjourney said...

I love the way you write and assumed that it reflected your personality in "the real world". I'm curious, would you like the blog Chris and the real world Chris to be the same person or are you happy and content with being a quieter, more insightful person? Either way, you are the kind of friend that I, and I'm sure many of your readers, would love to have.

Thank you for your posts. It is obvious that a lot of effort goes into their composition and it's much appreciated. All the best in the new year!

Salina Lyn said...

I can totally relate. Thanks for sharing, you made me smile. :)

Christine said...

Congrats on post number 200, it was a good one! I totally relate as well. Also, I wish my MIL hadn't announced to me recently she found my blog. Then maybe I could be more happy in my own clubhouse. :S!!!!

Thanks for the youtube linky. I like her philosophy, turns out its close to my current calculations. ♥

Brenda said...

I loved what you said, Chris. And your thoughts on listening vs. understanding was good food for thought. Congratulations on your 200th post.
Concerning the starfish on my post...I know...I'm a s-i-c-k woman!!!
I am happy to say that I got on the scale today, and I didn't gain one single pound!!! Yay!
Have a wonderful day.
Brenda

Tony the Pink Panda said...

What a great post. I love the way you write. It feels like I'm reading into your thoughts. Congrats on making it to 200 post, it shows that you are in it for the long run.

South Beach Steve said...

Chris, you have certainly had a lot of growth this year. As you said, I picture you talking just like you do on this blog. I guess the blog allows us to throw some of our face-to-face inhibitions aside and share what we need to share to get through. You are really doing great.

Julie Lost and Found said...

Thank you so much for this awesome post!

I am just at the beginning, and have just started to let go of:

Food for stress relief
Food for relaxation
and
Food for company

Working on finding alternatives to all three. It's hard getting going. I know it'll be worth it. It's so great to find blogs such as yours and the so many others I'm coming across. This is wonderful!!

antgirl said...

It is amazing what we 'gain' and how we grow, isn't it?

I'm still befuddled and giddy over it. I suppose that's why I'm always encouraging everyone else. :)

I'm excited to read that someone else has found the same thing I did.

Melissa said...

Great post!! Happy 200th post Chris!!
Don't you sometimes wish you could go back 5 years ago and let your "now" self tell your "then" self how easy it can be?

Stephanie said...

What an honest post. Thank you for sharing your journey.
BODA weight loss

bbubblyb said...

Congrats on the 200 posts. Great post and so true Chris.

Kimberley said...

Very touching post. Thanks for letting us out here in blogger land get to the know you.

outdoor.mom said...

Wow you have really come a long way!! Good for you :-) It is very inspiring for us all.

Thanks also for your encouragement! its nice to know that other people are like me. I deleted the post since my husband thought it would bother people who know us well. I was ok with them knowing, but also appreciate his wisdom in matters. Anyway, your encouragement was great!! Thank you!!

Bar Mitzvahzilla said...

Chris, You're awesome and it's always amazing reading about your journey. I'm sure the two "yous" will match up somewhere on this road and you'll become one person virtually and actually: strong, funny, self-assured, and right-sized!

Sean Anderson said...

Chris,

What an incredibly well written post. Your writing is honest and real, it's an awesome story---you're coming alive---you're inspiring so many with this open style of writing. Being able to relate to you and your very real struggles and triumphs---and reading it in such a wonderful way you present everything---it's just great.
I've always said that my journey has helped me really discover me, the me that was smothered for so long...that me, is finally able to breathe for the first time ever.

Thank you for your wonderful blog.

My best always
Sean

Paula Rodriguez said...

Enjoyed today's most more than anything. I admire where you are at and what it took for you to get there. I agree with the others when they say your "voice" is pretty darn consistent. I admire that and hope I can follow suit.

To look back and see where you've been and where you are and really liking the person you've become is just wonderful Chris. I needed to read this message today of all days.

Thanks for being there for me in the comment section of my blog. It means a great deal to me.

AUTO-PILOT is a great place to be.

Hanlie said...

That's a great way of describing it - being whack. I get that.