desperation vs. inspiration

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Hello.

This is my very first beginning photo that my very good friend amber took.
I was 262 lbs.
Those pants were my everyday wear.
So was that kind of t shirt.
See the hair.
That is how I wore it.
all.the.time.
I didn't have it cut or colored.
I didn't do anything with it.
When I started this journey I had only one choice...
to succeed.
I gave myself leverage.
I took these photos, put it all out there on this blog.
weighed in, in front of my friend amber.
told her if I didn't lose at least 40 lbs in that first year I would take the picture above and put it in my hometown paper and write underneath it..

This is Christina Oursler.
She has once again failed herself and her family by not losing the weight she said she would.
She is 262 lbs and morbidly obese.

I meant it.
I would have sent it...because I knew that I had to succeed.
I had heart palpitations.
I couldn't breathe correctly lying flat on my back.
I had a hard time standing for more than 20 minutes at a time.
I wore muted colors and hardly went anywhere.
I was desperate to lose this weight.
I don't know how many of you have read my sidebar.
I say something there...
I say "maybe you have tried and failed, and tried and failed so many times you think you have failure written on your forehead."
I know that feeling...I have lived it.
I knew I needed leverage.
My first leverage was humiliation.
I finally saw myself as others saw me.
You see, up to the point in build a bear...I thought I was 'chubby'.
Or plump.
I was morbidly obese.
That split second of seeing myself as an 'other'.
As a person I didn't know, before realizing it was me...
It gave me the realization I needed to push forward.
The realization that I wasn't some comfortable word like plump.
I was fat.
hugely so.
It was almost like waking up.
That is why it never bothered me since that day to post a picture of myself.
That day I realized how others saw me..
Well, what was I hiding.
A photo.
I walk around all day every day in my body.
I was just taking a picture of what everyone was already seeing.
I have come a long way since then.
I weigh 149.5 lbs.
This weight was a dream to me at 262 lbs.
A size 10 when I was verging on a size 24.
My lowest adult weight was 136 lbs out of basic training and I did nothing but climb ever since.
Now I have been this thin for three or four months.
I still look for the fat girl in the photos I get...
It took me a while to find myself in some pictures a good friend sent via email...because I was looking for the fat person.
It will take a while for your brain to catch up to your reality.
So what I am doing...
Going for my goal.
Full tilt like I did at the start of this whole thing...
This part of my journey is different from the beginning..
here is an excerpt from June 1st, 2009.
13 days after the picture I took above.

Well, in my own life I had allowed food to become my addiction. I used it in the same way a drunk uses booze or a drug addict uses heroin. It was not to feed my body, it was a comfort for bad feelings, it was fun when I was bored. Now I am obese, I have been obese probably for the last 9 years, before that I was overweight. You might say that alcohol hurts the family. Well, guess what. So does my obesity. I avoid doing things because of my weight. I don't go to swimming pools, I avoid family photos, I am too tired to play or go to the park. I have cheated my kids out of a lot of things because of my blindness to my own addiction. A while back I was standing in a public place, and I saw myself in a full length mirror, not just from the waist up. I really saw myself. I looked fat and felt old. I was so embarrassed that I just wanted to leave the store. I told my friends this and even my husband. What I didn't say was that, that night as I was lying in bed, I told God that I couldn't do it. I have been on every diet known to man and have quit every single time. The last time I tried to "diet" I ended up on my treadmill crying because I could feel in my spirit that I had no hope. I was giving my body to him. Really giving it over and not reserving anything. I don't have the power to beat this because I have been going off of 'will power' and it had never worked. I asked God to show me my heart, and he did. I was no better than anyone else. Knowing that I use food like a drug has helped me resist overeating. This is a day to day struggle for me. If I don't address this now I will only get fatter. I am not pleasantly plump, or chubby, I am obese, It is serious, I could die. I am 255 lbs. I have lost 10 lbs so far. Since I started on May 4th, I have had a few times when I have had urges for food not related to hunger, but nothing above what I could bear. I hope people reading this will pray for me. I have to do this for many reasons
( I didn't weigh in on may 4th because I was too scared to. I weighed in on May 18th. I regret this because from the weight I lost before I weighed in I was probably closer to 270lbs. Now I will never know.)

This was my very first entry on weight loss.
I have lost 110 lbs since then...I have been trying to upload a new pic...but you can simply look to the right and see me in my red dress for a comparison.
I am a different person.
My run at goal isn't a matter of desperation.
It's a matter of inspiration.
I know what I can do...
I have become the person I admired so many times before.
The person you see on TV..who loses weight and keeps it off...I am that person.
I take time for myself now.
I feel in control of my food and my life.
I feel good about how I look.
I don't feel shame every time I eat...or go in public.
You can be that person too.
Just don't give up.
Just keep going.
One day will go after another.
A year will pass one way or another.
How do you want to spend them?
In shame and regret.
Or with a sense of accomplishment, pride and victory?
I look at the last year and a half and Thank God I took it a day at a time, that I didn't lose heart or patience....that I did it.
I will look back on these up coming 7 months (may will be my two year mark) as my final sprint to the end of the beginning....when I will hit goal and then start the process of maintaining that goal.
Have a great weekend.
Hugs,
Chris