12.10.2009

100 things I'd rather do than regain my weight..(for jack sh*t).

1.) Take a Cross country road trip with my MIL
2.) Catch my oldest daughter making out with marilyn manson.
3.) Get a Brazilian bikini wax
4.) Sit through a marathon screening of all 12 feature length pokemon movies.
5.) Read earth in the balance by Al Gore.
6.) join the army-again.
7.) Attend another junior league meeting.
8.) Wear a beige jumper and headband.
9.) Drive an el camino
10.) Go to bingo night.
11.) Wear a tube top sans bra, and an acid washed skirt in public
12.) Wake up to find both an empty bottle of vaseline-and alan combes in.my.bed.
13.) Have a four minute conversation with a member of Peta.
14.) Wear mohair
15.) Go to the mall and talk to a cell phone salesman
16.)) buy my child a combo drum/accordion set.
17.) Allow a homeless man to live in my crawl space.
18.) Go down to the bar and do shooters from between the *ss cheeks of a guy named lou.
19.) Bleach my hair blond and call myself trixie.
20.) Join a committee
21.) learn to dance the polka.
22.) get a degree in 'women studies'
23.) wear white satin in public.
24.) wear a pair of shorts that say "jailbait' across my *ss to walmart.
25.) Explain to my mother when and where I lost MY virginity.
26.) Go to the airport dressed as a moonie and harass people.
27.) conversate with Kanye west.
28.) Lick the inside of a porta potty on the us/mexico border.
29.) allow jan crouch to do my hair and makeup.
30.) explain the merits of capitalism to a junior college philosophy major.
31.) listen to Michael Buble sing der ring des nibelung.
32) Watch Steven Seagal discuss his approach to acting on "Inside the Actors studio".
33.) Take Courtney love to a bible study.
34.) Dress in lady ga ga's cast off clothing for the next year.
35.) Get a third boob implant.
36.) pay for everything in pennies, for the rest of my life.
37.) start a 50 state spoon collection.
38.) have astro turf for indoor carpeting
39.) Have joan rivers give me botox.
40.) cross against the light in Germany
41.) sit through thirty straight in home vacuum demonstrations.
42.) Read war and peace aloud to the hard of hearing.
43.) alphabetize my spice rack
44.) Tattoo my start weight on my forehead
45.) End every conversation with a quote from nietzsche...like:
“There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.”
46.) Use a magic 8 ball for all future major decisions.
47.) Get my hair done in dreads
48.) eat liver
49.) Date a carnie
50.) Start an "I <3 Nancy Pelosi" fan club.
51.) Wear a Davy Crockett coon skin cap for a night on the town.
52.) come up with 100 ways to prepare pickled bologna.
53.) watch how spam is made....then eat some.
54.) attend a lecture on "How to cleanse your chakra."
55.) Give up coffee....
56.) join a G 20 protest and shout "Down with the man'.
57.) Redo high school
58.) become chief gum scraper at the local cinemark.
59.) Talk about my feelings for the rest of my life using only 'I' statements.
60.) Call elderly relatives to inquire about their health issues.
61.) read the new yorker's non sequiter cartoon daily and pretend to laugh.
62.) Ghost write Paris Hilton's book about her life philosophy.
63.) Attend a professional wrasslin' match.
64.) pick nits off a baboons ass
65.) explain the term 'anal fisting' to my children.
66.) wear clogs
67.) fly the rebel flag out front, and park my car on blocks.
68.) allow my nickname to be 'skeeter'
69.) Pick the lint out of Michael Moore's navel.
70.) Vote for Ron Paul
71.) Get a tattoo that says Big mama.
72.) Write a Frommer's guide to living it up in Deee-troit.
73.) Watch the Omaha dinner theatre version of Cats.
74.) Celebrate the summer solstice by going to arizona and being at one with both the earth, and the other freaks who are celebrating the summer solstice.
75.) walk around for a month wearing tie dye and telling everyone to 'just chill, man'.
76.) Hike through the rugged and austere beauty that is waziristan.
77.) Write an op ed about the intricacies of nascar.
78.) Become a biker's babe.
79.) Allow lindsay lohan to give me advice.
80.) Super glue my fingers together.
81.) Listen to my husband drone on daily about world of warcraft while feigning interest (oh wait..)
82.) Learn the Uzbek language.
83.) Put together entire house full of sauder home furnishings with instruction provided only by deaf midget with limited mime skills
84.) Wear black mesh of any kind.
85.) Discuss the merits of outcome based learning with the product of said teaching.
86.) Sweep the floor daily with an angry ferret.
87.) Become a tele marketer.
88.) Wear driving gloves and pretend I need them to 'drive'.
89.) Two words- goat meat.
90.) Have a scottish bag piper wake me daily.
91.) Hunt coon-n- possum for dinner
92.) Clip each piece of grass on my lawn until they are exactly one and a half inches tall.
93.) Watch bio dome again.
94.) Cover the bumper of my mini van in 'coexist' stickers
95.) Braid Robin William's back hair.
96.) Listen to Joy Behar sing somewhere over the rainbow.
97.) Watch a t.v. marathon of the hulk hogan reality show .
98.) Eat a tofurkey.
99.) Pimp my ride...
100.) Write a list of 100 things I'd rather do than regain my weight.

10 comments:

South Beach Steve said...

I can imagine this was grueling to write, but it was hilarious to read. :-)

Amy H. said...

Oh come on, we all know El Caminos are cool...right? Anyway, my dad once (seriously) asked me if I'd ever eaten squirrel. Apparently, he has. Now, goat meat...hmmmmm.

Love your list!

Melissa said...

Hilarious. And my hubby seriously watches biodome at least once per year or more. He likes it. What can I say?

Paula Rodriguez said...

I've actually tasted goat meat...not a fan.

I don't know how you came up with all those things but they're just too funny. Listening to Joy Behar sing "somewhere over the rainbow" would just ruin that song for me forever.

karen@fitnessjourney said...

OMG, you are hilarious!

Miss Marilee said...

I can't tell you how amazing I find this list!!! I can't stop laughing!!!

Sue said...

Hilarious! I bloody love your blog :-D

Christine said...

I have co-owned and driven an El Camino. We drove cross country in it. It wasn't so bad. LOL!

And I was a telemarketer for 6 months. The experience wounded my soul permanently. I would rather be fat than ever make phone calls for money again. Honestly. Since I have been both I can judge.

Linda Pressman said...

Well, the minute I read "watch my daughter makeout with Marilyn Manson" I knew that you were dead serious! And look, now you have 100 separate topics to blog about!

Mary - A Merry Life said...

HAHA! I'm really glad you did this too. More laughs for me!! :)