I had an interesting question yesterday.
The question was:
Am I interested in being my blog me in the real world.
This is the real me.
I think the me I have been projecting in reality was for protection more than anything.
With the team wives (wives of special forces guys), I was shy so they wouldn't ask me to join their committees. ( I loathe the creation of the so-called committee)
I have been doing the bait and switch my whole life.
Such as when I was in AIT (basically job training) in the army, and this chick (who was my bunk mate and 'ruck buddy' kept bailing on our weekly hikes. I would end up toting her ruck and rifle.
It finally hit me...the only time this chick bailed was on ruck march day.
Since she had missed the majority she was REQUIRED to ruck the last one. I, however, was not.
I was just soooooooooooo sick, I couldn't do it. I just had to go to sick call. She carried my ruck and rifle on a TEN MILE MARCH.
I hope she learned a lesson. That lesson, Don't mess with Chris.
People who don't know me think I am quiet or shy. (I think I hear Amber snorting with laughter somewhere.)
People who know me call me the badger. They know how stubborn...hard headed, sarcastic and tunnel visioned I can get.
What many people don't know is that I am a soft touch.
If someone asks for something, I have a hard time saying no. Which is why I get so pissed off if someone asks for something. I will say NO. Then come back ten minutes later and do it anyway. (I always felt for that son in thebible who was asked by his father to do something, he says no and then does it anyway....the other son...says yes, and doesn't do a dang thing.
It's been my experience that the smooth talkers get the credit.)
I cry at hallmark commercials, movies...tv shows.
I hid that because I viewed it as a weakness for evil people to exploit.
I hide it well. Most people don't see it and most people don't mess with me and my well cultivated sense of revenge lol.
Growing up, I lived in my head...A lot.
I had a vivid imagination and I loved reading.
It was an escape.
The 'real world' was a bad place.
In my head, I could be anywhere I wanted.
That's why I read all the time and drew all the time.
Everyone always said, "Chrissy, she has her head in the clouds."
And I would think
"It's better than having it down here in this sewer." (count that in the list of things I never said.)
I think my ability to mentally take myself out of the equation was invaluable when I was young.
Not so much as I aged.
I had less time to go into myself....
I started using food as a coping mechanism.
Also, I was in a new reality...one that I was in control of...but I was too stuck in my old way of coping to really see all the power I had.
I still felt powerless to change anything.
Everything I did, every choice I made was a reaction to someone Else's action.
For me, everything whittled down to survival.
It's not a very enriching existence.
I carefully portioned out emotion, words, ideas.
I never ever put them out to people I couldn't 'trust'.
That was anyone who proved themselves untrustworthy or disloyal.
I didn't want the emotional damage that came with rejection.
So I acted like I didn't give a d*mn what anyone thought.
I got so good at it, that for a while I really didn't.
However, I think the most telling thing happens to be the people I admire.
It's always the naive, happy and trusting dupes who give and give.
They get taken for suckers and are still happy to give.
I always feel like someone should be out there protecting them...you know...breaking fingers and keeping the scum at bay.
I will never be naive, or even very trusting.
But I have been working on giving with no expectation of receiving.
Giving even though I suspect it's probably a scam.
Like those people who stand outside walmart with their signs for gas money.
First thought; "They are probably using it for crack."
Second thought : "That's not my problem. I am supposed to give...it's on their conscious if they are lying sacks of crap."
Third thought: "IF they really need it, I am doing the right thing."
That's good enough.
I am going to be a do gooder someday. A person people look at and think...
"That Chris, she has her head in the clouds"
except I don't...It's down here in the sewer and I am fully conscious, I am aware of reality...
I am just determined to create my own reality.
For every 20 scum sucking cretins who take up oxygen that I help.
At least one person is going to be a good guy. That makes it worth it.
I want to have faith, so I do.
I want to be happy, so I am.
It is all a choice. Every last stinking thing.
your hard eyed, cynical optimist by choice.
oh, and we got a wii for christmas...bowling is fun!