12.28.2009

merging me's and wiis

Hello all,
I had an interesting question yesterday.
The question was:
Am I interested in being my blog me in the real world.
I am.
This is the real me.
I think the me I have been projecting in reality was for protection more than anything.
With the team wives (wives of special forces guys), I was shy so they wouldn't ask me to join their committees. ( I loathe the creation of the so-called committee)
I have been doing the bait and switch my whole life.
Such as when I was in AIT (basically job training) in the army, and this chick (who was my bunk mate and 'ruck buddy' kept bailing on our weekly hikes. I would end up toting her ruck and rifle.
It finally hit me...the only time this chick bailed was on ruck march day.
Since she had missed the majority she was REQUIRED to ruck the last one. I, however, was not.
I was just soooooooooooo sick, I couldn't do it. I just had to go to sick call. She carried my ruck and rifle on a TEN MILE MARCH.
I hope she learned a lesson. That lesson, Don't mess with Chris.
People who don't know me think I am quiet or shy. (I think I hear Amber snorting with laughter somewhere.)
People who know me call me the badger. They know how stubborn...hard headed, sarcastic and tunnel visioned I can get.
What many people don't know is that I am a soft touch.
If someone asks for something, I have a hard time saying no. Which is why I get so pissed off if someone asks for something. I will say NO. Then come back ten minutes later and do it anyway. (I always felt for that son in thebible who was asked by his father to do something, he says no and then does it anyway....the other son...says yes, and doesn't do a dang thing.
It's been my experience that the smooth talkers get the credit.)
I cry at hallmark commercials, movies...tv shows.
I hid that because I viewed it as a weakness for evil people to exploit.
I hide it well. Most people don't see it and most people don't mess with me and my well cultivated sense of revenge lol.

Growing up, I lived in my head...A lot.
I had a vivid imagination and I loved reading.
It was an escape.
The 'real world' was a bad place.
In my head, I could be anywhere I wanted.
That's why I read all the time and drew all the time.
Everyone always said, "Chrissy, she has her head in the clouds."
And I would think
"It's better than having it down here in this sewer." (count that in the list of things I never said.)
I think my ability to mentally take myself out of the equation was invaluable when I was young.
Not so much as I aged.
I had less time to go into myself....
I started using food as a coping mechanism.
Also, I was in a new reality...one that I was in control of...but I was too stuck in my old way of coping to really see all the power I had.
I still felt powerless to change anything.
Everything I did, every choice I made was a reaction to someone Else's action.
For me, everything whittled down to survival.
It's not a very enriching existence.
I carefully portioned out emotion, words, ideas.
I never ever put them out to people I couldn't 'trust'.
That was anyone who proved themselves untrustworthy or disloyal.
I didn't want the emotional damage that came with rejection.
So I acted like I didn't give a d*mn what anyone thought.
I got so good at it, that for a while I really didn't.

However, I think the most telling thing happens to be the people I admire.
It's always the naive, happy and trusting dupes who give and give.
They get taken for suckers and are still happy to give.
I always feel like someone should be out there protecting them...you know...breaking fingers and keeping the scum at bay.
I will never be naive, or even very trusting.
But I have been working on giving with no expectation of receiving.
Giving even though I suspect it's probably a scam.
Like those people who stand outside walmart with their signs for gas money.
First thought; "They are probably using it for crack."
Second thought : "That's not my problem. I am supposed to give...it's on their conscious if they are lying sacks of crap."
Third thought: "IF they really need it, I am doing the right thing."
That's good enough.
I am going to be a do gooder someday. A person people look at and think...
"That Chris, she has her head in the clouds"
except I don't...It's down here in the sewer and I am fully conscious, I am aware of reality...
I am just determined to create my own reality.
For every 20 scum sucking cretins who take up oxygen that I help.
At least one person is going to be a good guy. That makes it worth it.
I want to have faith, so I do.
I want to be happy, so I am.
It is all a choice. Every last stinking thing.
Hugs,
your hard eyed, cynical optimist by choice.
Chris
oh, and we got a wii for christmas...bowling is fun!

15 comments:

Bar Mitzvahzilla said...

Chris, you're absolutely right about the giving. I tell my kids that it's my job to give and it's their job to receive so my only concern is in the giving, like, did I give? If they accepted under false pretense, then they will have to answer to God themselves. It doesn't hurt me to give to undeserving people, but I can't possibly try to read everyone's mind to know who is.

As far as the rest, I once heard this saying that totally confounded me: it's none of my business what others think of me, and it drove me nuts because I always REALLY cared what others thought of me and, like you said, made myself over to meet their expectations. But now I think I understand that I can't make everyone happy and I can't be that many different people to that many different people, there's only one of me and there's really only one of you! And, yes, she's great!

Fat[free]Me said...

Head in the clouds or not - I always love how wise you are.

Great Post!

Diane Fit to the Finish said...

What I read at the core of all of this was that you are an absolutely giving, loving person. I bet all the people who know you in real life understand that at their root.

Have a great 2010!

Jodie said...

Heh...I didn't picture you as a cry at Hallmark commercials type! I'm with you on imagining a better life as a child. I still imagine a better life where people are more caring. Wonderful post.

Amy H. said...

The no then yes thing, totally understand. I think I must do that 10 times a day. I say no, then I think, well, why not? Then I'm back to yes. It's why things get done around here.

karen@fitnessjourney said...

I love how honest your posts are, Chris. I have a feeling that many of us reading this post will see a little of ourselves in your words.

BTW, my son has a Wii and I kick butt at boxing-it's a good workout too!

South Beach Steve said...

Caring, but calloused, and always honest. That is how I see you Chris. I truly appreciate your honesty, but more than that, the wisdom I see in your writing. I love the contrast between the flesh and blood Christ and the virtual Chris, and the reasoning for the difference. In reality, I think all of us bloggers have a bit of this.

bbubblyb said...

I'm with Steve you have a lot of wisdom. Sad to say I know where wisdom comes from, heartache at some point in life. But I also know it makes a person loving and caring and so many other things. I really love your words.

Carlos said...

i loved this post! thank you for being so honest here it makes all the difference.

MB said...

I can really relate to this post. Lots of people say I'm too nice and that is why people take advantage of me but I can't change who I am and hope someday Karma will bite the b*st*rds in the a$$.

I got a Wii for x-mas too! I love it. My favorite is the boxing so far. I'm still trying to hook up the Wii Fit balance board.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

antgirl said...

I think we all wear different faces / personalities for different people.

People think I'm shy and quiet too, but like you, I am stubborn and have tunnel-vision. I admit to living in my head. I turned it into my new career though. :)

I always feel so bad for those dudes on the street corners. They're everywhere here. I'd be broke if I gave to them all everytime I see them.

outdoor.mom said...

You are always very transparent. I think everybody appreciates that about you :-) I am still trying to understand what "fatmeggedion" is. Is it when you are going back to your old town you came from? Perhaps I didn't read that post quite right. It looks very exciting anyway with a title and countdown like that!! I copied your weight loss ticker and put one up. Thanks for the idea :-)

cmoursler said...

lol, it's my throw down with the pants hanging on my door...a kind of homage to professional wrestling come weight loss battle extraordinaire.
fatmaggedon.
fat armageddon.

Paula Rodriguez said...

I agree with outdoormom. Your posts are always insightful and you cut to the chase. Love that about you.

It's interesting how different we view ourselves and how others view us. It's always surprising.

Thanks for the confidence and inspiration...i.e. comment on post

insomniac ellen said...

WOW--just wow.

How honest and real about who you are.

And we all have different facets of ourselves that we show to different groups of people. It's cool to have the anonimity of the blogosphere to let go in.